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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - I look after DSD while her dad hides.

145 replies

Pinksparkledust · 03/05/2022 16:05

Whenever my DSD comes ( 12 years old) I feel my husband leaves me to do the entertaining.

I think DSD is funny , creative and amusing but i get annoyed that DH seems to ‘hide’ . Sometimes I think it’s in my head but then he does things like this afternoon.

He came upstairs and told me DSd is here . I said cool - I’m just finishing up . He then came back again not even a few mins later . Then he came upstairs with the baby and said I’m going to cuddle her down . I believe this means he will lay in the bedroom with the baby while entertain DSD . By entertain, I mean engage with her as we should - how was school / life etc .

it seems DH always has things to do when DSD come . Eg

I’m going to see next door about the garden …
I’m going to collect fish and chips and he then takes forever
He is going to get ‘milk !’… and takes forever .
He will never let me cook as he hides in the kitchen .

Last week I went into the conservatory and he was laying on his phone. I said - DSD is here ! He said he needed some reflective time.

He has even gone to the pub a few times and left DSD with me. I engage fully , we talk and laugh, watch movies . I have a DS who adores DSD and vice Versa . I don’t mind this but I feel that DH is not actually doing his bit yet he wants to play worlds best dad when it suits him .

If i even hint at this he says he has no clue what I am on about .

It is majorly annoying me . I feel I spend the quality time with DSD . So right now I’m typing this in the bathroom ! He is laying in the bedroom with baby who is alseep. I feel so guilt as DSD is downstairs alone . She only comes 2/3 days a week . So I’ll go down and see her - I just wish DH could see his behaviour from
an outside perspective.

AIBU to be annoyed ?

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 03/05/2022 16:43

I'd be going out before she arrives and telling him he must think I'm as thick as pigshit if he thinks I can't tell that he's avoiding doing anything for or with his daughter and that he needs to be a bloody father!

1000yellowdaisies · 03/05/2022 16:45

Never mind 'hinting' tell him out right it is unacceptable!
His poor DD may have picked up on it.
You need to start being out with baby when she comes around... dont give him any excuses at all.
Its pure bone idleness from him...
YANBU

Sushi7 · 03/05/2022 16:45

@Pinksparkledust was he like this pre-baby? If so, why would you have dc with a man who doesn’t care about his existing dc?

hellcatspanglelalala · 03/05/2022 16:46

YANBU, but you need to do more than hint! Tell him straight that he is not taking his dad duties seriously and it's not up to you to fill in for him.

KettrickenSmiled · 03/05/2022 16:47

It is majorly annoying me . I feel I spend the quality time with DSD . So right now I’m typing this in the bathroom ! He is laying in the bedroom with baby who is alseep. I feel so guilt as DSD is downstairs alone . She only comes 2/3 days a week . So I’ll go down and see her - I just wish DH could see his behaviour from
an outside perspective.

This is what puzzles me.
You are furious, & sad for DSD. But you are just passively allowing it to happen!

Instead of lurking in the bathroom, go to the bedroom, scoop up your baby & ask H why his daughter is alone downstairs.
If he pretends not to understand you - tell him to stop fucking about hiding from his child for a change, & get downstairs & give her his undivided attention.

mum61 · 03/05/2022 16:48

@Pinksparkledust Thing is if you have noticed your DSD will have noticed too and it will be confusing and hurtful to her.
2 Options go out when DSD comes and force the interaction.Or have it out with him and dont let him gaslight his way out of it.

Soubriquet · 03/05/2022 16:52

Don’t hint. Tell him!

fruitbrewhaha · 03/05/2022 16:53

WTF? Why are you only hinting? I'd have told him straight up in no uncertain terms how fucking awful he is being. Tell him to stop ignoring her and that he has to make plans to do things with her.

WisherWood · 03/05/2022 16:56

Whatever contraception you're using, make sure it's really, really good.

Although personally I'd be so turned off by such a bone idle piss poor excuse for a man that I wouldn't really be needing any at all.

ScrambledSmegs · 03/05/2022 16:58

She'll soon notice, if she hasn't already. Poor girl.

Testina · 03/05/2022 17:02

Can’t believe people talking about going out for milk yourself and taking ages to teach him a lesson

No. Don’t fuck around over this.

