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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move away when the children are still at Uni?

226 replies

SybilofCumae · 04/05/2022 08:38

We've lived in the same house since my 3 children were born. It's a beautiful house that I love and my children have been happy here and have lots of friends locally. They are all now at Uni, but look forward to the holidays and coming home.

I love the house and the years we've had here, but it's not in an area I'm from, or an area I've ever particuarly liked, and I've never felt 100% settled. I have friends here who I would miss though.

I've been offered a job opportunity in an area of the country I've always loved since I was a child. I holidayed there as a child and we've been there with our own children. It's a place I feel very connected to. DH and I are very tempted by a potential new chapter in this new place, but have a sense of dread or guilt about 'dissolving' the family home, all the memories, & the significance of it to the children, and to myself if I'm honest.

Part of me would feel devastated to let all that go. Another part wants a change.
I'm wondering if this is menopausal reaction? Anyone else felt like this?

The kids are shocked we're even considering it, and I can tell feel bereft at the thought of not coming back home, or having links here anymore.

AIBU to move when the children don't yet have their own bases or homes?

YANBU to move for your own adventure.

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 04/05/2022 20:03

ChoiceMummy · 04/05/2022 19:50

That may be how you wish it to be for your children, but we were brought up and still are at 50, to know its our home should we ever need to return to it etc. And I'd always want to my child to know it's their home and feel it's their home. Not just a place where they've provided a space for visitors.

Being secure as a child, doesn't stop because you're 18 plus. Security means really knowing that they can take risks and should it fall alar2tgey can return home to all that is familiar and safe. For most that place is home. The place they've grown up in. Not a random holiday home in a random place, regardless of whether they've visited the location in the past or not, as a tourist.

Show quote history

@ChoiceMummy

so when does OP get to prioritise herself and her wants then if she still has to maintain this for her DC’s until they’re 50 years old and beyond.

you really do endorse the view that once you have kids you are forever on the back burner yourself, don’t you?

sorry op best get on the phone and let them know you won’t be taking the job then! And just stay in the house you’re in now forever. It’s all about your dc’s and what they want …. It’s the least you can do, they didn’t ask to be born after all!

Chewchewaboogiw · 04/05/2022 20:04

SybilofCumae

That is what happened with us actually .
If i had a crystal ball that said
' if you stay in the area , your dc will and you will all be near each other and possibly dgc' then we may have stayed as id love that.
I will never know if our ds wd have come homw after uni to.our old home city now or not. ( he lives in old uni town as i did and where we brougth dc up) .. dd about to graduate .. us planning adventures.. she may have come back too.. but we will never now know.. sometimes.. its just making a choice.. we were both in mid to late 50s and it felt now or never. I love were we live but if staying meant they wd live near us in the old place id stay for sure .. my bf is still there as are all her dc and now gc and its lovely.

Olsi109 · 04/05/2022 20:07

I would go for it - especially as there's a job opportunity for you. Your DC are at uni. They will soon move on and settle in to their own lives and that may be in another part of the country if that's where their careers take them. I expect they'd want you to support them. Then you would regret not doing it.

Now is your ands and DH time OP

failingtomatoes · 04/05/2022 20:31

Snoken · 04/05/2022 09:35

I am so grateful my parents stayed where I grew up. I love coming home and bumping into friends I went to school with, walk in the woods I walked in as a child, bring my own kids back so they know where I went to school, where I ice-skated, the lakes I went swimming in in the summer etc. It doesn't sound like you hate where you are, and it might be better to wait until your kids are a little more settled. It's quite possible that at least one of them comes back to the area where you live now and maybe have a family etc there. Would you still be happy to have moved away? Is there anyway you could afford a holiday home somewhere you would like to spend time? That way you get the best of both worlds in my opinion.

I know you probably didn't meant to. But that sounds incredibly selfish. You are allowed to move but you're glad they stayed so you can visit when you feel like to catch up with old times?

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/05/2022 20:36

@Snoken

I, I, I

Me, Me, Me

That is what your post reads like

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 04/05/2022 20:41

For heaven's sake, this is the whole of your life and about 10% (and diminishing) of your DCs'. Do what works for you, if they are so wedded to their friends where you live now they will work out how to stay in touch!

FWIW my DM did this when I was at Uni and it was fine.

ZenNudist · 04/05/2022 20:42

Move! Your dc are on to their next stage of life. You have to live your own life and the job offer and new area seems perfect time to move.

