Classic problem. Feel so let down and resentful

[2fat2care2]

I have 3 DC under 6yo. Two are at school and the youngest (2yo) is looked after by a nanny. I work very long hours in a full time job and my H works part time contract hours (sometimes during the day, sometimes at night.) I am the biggest bread earner.

I usually have a lot of early morning meetings on Zoom because of timezone differences. Most of the time my Nanny takes the 2yo with her on the school run, but today and other days in the past she has not taken him, because he is ill. In these scenarios it becomes essential for my H to take the 2yo while I am on calls and my Nanny is dropping the older 2 at school. It involves him waking up at 8am and having 2yo for maximum 45mins while the Nanny finishes the school run.

Sometimes if he's done night work before this, I understand to some extent if he can't do it (although it only involves taking 2yo for 45mins when he gets in from work, then going to sleep for the whole day.) However still most of the time, even when he has slept the night, gone to bed the same time as me, doesn't have work, he will not get up to take the 2yo.

This morning is an example. An important call is about to start, my husband refuses to be woken. I put 2yo in his room, 2yo wants to be with me and so follows me out. H does nothing, just ignores me. 2yo then comes and disturbs the call, wants to sit on my lap while I present something (as happened this morning.) Talks over me, to the point I can see people on the call losing patience. The doorbell rings throughout the call (it's amazon/various other things.) H does not get out of bed.

Whenever I mention this to anyone they do the whole "typical man" thing. But I just feel so let down. H makes excuses all the time "he refuses to stay with me when you give him to me." Or if I push it and tell him he just has to force 2yo to stay with him, H gets cross with me and says that's "cruel" to 2yo and makes me feel guilty for working.

I feel full of resentment. Obviously this is not the only thing he does to get out of properly parenting, but it is significant, as my work is our main source of income.

AIBU to feel so let down and resentful? Does this happen to you? Are you able to ignore it if other things are "fine?"

Was married to one of these, but even he would've got out of bed in the situation you describe.

No excuses for him at all, OP. He has no idea what true partnership means and is also a shit parent, ime they don't get any better and the resentment kills your marriage.

Bin him off and arrange backup childcare for situations like these. With 3 so young, you have a long way to go and he's just going to drain your energy.

Any men reading this and wondering why mumsnet is so full of rage and resentment, here is your answer in a single thread.

Wrap the child up and the nanny takes him with her.

Divorce the husband.

Get a bolt fitted to the outside of the bedroom door. Put your 2YO in the bedroom with your lazy, feckless, irresponsible shit of a husband and lock the pair of them in for the duration of the meeting.

And I'm only half joking.

You answered your own question. You would be better off single because then you would have guaranteed childcare in place for this and not keep getting let down by the useless husband at the last minute.

I had a similar husband who would go out 15 minutes before I was due to leave for work and leave me stranded. I would end up having to take the children to my mums last minute and be late for work. So I was marked down as unreliable etc. Soon as I dumped him I had to get bombproof childcare in place and it was so much less stressful, less work, less mental load and less resentment.

@2fat2care2
You might well be better off single. As a pp remarked, you will be free of the crushing weight of disappointment and resentment if you no longer have to deal with his utter lack of reasonableness.

Get a really, really good divorce lawyer, and investigate your options.

Watch out for attempts by this useless man to portray himself as the primary caregiver of the children. You have evidence in the form of a nanny to prove otherwise, and also all those business calls starring your toddler.

I would be very inclined to keep a record of occasions when you have asked your H to parent up and he has flat out refused or made lazy excuses.

If I just left the house and went to the office, 2yo would be screaming for 45mins while H slept and until nanny came back. I don't like that idea.

If he has done this before, giving you good reason to suspect it will happen again, then unpleasant though it will be for the child, it needs to be documented and will bolster your case. Do you have security cameras in your house?

Might as well be single

Yes you really might as well. But if you go down that route make sure you have plenty of evidence that he is not a primary carer for the children. (Teachers don't know him, nanny can back you up, even evidence of the 2 year old on video calls if you have it.) Worst case scenario is that he blags his way into getting the house and kids and then lives off your money while neglecting the children without you being able to do anything about it.

makes me feel guilty for working.

But he's happy to stay in bed while his two year-old is 'screaming.?

What an utterly shit manchild. I really would think seriously about divorce as this won't improve.

