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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - I look after DSD while her dad hides.

145 replies

Pinksparkledust · 03/05/2022 16:05

Whenever my DSD comes ( 12 years old) I feel my husband leaves me to do the entertaining.

I think DSD is funny , creative and amusing but i get annoyed that DH seems to ‘hide’ . Sometimes I think it’s in my head but then he does things like this afternoon.

He came upstairs and told me DSd is here . I said cool - I’m just finishing up . He then came back again not even a few mins later . Then he came upstairs with the baby and said I’m going to cuddle her down . I believe this means he will lay in the bedroom with the baby while entertain DSD . By entertain, I mean engage with her as we should - how was school / life etc .

it seems DH always has things to do when DSD come . Eg

I’m going to see next door about the garden …
I’m going to collect fish and chips and he then takes forever
He is going to get ‘milk !’… and takes forever .
He will never let me cook as he hides in the kitchen .

Last week I went into the conservatory and he was laying on his phone. I said - DSD is here ! He said he needed some reflective time.

He has even gone to the pub a few times and left DSD with me. I engage fully , we talk and laugh, watch movies . I have a DS who adores DSD and vice Versa . I don’t mind this but I feel that DH is not actually doing his bit yet he wants to play worlds best dad when it suits him .

If i even hint at this he says he has no clue what I am on about .

It is majorly annoying me . I feel I spend the quality time with DSD . So right now I’m typing this in the bathroom ! He is laying in the bedroom with baby who is alseep. I feel so guilt as DSD is downstairs alone . She only comes 2/3 days a week . So I’ll go down and see her - I just wish DH could see his behaviour from
an outside perspective.

AIBU to be annoyed ?

OP posts:
ClaudiusTheGod · 03/05/2022 20:25

He is 49. I think he went to work all day

Why did you write this in the past tense? Doesn’t he work any more?

WindyKnickers · 03/05/2022 20:44

My ex was exactly like this. Always finding a legitimate reason to never deal with the kids or spend any time with them. It drove me mad. He's better now we've separated but still makes up reasons why he has to pick them up late or drop them off early. Its just pure laziness.

Original poster
Pinksparkledust · 03/05/2022 20:45

DH pays full maintenance ( I know as we have joint account )
DsD comes as I make a huge fuss of her and her dad when he is around does the same . I know at home it can be hard for her . She always wants to come .She used to come every Tuesday but I have my dance class that night so she swapped to coming every Wednesday so I would be here . She also comes every Friday and most Saturday nights . If not I belive she would be in her room at home on her phone .

All of the replies I have made me realise I do need to be firmer with DH.

I think DH has allowed me to take over and sometimes I feel I have become one of DSD main sources of support. I do a lot of homework with her , talk to her about school issues , take her for days out with my DS and the baby .

I had a very unhappy childhood and I hate to think of any child not fully loved . So I try and make up the love . But I can’t facilitate DH to be a lazy so and so and not pull his weight .

OP posts:
latetothefisting · 03/05/2022 20:46

I think you need to break the habit of assuming you will be the default parent - to a child that isn't even yours - so as bad as you feel you need to start making sure you're out for the next few times DSD is over. Not just popping out for milk but out the whole evening/day, whether that's leaving both kids with him and going to see a friend/go to the gym and have a coffee, or taking the baby and going to your parents.

Original poster
Pinksparkledust · 03/05/2022 20:49

@ClaudiusTheGod
Hi,
i was writing in the past as I was referring to when DH was with His ex and living in the family home. He was working in London so gone from 7am - 7pm. Came home had dinner and maybe saw kids for an hour. His ex was
SAHM and I imagine she did all the child related and house stuff.

DH now works from home . I work but am on maternity.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 03/05/2022 20:54

OP,

You sound very kind but your husband is a shit father.

Think long and hard about having more children with him.

I feel sorry for his daughter.

She will know well he is a very poor father.

Stop tolerating it.

Original poster
Pinksparkledust · 03/05/2022 20:56

@cuparfull

Is it guilt, or does he just not know what to say to her? When did he separate from DSD's mother as that might have a bearing on his inability to interact?
Tho you do say the ex, SAHM, did all the early childcare so he likely hasn't been pushed to try.

