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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move away when the children are still at Uni?

226 replies

SybilofCumae · 04/05/2022 08:38

We've lived in the same house since my 3 children were born. It's a beautiful house that I love and my children have been happy here and have lots of friends locally. They are all now at Uni, but look forward to the holidays and coming home.

I love the house and the years we've had here, but it's not in an area I'm from, or an area I've ever particuarly liked, and I've never felt 100% settled. I have friends here who I would miss though.

I've been offered a job opportunity in an area of the country I've always loved since I was a child. I holidayed there as a child and we've been there with our own children. It's a place I feel very connected to. DH and I are very tempted by a potential new chapter in this new place, but have a sense of dread or guilt about 'dissolving' the family home, all the memories, & the significance of it to the children, and to myself if I'm honest.

Part of me would feel devastated to let all that go. Another part wants a change.
I'm wondering if this is menopausal reaction? Anyone else felt like this?

The kids are shocked we're even considering it, and I can tell feel bereft at the thought of not coming back home, or having links here anymore.

AIBU to move when the children don't yet have their own bases or homes?

YANBU to move for your own adventure.

OP posts:
balalake · 04/05/2022 17:49

You may not have the job offer or something similar in even one year's time, so I think you should go for it.

Tiddlesthecat · 04/05/2022 17:50

My parents lost our family home and then split and moved to new areas whilst I was at Uni. It had a huge impact upon me. I left home to go to Uni and suddenly all my security vanished. I had no base to return to in the uni holidays. I sometimes stayed on campus or just went off traveling. I was unable to catch up with all my old school friends. I felt homesick. In the end, as soon as my degree finished I moved to Canada. I understand where you are coming from, but I really feel like young adults still need that base/security whilst they are setting out in life. For that reason, I am determined to always have a base for them in the city where they grew up until they have finished uni and started their first job/got their own flat. Your kids will certainly want to return to see their friends in the holidays, so will probably end up staying with them instead if that's an option. You might see less of them than you would like. If you do move, could you afford to buy a flat in your existing city and a smaller place in the new area and split your time there a bit?

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/05/2022 17:52

Would anyone really pass up on the offer of a new job in a location you’ve always fancied just to remain in the same family home so that when your son/daughter come visit they can be in the home they grew up in?

no one would! Genuinely don’t believe anyone would be so self sacrificing and martyr like

mumda · 04/05/2022 17:55

Yes move.
But treat their stuff with sensitivity and don't bin it during the move just because they're not there. Maybe get them to sort through their belongings at their next holiday.
Oh and tell them your new address!

ChoiceMummy · 04/05/2022 17:58

@SybilofCumae

I wonder whether you opting to up sticks, will lead to your children possibly being more likely to be spread apart with less of a support network than if they were coming back to the area that has their friends etc locally.

Visiting your home, will be just that, visiting you. It won't be their home, nor feel like it and likewise the area won't be their area with any connection to it.

Not a reason not to go, but one I'd consider if you'd hoped for a close relationship location wise with your children.

Original poster
SybilofCumae · 04/05/2022 18:05

@ChoiceMummy and @Tiddlesthecat I understand what you're saying and I think that is why this is more of a selfish decision that it may appear.

Yes I want to live in this place, but I also want to be close to my children and have lovely family times in a place we all feel is home.

So @LuckySantangelo35 not such a martyr, more just wanting everything.

OP posts:
MarJau26 · 04/05/2022 18:11

I think your children are so upset because you have given them such a secure and loving home. If they all grew up there and that's where all their memories are, then it's completely understandable. How lucky are they. I would say maybe give it a year until they have all left to see how everyone adjusts. But definitely do it. You can create new memories in a new home as the family expands( partners, children). Flowers

SmiledWtherisingsun · 04/05/2022 18:14

My folks did this. It REALLY upset me. A lot.
But I can now see things from their perspective. The kids will get over it. You have to live your life OP.

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/05/2022 18:17

@ChoiceMummy

”Visiting your home, will be just that, visiting you. It won't be their home, nor feel like it and likewise the area won't be their area with any connection to it.”

shoudlnt that be the case though with adult DC?

SmiledWtherisingsun · 04/05/2022 18:19

And if you have a good relationship with the kids, you will still have happy family times in your new home!

My folks did end up moving back to the place they brought me up as I live here now & they wanted to be nearer grandchildren.

Can you rent your house out & just rent in the new place so you can return if you want to at a later date?

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/05/2022 18:19

SybilofCumae · 04/05/2022 18:05

@ChoiceMummy and @Tiddlesthecat I understand what you're saying and I think that is why this is more of a selfish decision that it may appear.

Yes I want to live in this place, but I also want to be close to my children and have lovely family times in a place we all feel is home.

So @LuckySantangelo35 not such a martyr, more just wanting everything.

@SybilofCumae

but you can have everything!

You can take the job and move to this place you like and also have the lovely family times with your son/daughter comes to visit!

Win, win!

It’s not an either/or situation.

starlingdarling · 04/05/2022 18:43

SybilofCumae · 04/05/2022 18:05

@ChoiceMummy and @Tiddlesthecat I understand what you're saying and I think that is why this is more of a selfish decision that it may appear.

Yes I want to live in this place, but I also want to be close to my children and have lovely family times in a place we all feel is home.

So @LuckySantangelo35 not such a martyr, more just wanting everything.