🤷🏻‍♀️

That ^^ is you admitting there is no solution. That expecting him to actually step up is pointless (I mean - wow, that is pretty incredible).

So ditch him. At least he’ll be one less expense for you.

P.S. I really hope whatever contraception you’re using is watertight.

OP - @mathanxiety has articulated all the reasons behind my question upthread - "how much will it cost you to divorce him?"

Cheers Math for saying everything I was unable to about this earlier (too close to the bone, am feeling stronger now 😎)

2fat2 - That cost won't just be financial, & I'm not being glib with my LTB.
But your situation is untenable, & if you allow it to continue, you could find yourself on the wrong side of a rottweiler lawyer with their eyes on spousal support, obstructive & expensive custody battles, & your assets & pension.

(H won't fight for custody because he can be arsed to care about his kids btw. He'll be doing it to throw a toxic spanner into your works, & to extract as much bread from your breadwinning as his lawyer is able to wrangle.)

Kettricken no, what Gatorade posted is exactly to the letter what happened to me. Menchildren are dangerous and vindictive and the dc can lose out massively.

Tread carefully OP but please don't hope he'll change. You have to parent your kids, not your useless H.

You need to go into the office.

There have been many threads over the past couple years usually with the DH WFH and bring disturbed and the answer is always to go back to the office.

In your situation this is a must as then it forces him to actually do something.

Is his argument that’s what you pay a nanny for?

I can see why if it was a regular occurrence that he’d not want to do it as what’s the point of having a nanny - but when one of them is poorly it’s hardly difficult to just watch them for a while until the nanny gets back.

What happens when the nanny goes home? Does he do his fair share then?

A partner should improve your life.
If your life would be easier/less stressful without them there then there is honestly no point staying together.

H won't fight for custody because he can be arsed to care about his kids btw. He'll be doing it to throw a toxic spanner into your works, & to extract as much bread from your breadwinning as his lawyer is able to wrangle.

YYY to that.

Get a really good solicitor.

Watch out for attempts by this useless man to portray himself as the primary caregiver of the children.

As you’re married then he of course will be entitled to half of everything even he earns less or works less.

As the parent who works PT he could in theory be classed as the main caregiver.

If he wants to go for being the main caregiver then I’d absolutely let him.

He can have a go at juggling work, childcare, housework etc and considering he only works PT with less money then he won’t be able to afford a nanny.
He’ll have to work FT and pay for childcare and then actually do the childcare when he gets home.
I can’t see that lasting very long.

Other things are not 'fine' if he doesn't have to step up to do his share of the parenting. And if you're working and he's not, he needs to step up ... in this case, get the f*ck up and take the 2 year old.

I agree with the 'might as well be single' line. I'd be giving him notice to get to fuck since he's happy for you to be the breadwinner AND do the juggling and heavy lifting at home while he literally sleeps. Fuck him.

Hey OP, here is my suggestion for a situation like this morning :

H refuses to be a parent
You fill large bucket of water with ice
You empty said bucket on H
You tell him that now he has to pull his weight because if he doesn't divorce papers will be on their way today
And then follow through.

He is taking the piss!!! Of course you are right to feel this way. The cheek!

YABU for allowing this to continue. You need to stop enabling his behaviour. Make him get up half an hour before you are due to start so there is no excuse.

@ChairCareOh no, he's not, but that won't prevent him asserting the lie.

The assumption that the PT or non-working parent is the primary caregiver is one the family courts are likely to make, so she needs documentation of his fecklessness.

Marty, sadly that is an assault.

@Rookiemistake , how should she do that?

As the main wage earner if DP didn't pull his weight and look after a toddler for 45 mins sometimes then I'd be in the office full time. Work clearly aren't going to put up with you doing childcare whilst you're meant to be working so being in the office seems sensible to me. Tell him you're going and leave, then nanny leave toddler with DH. It seems crazy to organise someone else to look after the toddler for 45 mins - which you pay for?!

mathanxiety set numerous very loud alarms. Open the curtains. Remove the duvet. Just make it generally uncomfortable for him to stay asleep.

He is absolutely taking the piss. Tell him you'll give up work and divorce him if he doesn't pull his finger out now. Bloody useless twat.
When I was a single mum I'd do nights then come home and look after my child all day.