DS Bullied By Child with SEN

[ellie21]

My son who is at a mainstream Primary School is being bullied by another child who is undergoing assessment for ADD.
Initially this was low level bullying ( name calling etc) but has developed into threats of violence. In the last two weeks he has been physically assaulted three times by this child. The school have confirmed that this is one sided and is happening to other students too.
I have been into school a number of times to talk to staff and whereas they are sympathetic they say they have a duty of care to the child with SEN as he is struggling to cope at school.
AIBU to think that this is separate issue? I am absolutely furious my child is being hurt.

No dear you've found the poster with the ability to call into question your own frankly batshit and deeply offensive, nonsensical statements.
A parent with the ability to not only see things from the perspective of both children, but understand the crippling gravity of the system which ultimately fails all children in the sort of situations which generate a thread such as this. HTH

Not all parents are like this. There are definitely some, but you will get shit parents in all walks of life with all kinds of children.

The majority of SEN parents are just like any other parent and are supportive and open with school. But they have a whole heap of added pressure having a child(ren) with things like delayed learning and speech, delayed toilet training, sensory disorders, problems when over stimulated, meltdowns, social difficulties, eating problems, inability to concentrate the list is endless.

Sadly many people on this thread seem to think that parents of SEN children prone to violent behaviour are shit parents and don't care about anything or anyone else. That isn't true. But like any other parent they are putting their child's needs first and are often in an impossibly difficult position. A little bit of understanding goes a long way, you can fight for what is right for your own child without verbally battering parents who more than likely are already exhausted and are being told every way they turn that they or their child are doing something wrong.

Imagine having a child (with diagnosed SEN) prone to having violent outbursts in school. Imagine being told they don't meet the criteria for an more funding or a place in a special school. Imagine having to take them to mainstream every day knowing they need the funding to provide the supervision and support they need and it's been refused. Imagine other parents thinking they know best and saying they should be excluded or home schooled.
What do you do then. You can't afford not to work. You can't just drop everything to home school You have no way of moving them a special school because the local authority said no. School haven't got the money to pay for a 1-1 to cobble something together as best they can. Then an incident happens and it causes upset/harm for other children.

But you are a shit parent because the system is failing your child and you literally have nowhere to turn.

So what's the answer?

"Parent of a violent child by any chance?"

Goady Fucker by any chance?

@zigzog I have definitely seen a rise in violence in schools. It is definitely used as an excuse sometimes, which pushes the families back who do need it.
I would love nothing more than for the government to put millions into SEN. Its a poor and depressing state all round.
We need outdoor space, more adults, sensory rooms, animals, facilities to bake and cook, decent technology etc. For this we need millions. I understand very well that children learn and respond in different ways. Is there the money or funds to do this? No. Its dire.

Thank you for everyone who has replied. It has been eye opening and I have read every post. In all honesty I've veered from one side to the next. A mix of wanting to understand versus wanting to fight fight fight for my son.
On a positive note I have met with the Head. This has been followed up with a plan in writing. The school are going to do some more training for staff, amend the childs supervision and speak to governors. I felt listened to, and although I have worries that this is not over it is a first, and positive step.
Thank you also to everyone who has offered advice.

No I feel exactly the same , I would withdraw my child from school too if he was attacking kids. I would prioritise other kids safety over my kids education I'm afraid and to be honest I think any parent that doesn't do that needs to rethink . It's not acceptable for your child to abuse other kids . If they do you have a responsibility to stop it.

That's great news OP. It sounds like they are taking your concerns, and the rights and needs of both children (now) seriously, and actively working to keep both children safe. Well done! It's always worth giving the system at least a chance to do the right thing.

"No I feel exactly the same , I would withdraw my child from school too if he was attacking kids. I would prioritise other kids safety over my kids education I'm afraid and to be honest I think any parent that doesn't do that needs to rethink."

You would give up your job and lose your home?

I would quit my job and claim carers allowance to look after my child .

I'm sorry but I don't understand how anyone can justify allow a child to assault other kids.? Your child is your responsibility.

That's how I see my kids. If things start to go down hill and my son ends up violent, yes I absolutely will be dealing with it. I'm not going to keep sending him to school so he can harm others, what happens when he turns 11 and if the assault is serious.? The police will be called and where does that end up.

Carers allowance is a pittance and not a replacement for a wage.

Children don't need to be forced out of the education system they need to be supported and helped through it so they can hopefully go on to lead happy and fulfilled lives.

I don't think any child should be harmed in any way and when that happens it should be taken seriously and prevented from happening again, but the answer isn't to exclude children with SEN from getting an education.

"I would quit my job and claim carers allowance to look after my child ."

You would be wiser fighting to get your child's needs met with appropriate provision and proper support.

@Indoctro seems we're in the minority and having a moral compass is exclusionary...

