AIBU - I look after DSD while her dad hides.

[Pinksparkledust]

Whenever my DSD comes ( 12 years old) I feel my husband leaves me to do the entertaining.

I think DSD is funny , creative and amusing but i get annoyed that DH seems to ‘hide’ . Sometimes I think it’s in my head but then he does things like this afternoon.

He came upstairs and told me DSd is here . I said cool - I’m just finishing up . He then came back again not even a few mins later . Then he came upstairs with the baby and said I’m going to cuddle her down . I believe this means he will lay in the bedroom with the baby while entertain DSD . By entertain, I mean engage with her as we should - how was school / life etc .

it seems DH always has things to do when DSD come . Eg

I’m going to see next door about the garden …
I’m going to collect fish and chips and he then takes forever
He is going to get ‘milk !’… and takes forever .
He will never let me cook as he hides in the kitchen .

Last week I went into the conservatory and he was laying on his phone. I said - DSD is here ! He said he needed some reflective time.

He has even gone to the pub a few times and left DSD with me. I engage fully , we talk and laugh, watch movies . I have a DS who adores DSD and vice Versa . I don’t mind this but I feel that DH is not actually doing his bit yet he wants to play worlds best dad when it suits him .

If i even hint at this he says he has no clue what I am on about .

It is majorly annoying me . I feel I spend the quality time with DSD . So right now I’m typing this in the bathroom ! He is laying in the bedroom with baby who is alseep. I feel so guilt as DSD is downstairs alone . She only comes 2/3 days a week . So I’ll go down and see her - I just wish DH could see his behaviour from
an outside perspective.

AIBU to be annoyed ?

This. She absolutely will be, but she might struggle to articulate it if she still gives her lots of cuddles. Instead it will follow her around for the rest of her life.

When she does finally say something, please don't play it down in the hope of making her feel better. She needs to feel heard and understood - and backed up.

I think you need to ask yourself if you'll still be "very happy" in a few years when you're absolutely worn down from doing everything while he moons about reflecting. Sounds like a recipe for resentment to me.

I wasn’t naive to think he would be dad of the year but I he makes me very happy . I just want him to be more involved with DSD. They do talk and cuddle and laugh but he does avoid his duties

Will you be very happy in five years time when you've been raising two children single-handedly and he's done fuck all?

Christ, raise your bar.

Yes, apart from taking advantage of you he is neglecting his own child.
Absolute prick of a man.

Yeah.. I'd be really pissed off. You need to have a serious conversation with him. Show him this thread maybe?
The issue is, dsd will absolutely notice what's going on.. And she will feel horrible. He needs to spend more time with her, now, whilst she still wants to!!

My ex has always done this with our daughter which used to upset her terribly that he spent no time with her / was always ''busy'' or out; not that she ever said anything to him. His wife rightly so does not do the parenting for him, however the net effect is she spend much of her contact time alone. In the space of the last year / 18 months, she has gone from upset to just very angry, resents going and sits in her room refusing to engage with anyone on her phone in her room there. Then comes home even more angry. Throw in a few hormones for good measure and I can imagine the atmosphere in their home must be beyond unbearable... it's a tragedy.

Wow, he's done well for himself, marrying a free babysitter. Excuse my sarcasm, but seriously?

dont worry your DSD will decide not to come when she hits full on teens. She isnt coming to visit you, she is coming to spend time with her dad. He is disinterested. Your DH has just got you taking over as 'mum' where he expects you to fullfill the role whilst he gazes up his own anus.

You sound lovely but as someone who was left with the step mum i stopped seeing my dad when i was 15

Surely you just tell dad to go find her df? Every time..
Time you started being unavailable...

I think you need to be more proactive. If he suddenly needs to 'run an errand' say "Oh DSD, Dad's going to X, why don't you go with him? Have some Daddy and you time!", if he absents himself to another room lead DSD in there and say "Here's Dad! Look, he's playing on his phone! He has X app/new pics of Baby, I know he'd love to play it with/show them to you" and then walk away. Or take her in there with a toy, an iPad movie, or a game and say "Dad will love to play/do that with you."

He's not going to listen to words. He needs to be shoved into interacting with her.

That would annoy the piss outta me. Oddly, I usually read about (and have experienced first hand) the dads that ignore everyone else when the stepchildren are around. They are bending over backwards playing Disney Dad. I would refuse to do it and if he tries to leave the house I would tell him I'd go run the errand while he stays home and entertains his child.

He sounds like an awful father. Not a chance I’d put up with this.
Poor child. She must feel like an inconvenience at best.

So if he thinks it's her mum's job to do all the parenting, why is she spending time at yours? Is it because he wants to do some of the parenting, or is it because he wants to keep the child maintenance bill down?

I agree with those who've said that you need to discuss this with him when neither child is around. He's lucky that you have a good relationship with DSD, but he does need to be doing his share of parenting, not relying on you to do it all for him. And yes, she will probably already be noticing that you take more interest in her than he does. It's not that he necessarily needs to be doing everything, and if she's at yours for about a third of the time, it's not unreasonable for her to be occupying herself for some of the time (most 12 year olds spend quite a lot of time doing their own thing), but it sounds as if he's not engaging with her much at all.

This - 100%. It's very sad for the poor kid.

You need to stop the hints and pull him up on it. A row if needs be.

Why doesn't he just leave her with her mum? She's probably be happier.
How would you feel if you left your partner and he fobbed your child off 100% on whoever he was dating at the time.
I think you need to put your foot down, he is a shit dad.

Do you think because of her age he maybe doesn't know what to do with her / how to converse with her?

Absolutely not an excuse and I'd tell him. Maybe arrange for them to go bowling / cinema or something just the two of them

If he doesn’t ‘realise’ what he’s doing I’d be petty and make a note of what he does every time he does it so you have something to show him.

NC - my DP was like this with dsd untik a few months ago. She's 8
I'd had enough. I was fucking raging and told him how shit he was. We've just had ds 7 months ago and I do everything for him. If he thought he'd sit on his arse while his other child came he was wrong

He now takes her out and she really enjoys it but she asks her mum if she can come to my house. Not her dads. And she comes to me for anything parental while she's here too

Dsd is lucky to have you. But you have to say something to him now as it is not on

“I need some reflective time” wtf?

You don’t get that with kids! If he wanted to lie in his conservatory alone he perhaps should have reflected on his contraceptive decisions! Too late now though. Tell the lazy twat to help!

How can you bear to be with him? He's treating his daughter like she's a contagious disease and trying to avoid her. He's doing this to HIS child, what a twat.

he sounds very uncomfortable with her, poor girl.
make yourself unavailable.

He sounds like my BIL who used to leave the childcare of his son to my sister.
When he was 13 he said he wasn't going to go over anymore because his dad ignored him. He's 21 now and recently got back in touch with his dad but nothing had changed so he's gone non contact with his dad.
He speaks to my sister and his half sister but doesn't want to hear anything about his dad.
Is this what your husband is aiming for? I'm totally confused why you had a baby with someone who can't be bothered. You do realise that even if you stay together he won't bother to put himself out for your child (because my BIL doesn't bother with my niece either).

I had this situation, my "dad" couldn't be bothered to interact with me. All my good memories of going to stay with him are because of my step mum, he hardly did anything with me. This continued into adulthood. This and others things led to being completely non contact with him. He plays the victim of course, but I refuse to have such a shitty flakey person in my own childrens lives. I still have contact with my step mum, they split up when I was an adult, but we still have a relationship.

She will get fed up of it and she won't forgive or forget it. He is deluded if he thinks she hasn't noticed.

Thank goodness your DSD has you.