Grandparents not wanting to do childcare...

[Chewchewaboogiw]

Have been thinking about several people I know whose planned retirememt or part time work has been changed as they have been asked to do childcare for their dgc and now they are doing chikdcare say 3 days a week instead of their plan to travel. And not massively happy about it ( in one case another.baby due also)..I have seen a post response recently that said that they take dgc out but they are not there for childcare. If you dont do childcare for your dgc how did you say no?( I am not in that position at present but i can imagine it would be hard work ..) I would imagine / fear adult ds would be hurt if they were told no dont want to do chikdcare and cant imagine how it would be phrased in a positive way.. anyone said no and is it bu to say you dont want to ... or is it now expected. I know that all families.different, am just asking about families who are comfortable in saying no .

My child spends every single weekend with either grandparent, and sometimes weeknights.
I would love to have a grandchild to look after when I retire. I will feel blessed.

I think it's a conversation to have before even trying to have children. It's a bit much to do, like an acquaintance of mine. She and her DH had one child, her parents stepped up and looked after the DC when she returned to work.

His parents did 2 days a week, her parents did 3 days. They saved a mint on childcare. Her mum still worked part time so part of her time off was spent looking after the GC. Her dad was retired. Her DH's parents were both retired. Having saved a fortune they didn't even give the GP spending money to help to take the child out - that was GP choice. And, of course, they spent out on trips. So for four/five years they carried on. She got annoyed when one of the set decided to go on holiday 'outside' a time that suited her and her DH - couldn't get time off work so had to pay someone as the other set couldn't step up.

Her mum then retired and she and her husband decided they'd like to spend a bit more time on weeks away, days out during the week now they had their time back. The GC was now at school and went to a friend's house three times a week after school so, apart from holidays, their time was their own.

Lo and behold DD announced she was expecting and got really nasty when the GP announced they'd help for a couple of weeks in the summer and other holidays and once a fortnight for a couple of days a week. The expectation was 'you helped doing x hours with the first so you help with the subsequent'. No conversation before TTC. Forgetting that the GP were now 5 years older, both retired so less commitments (apart from the babysitting which was over to a large extent with DC at school) and had done their stint by raising her, her siblings and their first GC.

Don't assume GP are going to be there for you. Lives change. My mum developed Alzheimer's when DS was 6 years old. Health can change dramatically for anyone and, sometimes, retired people go back to work part time to help with bills etc. GP should be back up, plan B. Not the basis on which you decide to start a family. Because they may not always be there for many reasons.

I think most young families have financial struggles, no doubt your parents did too. They do have as much right to say no to childcare as you do to say no to weekend visits. In the end, the twins aren't their responsibility to provide for.

I think it depends what kind of relationship you want with your grandchildren.

We were very lucky that DH's parents offered to have DD one day a week from when she was a few months old. A few years later they took DS on too. Both of them have a fantastic relationship with their grandmother as sadly my lovely FIL died several years ago. Even now DD will call her from university for a catch up.

Thankfully I'm self employed so I could adapt my working hours around their holidays so it was never a problem when they were away, nor did we expect them to drop everything for us. I'd like to think that's how it would work for us if/when we eventually have GC.

My own parents made no effort when DD & DS were little and make even less now that they're older. They don't even call them on their birthdays and have no real relationship at all. It makes me sad that they're missing out but I don't force things. My mum wasn't great at mothering and she obviously hasn't changed over the years.

I do find the responses interesting. It doesn’t really tie in with what I see on school pick ups, which is definitely around 50/50 parents/grandparents.

I agree you have to make it clear before the kids are even here so avoid any awkward conversations.

babysitting is great but regular childcare is a real commitment and it can turn into a chore. I am lucky that my own parents have helped me here, far beyond what I hoped or expected but bottom line is no one owes you childcare.

I do a lot of childcare and it is exhausting beyond words. Can’t give more info as too outing but if I described how much and for how many children, I think people would probably say I was giving up too much of my life to it. Positives are that I feel genuinely and truly appreciated and this is demonstrated to me every day of my life; I also have a brilliant relationship with my grandchildren who I absolutely adore. Would I do it all again? Absolutely, but it has felt too much at times and it does certainly limit travel possibilities. If I were to advise others I would say help out whenever needed if you are happy to do so, but don’t commit to regular childcare unless you’ve really considered all the factors involved.

I've had a conversation with my daughter that I'm happy to support if she has a child but no more than two days a week (emergencies excepted), she needs to have a back up plan for if I am sick or have something else urgent or want to go away, and not to count on any of it because, while I'm under 50 and can do it now, who knows what happens in future with my health or life? I think we just take it as it comes but everyone has to appreciate that I am important too and my wants and needs matter when negotiating anything.

It shouldn’t be expected.
My in laws on announcing DC1 badgered us to do childcare straight away. I wasn’t that keen.
Then with DC2 when we said I was expecting they barely said Congratulations and began a long rang about how they couldn’t do childcare again. We didn’t expect it and it was actually quite offensive.

So I would discuss ahead of time. Don’t assume they’ll want help though as I hadn’t but they insisted first time.

