Grandparents not wanting to do childcare...

[Chewchewaboogiw]

Have been thinking about several people I know whose planned retirememt or part time work has been changed as they have been asked to do childcare for their dgc and now they are doing chikdcare say 3 days a week instead of their plan to travel. And not massively happy about it ( in one case another.baby due also)..I have seen a post response recently that said that they take dgc out but they are not there for childcare. If you dont do childcare for your dgc how did you say no?( I am not in that position at present but i can imagine it would be hard work ..) I would imagine / fear adult ds would be hurt if they were told no dont want to do chikdcare and cant imagine how it would be phrased in a positive way.. anyone said no and is it bu to say you dont want to ... or is it now expected. I know that all families.different, am just asking about families who are comfortable in saying no .

It's a case of you reap what you sow.

If GPs aren't interested don't want to help. Then they can't expect to have as close a relationship to the DGC as the other DGP. Nor can the expect personal care or help themselves when the time comes.

I think it's better to have the conversation before the GC are born especially if you think there's even the slightest chance of someone wanting you to do more than you can cope with. Be very clear about what you're willing to do and don't let what others do push you into agreeing to do over that. You'll enjoy the time you spend together much more if everyone knows where they stand. If someone's offended by your decision, that's their problem not yours.

One of my DM's friends didn't want to be looking after GC but said nothing about the first one and now finds herself looking after three at various times of the week every week. The last one is because her DS said it was unfair for her to help his sister and not him. She's increasingly resentful that she can't now do the things she'd hoped to be doing when she retired because she's tied to childcare that she didn't want to do in the first place. It's as much her fault as her DC - don't let yourself end up in the same position.

I have a sibling who is disappointed with the perceived lack of interest in their DC. What they seem to have no insight into is that they monitored every interaction & were highly critical a great deal of the time. There was barely any space to develop a relationship. The kids themselves are a joy but the walking on eggshells got too soul-destroying. I'm quite sad about this but it affects my own MH being told off all the time.

You see it here all the time, GP have the kids lots but parents want them to have no agency about decisions, often correctly but still...

My mum looked after mine when I went back to work at her request. She wanted to do it so I got a job given she was around. I don't like kids, mine were fine but I'm well past babies/toddlers/kid stage. My kids (adults and late teens now) know I don't like kids so they likely won't even ask so I won't need to say no.

That’s a huge ask of your mum and I’m not surprised she said no !

3 kids for 4 days a week !

I wonder how much of this is tied into a desire to save money?
if you were paying grandparents the going rate would you feel differently ?

I have two children who are one and three and we never have any help with childcare, we just rely on nursery and our 'date nights' are now in the living room 🤣
We made the choice to have children so do not expect it at all.... the one thing that really annoys me is that my mil always left her son (my husband) with grandparents but made it clear when I was pregnant with my first that she will not be looking after them.
Like I said, I don't mind at all... but annoys me that she got help but I have to pay over £1000 in childcare fees a month!

By this reasoning women should just have children as soon as they are able and continue till they can't stop and spend all their time on childcare because biology and evolution. In reality though people have other things to do and dreams of their own. Also sounds like a living hell for many!

So if you have children who never have children then you should not expect personal care or help yourself when the time comes? So your expectation should be depenedent on you children having children so that you you can receive care?

And btw I don't think kids should have to provide care for parents at all unless they want too. I just find your reasoning off/illogical.

My mum used to say "I can't, I'm too busy/I have too much on" and that was that. No one can make you babysit your grandchildren if you don't want to or it doesn't suit.

I'd like to saw I hadn't "expected it" but to be truthful I had. We regularly went to stay with our grandparents as children so I'd kind of assumed she would follow suit.

Then after my sister had children she looked after them all the time but would say she didn't feel comfortable having mine to stay "because I dont really know him". Well, duh!

I didn't object, just quietly found and paid babysitters when we wanted one. It did create some distance between us though (not so much the lack of babysitting but the stark difference between how she treated my children compared with my sisters).

I think she regrets it now she's older and we don't have much contact. As a PP said, you reap what you sow.

TLDR: babysitting isn't essential but showing an interest is vital!

@Springsunshine1 Well for a start for a large number of people they will get free childcare up to 30hrs/tax free childcare/tax credits/UC contribution… so for many people it is not about the money.

