Grandparents not wanting to do childcare...

[Chewchewaboogiw]

Have been thinking about several people I know whose planned retirememt or part time work has been changed as they have been asked to do childcare for their dgc and now they are doing chikdcare say 3 days a week instead of their plan to travel. And not massively happy about it ( in one case another.baby due also)..I have seen a post response recently that said that they take dgc out but they are not there for childcare. If you dont do childcare for your dgc how did you say no?( I am not in that position at present but i can imagine it would be hard work ..) I would imagine / fear adult ds would be hurt if they were told no dont want to do chikdcare and cant imagine how it would be phrased in a positive way.. anyone said no and is it bu to say you dont want to ... or is it now expected. I know that all families.different, am just asking about families who are comfortable in saying no .

Weve always been clear we plan to travel. Happy to help when in country but we are also planning to travel at least 6 months in any given year.

Just a case of setting expectations before the situation arises.

More than 1 set of grandparents, so it shouldn’t always be 1 anyway.

No one should be made to do anything they don't want and it's up to the person in question whether they want to help with grandchildren or not.

We are very fortunate that we have to bat my parents away with a stick sometimes ha! They do help us with regular weekly childcare (only one day but still a massive help!) And often have them for sleepovers so we can recharge and do things together. But that's their choice not expected and I'm always asking them to tell me if they change their minds. They absolutely love doing it though and they have a lovely relationship with DC.

Has never come up in our family as all grandparents are still in full time work. Mine will have left high school when they retire.

I can think of very little I'd rather do with my retirement than spend a fair amount of it looking after my grandchildren.
I just wish my married son didn't live so far away.

I think this can be easy to say when there is no realistic prospect of 'being expected to'. I am in my late 50s and don't think I'd have the energy to look after a toddler and a baby for 9 or 10 hours a day day after day even now, let alone in another 10 years time. I have plenty of friends who are grandparents who adore spending time with their grandchildren. but they are nearly all completely shattered after looking after them for a day or maybe one weekend when their dc go to a wedding or something. Doing it day in and day out is not something I'd want to do in my retirement, much as I will be willing to help out on occasion when I can.

I think its good that you're thinking about this in advance OP. I think you should gently bring up that while you love you GC and being part of their life you can't commit to caring for them regularly. Its best to be up front and manage their expectations and not commit to something that you can't do/will feel resentful about.

I come at this from a different perspective, my child has only one blood grandparent left (not very interested or involved) so we always knew that childcare would be our responsibility, with no gp input. If it had been available and offered it would have been gratefully received, but I would never have expected it. I think that people expect too much of gp’s I saw a TikTok recently where a women was saying her mum advised her during pregnancy that she had only had children because it was expected of her generation, born now she wouldn’t have necessarily had any. So not to expect childcare etc. the woman was understandably annoyed (in part because it implied she wasn’t wanted 😂) but at least she was up front about it. Why shouldn’t she do what she wants with her retirement 🤷‍♀️

I’m a parent and I never expected my mum to provide childcare. She offers sometimes and helps if asked but I never expect.

DH’s family expect it, but I think it kind of depends on whether your own grandparents were involved in your childcare. I find mainly the parents who expect grandparents to look after their children are also the ones who were looked after by their own grandparents.

It wouldn't occur to me to ask, or expect, free childcare. Fair enough in an emergency, though many without family still manage without under those circumstances. I find it odd (& cheeky) that people might expect it.

We did get help with childcare

My inlaws did a tue, my parents on a Thursday and nursery on a Friday. If either grandparent was away or couldn't do that week the other would do their day for that week. It worked really well and we had a membership to the kids activities at the local leisure centre so they had somewhere they could take them for free.

My inlaws were most upset when covid stopped their final 6 months before my youngest started school. They felt robbed of that time. I have two kids 3 years apart so this arrangement was for a 7 year period taking the youngest to school age

My child would spend a week or 2 a year by the sea where one gp lived when the childminder was on holiday. The other gp would do one pick up from school a week at her request. We just ended up spending my entire wage on childcare and my travel to work until she started school full time. No government help back then you just muddled through. 🤷‍♀️

I think the scope of the discussion is too wide.

Some people perceive childcare as 8am-6pm 5 days a week. Others are talking about an overnight once a wk and a few afternoons… There is a big difference and ability to cope can depend on the age of GP, age and number of children/if you have multiple children yourself who all expect you to look after grandchildren.

What is unfortunate to see is that grandparents who are saying they like to be involved in childcare are being told they are mad and should be at the theatre… rather than, how lovely you enjoy being with your family I respect that.

It’s the same with working/sahm - if someone chooses to look after children/grandchildren that is ok. If someone chooses to be career focused/travel across Europe that is ok.

Personally for all involved and family cohesion I think it would be nice for people to be involved a bit at some point in some capacity. However, nobody should be forced if they are adamant they don’t want to be involved with care.

In our house, its always been understood as I've always been clear on my position. My offer, that I'm happy with, was repeated to DD when she told me she was ttc, so there has never been any lack of shared understanding. Surprised at the families who don't see this coming and get it ironed out in advance.

I have 3 young children, 5,3,1. Grandparents are great for the odd sleepover, or a day out one weekend. (The break is much appreciated by us.) If I needed childcare genuinely for a good reason I’m sure they’d do their best to help us.

