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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - I look after DSD while her dad hides.

145 replies

Pinksparkledust · 03/05/2022 16:05

Whenever my DSD comes ( 12 years old) I feel my husband leaves me to do the entertaining.

I think DSD is funny , creative and amusing but i get annoyed that DH seems to ‘hide’ . Sometimes I think it’s in my head but then he does things like this afternoon.

He came upstairs and told me DSd is here . I said cool - I’m just finishing up . He then came back again not even a few mins later . Then he came upstairs with the baby and said I’m going to cuddle her down . I believe this means he will lay in the bedroom with the baby while entertain DSD . By entertain, I mean engage with her as we should - how was school / life etc .

it seems DH always has things to do when DSD come . Eg

I’m going to see next door about the garden …
I’m going to collect fish and chips and he then takes forever
He is going to get ‘milk !’… and takes forever .
He will never let me cook as he hides in the kitchen .

Last week I went into the conservatory and he was laying on his phone. I said - DSD is here ! He said he needed some reflective time.

He has even gone to the pub a few times and left DSD with me. I engage fully , we talk and laugh, watch movies . I have a DS who adores DSD and vice Versa . I don’t mind this but I feel that DH is not actually doing his bit yet he wants to play worlds best dad when it suits him .

If i even hint at this he says he has no clue what I am on about .

It is majorly annoying me . I feel I spend the quality time with DSD . So right now I’m typing this in the bathroom ! He is laying in the bedroom with baby who is alseep. I feel so guilt as DSD is downstairs alone . She only comes 2/3 days a week . So I’ll go down and see her - I just wish DH could see his behaviour from
an outside perspective.

AIBU to be annoyed ?

OP posts:
TwuntyFriend · 03/05/2022 16:08

You need to start playing his game so he realises. You need to go out and get some milk (or chocolate), or visit a friend, or do anything that means he HAS to engage with his DD!

BreadAndWater · 03/05/2022 16:09

You need a serious conversation with him
He has issues

Dont worry, OP, She wont keep coming for long, she will soon realise that her dad doesnt want to spend time with her

Very sad

Ihatethenewlook · 03/05/2022 16:10

Take the baby and go out op. What a piece of shit father

AnyFucker · 03/05/2022 16:12

He sounds pathetic

BettyForgety · 03/05/2022 16:14

You’ve got a long road ahead, he’s going to be the same with your DC.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/05/2022 16:14

Once she's gone home and baby is asleep I'd be asking him directly

"why don't you want to spend any time with DSD? Its blatantly obvious that whenever she's here, you don't want to spend any time with her. Baby and I love spending time with her but I'm losing any respect I have for you as her father. So what's going on?"

If you split up OP and your DS goes to visit, this will be him with some other woman. Ignoring your kid cos he cba. Stop hinting. Pull him up it before the poor kid clocks her Dad dislikes her and she stops coming.

KitBumbleB · 03/05/2022 16:14

TwuntyFriend · 03/05/2022 16:08

You need to start playing his game so he realises. You need to go out and get some milk (or chocolate), or visit a friend, or do anything that means he HAS to engage with his DD!

I agree, but he probably won't engage with her. He will hide upstairs and DSD will watch TV or whatever until the OP gets back

powershowerforanhour · 03/05/2022 16:14

What's he like with the baby when DSD isn't there? Properly engaged or "just popping out do do something that sounds useful but will spin out the maximum amount of time"?

What's he like with your DS?

SleepingStandingUp · 03/05/2022 16:15

TwuntyFriend · 03/05/2022 16:08

You need to start playing his game so he realises. You need to go out and get some milk (or chocolate), or visit a friend, or do anything that means he HAS to engage with his DD!

He cwont tho, he'll just leave her alone like he is right now. Not like she's a baby who HAS to be spoken to. She's old enough for him to ignore until she goes away
Poor kid

Carrotmum · 03/05/2022 16:17

The next few times she is due to come over, to have contact with her dad, take the baby and go out. It’s ridiculous he has to be forced to spend time with her but maybe a kick start is what they need to get their relationship back on track. It would be different if he had to work for financial reasons and you’d agreed to spend the time with her but going out drinking instead is really being an arse. Also does he do a fair share with the baby normally or is it just when he wants to use spending time with the baby as a way to avoid spending time with his oldest daughter?