It doesn't necessarily mean that they'll end up back home if you stay. My DH's Dad lives just 15 minutes down the road from their old family home (his mum died while he was at uni). We live 2 hours away. He got a graduate job here and bought a flat then a house. We talk about moving back there one day but it's a pricier area so would mean downsizing and we'd need to find jobs. We still regularly visit his dad and step mum as it's such a lovely place to visit.

Desert76 · 04/05/2022 18:59

I would do it - you have a job offer and that makes it a great time to do it!

My adult siblings and I don’t live near our parents (or each other) - though we are all the ones who moved, not them. Your children could end up anywhere after uni, you might even be closer to that location after you move!

As far as returning to the area to see friends goes - all my childhood friends are also now scattered over the country nowhere near where I grew up.

I still manage to see them, in their new locations, and I still manage to see my parents, and my siblings, even though we are all spread out.
If my parents wanted to move away too, I would support them - I don’t get to dictate where anyone else might choose to live just because I don’t like change. If I was that nostalgic about the area I grew up, I could just move there myself! And I’d visit them just as much wherever they lived - it’s them I want to see, not their house.

Of course leaving a home can be a wrench. But you’re doing this for a job, not because you couldn’t wait for your children to leave.

Hankunamatata · 04/05/2022 19:02

I'd do it. Much better now as kids potentially could move back home after uni and ir would be extra hard to move

Blossomtoes · 04/05/2022 19:06

As a pp said, you can have everything. Just do it, I bet your kids won’t take your feelings into account when they make major decisions about their lives.

Bearsan · 04/05/2022 19:16

Our dc made it clear that they wouldn't be moving back in after uni and they didn't. We downsized in the same area ish when youngest was in the second year. They chose city living (one just outside) because of jobs and social lives. We live more rural but only an hour away from them. They outgrown this area.

HaveringWavering · 04/05/2022 19:20

What does your DH think? How does this fit in with his job situation?
Did you seek out and apply for a job in that area or did someone approach you about it when you otherwise would not have considered a move? Will there be opportunities to develop your career in the same way but staying put?
Try to work out whether the job is really the right one for you, and perhaps the rest will fall into place. It’s also going g to be much easier to “sell” to the DC if you can say hand on heart that it is the right thing for your career.

I’m laughing at the PP who said that you should stay out in case your kids needed childcare for future DGC. How odd to think that you have any idea where in the world your future grandkids might live. I think my parents would have been massively disappointed if I’d gone off to university and then just come back to my home town to have kids!

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 04/05/2022 19:27

pastypirate · 04/05/2022 11:40

My parents did this. It really cut me off from school friends.

None of my school friends returned to the city we grew up in. This isn’t a valid reason for someone to stay. You and your school friends are all adults- either you all make the effort or you’ll drift apart.

no adult should put their lives and careers on hold for independent adult children in my opinion.

ittakes2 · 04/05/2022 19:28

Why not rent out your house and rent out a place in the near area and then decide?

Squeezedsquash · 04/05/2022 19:35

Go!

my parents moved - a big move, five hours drive- when I was in my first year out of uni and my sibling at the end of their first year. They’ve since moved twice more in the intervening two decades, so I’m used to it.

There is no family “home” but it has made it a lot easier for me to grow up independently and be sure the home I created was home.

Oblomov22 · 04/05/2022 19:42

Bereft? I'm surprised they feel that strongly. Why are they pleased for you, for this great offer, this new opportunity. Some dc this age are very entitled aren't they? Was talking to Dh last night about ds1 going off to uni, and how him and all his friends have no idea how good they have it.

kitkatkaytie · 04/05/2022 19:43

I wouldn't. But that's just me...I'm hugely sentimental!

ChoiceMummy · 04/05/2022 19:50

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/05/2022 18:17

@ChoiceMummy

”Visiting your home, will be just that, visiting you. It won't be their home, nor feel like it and likewise the area won't be their area with any connection to it.”

shoudlnt that be the case though with adult DC?

That may be how you wish it to be for your children, but we were brought up and still are at 50, to know its our home should we ever need to return to it etc. And I'd always want to my child to know it's their home and feel it's their home. Not just a place where they've provided a space for visitors.

Being secure as a child, doesn't stop because you're 18 plus. Security means really knowing that they can take risks and should it fall alar2tgey can return home to all that is familiar and safe. For most that place is home. The place they've grown up in. Not a random holiday home in a random place, regardless of whether they've visited the location in the past or not, as a tourist.

ChoiceMummy · 04/05/2022 19:52

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/05/2022 18:19

@SybilofCumae

but you can have everything!

You can take the job and move to this place you like and also have the lovely family times with your son/daughter comes to visit!

Win, win!

It’s not an either/or situation.

Show quote history

And possibly at the op's children's ages, there will be less pull to this new area beyond the parents living there. So less frequent visits. Whereas more likely more regular visits if friends are also in the area...

starlingdarling · 04/05/2022 19:56

Being secure as a child, doesn't stop because you're 18 plus. Security means really knowing that they can take risks and should it fall alar2tgey can return home to all that is familiar and safe. For most that place is home. The place they've grown up in. Not a random holiday home in a random place, regardless of whether they've visited the location in the past or not, as a tourist.

Yes, because it's all about a lifetime of being able to take risks at your parents expense 🙄