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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Classic problem. Feel so let down and resentful

227 replies

2fat2care2 · 04/05/2022 10:03

I have 3 DC under 6yo. Two are at school and the youngest (2yo) is looked after by a nanny. I work very long hours in a full time job and my H works part time contract hours (sometimes during the day, sometimes at night.) I am the biggest bread earner.

I usually have a lot of early morning meetings on Zoom because of timezone differences. Most of the time my Nanny takes the 2yo with her on the school run, but today and other days in the past she has not taken him, because he is ill. In these scenarios it becomes essential for my H to take the 2yo while I am on calls and my Nanny is dropping the older 2 at school. It involves him waking up at 8am and having 2yo for maximum 45mins while the Nanny finishes the school run.

Sometimes if he's done night work before this, I understand to some extent if he can't do it (although it only involves taking 2yo for 45mins when he gets in from work, then going to sleep for the whole day.) However still most of the time, even when he has slept the night, gone to bed the same time as me, doesn't have work, he will not get up to take the 2yo.

This morning is an example. An important call is about to start, my husband refuses to be woken. I put 2yo in his room, 2yo wants to be with me and so follows me out. H does nothing, just ignores me. 2yo then comes and disturbs the call, wants to sit on my lap while I present something (as happened this morning.) Talks over me, to the point I can see people on the call losing patience. The doorbell rings throughout the call (it's amazon/various other things.) H does not get out of bed.

Whenever I mention this to anyone they do the whole "typical man" thing. But I just feel so let down. H makes excuses all the time "he refuses to stay with me when you give him to me." Or if I push it and tell him he just has to force 2yo to stay with him, H gets cross with me and says that's "cruel" to 2yo and makes me feel guilty for working.

I feel full of resentment. Obviously this is not the only thing he does to get out of properly parenting, but it is significant, as my work is our main source of income.

AIBU to feel so let down and resentful? Does this happen to you? Are you able to ignore it if other things are "fine?"

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 04/05/2022 14:57

I had a husband like this once. I divorced him.

Piglet89 · 04/05/2022 15:09

Why have you billed this as a “classic” problem? My husband is the breadwinner in our home by some considerable margin, altho we do both work part time. There is just NO WAY he would refuse to care for our two year old while I presented on work calls. Like, no way.

Piglet89 · 04/05/2022 15:10

we both work full time.

KarenOLantern · 04/05/2022 15:16

If I just left the house and went to the office, 2yo would be screaming for 45mins while H slept and until nanny came back. I don't like that idea.

If your husband would actually, honestly ignore his unwell screaming child for 45 minutes rather than tend to him, then he is an absolutely worthless father and a useless sack of sh*t.

First off you need be firm and blunt with him: it's non-negotiable, now is HIS responsibility to mind the 2yo because you are UNAVAILABLE, then shut the screaming toddler in the room with him and lock the office door behind you until he gets up. He's not getting up because you're letting him not get up, he knows you'll give in after absolutely no time at all, so he's not registering it as a necessity, just a mild preference. You need to let him know it is non-negotiable, he is looking after the toddler now. And if he doesn't, then you need to let him know afterwards that his behaviour is unacceptable and you won't put up with it one more time.

User3568975431146 · 04/05/2022 15:17

This reply has been deleted

We've removed this post as we didn't feel it was in the spirit.

Maurepas · 04/05/2022 15:18

I just keep thinking of OP throwing jug of ice cubes over DH's head while he is still in bed ( hopefully ice will be picked up before it melts and ruins bed) - while also taking 2 year old into bedroom and locking them both in!

AryaStarkWolf · 04/05/2022 15:20

This reply has been deleted

We've removed this post as we didn't feel it was in the spirit.

What a nasty thing to say, the Op has said nothing to suggest that she isn't "cut out for parenthood"

timeisnotaline · 04/05/2022 15:22

LightningAndRainbows · 04/05/2022 10:30

If I just left the house and went to the office, 2yo would be screaming for 45mins while H slept and until nanny came back you'd wake him up and tell him you were going out. Would he really just lie there if there was no other option? If so then yes you would be better off single.

This. Not ‘might as well be single’ but ‘Being single would be far preferable to having to call that my husband’

NerrSnerr · 04/05/2022 15:33

When you're married to someone their supposed to be in a loving partnership. He clearly doesn't feel like this and isn't behaving that way. He doesn't give a shit that he's making your life really difficult which means he can't be that bothered about you. Do you want to stay married to someone who doesn't give a shit?

glitterfairy88 · 04/05/2022 15:37

This is basically him telling you he places no value or importance on your job. He is selfish. Sadly a common scenario of women who are trying to work, have a career and a family.

mbosnz · 04/05/2022 15:41

He's not sparking a hell of a lot of joy, is he? Not with you, not with the child you both had, and both have the responsibility of caring for and bringing up.

It sounds like you are doing pretty much everything, and he's doing his own thing.

