Page 11 | DS Bullied By Child with SEN

ellie21 · 2022-05-03T20:11:10+00:00

My son who is at a mainstream Primary School is being bullied by another child who is undergoing assessment for ADD. Initially this was low level bullying ( name calling etc) but has developed into threats of violence. In the last two weeks he has been physically assaulted three times by this child. The school have confirmed that this is one sided and is happening to other students too. I have been into school a number of times to talk to staff and whereas they are sympathetic they say they have a duty of care to the child with SEN as he is struggling to cope at school. AIBU to think that this is separate issue? I am absolutely furious my child is being hurt.

emmakenny · 04/05/2022 13:50

Bookworm20 · 04/05/2022 13:43

OP I hope you get it sorted. One piece of advice, keep on at the school. don't let it drop.

My ds was also bullied by a child with sen. Started as name calling, escalated to full on assault. Including things like being pushed down and having his head stamped on, having his head smashed into a brick wall. The school were always 'dealing with it', but nothing ever seemed to be actually happening. The child would taunt my dc that he never got punished and would laugh at him about that. It would stop for a few days then start up again. They simply did not take it seriously, and their excuse was this child has 'issues'
I slowly watched my DS go from a happy, bright bubbly, easy going 8 year old to a quiet, subdued 11 year old with zero self confidence and depression who would get anxious to leave the house. I wish more than anything I'd of been more forceful from the get go. It wasn't until my ds said he wanted to die that I really realised the full extent of what he'd been enduring at school.

It made no sense that the school were not punishing this behaviour because sen or no sen, a child needs to know what is acceptable and what isn't. And they were not being given this message, just allowances and excuses.

Forward to secondary school and it continued. Except they were not half as placid with this kid as at primary. It was stamped out pretty damn quick. The kid in question went on to assault a young girl (because she looked at him weird) ended up expelled and is now in juevenille jail (whatever thats called officially) for further assault on an old lady.

So ask the primary school, how is their allowance of this childs behaviour acually helping him. To me, my ds primary just seemed to want to brush it all under the carpet until he was no longer their problem. Destroying my ds and other dc in the process.

I'm sorry for parents who have violent dc, sen or no sen, but when they are physically assaulting other dc they need to be removed and actually properly helped, because its not going to just vanish as soon as they hit teenage years.

My DS is now 14 and so anxious socially, he keeps his head down and avoids any situation he can. He is no longer that happy lad who was full of jokes and spirit and fun. If I could ever meet this other kids parent I would say 'did you know what your son was doing?' and 'why the fuck then did you allow him just carry on'. It kills me every day that I didn't realise just how bad it had got until it was too late.

Don't let them fob you off.

I really feel for you and your son.

I was in your sons position and it is incredibly hard. You've done everything you can. Until the parents and schools actually take safeguarding non sen children seriously, all you can do is protect your own child.

DemBonesDemBones · 04/05/2022 13:50

@Bookworm20 I'm so sorry that happened to your son. We are dealing with much the same. Please don't blame yourself.

Redandbluebunny · 04/05/2022 13:51

@Bookworm20 what a sad post, but I agree with every word. My son is full of anxiety too because of what happened to him at school. SEN is not an excuse for bullying. My child was hit on the head with a wooden brick, so badly it knocked him out. Didn't want to go to school for a long time after that, and to be honest it took me a while to want to send him back in. It's a sad situation all round.

blinkybilll · 04/05/2022 13:53

How am I being unkind?

I've not told anybody just to 'be kind' and I've acknowledged and agreed with the views of some parents of affected children during this thread.

I have a child who has been hurt by a child with SEN. I also have a child with SEN.

What I won't tolerate is people dismissing children with SEN, saying they are 'untouchable' 'over diagnosed' and 'validated'. It's a piss poor way to talk about vulnerable children. You can put your child first and fight for their rights, and still have some compassion and understanding for a child with a disability.

Morph22010 · 04/05/2022 13:53

DemBonesDemBones · 04/05/2022 13:42

@blinkybilll I actually think you're being unkind, refusing to acknowledge or care about the effect of violence on NT children. Your lack of awareness is quite shocking.