My OH, separated from his ex when DSD was 4yrs old, would take her to his parents for the w/end rather than spend 1 to 1 time alone.

i think he probably just isn’t used to spending so much time with his children . I’m not sure he knows what to say and thinks that I am more in touch with her . I don’t think he has ever been pushed to try as his ex was the SAHM. I’m not saying this is acceptable but I do think there are a few factors at play.

i think when DH left the family home DSD was angry with DH. I then met DH a few years later and through me they built things up . But deep down I think DH knows DsD has some anger at him for leaving the family home.
DH gets frustrated as it was an amicable split.

Im not making excuses but I think maybe in DH’s head he is abit unsure of what to do / say .

i actively encourage him to take DSD out for one on one time as this is so important but I do feel DSD always insists I come which DH jumps at .

OP posts:
DomesticatedZombie · 03/05/2022 21:04

OP, thanks for looking out for this wee girl. I completely see your point of view, and I agree your DH needs to pull his weight, but it's good of you to care so much about her.

theremustonlybeone · 03/05/2022 21:05

Well its no surprise she wants you there as he likely goes through the motions . but likely doesnt know her well enough to engage in a meaningful way/. very sad indeed

DysmalRadius · 03/05/2022 21:21

Is there an activity that they could do together that would appeal to both and give them something to focus on that isn't just them making conversion? Maybe they could pick something together that would not be appropriate for the younger ones so would need to be one on one. Like an escape room or 12 rated film?

MzHz · 03/05/2022 22:41

I get that, even with adult SD. They don’t know what to talk to him about so drag me in, and he drags me in because he feels better and more confident in general when I’m there

but I don’t want to be there all time! It’s his relationship and he’s got to make it work.

im deliberately NOT fulfilling any kind of role in their family. No Christmas duties, no WhatsApp groups (perish the thought) I’m me, have my own stuff and that’s it.

push back @Pinksparkledust gently encourage and insist HE puts the work in to build a NEW relationship with his dd going forward

MzHz · 03/05/2022 22:43

DysmalRadius · 03/05/2022 21:21

Is there an activity that they could do together that would appeal to both and give them something to focus on that isn't just them making conversion? Maybe they could pick something together that would not be appropriate for the younger ones so would need to be one on one. Like an escape room or 12 rated film?

And here comes the wife work of finding something to do with his kid… no! Let him do it. Sure give suggestions, stick them on a board and tell him to book it, but for 2.

Feckingfeck · 04/05/2022 00:09

Pinksparkledust · 03/05/2022 20:45

DH pays full maintenance ( I know as we have joint account )
DsD comes as I make a huge fuss of her and her dad when he is around does the same . I know at home it can be hard for her . She always wants to come .She used to come every Tuesday but I have my dance class that night so she swapped to coming every Wednesday so I would be here . She also comes every Friday and most Saturday nights . If not I belive she would be in her room at home on her phone .

All of the replies I have made me realise I do need to be firmer with DH.

I think DH has allowed me to take over and sometimes I feel I have become one of DSD main sources of support. I do a lot of homework with her , talk to her about school issues , take her for days out with my DS and the baby .

I had a very unhappy childhood and I hate to think of any child not fully loved . So I try and make up the love . But I can’t facilitate DH to be a lazy so and so and not pull his weight .

Maybe he is happy to see you be like a mum to her if her own mother is distant?

Perhaps its because she is a girl too...

You sound lovely, she sounds happy with you and like you give her balance. I wouldn't want to rock the boat too much if you are happy it would be awful if DSD was to clock on to any of this.

Its also super sweet she wanted to change her day to be there when you are.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/05/2022 10:44

Maybe he is happy to see you be like a mum to her if her own mother is distant?

Perhaps its because she is a girl too...

You sound lovely, she sounds happy with you and like you give her balance. I wouldn't want to rock the boat too much if you are happy it would be awful if DSD was to clock on to any of this.

Its also super sweet she wanted to change her day to be there when you are.

That's it OP - don't rock the boat, just carry on doing your man's job for him being super sweet, & you are sure to be able to fool a bright 12 year old into imagining her dad gives a fuck. After all, your man has a Y chromosome, so cannot possibly be expected to interact with a - gasp! - girl.

