Grandparents not wanting to do childcare...

[Chewchewaboogiw]

Have been thinking about several people I know whose planned retirememt or part time work has been changed as they have been asked to do childcare for their dgc and now they are doing chikdcare say 3 days a week instead of their plan to travel. And not massively happy about it ( in one case another.baby due also)..I have seen a post response recently that said that they take dgc out but they are not there for childcare. If you dont do childcare for your dgc how did you say no?( I am not in that position at present but i can imagine it would be hard work ..) I would imagine / fear adult ds would be hurt if they were told no dont want to do chikdcare and cant imagine how it would be phrased in a positive way.. anyone said no and is it bu to say you dont want to ... or is it now expected. I know that all families.different, am just asking about families who are comfortable in saying no .

Be that as it may, they are not a homogeneous group. The individuals I know are very elderly, and very self-sufficient.

@Robinni I agree the majority of elderly people eventually hit a point where they need support to deal with everyday life. I've helped my mum support a fair few oldies my grandparents, great aunties, at different points in time.
It starts slowly needing help with bits of housekeeping, the garden, need help getting to appointments, help with household administration bills, organising carers etc.

They don't all end up needing personal care, some will go before that point, but they do need support.

Define "elderly"?

My definition of elderly is getting frail and needing help, that may be someone in their 70s or it may be someone in their late 90s.
My Mum and my Auntie are the same age, Auntie is elderly my Mum isn't.

@Dinoteeth that’s true they won’t all need help with personal care - some will go from something or other before then… quickly if they’re lucky, but there are an increasing number of elderly requiring this sort of support.

The most recent one I helped drove until 93. Still needed several years of daily support after this.

There’s this sense of “oh if they ever become bothersome I’ll just stick them in a home”, but there are wait lists months long and getting personal care to the house is no picnic, often insufficient.

I don’t think it’s unrealistic for people to consider that while they shun being a part of their grandchildren’s lives, they may alienate the very people they will require in end of life - their children and grandchildren.

I use it in the usual sense of an aged person. I would use the term 'frail' if that was what I meant. The people I am thinking of are late 80s to late 90s.

In fact, one of the women I am thinking of is in her early nineties and is a carer for her mid-sixties son.

I am not denying anyone else's experience, merely saying that 'they' are actually individuals and not everyone ages in the same way.

@Robinni I know exactly what you mean.
Not all oldies end up in homes but those who do need a tremendous amount of support and care before they hit that point.
Lots of oldies need support but it starts small, help to change the bed, wash the windows, deal with bills etc

@milkyaqua we cross posted, I'd be very worried about a 90 something looking after her 60 yo son. She must be exhausted.

My support as a grandmother has varied. For my single parent daughter I would drop her daughter at nursery and collect her at end of day, while FT working as secondary teacher & daughter at uni. Later I would collect one afternoon after school & take the (now) 2 children swimming to give my daughter a break. I also had granddaughter 1 overnight once a week to give DD a night off. Those girls are now in their 20s, and I reap the benefit of our loving relationship. Now, I'm in my 70s, I regularly chauffeur my younger grandchildren to football etc, babysit, sometimes half days. It's never a chore BUT I would not have agreed to regular whole days a week, fearing that would be a chore. I want the nice bits. Having said that I do regularly get called upon for GCSE or A level tuition with the teenage grandkids. Do the bits you want. If you're asked don't rush into an answer, think about it, only do it if it fits into your life.

Her hobby is line-dancing!

😃 Brilliant Go Granny Go
Long may her good health continue.

But seriously there will come a time when age catches up with her. And she will need support for both her and the son.

Respectfully, unless she is planning on line dancing into the grave…. At some point illness and/or frailty will occur.

Sorry to hear she is having to look after her son at this age, but this probably motivates her to stay very fit. I hope there is someone lined up (excuse pun!) to help her.

I seem to be at the far end of the spectrum here.