Doesn't sound great for the longevity of the relationship, and he's got a hell of a lot more to lose than you have - actually, what you'd lose if you decided to get rid of him, is something of a mystery to me. He's also rather dead weight as a father, isn't he? More like another dependent for you, who can't be depended on by either his wife or his child.

caringcarer · 04/05/2022 15:44

You go into office to work, before you leave you take 2 year old into bedroom DH is sleeping in and pour icy cold water over his head. He will weaken then. Off you go to office. You would only need to do it a couple of times. If that fails leave him.

wanderingscot · 04/05/2022 15:51

Why didn't you just dump the toddler on the bed and say he's yours now, then walk out and shut the door behind you so the toddler can't get out. So what if toddler screams - you can't sleep through that.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/05/2022 16:19

wanderingscot · 04/05/2022 15:51

Why didn't you just dump the toddler on the bed and say he's yours now, then walk out and shut the door behind you so the toddler can't get out. So what if toddler screams - you can't sleep through that.

To the legion PP asking this question - please read the opening post, 4th paragraph.

Then cancel the cheque.

lovingtheheat · 04/05/2022 16:20

It isn't a typical man thing at all. You husband is selfish and frankly cruel if he would really leave his child in that state. I wouldn't be able to forgive it. He is telling you that he doesn't care about you or your child. GIven his attitude, I presume you do everything around the house/lif too?. If you're the main earner, yes you would be better off single by the sound of it.

pitterpatterrain · 04/05/2022 16:22

Justcallmebebes · 04/05/2022 10:12

So you're the breadwinner and I bet a week's wages you do most of the home stuff and life admin too. What is he for exactly?

This. 100%.

I was expecting more of a middle ground situation but to be honest what you have just described you don’t come back from that. It’s the opposite of working as a team.

Crankley · 04/05/2022 16:23

Might as well be single

You said it yourself.

ChocolateHippo · 04/05/2022 16:25

He sounds like someone who it would be incredibly easy to get rid of. He's essentially made himself entirely dispensible in your lives. Your nanny is more important than him practically (and honestly it sounds like emotionally too).

Hellospring22 · 04/05/2022 16:27

Completely unacceptable. He’s jeopardising your job. It’s not ok to have your toddler interrupting your presentation and it’s beyond not ok for your DH to be refusing to parent in this situation. He’s at home and would rather ruin your career and reputation than look after your two year old occasionally for 45 minutes. There’s no teamwork or respect here. You should be outraged and asking some serious questions!

Theoscargoesto · 04/05/2022 16:27

So many contradictions in his stance. It’s cruel for you to leave your 2 y o with him distressed but not cruel for the child to be distressed for 45 minutes because his dad can’t get out of bed?

You’re the main earner. What exactly does this person bring to the party? From where I sit, he is lazy and entitled and not pulling his weight. I’d you have to find someone else to look after a child for 45 mins because their able bodied dad can’t be bothered, you are right, you would be better off single.

springtimeishereagain · 04/05/2022 16:29

If I just left the house and went to the office, 2yo would be screaming for 45mins while H slept and until nanny came back.

Christ, if this is how your h treats his OWN DC, what the hall is he like with other people?? He sounds completely devoid of empathy, love and understanding.

I'd kick him out so fast his feet wouldn't touch the ground.

He's literally pointless and useless, and nasty to boot. Your nanny is more important than he is!

(I assume he used to be a nice person, otherwise you wouldn't have had three dc with him.)

Indicatrice · 04/05/2022 16:30

Ideally you need to dump this twatbag. Leave now before he is entitled to spousal support from you.

In the meantime, leave for work early. He will be forced to care for dd. If you think he won't care for his own dd then you need to leave him asap as he is abusive to his children as well in that case.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/05/2022 16:30

Might as well be single

@2fat2care2

So, you've answered your own question, haven't you? You need to look at your life/marriage in its totality and ask yourself exactly what he contributes to your marriage AND to your happiness. And don't say 'he's really a great father' because he isn't.

Had a friend whose DH was just the same. He 'bothered' with childcare when he felt like it, which wasn't often. She finally got fed up and left. She later said that doing 100% of childcare was far easier on her than doing 90% of childcare + the load of mental/emotional resentment she carried watching her useless DH lay about.

Kindtomyself · 04/05/2022 16:32

@2fat2care2 this is totally unacceptable from H. I know where you're coming from. I'm having a kind of similar situation with my H where he'll do something like make dinner for us all and kind of clean up but not properly which means I have to do it however the other way around I clean everything. When mentioning it to people I get 'typical man' or eye roll. I keep thinking why do people accept this? Am I missing something? As far as I can see I might as well be single

Phobiaphobic · 04/05/2022 16:32

OP, your husband is being a passive-aggressive wanker, but you know this really. Unfortunately you're letting him get away with it. Yes, in an ideal world he wouldn't be such an arse in the first place, but if you went properly nuclear the very first time he presented one of these behaviours, he wouldn't persist. Or he might get the hump and leave. But you'd probably be better off if he did.