To turn your question around what do you suggest we do with the NT children sitting in A&E because they've been attacked? Tell them to 'just be kind'? Because I did that for the previous 15 attacks. That didn't keep him safe. Thankfully the school in our case finally acted after the parents of numerous children refused to back down (again) and serious measures were taken. And do you know what? After a serious consequence the child in question desisted. Hasn't attacked another child for months after doing so daily without repercussion for YEARS.
What do you sugggest though? Suck it up?

nt children should absolutely not suck it up, the op poster and others should be on to the school and go through the complaints procedure and upwards until it is sorted even if the sen child ends up being expelled a lot of the time this then brings them the support they need. Whst I don’t condone is the pressure and expectation on this thread that sen parents should give up work to home educate their kids

yogafairy · 04/05/2022 13:54

As I said earlier this happened to my dd last year I removed her pretty quickly as it became obvious that the school did not want to do anything about it. My dd now says that she wishes that she could press fast forward on life and just get to the end. I can't even begin to describe what that feels like, to hear your now 10 year old child tell you that they have had enough of living.

blinkybilll · 04/05/2022 13:55

Bookworm20 · 04/05/2022 13:43

OP I hope you get it sorted. One piece of advice, keep on at the school. don't let it drop.

My ds was also bullied by a child with sen. Started as name calling, escalated to full on assault. Including things like being pushed down and having his head stamped on, having his head smashed into a brick wall. The school were always 'dealing with it', but nothing ever seemed to be actually happening. The child would taunt my dc that he never got punished and would laugh at him about that. It would stop for a few days then start up again. They simply did not take it seriously, and their excuse was this child has 'issues'
I slowly watched my DS go from a happy, bright bubbly, easy going 8 year old to a quiet, subdued 11 year old with zero self confidence and depression who would get anxious to leave the house. I wish more than anything I'd of been more forceful from the get go. It wasn't until my ds said he wanted to die that I really realised the full extent of what he'd been enduring at school.

It made no sense that the school were not punishing this behaviour because sen or no sen, a child needs to know what is acceptable and what isn't. And they were not being given this message, just allowances and excuses.

Forward to secondary school and it continued. Except they were not half as placid with this kid as at primary. It was stamped out pretty damn quick. The kid in question went on to assault a young girl (because she looked at him weird) ended up expelled and is now in juevenille jail (whatever thats called officially) for further assault on an old lady.

So ask the primary school, how is their allowance of this childs behaviour acually helping him. To me, my ds primary just seemed to want to brush it all under the carpet until he was no longer their problem. Destroying my ds and other dc in the process.

I'm sorry for parents who have violent dc, sen or no sen, but when they are physically assaulting other dc they need to be removed and actually properly helped, because its not going to just vanish as soon as they hit teenage years.

My DS is now 14 and so anxious socially, he keeps his head down and avoids any situation he can. He is no longer that happy lad who was full of jokes and spirit and fun. If I could ever meet this other kids parent I would say 'did you know what your son was doing?' and 'why the fuck then did you allow him just carry on'. It kills me every day that I didn't realise just how bad it had got until it was too late.

Don't let them fob you off.

That is horrendous, so many failings here that just shouldn't have happened.

Morph22010 · 04/05/2022 13:55

XelaM · 04/05/2022 12:40

At home if no suitable school places are available.

what would you do with a violent child who didn't have SEN? If they were attacking other pupils and could not be controlled they would get expelled.

Show quote history

If a child is expelled the la have a duty to provide alternative education if you deregister your child to home educate they do not

DemBonesDemBones · 04/05/2022 13:58

@blinkybilll plenty of understanding-as I said I have another child with SEN. I would be HORRIFIED if he was violent to children at school. As his parent it's absolutely on me to protect him AND OTHER CHILDREN FROM HIM. Just as I often have to do with his siblings. I have never met SEN parents irl like those on mumsnet. Never. We mostly understand that our SEN child is no more important than every other child.

emmakenny · 04/05/2022 13:58

yogafairy · 04/05/2022 13:54

As I said earlier this happened to my dd last year I removed her pretty quickly as it became obvious that the school did not want to do anything about it. My dd now says that she wishes that she could press fast forward on life and just get to the end. I can't even begin to describe what that feels like, to hear your now 10 year old child tell you that they have had enough of living.