Once I went to uni I was out. I came home "just visiting" in holidays but mainly to see friends and lived at uni in my summer to earn money and live independently. I was onto my graduate job by September after I graduated and never went "hone" again.

Encourage your dc to have a job and home lined up for after uni. It will be the making of them.

Adults shouldn't be living at home until they are 25 anyway. It's all very well saving for a house but if the pricusis a prolonged adolescence its too steep IMO.

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/05/2022 20:46

Mollymoo67 · 04/05/2022 17:12

why didn’t you want to want to spread your wings and move further afield from
’home’ and explore?

Good grief. There can be any number of reasons why a person wants to stay close to home.

'Spreading one's wings' is a psychological process as much as a physical one. It can encompass all sorts of things and it doesn't have to involve uprooting.

@Mollymoo67

its just that many people outgrow their home town, it cannot offer them anything new/different

Original poster
SybilofCumae · 04/05/2022 21:14

MarJau26 · 04/05/2022 18:11

I think your children are so upset because you have given them such a secure and loving home. If they all grew up there and that's where all their memories are, then it's completely understandable. How lucky are they. I would say maybe give it a year until they have all left to see how everyone adjusts. But definitely do it. You can create new memories in a new home as the family expands( partners, children). Flowers

Thank you @MarJau26 this is a lovely way of putting it.

I think a lot of this is sentimentality and the differing responses probably reflect the degree of truck a poster has with sentimentality.

I'm obviously quite sentimental and love the posts where OPs love returning home to their parents and would love my DC to feel like that.

But I still want to go 😁

I think what I'm now thinking about is how we do it in a way that doesn't seem like a brutal 'Fuck You Kiddos, It's Over', but builds on forming a new hub they look forward to coming back to, albeit for different reasons now

OP posts:
Original poster
SybilofCumae · 04/05/2022 21:18

Btw the job is a sideways move to a similar organisation. I enjoy work, & need the money to pay for uni and all the bedrooms required 🤣, but it's not the deciding factor here.

DH works from home and then travels monthly which he can do from anywhere.

He's up for going, but understands if I don't want to. So in one way very supportive but in another placing the decision on me.

OP posts:
boonducks · 04/05/2022 21:28

Uni isn't the end of them needing a home with you.
DS2 just moved out. I worked out it was the 5th time we have had an empty nest😂.
Each of them came home for a year after uni before moving on with work.
DS1 bought a house not far away so I think he's settled. DS2 has moved back home several times including for 6 months just recently.
I would give it five years then go.

Quartz2208 · 04/05/2022 21:39

@Snoken I still get to do that when I visit my best friend. My kids have seen all of those places when we go to see her and love visiting her and get on really well with her children in fact it is stronger because we stay with her and not my parents.

My two love where we have settled as well - offers a lot of opportunities for them

@SybilofCumae also let them be upset and angry about it - I was for a bit - it was hard for me. I knew it was the right decision for my parents - and I am sure that they do for you. But I did need to come to terms with it and that did involve those emotions. Certainly highlight the positives and make it clear there will be a home for them.

Is it a place with jobs etc, close to city or rural as that does make a difference?

MmeMeursault · 04/05/2022 21:40

My folks moved when I was at Uni and even though it was within the same small town it was really unsettling to partially leave one home and yet be expected come back 'home' to another.

They also threw loads of my stuff out without telling me just before moving and had they involved me in this I'm sure it would have been far less distressing. I was undiagnosed autistic at the time and I was really shaken by it all.

QueenOfHiraeth · 04/05/2022 21:41

Coming from a slightly different angle here as I am 10 years ahead of you.
A couple of DCs friends had parents who moved while they were at uni or shortly after, while they were in shared, rented flats and, I have to be honest, I wouldn't have wanted to put mine through it.

One, whose parents moved while he was at university, described feeling rootless and struggled with the idea that he couldn't just pop "home" to catch up with friends and always had to rely on being invited to stay with someone which could influence how time was spent (for example they stay with friend A but also want to spend time with B who is not close with A or they go out drinking and A wants to go home early where they would like to carry the night on with others). It did distance them from some friends.

One family we know moved while one child was at uni in halls and one was working, living in shared accommodation. Both were upset at having to discard childhood stuff as the parents did not want to take everything to their new home and they had nowhere to store it themselves.

