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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - I look after DSD while her dad hides.

145 replies

Pinksparkledust · 03/05/2022 16:05

Whenever my DSD comes ( 12 years old) I feel my husband leaves me to do the entertaining.

I think DSD is funny , creative and amusing but i get annoyed that DH seems to ‘hide’ . Sometimes I think it’s in my head but then he does things like this afternoon.

He came upstairs and told me DSd is here . I said cool - I’m just finishing up . He then came back again not even a few mins later . Then he came upstairs with the baby and said I’m going to cuddle her down . I believe this means he will lay in the bedroom with the baby while entertain DSD . By entertain, I mean engage with her as we should - how was school / life etc .

it seems DH always has things to do when DSD come . Eg

I’m going to see next door about the garden …
I’m going to collect fish and chips and he then takes forever
He is going to get ‘milk !’… and takes forever .
He will never let me cook as he hides in the kitchen .

Last week I went into the conservatory and he was laying on his phone. I said - DSD is here ! He said he needed some reflective time.

He has even gone to the pub a few times and left DSD with me. I engage fully , we talk and laugh, watch movies . I have a DS who adores DSD and vice Versa . I don’t mind this but I feel that DH is not actually doing his bit yet he wants to play worlds best dad when it suits him .

If i even hint at this he says he has no clue what I am on about .

It is majorly annoying me . I feel I spend the quality time with DSD . So right now I’m typing this in the bathroom ! He is laying in the bedroom with baby who is alseep. I feel so guilt as DSD is downstairs alone . She only comes 2/3 days a week . So I’ll go down and see her - I just wish DH could see his behaviour from
an outside perspective.

AIBU to be annoyed ?

OP posts:
NewandNotImproved · 03/05/2022 18:24

Jesus, being a shit deadbeat does not give him the right to palm his kids off on to his latest wife, or traumatise kids in his wake.

How on earth will you install better standards in your own kid, whilst giving such a poor example of what’s acceptable just to have a bloke?
The deadbeat needs to be forced to step up, immediately, hopefully he’s had a vasectomy so no more people will have to suffer having him as a ‘parent’.

cuparfull · 03/05/2022 18:25

Is it guilt, or does he just not know what to say to her? When did he separate from DSD's mother as that might have a bearing on his inability to interact?
Tho you do say the ex, SAHM, did all the early childcare so he likely hasn't been pushed to try.

My OH, separated from his ex when DSD was 4yrs old, would take her to his parents for the w/end rather than spend 1 to 1 time alone.

Perhaps suggest he takes her out alone and treats her. She's 12 and he needs to build some rapport now before she reaches 16 and has her own life/social circle. He'll never get this time/opportunity back. She's going to remember this treatment of her forever and you need to tell him so.
Even as a stepmom, I do think all children irrespective of which partners, deserve to be treated like your own and equally. Family breakup isn't their fault. I feel so sad for her but you can help, so make him step up.

georgarina · 03/05/2022 18:25

Why not say something like ‘DSD is here to spend time with you, not me, and you haven’t spent 5 minutes with her. I’ll see to the baby. Don’t you think you should go see your daughter?’

Reflective time. FFS.

user1471538283 · 03/05/2022 18:28

Reflective time! Who has this when they have children!

I would go out and force him to engage. Before he knows it she will not want to come over.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/05/2022 18:32

"If i even hint at [him avoiding interacting with his daughter] he says he has no clue what I am on about ."
That would prompt me to be really really blunt with him. No hinting whatsoever.

'I have raised this with you before and you have denied it, but it is visible to me and my worry is that it is visible to your daughter. Why do avoid your daughter when she is here and behave as if it is my job to do everything with her? Why do you absent yourself doing unnecessary tasks just to have an excuse to not spend time with her? And don't tell me you don't, because we both know that this is exactly what you do! Are you trying to drive her away?'

He says he has no clue? Give him the 'clue' of your observations, and don't accept denials. Persevere. This girl needs you to advocate for her, and he needs to step up and do some damned parenting!