My mum always had my children for a day. We had a conversation about it and she was happy to do it. Now they are both at school she has them overnight one night a week and takes them to school the following day. I've always made it clear that if/when it becomes too much for her she needs to let us know. My mum travels and has an active social life. If she has plans, or is going away the kids don't go to Grandma's. When they were little we could usually put them into nursery for an extra day or I'd take a holiday day to cover it. It has never been a problem, but my Mum wanted to do it. If you don't want to, then that's fair enough, but if you do there are ways to accommodate travel and having a life. My kids are incredibly close to my Mum and I'm incredibly grateful to her as she is their only grandparent.

Agree with the reply. I spent my early 20s in uni then caring for a terminally ill relative then had DC1. I will be 46 when the youngest goes to uni and I fully intend to make up for ‘lost’ time.

I’m fortunate, both my PIL and my mum actively wanted to do childcare so it’s been more of a balancing act to make things fair. But I have regular conversations about whether it is too much and let them know I am very willing to make other arrangements if they can’t manage. On the other hand, I’ve always known my dad and stepmother have no interest in doing it, despite my dad offering in a fit of new grandparent enthusiasm. I’m sure they would in an emergency, but it wouldn’t fit with their lifestyle and interests, so I knew, and am perfectly content that, it wasn’t an offer on the table.

My mum has always told me she will never do child care from an early age, and she would just say no if I ever asked her. Even if my child was sick she just doesn't want to know. I do find it abit sad but it's her choice at the end if the day, surprisingly we are not close.

Is she worried a sick grandchild might make her sick? You don't always get over things as easily when older and, if she works or has other commitments, it would interfere with that.

I never expected my parents to do any childcare. However, they were desperate to and offered! OH’s parents were already looking after other grandchildren and I think felt a bit put upon with them tbh. They did help with emergencies but my parents are more hands on.

@wildcoasts nah she's just no interested at the end if the day. Even if she didn't work she wouldn't be interested. She would make out to everyone else that she would be interested but ultimately not do anything.

Where I work it seems very common for grandparents to be involved in child care, though usually only one day a week. I think that works quite well as it seems to mean both sets of grandparents have the child for one day and then any other working days are covered by a nursery. I'm not a grandmother yet but I'd be happy to do one day.

It helps if you live reasonably far away from your DC. My parents are a 1 hour and 45 min drive from me, so them offering regular childcare would never have been feasible.

However, even if they did live near me, I wouldn't dream of asking for a regular childcare arrangement of x days a week. I would just be hoping (but not expecting) that they would help us out with maybe a couple of child free evenings a month (but only if/when it didn't conflict with their own plans).

I think I agree with other PPs, who have said that you need to make it clear before grandchildren are on the cards that you won't be offering free regular childcare. I have seen quite a few entitled posts on MN from people who never discussed the issue with their own parents or in-laws before they had kids. They are then shocked to learn that their parents (or in-laws) don't want to sacrifice their hard-earned, relaxing retirement to become unpaid nannies for x days a week.

You don't want a situation where your children and their partners are mistakenly assuming that you will regularly do x days a week of unpaid childcare for them, when they are factoring in whether kids are feasible. Make it clear that it's never going to be an option. It's far less likely to cause offence if you do it before you actually have grandchildren.

While paying for full-time childcare is very expensive, I actually prefer this set up. I have seen from the dynamics with extended family, that when grandparents offer regular childcare, they tend to take over and get overly involved in parenting decisions. My DH has described regular grandparent childcare as a "Faustian bargain"!

My parents had passed on by the time I had kids, and my in laws never looked after them at all (took them out twice in total). No big deal really, I never expected any childcare. I do come across mothers though who do. One mum in our group saying very clearly that if the DGPs were not willing to look after the DC for two days a week she would not be bringing them round at weekends. I think this line of thinking is sadly more common than we would like to think.

My children are adults, no children of their own yet, but they know already that I will not be providing regular childcare for when they work. I will love them, love to take them out on occasion, have them stay over on occasion, but I will not be a regular babysitter. I've done my job raising kids.

I don't think there's any onus on the potential grandparents to address childcare ahead of time. It's on children thinking of having a child and wanting that care to ask if it's a possibility. If they are presumptuous about it and get a no, that's on them.

What an entitled woman.

I babysat quite frequently for mine and did some childcare too, but I was working full time, so couldn’t do care during the day. When I worked part time, I did some collecting from school and looking after until my DiL was home. They’re young adults now, so not needed.

I know of someone whose daughter expects childcare daily. She’s a single parent and works irregular hours, so there are often overnight stays.

I look after my GC for 2 days with an overnight stay. We have great fun and are close. Wouldn't have it any other way.
Totally understand people not wanting to do it but for me it's a joy and a privilege to be part of GC upbringing.

@wildcoasts great example, I've been quite poorly recently and on antibiotics etc nothing contagious but could do with abit of a rest, our dog has been really poorly so OH has had to spend a lot of time at the vets etc this weekend. I know she has been on her own all bank holiday weekend, not working and maybe a few personal commitments. She hasn't even offered to have DD3 (who is in good health atm) for 2/3 hours to give me a break, she isn't interested!

Have you asked her to take your DD for a few hours? In the nicest way, you do know her best after all, but parents aren't mind readers and might not know you could use that break.

That's a good example of a time I'd love to help out my child.