Please get some support for yourself and your dd. She shouldn't have to feel like this and you shouldn't have to watch her suffer like this because she's just collateral damage to a school system.

Again, please try to get some support for yourself op. You deserve someone to be there for you whilst you are being there for your dc.

yogafairy · 04/05/2022 14:02

@emmakenny she has support and is in a new school. The problem is that this is so far reaching. It's not 'just' the fact that a boy was hitting her daily. It's that he was 'allowed' to do it and the very people that are supposed to safeguard her (the teachers and ta's) didn't protect her. That's a whole big scary world if you are a child and don't feel like people will help you.

Onlyhuman123 · 04/05/2022 14:02

ellie21 · 03/05/2022 21:15

Thank you. When I speak to them they say they are dealing with things sensitively due to the needs of the other child. I feel the needs of my child are being taken less seriously.

This seriously pisses me off....the school have to deal with it 'sensitively' due to the needs of the other child?! sod that. Your child's needs are equally as important as any other child in that school; whether SEN or not! fuck me!

HMG107 · 04/05/2022 14:05

ADHDer here, also a previous SPLD specialist. You can have ADD and be a really pleasant child, you can also have ADD and be a toe wrag, be from an abusive home so act abusive etc.

I haven’t read the whole thread but I’d push this with the school, send email notes of all conversations and follow the complaint process including writing to the governors as fast as you can. It does sound like they’re using his potential labels as an excuse to avoid taking action

emmakenny · 04/05/2022 14:05

yogafairy · 04/05/2022 14:02

@emmakenny she has support and is in a new school. The problem is that this is so far reaching. It's not 'just' the fact that a boy was hitting her daily. It's that he was 'allowed' to do it and the very people that are supposed to safeguard her (the teachers and ta's) didn't protect her. That's a whole big scary world if you are a child and don't feel like people will help you.

I'm so glad she is getting support.
I understand what you mean when you say it wasn't just the assaults she experienced it's also that it was allowed to continue to the extent she's had to move school. There are no words.

How are you coping? Hearing your little 10yr old say those things must be devastating.

emmakenny · 04/05/2022 14:07

@Onlyhuman123

It's always the way though. The sen child has 'issues' and must be treated with sensitivity while the other children are rapidly realising that they aren't and won't be kept safe.

packedlunches · 04/05/2022 14:09

blinkybilll · 04/05/2022 13:53

How am I being unkind?

I've not told anybody just to 'be kind' and I've acknowledged and agreed with the views of some parents of affected children during this thread.

I have a child who has been hurt by a child with SEN. I also have a child with SEN.

What I won't tolerate is people dismissing children with SEN, saying they are 'untouchable' 'over diagnosed' and 'validated'. It's a piss poor way to talk about vulnerable children. You can put your child first and fight for their rights, and still have some compassion and understanding for a child with a disability.

👏🏻

yogafairy · 04/05/2022 14:11

@emmakenny it's actually very difficult knowing that my child's view of life has been changed so drastically. And that I can never convince her again that her world is safe. She is 10.

My advice to the op would be to just remove your child if possible. Keep your child safe and make sure that he knows that you will protect him. Because my daughters outcome is unthinkable and I removed her fairly quickly.

CoastalWave · 04/05/2022 14:12

ellie21 · 03/05/2022 21:25

This is mostly happening in PE lessons and at break. But this is also happening in lesson time. I would like the staff to deal with it then and there. I'd also like to make sure that there is supervision in place so that the violence does not escalate any further.

So this sounds like a school/staffing/lunchtime supervision issue. Not an SEN issue specifically.

I think you should go at it from that angle. By the sounds of it, said SEN child then is also unsupported at these times which could be causing him/her great distress - hence the lashing out

School are failing both children here.

emmakenny · 04/05/2022 14:14

yogafairy · 04/05/2022 14:11

@emmakenny it's actually very difficult knowing that my child's view of life has been changed so drastically. And that I can never convince her again that her world is safe. She is 10.