A lot of people here are thinking in very simplistic terms. Unfortunately until you’ve lived it you don’t realise how little support there is.

For instance… ‘I’d pull my child out and live off carers allowance’. Carers allowance is around £270 a month. You can work up to but not over 12 hours a week while claiming it. If you work while claiming it whose going to care for your child while you work and there not in education? What childminder are you going to trust to look after your disabled child? What childminder is going to feel able to look after your child with additional needs? Are you using all of your measly 12 hour a week pay to pay the childcare?

That’s just one issue out of many. Let’s not begin to think about parental isolation. Believe me, the isolation is hard enough when your child is in school and you get some respite. I wouldn’t want to imagine how I’d cope if I had my much loved but challenging dc at home with me all day. I refuse to feel selfish for needing to prioritise my mental health on occasion.

A lot of support for children with SEN is accessed through the school as part of their ehcp’s. For instance ds has speech and language therapy in school and the teachers then take on board what SALT have recommended in order to help him progress. Other children may get occupational therapy, physio, etc. Its easy to say you can rearrange these to outside school hours/ premises but honestly if you’ve ever tried phoning the relevant departments you’d know getting through is a miracle in itself!

Pulling the child out of school just isn’t a solution that benefits the child. I’m not saying that other children should be left to be hurt but we shouldn’t be taking an out of sight, out of mind approach either.
Local authorities need to take faster and more effective action to place children in the best setting for their needs before problems have arisen. Unfortunately this isn’t cost effective and all children are suffering.

And what is your grown up child going to do when you eventually die and they’ve never left the house before or had any type of social interaction as that’s what you are saying you’d do if they are at risk of being violent towards anyone

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

The problem is that the Lea aren't doing what they should. So that leaves parents looking for other solutions. The answer isn't leaving children to be attacked at any cost. The cost is their lives. My daughter doesn't want to live anymore. She is 10. So what should I say to her? Sorry love but you have to keep putting up with it because we have to fight for more money for the kid that's breaking your arm?

You wouldn't though unless you happen to already be rich, have a high earning spouse or whatever- its hardly anything. The education system does have a responsibility actually as well as parents, but it's woefully underfunded and it's very challenging to access the most appropriate support and setting, therefore everyone loses out. Do you think it's pleasant for child and parent as well as for other children? I don't think it's for these parents actually to rethink- I think it's up to all of us to fight for better funding and better provision. Why don't you become an ally to these families instead of blame them, make judgements and minimise their struggles?

Home educate her then, you seem so keen for others to be pulled out of schools it must be a reasonable option hey :) also would suggest exploring what else is going on to be making her feel this way and as people keep saying to SEN parents- take some responsibility for your child and just sort it out, it's easy right?

@Shoebie I'm not sure what you are talking about. Nowhere have I said that children should be removed from school. Also I did remove my daughter and put her into another school. And just so we are clear, my daughter is sen.

Don't come for me. I've got fuck all to lose.

Exactly. Christ your poor daughter, that is just horrendous.

Cop the fuck on, her child is being battered in school by another child. Her child is suffering horrendously at the hands of another child albeit through no fault of their own. I cannot, for the life of me understand how parents KNOWINGLY send their children into school and KNOW they are terrorising and hurting other children and think that is ok. They KNOW their son or daughter has split a child open, given a black eye, thrown stuff and hurt others and sometimes in a really serious way and they stand by say..well suck it up! And THEN they think the child that is being hurt should be pulled from school????? Are you having a laugh?

@Morph22010 that's not what I'm saying at all. What happens when a violent child that has never faced any consequences for being violent kills someone as an adult? A judge wont let them off because SEN. For goodness sake, we're not saying SEN children shouldn't be in mainstream school, we're saying their right to an education doesn't trump other children's right to an education. If it's happening daily it's not working having that child in mainstream. Other children shouldn't have to move schools because they're not safe, that's madness.
Lots on here keep saying that their children's needs aren't being met in mainstream education, but don't seem to care that others aren't. There are instances on here of children having to move schools because they're relentlessly physically assaulted. Of suicidal children. Instead of being appalled there are a bunch of SEN parents saying that the worst affected are their children. It's staggering. I have never encountered people like this other than on mumsnet.
I am looking at this as a parent of 3 NT children 1 of which was attacked over and over by an SEN child, on 2 occasions needing hospital treatment. He's receiving therapy because it's left him so traumatised. He has no trust in adults to keep him safe and who can blame him. I'm also looking at this as a parent of 1 SEN child. I am actually embarrassed in case people think all SEN parents are as batshit as those on mumsnet. Having a child with SEN doesn't mean you don't have to parent or have social responsibilities and everyone else has to accommodate your child. It's mortifying.

Not sure what difference your daughter having SEN makes really, probably a good idea to get her and yourself some help.

Don't be an arsehole @Shoebie. You are just coming across like a dick.