I would never, ever expect weekly childcare at the expense of their freedom! I don’t know anyone who is that entitled. That sort of commitment should always be offered/wanted by the grandparent not asked/expected.

So unless you’re DC are the exception and extremely entitled I doubt they’ll expect it. Maybe your friend offered and now regrets it!

My mother made it quite clear when I was pregnant that she wouldn’t commit to childcare as wouldn’t cope.. even though she only works two days a week. She made it obvious she wants her days off to herself/not to be taken up looking after my child. She did the same with my nephew who was born 8 years ago. I was upset but I know what she’s like. I wouldn’t trust scatty MIL to have my son.

I don’t get why grandparents wouldn’t enjoy a little time with their grandchildren to bond and also to help their own children out, I’d do anything for my son.

I never necessarily expected it or relied on it, but my mum is my absolute godsend and has my son every Thursday. If she didn't want to then fine, but she actually loves having her own time with her first grandchild and the bond that they share is just amazing. I know she wouldn't swap their time together for anything. It is priceless and irreplaceable. I would deeply hurt her if I suggested putting my son in nursery on that day too!

I also know mum doesn't think of it as 'childcare', she thinks of it as doing her daughter a favour and spending time with her littlest and most precious family member.

As I said, I never expected this to be an every week thing, and I have read about some incredibly entitled parents that get super cross when their 'free childcare' isn't available, and I definitely don't thunk that's right! Grandparents have every right to say no and live their lives!
Each to their own I guess!

I don’t get why grandparents wouldn’t enjoy a little time with their grandchildren to bond and also to help their own children out, I’d do anything for my son.

Overwhelmingly grandparents do "enjoy a little time with their grandchildren".
That, however, is a completely different thing from being the childcare when parents go back to work.

If we are talking about things people don't get, I "don't get" why anyone would be so entitled to think that older people would want to give up their paid jobs, to work in what is often a much more physically challenging job, for free. I mean, it just isn't what retirement is.
I don't want to be the day to day caregiver for my Grandchildren, I want the very different relationship that is that of being a grandparent.

I provide childcare 2 days per month for my grandchild.This involves me taking leave from work and any more would be impossible.Grandparents often have mortgages, car loans and full time jobs.

I look after my granddaughter once a week for the day, and I am 61. It’s one of the happiest days of the week for me and my DH. She is nearly 18 months old now, and brings love and laughter into the house with her every week. I know that if we didn’t help out, we would have missed so much. We only have one DC so we’re not exactly run off our feet with childcare requests from others! I feel it’s a real gift to spend time and build a loving relationship with her - short sleepovers and occasional visits would not have been the same. I don’t view it as an infringement of my life at all ❤️Xx

I never asked my mum but off the bat she told me she wouldn’t be available for childcare at all. She Iives 90mins away and my dad 2 hours so never factored it in my head. Better be straight up with your children so it’s not awkward for you down the line. YANBU

My in-laws do some childcare for us. But only when our shifts work out that we will both be at work on a Saturday. And we have always had a back up plan. My MIL said when I was pregnant they didn't want to do regular childcare for any of their grandchildren, but they have so many that it was because they couldn't be fair. They have always been happy to have them ad-hoc days or for sleepovers but no regular 2 days a week etc.

If I have grandchildren I'd do the same. Nothing in the place of nursery but always happy to help on weekends etc.

In contrast my parents have never offered us any regular childcare but do three days a week for my sister, which has just bred resentment everywhere.

I feel bad for new parents who don’t have the support from grandparents with childcare - I don’t think DGPs should have to do child care, I just wish they would want to.

in the current economy it is very hard to be a single income family, so SAHMs aren’t seen as often as the DGPs generation…I think they don’t realise how hard it can be because for many of them they could just devote their time to looking after their children.

that being said, you shouldn’t have kids if you don’t have sensible plans for childcare.

I fell pregnant by accident, and when I told my mum, I was lucky enough that she said she would have my son whilst I went back to work (she offered - I would not have asked her), she now does the same for my sister. If she hadn’t offered, maybe I wouldn’t have gone back to work, or gone back part time. But because she did, she has a beautiful relationship with my son, he randomly messages me to say he is going to her house after school, or asks her if he can stay over - despite being a teenager (and we all know what they are like). i feel bad that so many grandparents miss out on this, and it’s because they won’t/don’t provide childcare. Then you see them complain because their DGCs don’t visit them…

I know I was lucky, but I know that when I get the chance, I will do exactly the same for my son and his children. If we all do it then we all benefit

My parents have done zero childcare. Iv struggled, and have promised my daughters, if they need me to do childcare as a grandparent then I will. I never had that help, so would not want them to struggle in the same way.

@Chewchewaboogiw
I have made it crystal clear to my daughter that I will not be raising anyone else's children. I take them out, on short breaks, have sleep overs etc. You have them, you raise them. I do loads for my daughter and her family but they are not my children.

Feeling very lucky here. I never asked but my mum said she wouldn't have my son going to nursery when I went back, and my stepdad retires so he could be around too. They love having him. He's dropped off at about 7.30am and picked up at 3pm ish, sometimes later. My mum said she always expected to do it as that's what her mum did for her!

Also, they have him 5 days a week term time, as I work in a school.