Grandparents not wanting to do childcare...

[Chewchewaboogiw]

Have been thinking about several people I know whose planned retirememt or part time work has been changed as they have been asked to do childcare for their dgc and now they are doing chikdcare say 3 days a week instead of their plan to travel. And not massively happy about it ( in one case another.baby due also)..I have seen a post response recently that said that they take dgc out but they are not there for childcare. If you dont do childcare for your dgc how did you say no?( I am not in that position at present but i can imagine it would be hard work ..) I would imagine / fear adult ds would be hurt if they were told no dont want to do chikdcare and cant imagine how it would be phrased in a positive way.. anyone said no and is it bu to say you dont want to ... or is it now expected. I know that all families.different, am just asking about families who are comfortable in saying no .

It's definitely harder when gp do more for one set than another. With my dc they helped 1/2 day a week until school now it's a occasional nite out every few months in comparison they have sils dc most days and regular weekends then complain they aren't as close to my dc! (We do visit regularly) they also moan when we ask !

I look after my grandson two days every other week. I absolutely love it and think I’m just so lucky. His other nanny has him the alternate week so if we want to go away we can.
some people are not
lucky enough to even see their grandchildren.
I consider it a huge privilege

My Nan looked after us one weekend a month and at least a week every school holidays. DH's GP looked after them at least once a week.

Posted too soon.

When I was pregnant DMIL told me she was retiring early and would have our children one day a week and this is the day that suited her. At the time I was a little taken back but we have really appreciated it. They still go on holidays lots and we just cover those days between us. DH's siblings now have children and they expect a lot of childcare including at least a couple of weekends a month overnight. I can see the toil it's taking on his parents. DMIL struggles to pick up DN.

My parents have looked after DC twice. I had hoped they would help out in the schools holidays but accept their decision. Did grate to hear my DM say she would look after my sister's children as she lives closer.

My mother had it drummed into our heads since forever that she wasn't going to be minding grandchildren. Once she was done with her own children that was that. To be fair where we lived had a massive teenage pregnancy rate and she always warned us that she wouldn't be giving up her life to look after a baby unlike many of our neighbours.

I help my elderly mum but am def not available every day. Siblings feel same. We never had help even a babysitting offer. You reap what you sow yes.

I never asked my parents, they’d clearly offer if they wanted to / were able to. Pay for childcare or don’t work is the option. I won’t be spending my retirement back on school runs every day. I might help out once a week if able or have them for sleepovers but not a chance I’d be doing 3 days a week plus. It’s not fair on grandparents

Bigboysmademe doit, your mil and fil could have minded your children the odd time. They could have helped you out financially when you were struggling.
They had no consideration for your situation back then but now you fil is sick. Your mil in wants you both to go PT to mind him so she can have a brake. I can see why your not willing to do this.

My friend has a sister with a few kids. Her mother never offers to mind them to give her sahm daughter a break. Her daughter will ask her to mind the kids the odd time for a valid reason. Her mother then complains about minding any time she is asked. If she can get out of minding the kids she will. She has been known to ring her daughter to see how soon she will be back when she minds the kids.
Her daughter has had very little help or practical support from her mother despite needing help at times. This lady has another child also who she has done as little as possible for as well. This mother has 2 golden adult children that she has helped out financially. She has minded their kids at a moment's notice. Looked after the kids when the parents went away for a night or weekend.
This lady now has a few health issues and is getting older. My friend and her sister have decided that they won't be dropping all to mind their mother when the time comes. As my friend said let the ones she looked after mind her in her old age.

Ad hoc grandparents work well, nurseries and schools send kids home when ill, school runs whenever parents get stuck. Keep it happy and light

Exactly - my dear mum would drop anything to help us, MIL only if it suited her.
I know who's top of my priority list.

My parents told me years before I got pregnant that they weren't in a position to offer regular childcare. That's a perfectly reasonable thing to say imo. My mother in law thinks she wants the kids all the time but she always looks totally knackered when we go collect them from her! We never leave them there more than 24hrs absolute max for her own good and we really restrict the overnight stays despite being really tempted to take her up on her mad offers. 😆

I don't know how people afford it! My parents and their partners are all only in their 50s and all work full time. One of my parents will be doing 4 days a week soon but I'd never dream of asking for them to do childcare in their precious day off.

Also, when they do see the children it is so lovely to see the delight on their faces. I'd hate spending time with their grandchildren to become a chore/something they had to do.

My mum always said to me and my sisters you have kids you look after them don't come running to me to be a babysitter and now we say it to our children .