Waterfallgirl · 04/05/2022 11:21

Pinksparkledust · 03/05/2022 20:45

DH pays full maintenance ( I know as we have joint account )
DsD comes as I make a huge fuss of her and her dad when he is around does the same . I know at home it can be hard for her . She always wants to come .She used to come every Tuesday but I have my dance class that night so she swapped to coming every Wednesday so I would be here . She also comes every Friday and most Saturday nights . If not I belive she would be in her room at home on her phone .

All of the replies I have made me realise I do need to be firmer with DH.

I think DH has allowed me to take over and sometimes I feel I have become one of DSD main sources of support. I do a lot of homework with her , talk to her about school issues , take her for days out with my DS and the baby .

I had a very unhappy childhood and I hate to think of any child not fully loved . So I try and make up the love . But I can’t facilitate DH to be a lazy so and so and not pull his weight .

I think you are being a wonderful step mum and I really respect you for that - every child needs to feel the love from the adults around them. I’m glad you do what you do.
you can keep doing it too - as it sounds like she loves you just as much!

BUT he is her dad and needs to step up too.

AnnieSnap · 04/05/2022 17:59

I don’t think you should be hinting. I think you should pick a quiet time, with no distractions and say “we need to talk” and have a proper discussion about it. The suggestions if you ‘playing him at his own game’, just leave your step-daughter in the middle of the game and it really wouldn’t be fair on her. Maybe your husband feels uncomfortable in parenting at a girl at her age. My ex-husband was a great father, but he had no clue how to deal with a teenage girl and backed away. This sort of discomfort can happen at different stages for some parents. He may not want to talk it through, but he clearly needs to do so.

LiveLoveLifeForever · 04/05/2022 18:19

OMG this was so my husband too, the only time he did anything was when his son came to visit a couple of times a month!! Never saw him and I had to do all the entertaining.

Zilla1 · 04/05/2022 18:49

I respect you doing what you have control of and hope you continue to have a great relationship with your DSD. Am surprised he uses your DS as a prop as often men who don't comfortably engage with children tend to be more scared of babies. No suggestions if he is denying your assertion but it will ultimately be his loss and you might need to be alert that he stays engaged with your DS but good luck.

Mirw · 04/05/2022 19:38

Be warned, he will be like this with your child. And when your children meet, they will swap notes on how Dad behaved...

LadyWhistldown · 04/05/2022 20:12

Lazy child dodging shyster cunt

CloudPine · 04/05/2022 20:12

Women seem to put up with so much shit from men. Appalling - he uses you as a babysitter. Leave him.

LouBan · 04/05/2022 20:29

You could try playing his game and 'hide' when DSD is due to visit. I think he needs to realise the situation though or she will stop coming altogether. My friend stopped visiting her dad once she was old enough to decide because every time she went to visit he would be drinking beer, watching rugby and made no effort to talk to her or do anything with her. Very sad. It sounds like you are close to DSD and don't want the same for her.

perfectstorm · 04/05/2022 20:37

I just wanted to say how lovely you are, OP. Thank you for putting this little girl's feelings and needs so very high up your own list of priorities, when there is no duty whatsoever for you to do that. Thank God someone is, when her father is failing her this badly.

And no, you aren't being remotely unreasonable.

exaltedwombat · 04/05/2022 21:04

No need to make this about you. DSD keeps coming, so she can't find things TOO uncomfortable!

Focus on three words from your original post. 'I don’t mind this'. Good. No need to try to manoeuvre into your idea of an ideal relationship between . Enjoy her company. There's every chance she'll be a 'stroppy teen' soon enough!

The rest of you - stop poking the fire!

Booboobagins · 04/05/2022 21:10

Does he feel guilty? We tend to hide when we're feeling negatively. I'd ask him outright if he hides because he feels guilty and can't face her.

And you think she doesn't notice- she does poor kid. If ever there is a time a child feels they are responsible for family break ups, its when this type of thing happens.

Your DP needs to grow a pair and face his child.

She sounds like a real joy too.

Good luck x