Grandparents not wanting to do childcare...

[Chewchewaboogiw]

Have been thinking about several people I know whose planned retirememt or part time work has been changed as they have been asked to do childcare for their dgc and now they are doing chikdcare say 3 days a week instead of their plan to travel. And not massively happy about it ( in one case another.baby due also)..I have seen a post response recently that said that they take dgc out but they are not there for childcare. If you dont do childcare for your dgc how did you say no?( I am not in that position at present but i can imagine it would be hard work ..) I would imagine / fear adult ds would be hurt if they were told no dont want to do chikdcare and cant imagine how it would be phrased in a positive way.. anyone said no and is it bu to say you dont want to ... or is it now expected. I know that all families.different, am just asking about families who are comfortable in saying no .

Surely you didn't have children because your parents wanted grandchildren!

I think where resentment is often found is where GPS either remove their offers of help or there's disparity amongst how much help they offer their different DC.

For example, my PIL took SIL DC to school, picked them up afterwards, cooked meals etc for them, despite my BIL being unemployed.

We both worked FT and got the occasional overnight childcare when we were stuck. We were very grateful for this, however when our couple of days help per year (at times of real need) was rejected, in favour of helping SIL, that's when the rot set in.

Also SIL was free to come and go as she pleased as GP had spent time with the DGC in the week, however my PIL expected to come on holidays and weekends away with us as they "wanted time with the GC".

We were seen as selfish for wanting a holiday as a nuclear family, but SIL was encouraged to go away with her DC as it gave my PIL a break.

If you want to offer help then do so and if you don't, then don't- it really shouldn't be expected of you. But please treat your DC (& DGC) equally or it can lead to a real fracturing of your relationship if you don't.

My parents live abroad 😆best way to get out of doing childcare

I'd be more likely to say no because I'd be really irritated if my child thought the things in my life amounted to nothing to do and nowhere to go.

If you didn't travel, write books, decorate cakes and lunch with your friends in the early decades of your life, you are not going to start when you're 65.
While this may be true for some, as a generalisation it is totally inaccurate. Surely it depends on the person's mindset and ability. Retirement also gives you more time to spend on existing interests and hobbies.

I've done lots of childcare with my GC but it is fine as I enjoy it. I can understand some people don't want to do it but I think it might be a hard decision at the moment and in the next few months as the cost of living crisis bites and young families are struggling. If you can save your child hundreds of pounds a month by having GC 2 or 3 days a week it would surely be hard to say no if you know they are struggling to feed themselves or worrying about putting the heating on.

My parents made it clear they would help out with childcare and did have the DC's one day a week, as did my in laws, we were very fortunate. But both made it clear that if they needed the day off for whatever reason travel/appointments/needed a week off (!) myself & DH had to sort it. It mainly worked well.
My recommendation would be to set expectations very early on and keep talking if things aren't working out for either side.

I agree with this. You need to lay out your own plans well in advance . There’s no point in dropping subtle hints to your son or son on law when there’s already a baby on the way. He needs to know before he and his wife / partner make any decisions about a baby they can’t afford.

I agree with a PP who says that these expectations are changing. Most women are working full time well into their late 60s to get their pension. When you’ve worked for 50 years you are probably entitled to some time off.

However I note that it’s still women who are expected to give up their retirement to fund their children's lifestyle choices. Many posters on this thread have talked about their parents or their MIL or mother doing childcare - no one has mentioned their father or FIL ( alone ) . They can’t all be dead or still working 60 hours a week.

I expect to be in my 70s before any GC appear. Like PP I will be happy to provide occasional children, in service days etc but not take on a regular full or part time commitment. I’d hope to be flexible if one of my Gc had SN or if my child was a full time single parent or had their own health problems.

But an employed, two parent family with a NT child ? No they need to factor child care costs into their own life plans, not mine.

I know a couple whose daughter persuaded them to club together with her and her partner, to buy a bigger house. They are now full time live in on tap child carers and have little time to themselves. The gf is not in the best of health either.

This thread and another I read yesterday make me eternally grateful to my MIL (and my mother to a lesser extent) for the amount of help I have.

Both are always there when I need them without hesitation and as a result my DC adore both grandparents and beg to go visit. I hope I can be that support for my children when the time comes!

Just thinking about it after reading posts I realise I'm in a different position to lots of grandparents as I'm my DHs carer, have been for over 30 years, so going off travelling isn't really an option so that isn't a consideration for me.

I made it clear I never expected help from my parents or in laws, but my parents insisted despite still working and had my DC 1 day a week when I went back to work, and offer to take him fairly often for full weekends now he is older.

My sister also changed her hours at work to have a regular day off without me asking her to and she had him a day a week as well. I look after my baby nephew on my day off so my SIL can work.

So we help each other out, and everyone still has time to themselves. It's lovely 😊

My in-laws look after my sil childrens 7 and 3 and it’s too much for them, they are in there early 70s now It’s only 1 day a week but 7.30 am am-6pm . Eldest one taken and picked up from school 5 miles away and entertaining younger one all day who no longer naps. Then in the holidays they have them both but two days a week. They are exhausted, mine own two 14 and 12 get a phone call in the holidays to come over to play . To Give the in-laws a much needed rest. Yes more kids in the house but all playing together so they say it feel like less work and more eyes on what younger ones are doing.