We paid for childcare for both of ours to cover all of my work days then continued with paying for after school clubs etc. The cost was a struggle for nursery (more than our mortgage) but I think you just have to suck it up. It doesn't last forever. PIL live close and always offered help where needed which I greatly appreciated but I never wanted them to be in a position where it was a burden or expected. Young children are hard work. I know they had friends that struggled with GC care demands by spouses. I think make it clear early on where you stand.

My MIL said that and we never asked her to have them. It was only when we were going through her things when she died that we found a photo of the children, she had written on the back that she was so sad she'd never been allowed to look after them. I felt very sad but I'm not a mind reader.

I have six GC. My one GS is a very kind thoughtful boy. He told me he won't let his dad or his uncles/aunt put me in a horrible home and will make sure they look after me. No worries about my old age then.

My mum still works full time although I can count on one hand the amount of times she's looked after my son in an emergency and he's 9 next week, so I would never even bother asking her about having them on a regular basis lol.

My in laws have babysat for 1/2 nights when my boys were younger, but said they couldn't commit to regular childcare as it wouldn't be fair on my SIL who is a SAHM and hasn't worked for 6 years so I think that was just an excuse lol.
We've never expected it to be honest, grandparents are older and have done their bit with their own kids.

@ancientgran

I suspect your MIL isn't alone regretting the decision not do regular childcare.

I cannot fathom out why my MIL offered to babysit on a Friday morning so I could do housework, but not offer an afternoon that would save us some cash.
I suspect it was a realisation that it was wanting alone time without the commitment that comes with childcare.

My MIL does prioritise SILs kids over both ours and BILs.

I didn't ask my parents (or in laws) and never would however my mum said to me "I want to enjoy my grandchildren, not feel obligated to you". She regularly babysits so I can go out and takes them for 3 or 4 overnights a year, the in laws also do a similar over nights. It's nice, and I know that the offers are genuine. I wasn't offended.

I think it's best to start setting expectations prior to being asked though.

@Ponderingwindow ……. How many elders have you actually cared for??? (To the point of death)

It starts off as doing errands, shopping, helping with paperwork. Then you end up going to their house at 6.30 before work so you can organise their home renovations as they still want independence. They have constant tantrums about everything akin to a toddler as they start to lose control of their lives. If they have dementia you are treated to them wandering off, doing completely mad things, phoning you most nights several times often with trips to their house to help. If they are of sound mind they eventually lose mobility and you have a series of falls and stubbornness. Days and hours of your life trying to negotiate care plans - because they don’t agree with any of them. And you end up having to clear up their vomit, shit and piss at one point or another. All leading up to the point where they are finally considered eligible for a care home - when they will still ring you constantly and demand your attention throughout the day.…. this is the reality.

My parents were bloody brilliant with my kids bit I have to be honest when I retire I definitely do not want to be lumbered. I have worked hard for my retirement. I want to enjoy it. I di not want to look after my grandchildren. Regularly

this is the reality.

No, that is your reality. Plenty of elderly people I know are self-sufficient.

My parents were very upfront about not wanting to give their retirement over to caring for grandchildren long before I even fell pregnant. I respect that and never expected them to. Now DS is actually here it's a different story, they're always happy to have him if needed (averages around once every month or so) but they know I don't expect it and I always understand if they say they can't/I don't expect them to change plans to accommodate our childcare needs - it was our choice to have DS so DH and I are responsible for his care and he loves his nursery.

My parents have always been clear that they'll help out when needed if they can. They adore DS and always welcome the chance to spend time with him, but they don't want it to be a longstanding commitment as they travel a lot and have lives of their own. They are always visibly delighted to see him, though. If your children aren't entitled and you're clear from the off that you will love and cherish and spend time with your grandchildren without wishing to be the unpaid nanny then I hope that it would be unlikely that you'll have issues. I've never questioned my parents' absolute adoration for my DS, but I respect their right to have their own lives and not just exist to make my life choices easier. I think resentment happens when it's either assumed that parents will help and then they say no, or their help is offered and then retracted.

I do find the cavalier attitude that some have where they won't provide care to parents who haven't offered free childcare for their kids as they get older pretty revolting, tbh.

They're your kids. You chose to have them. Assuming your parents, or your partner's parents, loved you and gave you a good upbringing then they have done their time and owe you nothing and deserve your time and love as they get older. Attaching conditions to that relating to your own children is horribly mercenary.

Sorry have to disagree supported several family and was a carer for 15 years. They can cope very well for a time and be self sufficient. But eventually they will deteriorate - and that can be a tough 2-5 years to negotiate.