I can understand your desire to move ahead but don't think I could do it

Greatoutdoors · 04/05/2022 21:50

I’m a firm believer in giving your children roots and wings, so for me I suppose it depends how independent they are now.
i think once they are more or less left home then that’s your time to fly, but if they aren’t stable elsewhere they probably still need their roots. It’s a gradual fade and the key is to catch it at the right time - when they don’t feel shocked and bereft, because they are established on their own.
I’d give it another couple of years until they are there. It’s not so far away.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 04/05/2022 21:50

"its just that many people outgrow their home town, it cannot offer them anything new/different"

I didn't go to university in my home town, @LuckySantangelo35 . I'm from Newcastle, and I didn't even apply there - or to Durham, or Sunderland. I applied to Manchester, Lancaster, Leeds, York and Birmingham, because I wanted to be away from home, but not so far that i couldn't get home in a couple of hours.

Mum scuppered that plan by moving to Devon! It was genuinely hard not have anywhere to go for the holidays - it actually cost me quite a lot, as I had to rent short term accommodation over the summer - I could stay with friends for a few days, but not several weeks.

But obviously this isn't what the OP is planning, so a very different situation anyway.

Original poster
SybilofCumae · 04/05/2022 21:51

It's to another but smaller and more picturesque city.

Tbh one DC has made it clear they never intend to return to the home city after uni, one is applying for a job which would take her abroad for a few years, the other hasn't got plans yet.
Also I'm not sure I want them too, there's a big potential world out there.

Also writing that makes me realise: they're upset because they won't be able to pop back occasionally, not because they envision their life here again anytime.
Self absorbed buggers 😁
But I love the fact they feel like that ☺️

Confident to go out into the world, but knowing where home is.

OP posts:
Original poster
SybilofCumae · 04/05/2022 21:56

Greatoutdoors · 04/05/2022 21:50

I’m a firm believer in giving your children roots and wings, so for me I suppose it depends how independent they are now.
i think once they are more or less left home then that’s your time to fly, but if they aren’t stable elsewhere they probably still need their roots. It’s a gradual fade and the key is to catch it at the right time - when they don’t feel shocked and bereft, because they are established on their own.
I’d give it another couple of years until they are there. It’s not so far away.

'Roots and wings' what a great way of putting it @Greatoutdoors .

I think from their responses they do have this, but they want their roots to stay in place for the time being!
While they fly, and pop back.

OP posts:
VestaTilley · 04/05/2022 21:56

I would take the job and rent a flat in the new area- that way if you don’t like the job or miss your old home you can return to it.

Rent out your family home for a year to tenants and put precious things in storage or take them with you. See how the whole family feels at the end of 12 months. But I wouldn’t turn down a great job.

ExMachinaDeus · 04/05/2022 22:42

Do it! Children have to leave home at some point.

emmylousings · 04/05/2022 22:51

If your DCs want to stay in touch with that place and people there, they can. I left a place when I was 11, and still visit / have friends there. You're not bound, at all, but I can see why their pissed off now. They'll get over it.

StScholastica · 04/05/2022 22:52

Oh my word, we are in exactly this situation and it's been so helpful reading everyone's points of view.
We long to retire by the sea, however we have loads of friends and family here, lovely country walks and pubs on the doorstep, no mortgage. Nearby station that gets us to 3 major cities in an hour or London in 2. Life is ok.
The "kids" have many friends here and one is settling with his partner just 8 miles away. He often pops round in the week to take DH off for a game of snooker.
It's a lot to give up just to be by the sea.
We've decided to keep the house and buy a camper van.🙂

Chewchewaboogiw · 04/05/2022 23:53

In hindsight i would have stayed till they finishes uni for the roots people describe.
Dh pushed. Also i was influenced by the death of a close relative that never got to do many of the things he planned. And we just jumped.!

When they do come tho i do special things such as put their old teddies in the room, put treats out etc.
The sea side is really expensive so we do struggle with space

TomBradysLeftKneecap · 05/05/2022 00:55

@Sarahcoggles Why are they loafing around? All my kids were/are expected to get a job or internship during the summer. And internships can be anywhere so we can’t rely on them coming home in the summer anyway.

Marvellousmadness · 05/05/2022 01:06

I wouldnt do it

I would feel like i was robbing my kids of their childhood. And that i was abandoning them.

So no. I wouldn't. As i wouldnt want my kids to resent me when they are in their 20s