AIBU - I look after DSD while her dad hides.

[Pinksparkledust]

Whenever my DSD comes ( 12 years old) I feel my husband leaves me to do the entertaining.

I think DSD is funny , creative and amusing but i get annoyed that DH seems to ‘hide’ . Sometimes I think it’s in my head but then he does things like this afternoon.

He came upstairs and told me DSd is here . I said cool - I’m just finishing up . He then came back again not even a few mins later . Then he came upstairs with the baby and said I’m going to cuddle her down . I believe this means he will lay in the bedroom with the baby while entertain DSD . By entertain, I mean engage with her as we should - how was school / life etc .

it seems DH always has things to do when DSD come . Eg

I’m going to see next door about the garden …
I’m going to collect fish and chips and he then takes forever
He is going to get ‘milk !’… and takes forever .
He will never let me cook as he hides in the kitchen .

Last week I went into the conservatory and he was laying on his phone. I said - DSD is here ! He said he needed some reflective time.

He has even gone to the pub a few times and left DSD with me. I engage fully , we talk and laugh, watch movies . I have a DS who adores DSD and vice Versa . I don’t mind this but I feel that DH is not actually doing his bit yet he wants to play worlds best dad when it suits him .

If i even hint at this he says he has no clue what I am on about .

It is majorly annoying me . I feel I spend the quality time with DSD . So right now I’m typing this in the bathroom ! He is laying in the bedroom with baby who is alseep. I feel so guilt as DSD is downstairs alone . She only comes 2/3 days a week . So I’ll go down and see her - I just wish DH could see his behaviour from
an outside perspective.

AIBU to be annoyed ?

How awful. Your DSD relationship with her father will influence all of her relationships with men in the future. If he doesn’t step up now he could really damage that poor girls confidence for ever, she is at a very vulnerable age. He needs a kick ip the arse.

Wow this makes me feel very sad for his daughter, and she is very lucky to have a DSM like you. He has issues, he needs to sort them out ASAP. Twat

Yep, my DH os the same with his DSF and when I won't be the one doing then parenting, he turns on me making me out to be the wicked step mum

I’d be having a very serious and blunt chat with him.

He needs to understand the impact of what he is doing
Ask him questions
1 does he want DSD to stop coming to visit?
2 what does he want their relationship to look like when she is an adult? Does he want her to come to him for advice, walk her down the aisle, see her children regularly?

What he does now will impact their relationship for the rest of their lives. She will soon be an adult with choices. If he wants those choices to include him he needs to seriously lift his game.

I would also tell him how his behaviour makes you feel. And that his response will give you a great deal of information about how he views you and his DC who are supposedly the most important people in his life

Why are you “hinting”? Just tell him he needs to parent his own child ffs

He actively avoids spending time with his child that doesn’t live with him. How awful reminds me of my childhood where my dad would ‘dump’ me with other family members on the weekends he was supposed to spend time. I’m surprised he’s decided to become a father again with that attitude

DsD comes as I make a huge fuss of her and her dad when he is around does the same . I know at home it can be hard for her

DH knows DsD has some anger at him for leaving the family home.
DH gets frustrated as it was an amicable split

Not for DSD it wasn't. He walked out and left her with a shitty situation. Her anger is justified and he needs to take it on the chin, not hide from it.

Leave the house .
Or take a long shower
Orrrrrrr just say: YOU entertain her.

Hey Dh, when I found you in the conservatory having some reflective time the other day while dsd was here that was the last straw. You may not have noticed but you find some reason to disappear most of the time she is here. She is your daughter. She is not my daughter. I love her but I didnt grow her and give birth to her and her contact time is
supposed to be to see her father. You can not outsource being a parent to me because you cannot be arsed. I want her to feel loved but not just by me. So for the next month I’m going out regularly on her contact time and you need to think of things to say to her and things to do with her. Any reflective time you need is not on her contact time. If you want to go get milk, you take your dd with you. If you want to do to washing or cooking, she helps. Every time I look at you ignoring her I think you will be doing that to our baby in a few years if nothing changes and I love you less. Fix this before my love runs out.

then go out. A month of you not spending a lot of time with your dsd is a small price to pay for seeing if he can step up.