I can think of very little I'd rather do with my retirement than spend a fair amount of it looking after my grandchildren.

I just wish my married son didn't live so far away.

I don't think I'd want to be looking after babies from 0800-1800 but I'm happy to help out in an ad hoc way itms

DD lives a distance anyway

It depends toast. My mother expects everyone to run after her 7 days a week. That is not feasible.......Yes its hard when u never got a bit of help over the years. You reap what you sow I think

You made me laugh my MIL would phone up say car needs MOT, sink blocked, lift to hospital, etc and hang up no HELLO goodbye or small talk. Her sons rushed round every time. Twas a running joke

Justasking; ha ha. They get very selfish. I recall a day I couldnt do something. She said did she have to ask a stranger. Just demands demands

I dont really get all this you reap what you sow

Unless you had really shitty parents then surely they did their bit supporting and bringing you up. Any help they receive when older shouldn't be dependent on having your kids.

And I don't mean full time care of elderly parents but helping with shopping, appointments etc . My mum cared for both my gps full time until they died of cancer and that's definitely not something just anyone would be able to do even with carers coming in

@EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall

I think people are being short sighted here.

There is no guarantee by the time a person is elderly/in need of help that children will be able to do the necessary. Grandchildren may be required to do it.

I cared for all of my grandparents, great aunts/uncles because they cared for me. They helped me with school, took me to hobbies, gave me amazing days out, and were interested in my life week in week out for several years.

I didn’t think twice about coming to their aid. My cousins whom they had no involvement with bar family gatherings at Christmas etc. did absolutely ZERO. They didn’t feel obligated to.

How can you feel obligated to run around after and help wash and feed somebody that you barely know?!

Its so important to maintain good boundaries. I work in care, its never ideal when families are involved in the hands on stuff. That works for children and the elderly. I will always a avoid GPs being responsible for my children for any amount of time AND thankfully my parents are very responsible and can afford their future care needs.

Sorry that you don't believe care workers actually care and are worth looking after your family members, be sure to get yourself trained up.

@Onlyforcake

Carer for various family over 30 year time span.

Carer within homes and home care.

Resources are very over stretched. A lot of carers do genuinely care and do a very good job, some are there as a go between job and aren’t that interested - hit and miss.

The way things are funded it is impossible to do everything the person requires in 15-20 mins (ie do their dinner, get them to the loo, try and chat with them).

And it takes months of family stepping in until the assessments have been carried out and care plan produced, carers sourced….

This may be a regional issue in terms of how much family are required to be involved initially ie perhaps other areas have better provision and can provide service at the drop of a hat.

My parents will have my kids a couple days a year, but they don’t live locally. I wouldn’t ask them to do something regularly.

my parents in law probably have the kids for us once a month. We had to build our work lives around assumption of having basically no help, anything we do get is a bonus and very appreciated.

@Onlyforcake family and many clients and residents I have known have been “very responsible” and could pay for their care. It still didn’t stop them having to wait several months for needs assessments and a suitable care plan to be in operation and/or for a place to be available in a home. It’s very sad to see the ones where the family leave them for months on end.

Please try and be less condescending and presumptuous, I am very well trained.

Well your friend must have ‘softshite’ stamped on her forehead🙄
I have 3 GDs …..i work part time 3 days ….no way would spend 2 days looking after GC….. I have them on my terms…..I take them to gymnastics and rainbows….I pick up from school once a week ( but if I’m away I just say not this week sorry) and they sleep over every 2 weeks…but when it suits me……….if my DD is going out or away then I will have them ….but she doesn’t ask very often so I don’t mind. I’m 57 …..my days of running round after children several days a week are well gone.

See your friends
take part in your hobbies
read
cook
sew
theatre
cinema
holidays
lunches
long walks

i could go on and on…..why would you want to spend all your time with GC and end up exhausted and no energy for the other stuff. I love my 3 GC but they completely exhaust me and I’m still in my 50s …..no way would I do it day in day out