My mother told me never to ask her for help with anything because I wouldn’t get it; she later had my sisters children very frequently, overnight and by day.
ok, that was her choice but that was followed by frequently moaning that she never saw them. I always had to drive to my parents, in 22 years living 6 miles away they came to our house three times (easy drive, both drivers), and only to our present house only if we fetched them.
For my DGCs I happily went over 100 miles by train to help out whenever I could, I loved doing it. It’s only ill health that’s curtailed it, but they’re older now so it’s easier for my DS and DDIL to arrange. Even so, I would do whatever I could if necessary.
There’s a very big difference if there are expectations that grandparents will commit to childcare regardless.

I would point out that I had severe post natal depression and therefore am not comfortable with caring for a baby. I struggled with my own and would not trust myself with caring for someone else’s.
hopefully that will set the precedent that means I don’t get asked as they get older. I do want to be more involved than my mum, but actually doubt that will happen as they both live a long way from me now due to work etc. and I certainly ain’t moving now.

I think just be clear with what you are up for. I feel exhausted at 42 looking after my two, and already I feel that there is no way in future I’d commit to regular childcare as a grandparent. Happy to be nearby to help out as and when, but not a regular commitment. I don’t think that’s unreasonable, and I don’t think you should worry about it - just define your boundaries early on.

I wouldn't expect my parents or my partners parents to give regular childcare even if they tried insisting on doing even one day. It's just not fair on them, what if they are ill that day? Or end up with plans that can only work on that day? That then means we'd have to fix childcare for that day which can be quite difficult if you've already told the other childcare provider that it will only be set days, they might not take on extra days at short notice. I'd rather they just spent time together on weekends, makes it easier all round.

Should never go into having a child with the expectation someone else will do the work for you for free. Never take someone's word at that. It's naive at best.

I do also think that unless you’ve had children young, and your parents did too, that basing childcare plans on parents or PIL is a bit risky. Sure, if they offer then you can make use of that help while available, but financially you need a back up plan absolutely for paid care . Typically with women being in 30s when they have children , grandmothers are at least early sixties. Many of them will still be working to 67 now, and many of them have elderly parents to care for too. It’s just not viable to rely on them 100% .

I would suggest if a hypothetical situation is making you anxious then you have a conversation with your children now - tell them you're looking forward to your retirement when you can travel and do whatever you want on a whim.

And frankly, your son can be hurt but that doesn't mean you're obliged to change your mind. Did you never say no to him as a child?

My parents removed their offer of childcare and left us stuffed. We had twins and are struggling financially to pay for childcare. Oh but both sets of GPs want to visit at weekends and do outings with us. I’ve started saying no sometimes. I accept they don’t want to commit to regular childcare, but I will choose how we spend our spare time. (Yes I sound bitter, I am sad that GPs took early retirement 5 years ago and we are really struggling with paying for childcare/ keeping on top of life with no support)

I was lucky that both sets of grandparents helped out when DD was small, however...

• Mine were retired and didn't travel
• ILs were retired/flexible working
• I worked part-time and now XH worked a rolling shift pattern so the GPs were just filling in the gaps, although still a commitment which I'm grateful for.

DD is now in her late teens and is very career minded...I have been informed that the only grandkids I will be getting will be furry ones! However, should that change (and I kinda hope it does many, many years down the road) we have the kind of relationship where we could be very honest with each other about needs and expectations.

Personally I probably wouldn't do regular GC care if I was still working, even part-time. I'd be happy to chip if in I was retired but would only offer what I knew I could manage...maybe 2 or 3 half days a week.

Of course if (God forbid) DD found herself in a difficult position relationship or health wise I'd drop everything to help her out however I could.

Culturally there has always been multi generational living on my side of the family and DH was brought up with a housekeeper and a Nanny so opposite ends historically.

Personally I would like to help look after any grandchildren but we have one DS so there will never be a huge amount of GC if we have any. My sister had three children and two lots have had children so she has ended up looking after four GC plus due to the large age gap as her DS had children in his thirties whereas her DD was in early twenties those years stretched out a lot. She was resentful but she did almost FT childcare for four GC. I will happily have GC a full day a week and then some weekend evenings so they can have some time together. But I will make it clear that if we will be off on hols and we do plan to leave during Jan and Feb each year that’s what we are offering.

Just say no, simple as that. And as for other people expecting grandparents to rearrange their lives to watch a child they didn't carry, give birth to etc is just really self serving and really selfish.

I often wonder if people discuss introducing another human being into the world with grandparents (who they expect to baby sit their kids so they can go to work) just to see how it would disrupt the grandparents lives. Or do they just have the kid and just expect it then throw a wobbler and call the grandparents selfish etc.

If they choose to have children then it is their responsibility to adjust and change their work life etc to care for the child. You've done your child rearing, why should you take on someone elses responsibility. Watching little kids is mentally, emotionally and physically draining. Put yourself, your life and needs first.

I can see this unfolding for us too.

I've decided that I'll be available on the understanding that we will be travelling. I will try to give them two weeks to sort out child care when we are planning to be away.

I'm happy to be a back up but as we are planning to travel we l when the mood takes us it might not be practical.

I'll always do school pick ups when we are home.

My parents did school pick ups and it was appreciated.

We have very young gc parents are doing childcare themselves. We will be away too much to help regularly. I'd be happy to do some babysitting, after school and summer holidays when we aren't away if we are still able by then but imagine if you end up with 6 or more gdc it would be pretty exhausting to help with them all.
I couldn't do all day, except in an emergency or full time, I might as well have stayed at work.