Sounds like he doesn’t know how to interact with a teenager!
Daughters are amazing and really good company if you out the time in.
sounds like you both need to make more of an effort with her if I’m honest!
She going to pick up on it soon if you’re not careful. This age is difficult enough without her feeling unwanted

Op, you keep mentioning that the ex was a sahm as if that makes a difference to anything. I was a sahm with a husband who was out of the house from 7 till 7/8 Monday to Friday. He still managed to have a good relationship with our children and would look after them for long weekends if I had a rare weekend away. Lots of families have the same pattern and the fathers aren't all avoidant wastes of space. You're being too kind.

He may have disengaged from his child when he and his previous partner separated.

Its not unusual but what is strange is that contact is so frequent. Are you the stand in childcare as both of her parents see things? Is this connected to any financial support?

I wouldnt be at all sure thst getting annoyed will help in the short term, as your partner may not be admitting his feelings even to himself yet. See the namecalking in previous replies. He might be ashamed or angry and not want to feel that way.

My suggestion is that you encourage him to reflect on the situation, using a counsellor if possible, eventually including his previous partner to think their parenting through.

In the mean time, try to be patient. Some children spend a lot of time by themselves. I was one of them

Don’t play games because your dsd will pay the price in the end- you need to ask him what’s so hard about being present when she’s here. Ask him what jobs he wants to do and why he can’t get dsd involved in them. It’s sad, there’s something going on- he’s finding it hard for some reason to engage with family life. You’re a lovely step mum, you stay the same xxx

Most 12 year old have very little to do with their parents, tend to be in bedrooms communicating to friends ime. Does he literally ignore her all if his contact time? Or does he speak to her at meal times fir eg?

When you know your DSD is due to visit, make plans for you and the baby (so he can't use the baby as an excuse not to be spending time with his older daughter).
Tell him "DH, I'm going out now with Baby. You know that X is due in the next 10 minutes and I'll be back later on. She'll need to be entertained and fed. I know you'll be able to look after her because you're her dad. See you later" and then LEAVE.
Go for the longest walk you've ever done. Go for a coffee. Go to the library. Just leave him and his daughter be for one visit. When you get back ask DSD "What did you two get up to while I was out with Baby?"
If she says "Nothing" then you need to have a conversation with your DH once she leaves to spell it out to him that he can't 'hide', he can't be a Disney Dad and what he's 'doing' isn't acceptable. He's essentially missing her growing up, even though he's actually around.

If you don't remember anything else, remember this: There is an excellent chance that he will treat your daughter the same way as he treats this daughter when she is the same age. Be ready.

Or ... she keeps coming in the hope that one day, her dad might stop hiding & interact with her. That doesn't mean she's not uncomfortable, @exaltedwombat

It's a damn good job OP loves the child & "doesn't mind" - but that's entirely separate from the issue, which is horrible parental neglect.

As to "stop poking the fire" - what you are obviously really saying is
"PP - stop pointing out there's a problem, keep telling the woman it's her job to provide emotional security, & allow the man to pretend he isn't burning down his relationship with his daughter, & affecting her confidence & happiness."

Phew, scorching post. Well said @timeisnotaline

OP - do you feel confident in doing this? I know he will initially seek to evade & minimise, but will you be able to put this to him, & get heard?

There are some dad's who'd kill to see their DS. A shame. I'd be concerned that he'll end up doing the same to the baby when it's older

Whose idea was the almost 50-50 arrangement?

How much money is it saving your prince of a husband?

I would sit him down and spell things out to him in terms I suspect he will understand - you are not willing to go along with the daddy-daughter charade any more and you expect him to do the honest thing, just see DSD EOW, and pay the full whack of child support.

And you need to force him into a hands on parenting role with your own DC too.

Cooking - you can alternate days. Hoovering and bathroom cleaning (and reflective time) can be taken in turns while DC is there needing active parenting. Do not let him get away with turning you into a single parent.