In our case we cannot send DC to wrap around due to needs. All we would be asking for is a few afternoons weekly, maybe an evening every six wks….

The main thing I think about is that my Grandparents were such an enormous part of my happiness and well being as a child - they took me to the Zoo, farm, museum, aquarium, sports activities and dance, I met many of their friends who broadened my social skills, I had increased time with cousins, I had flexibility of learning style as different parts of the family looked after me and had different ways of working. Most of all I knew I was part of a bigger family and knew how loved I was.

My grandparents each side gave up about 6-8 hours per week of their time, but the impact on me was huge - they still played sports, had social activities and amazing holidays. But I was part of their life.

@Travelisfun - yes it’s the double standards!!

I feel really uncomfortable about people saying “wellll if you can’t be arsed to do childcare for me I won’t help in old age” I mean they are actually your own children not somebody else’s. It’s different if your parents show absolutely no interest in you or your family or were terrible parents.

I think it’s lovely if offered and those who have parents who help out are super lucky. But I would be a bit out out if DD sat me down after she got pregnant and asked me if I wanted to do childcare, if I wanted to I’d have offered.

happily I will be in my late 70’s if DD has kids at the same age I did. Hopefully she’ll take one look at me and think “nah”. I currently have a toddler and it’s exhausting, would be happy to do a few hours or babysit so Dd could go away for a weekend but I would not want to do regular childcare. Seeing my grandchildren while somebody else does the drudge work seems fine to me. My MIL always says the pleasure of grandkids is that they aren’t actually your responsibility. And she’s a bloody good grandmother.

tbh as well it’s true people are basically talking about grandmothers for the most part. Hardly seems fair where they were basically mostly responsible for raising their own kids and then mostly responsible for elder care and then mostly responsible for looking after grandkids. I’m sure there are posters who’s parents split childcare equally when they were growing up but I imagine it’s not the majority. Things should be more equitable these days and I think it’s good more women are able to say no to stuff generally. Perhaps ask your dads or father in-laws if they want to do regular childcare instead.

DM made it clear long before grandchildren were here that she had reared all hers and her job was done. As it happens all of us had to move away for work anyway so none of us lived near enough her to consider offering childcare. So no sides had that expectation.

However she's selective in any emergency childcare /babysitting she does. She's never offered for me, and declined to help us in a genuine emergency. Luckily I have very helpful inlaws that were happy to offer. FWIW, DP and I go out maybe once or twice a year, and we always had full time professional childcare/wraparound care so never relied on anyone or took the piss, we only ever asked in a genuine emergency. DM babysat extensively for every single sibling of mine, but after the third time I asked her for a hand in the space of 5 years, I got the hint and stopped asking. It hurt at the time but I got over it. Now years later she's offering to babysit, but I actually don't need her to any more, and I'm a stubborn bugger so she would actually be last on my list of people I'd ask.

I won't let it affect the GPs relationship with DS, he comes with me to visit her all the time but she's really not that interested in him and vice versa.

We didn't ask, but my mum gently made it clear to us when we were expecting DS1 that she would NOT be stopping/reducing work to do childcare (she would have lost her pension eligibility), nor would she do full time childcare once she did retire as she and Dad had always planned to travel after retirement. She said they'd always be available to 'pitch in' but not have day to day responsibility. It was fine with us, we could afford daycare, and they were as good as their word when it came to helping out when we needed childcare or just to give us a break. They often also took our boys overnight and for a week at a time during summer just to spend time with them.

DH and I are retired now and although we don't have DGC at this point I can totally see where she was coming from. DH and I RV and are often gone for 6-8 weeks at a time and I wouldn't want to give it up for anything. We worked hard to be able to 'live our dream' of retirement. If there were a true need because they simply could not afford childcare or the child had special needs that couldn't be met, naturally I'd do it. But otherwise, parents need to be responsible for their own children and their needs.

I've spent my 20s, 30s, and 40s working FT and raising children. My youngest won't be an adult until I'm in my 50s. I intend to spend my retirement traveling and doing the things I want to do that I couldn't do when I was working and raising children. I don't think that makes me selfish.

Grandparent childcare was a total non-issue due to age/ distance.
We've had a total of 4 hours babysitting in 11 years, mostly to go to a funeral service when the DCs were u5. The other was an event that went past DM's house that took about 90 mins.