Tell him, outright, he’s taking the fucking piss and to parent her.

FlowerArranger · 03/05/2022 17:02

How long has this been going on?
Presumably since before you became pregnant with your child...
Why are you merely 'hinting', instead of unequivocally reminding him of his responsibilities towards his daughter?
How is he with your child?
I'd fear history will repeat itself.

LorW · 03/05/2022 17:03

hes obviously a shit dad who can’t relate to his 12yo daughter so finds reasons not to spend time with her.

I would organise activities for them to do together, just them so then he has to engage with her.

Testina · 03/05/2022 17:05

Why should OP organise activities for them?
Nope, just tell him to go parent.

BlueOverYellow · 03/05/2022 17:06

Why are you not pulling him up?

next time she's due to come round, pack up the baby and take the baby and yourself out for at least half her day with you.

If he complains, tell him you'll be doing that for all her visits if he doesn't snap out of his disappearing mode when you're around. Don't entertain any arguments from him. Tell him she's a bright 12 year old who will soon realize that her own dad hides when she comes over.

Original poster
Pinksparkledust · 03/05/2022 17:08

DH does all the washing and hoovering and cooks a lot . He will go and get all the shopping . But he isn’t exactly hands on with the baby !

He is 49. I think he went to work all day . His ex was a SAHM . She did all the stuff with the kids . He would come in have dinner play with kids for an hour and then that was it ! So I think now he assumes I’ll do everything with DSD.

I wasn’t naive to think he would be dad of the year but I he makes me very happy . I just want him to be more involved with DSD. They do talk and cuddle and laugh but he does avoid his duties .

both my parents remarried and I belive my step parents were poor . I have a lot of issues from them . I love my DSD and want her to feel happy and loved so I don’t want to start avoiding her. .

OP posts:
BowerOfBramble · 03/05/2022 17:10

Dydhtst · 03/05/2022 16:30

He needed some reflective time 😂 what he needs to reflect on is being a shit dad and partner.

yeah.

OP - are you just starting to realise he's not that good a guy? If so, you have my sympathy.

Poor DSD.

I think you need to have a row with him over this. Leaving your own child alone to spend time lying about on your phone when you don't see much of them is just weird. Do you think he doesn't know how to talk to her?

Testina · 03/05/2022 17:10

You don’t have to start avoiding her. But you do need to tell him you’re not default parent. Doesn’t even sound like he plays with her for an hour, now - and that’s only a couple of times a week.

PawPatrolPosse · 03/05/2022 17:10

He’s a shit dad, and you’re a great stepmum! Keep doing what your doing and treating her the way you do and she will wise up to him soon. You’re a good person.

(from someone who grew up with an evil toxic stepmum)

Thethreecs · 03/05/2022 17:12

Poor child. She'll have picked up on this, kids are not stupid. How sad that he can't be bothered to spend time with her. Why don't you say it outright to him? That behaviour would piss me off, is he going to be like that with your baby?

DelphiniumBlue · 03/05/2022 17:13

So if he's going for fish and chips, or milk, why isn't he taking DSD with him?
Sounds like there are major issues, it really does sound like he doesn't want to spend time with his daughter. Like he's actively avoiding her.
What does he say when you ask him directly what the problem is?

KettrickenSmiled · 03/05/2022 17:14

So I think now he assumes I’ll do everything with DSD.
& you are allowing him to be correct in that assumption.

I love my DSD and want her to feel happy and loved so I don’t want to start avoiding her.
You don't have to. Ignore the posts suggesting you play pass-agg tit-for-tat games over who gets the milk FFS.

But you don't have to take on your H's guilt-by-proxy (although I can assure you he feels no guilt, just entitlement to have the his responsibilities attended to by women) & become a substitute parent to DSD.
Just use your words, tell H exactly what you have said here, & ensure he steps up as a proper dad to his DD.

GreatCuppa · 03/05/2022 17:15

Do you think she doesn’t notice?

RampantIvy · 03/05/2022 17:17

But he isn’t exactly hands on with the baby

Given the amount of time he spends with his daughter did you expect him to be?
You sound lovely, but he is a pathetic excuse for a father.

BadNomad · 03/05/2022 17:18

At least you can see what to expect from him in the future with your joint child. Very little.