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 03/05/2022 16:17

My god what a loser. What's he like with the baby? How shit for his daughter to see and feel how he is towards her.

She is at a very vulnerable age at the moment and this could have a massive affect on her self-esteem.

Tell the lazy twat he needs to step up his game.

Pixiedust1234 · 03/05/2022 16:18

Don't hint, dont ask. Tell him.

If he goes to the shop/chippy tell him to take dsd too. If she doesn't want to go then you go. He stays home with dsd and baby.

He stays with sleeping baby, kick him out the room. Tell him to stop being a selfish dad.

When alone have a serious conversation. Tell him if he doesn't step up as a parent then dsd shouldn't be coming round anymore. If he's happy for her not to come then there's your answer.

Acheyknees · 03/05/2022 16:18

Yep, agree with PP, if he suddenly remembers you need 'milk', you say I'll go, you'll want to spend time with your daughter.
Just keep insisting that you'll cook, get the baby to sleep, go to shops, go round the neighbours etc as he will want to spend time with his daughter won't he?

ClaudiusTheGod · 03/05/2022 16:19

He said he needed some reflective time.

Jeez the selfishness of so many men never fails to amaze me.

Go out. Leave him to it. What are you, his mother? Is your function to see that he behaves correctly?

Onlyforcake · 03/05/2022 16:20

I think I know why he's not with the mother of his eldest.

zingally · 03/05/2022 16:20

She's 12. She'll very soon be realising what you've realised (if she hasn't already), that her dad doesn't want to spend time with her. She'll become a very reluctant, infrequent visitor if he keeps that up for much longer.

Have you tried talking to him about this? Say how it looks from the outside, and if YOU'VE noticed, SHE'LL notice.

devildeepbluesea · 03/05/2022 16:22

If I were you OP I’d be seriously concerned that I’d had kids with this man.

Good on you for doing your best for DSD but your husband is a monumental prick.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/05/2022 16:28

I don't understand.

'Laying' with the baby?

What is this?

He will never let me cook as he hides in the kitchen

What does this even mean?

Do you need help?

Dydhtst · 03/05/2022 16:30

He needed some reflective time 😂 what he needs to reflect on is being a shit dad and partner.

CheeseBoard2022 · 03/05/2022 16:36

Just tell him straight. "Why don't you want to spend time with DSD is there something wrong with you?"

Bananarama21 · 03/05/2022 16:39

Some men wrongly associate their children with their ex and disconnect especially when they have a new family, does she look like her dm?

You sound lovely op and recognise there's a issue once did gone please speak to him this must be upsetting for his dd who won't be stupid what her df is doing.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/05/2022 16:39

Tbh I suspect if you didn't have the baby she'd have stopped coming over.

Don't leave him in the house to ignore his child. Make him take her out so he HAS to spend time with her.

KettrickenSmiled · 03/05/2022 16:42

Last week I went into the conservatory and he was laying on his phone. I said - DSD is here ! He said he needed some reflective time.
WTF? He sounds like a right self-absorbed twat.

If i even hint at this he says he has no clue what I am on about .
Then stop hinting, & tell him straight up that his behaviour is out of order.

He will be shocked, defensive, & then get into some lovely DARVO'ing about how you are just getting at him because you don't love his DD enough, & it's all your fault for being a cold heartless bitch. He'll then strop about doing a bit of Performance Parenting, while getting in a few pass-agg snipes at you, making sure you never, ever, raise this topic again, & get back in place as unpaid nanny.

Guaranteed.
When he does - you'll know for sure what he is, & what game he's playing, won't you?

Luculentus · 03/05/2022 16:43

You need to go in there now, whilst he's doing fuck all while the baby sleeps, remind him of when he said he had no clue what you were on about in relation to his failure to engage with his daughter, and say that THIS is what you were on about. And do it every single time he finds a stupid excuse not to be with her. Tell him from now on you are going to cook when she comes so he can spend time with her, you won't be needing fish and chips, you won't be needing milk or whatever other shopping he's using as an excuse to get out of the house, he can leave seeing the neighbours till another day. And he's got all night for bloody "reflective time". And if he doesn't want to do it, he should be honest with his daughter and stop getting her hopes up that she actually have a relationship with her father.

Also point out that, the less he engages with his daughter, the more you are rethinking whether you actually want him as a parent for his children with you.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 03/05/2022 16:43

What an utter waste of space he is. Was he like this before you had your baby?