My advice to the op would be to just remove your child if possible. Keep your child safe and make sure that he knows that you will protect him. Because my daughters outcome is unthinkable and I removed her fairly quickly.

I'm truly very sorry to hear that. I wish you and your dd the best of luck going forward.
This should never have happened to her and I doubt excusing the child who did this do her hasn't helped them either. They'll just continue destroying other children.
Sen or not- they need to know right from wrong or the world will be a very hard place for them from inside of a prison.

ZoeCM · 04/05/2022 14:23

I don't think any adult would be expected to put up with being threatened and assaulted at work by a colleague with SEN.

hangrylady · 04/05/2022 14:26

"You clearly have no idea the struggles, sadness and difficulty a child with an invisible disability and additional needs goes through”

Sorry but ultimately that's not the problem of the child being bullied. If someone was hurting my child I couldn't give a single fuck if the bully has other issues going on, it's not my business.

drspouse · 04/05/2022 14:34

emmakenny · 04/05/2022 13:58

Please get some support for yourself and your dd. She shouldn't have to feel like this and you shouldn't have to watch her suffer like this because she's just collateral damage to a school system.

Again, please try to get some support for yourself op. You deserve someone to be there for you whilst you are being there for your dc.

Show quote history

I hate to disillusion you but last summer my DS was also saying this (he was even telling us exactly how to kill him). We rang CAMHS and were told he didn't meet criteria for referral.

He hated his school, in part because he has no friends, which is also in part because he finds many of the children at his school quite threatening.

He has a right to good mental health and to an education the same as any other child. I dream of being able to just send him to school and be confident he will get this. Parents who are not in my position have no clue what it is like and therefore, yes, I WILL advocate for my child over other people's children. He doesn't have anyone else who thinks he's more important than anyone else so he needs us.

blinkybilll · 04/05/2022 14:38

hangrylady · 04/05/2022 14:26

"You clearly have no idea the struggles, sadness and difficulty a child with an invisible disability and additional needs goes through”

Sorry but ultimately that's not the problem of the child being bullied. If someone was hurting my child I couldn't give a single fuck if the bully has other issues going on, it's not my business.

And as I have said numerous times, the fault lies with the lack of funding to support these children so that is your business as it consequently affects all children.

Punxsutawney · 04/05/2022 15:31

Children with additional needs can also be bullied. Ds was physically and verbally bullied all the way through secondary school, by NT children. They deliberately picked on his disabilities and made him feel ashamed to have special needs.
For no other reason than having a good laugh with their mates. They knew exactly what they were doing and there was very little consequences for making his school life pretty much unbearable.

Bookworm20 · 04/05/2022 15:55

What I won't tolerate is people dismissing children with SEN, saying they are 'untouchable' 'over diagnosed' and 'validated'.

Unfortunately though that is exactly the message the schools are sending when dc are violent towards others. I had absolute compassion for this kid. Until he was getting away with assaulting my son almost every day. And yes, he WAS getting away with it because the teachers didn't want to deal with him in case he 'kicked off'.

He was actually REWARDED one time. He got extra football time. Do you know why? Because he STOPPED punching my ds and ran off when he 'realised it was wrong' (translation - when a teacher arrived). Fucking REWARDED.
My child had to MISS football. Because the teacher thought it best he wasn't around this kid, for his own safety.
What should have happened is he should have had serious consequences for starting punching my son in the first place. And my son should under no circumstances have had his football taken away. The one thing he loved at school. I mean seriously, you can't make this shit up. I was fuming when my ds told me this. Initially I just couldn't believe he'd got that right, that he must be mistaken.
The amount of times my DS tried to run away and this kid caught him and carried on beating him. But because this one time he made the 'decision' to STOP, he was fucking rewarded for it. And my DS missed out and was humiliated.
How the hell do you explain that to a 10 year old child. It has affected his mental health beyond anything therapy can fix. He must have been terrifed at that school.
This was the last straw for me. I even recorded the meeting with the head teacher because I could not actually believe what I was being told. I still have the recording. Its there clear as day.