Regular childcare was paid. Very occasionally DH and I ask friends. We have an average of one night out a year together. Friends are busy with their own lives/ families and they tend to have family support so there isn't a natural reciprication, and I don't want to go into CF territory. DS1 has high functioning ASD so hiring a stranger with a DBS is not worthwhile.

I knew we were going into it alone, and that's OK. It has been more complicated than I expected, particularly as DS1 did not cope well with paid childcare arrangements. Where I do feel hurt is that the grandparents have reached the stage of old age where they don't really care about their grandchildren anymore, and Covid has been a final nail in any kind of relationship (in one case contact still policed by hospital/ care home policy/ logistics of travel, the other just hasn't been arsed to even suggest seeing them in two years). I've seen them care for other grandchildren (including childcare) and I just want them to ask how my children are doing and to want me to bring the children to them occasionally. I don't think that's particularly excessive.

The oldest grandchildren of a family tend to get better relationships than the youngest.

@Springsunshine1 a very small percentage for me is about money.

The biggest percentage is about feeling supported, feeling like I have someone else to rely on when times get tough. I have no village, my parents have said they don’t want to do any type of childcare but then also seem disappointed we wont travel regularly to their house.

So when I was pregnant with DC2 I was pulling in favours with friends to help look after DC1 when I went into labour. I had a schedule with who is free on which days with neighbours and friends so it was easy for my DH to arrange cover.

I feel really uncomfortable about people saying “wellll if you can’t be arsed to do childcare for me I won’t help in old age” I mean they are actually your own children not somebody else’s. It’s different if your parents show absolutely no interest in you or your family or were terrible parents.

I agree. However I said this a while back on a similar thread and was told that it’s different because the middle generation didn’t ask to be born, no one made the now-GP have us and look after us 🙄 how terribly Kevin the Teenager.

I/we help out with our grandchildren with 3 full days every 6 weeks, the school run and overnights, generally once a month and on occasion we take them out for the day or a morning or afternoon. We get the pleasure of them and their parents get a break, we enjoy it from every angle.
To be honest, I am beginning to struggle a bit with the full day childcare of a 17 month old and there may come a time when the little one has to go to nursery on those days unless my DH keeps to his promise of retiring next year.

I can’t imagine not helping with my grandchildren; my own DC have great relationships with their GP’s even though we didn’t ever live that close to them as my DC were growing up.

The commitment of helping with elder care is typically closer to the commitment of providing occasional babysitting and backup child care, not being full-time child care. Not many people decide to be full-time nursemaids to their elder parents. Instead we help with logistics and errands.

Never really expected it, but I did ask if they would be interested. My mum does half a day a week and other GP's don't do anything and rarely see kids (OH's parents aren't really into the kids, but they are a bit nuts, so I'm quite glad of it to be honest). I really appreciate my mum helping out. As we both work FT, she knows it will be difficult to see the kids as we are always playing catch up with weekend jobs. My parents still work, OH's don't (and are a few years younger). They never babysit so we can go out, so we don't get nights out.

As a consequence, the kids adore my mum and dad as they see so much more of them. They are not keen on OH's GP's funnily enough and the GP's don't seem to understand why that might be.

I would say it is good to help out as you get a better bond with the kids, but if you only want to pop over on birthdays and Christmas then you kind of have to expect the kids not to be as interested in you. You just have to be clear about what you are offering and offer a day in the first instance. I think GP's can commit to more than they can cope with in the beginning and it creates animosity when the number of days need reducing.

@Essexexile what you are describing I think falls into pitching in rather than childcare. You are only tied every few weeks, yet you still get to spend quality time with your grandchildren

@Springsunshine1 yes I guess it does although the full day is definitely childcare but I think we have a good balance, which we’re fortunate to have.

So then if you have no kids (and thereby no GC for GP) are you off scott-free?

I feel really uncomfortable about people saying “wellll if you can’t be arsed to do childcare for me I won’t help in old age” I mean they are actually your own children not somebody else’s. It’s different if your parents show absolutely no interest in you or your family or were terrible parents.

I don't think it is exactly that. In our case, we would be more inclined to prioritize my mum's needs, as she has taken the time to help us when we needed it despite having a job and her own parent to help. I think it would be wrong to put other GP's first when she has really been there for us. Yes they can do whatever they want and it's their choice, but they must realize that we will feel like we owe my mother more time when she is in old age, since she has given up her time for us and our children more than the other GP's.