You say of your husband that "he makes me very happy". How happy are you with the thought of him treating your children like this? I am really struggling to see how you can continue to respect a man who treats his daughter like this.

steff13 · 03/05/2022 18:41

BettyForgety · 03/05/2022 16:14

You’ve got a long road ahead, he’s going to be the same with your DC.

This.

Afolnerd · 03/05/2022 18:42

My ex was like this. The kids would come home with lists of all the stuff their dad had “needed to do” to avoid actually spending anytime with them. His partner did try and spend time with them and make them feel welcome.
One day they came home and said that she had snatched his phone out of his hand and thrown it out the window! This was followed by a massive row about how shit he was.

Neither child now has any contact with him, they knew they weren’t wanted and it has affected their mental health greatly.

Herejustforthisone · 03/05/2022 18:45

Well, isn’t he a shit, good-for-nothing ‘Father’.

FictionalCharacter · 03/05/2022 18:46

AcrossthePond55 · 03/05/2022 17:36

I think you need to be more proactive. If he suddenly needs to 'run an errand' say "Oh DSD, Dad's going to X, why don't you go with him? Have some Daddy and you time!", if he absents himself to another room lead DSD in there and say "Here's Dad! Look, he's playing on his phone! He has X app/new pics of Baby, I know he'd love to play it with/show them to you" and then walk away. Or take her in there with a toy, an iPad movie, or a game and say "Dad will love to play/do that with you."

He's not going to listen to words. He needs to be shoved into interacting with her.

But he doesn’t want to. This could make the poor dsd feel even worse because it would be really obvious that OP is trying to force him into interacting. She must already know he’s avoiding her. Poor child.

Quartz2208 · 03/05/2022 18:47

You need to talk to him - because this is terrible parenting and it already starting with your baby

How on earth can you be happy with this

pictish · 03/05/2022 18:52

georgarina · 03/05/2022 18:25

Why not say something like ‘DSD is here to spend time with you, not me, and you haven’t spent 5 minutes with her. I’ll see to the baby. Don’t you think you should go see your daughter?’

Reflective time. FFS.

God this. Say it like it is fgs.

Sloth66 · 03/05/2022 18:52

Well you aren’t his mother, so I don’t really feel it should be your role to encourage him to stop avoiding spending time with his own daughter. He’s using you , and I feel sorry for his poor daughter who must realise by now he doesn’t want to spend any time with her.

pictish · 03/05/2022 18:54

I mean, how can he feasibly argue with that?

If he kicks off you know he’s a fucker.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 03/05/2022 18:59

'I have raised this with you before and you have denied it, but it is visible to me and my worry is that it is visible to your daughter. Why do avoid your daughter when she is here and behave as if it is my job to do everything with her? Why do you absent yourself doing unnecessary tasks just to have an excuse to not spend time with her? And don't tell me you don't, because we both know that this is exactly what you do! Are you trying to drive her away?'
this is good. But i dont think he will care.

id just stop facilitating it at all. Go out. Stay out. Leave him with the children.

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/05/2022 19:00

Poor dsd. She must reliese

this needs to be nipped in the bud now

you are a great sm but she needs time with her dad

hints aren’t working. You need to be blunt with him

lemmein · 03/05/2022 19:07

So if he thinks it's her mum's job to do all the parenting, why is she spending time at yours? Is it because he wants to do some of the parenting, or is it because he wants to keep the child maintenance bill down?

I know a few men like this - claim to want their children 50:50 but put the responsibility of their share onto new partners/grandparents/etc. Anything to avoid paying maintenance.

I couldn't even be with a man who uttered the words 'I need reflective time' - how fucking precious? Seriously, no.

PinkSyCo · 03/05/2022 19:07

Well thank God your DSD has you! I wonder if her dad would be so negligent towards her if you weren’t around. It’s lovely that you are but sooner or later your DSD is going to wander why her dad spends all his time trying to avoid her (if she doesn’t already) and it will affect her self esteem. Maybe you should make yourself less available sometimes so that your DH is forced to step up to his parental duties.

whynotwhatknot · 03/05/2022 19:11

Why does he bother having her over-is it money? she can decide soon if she doesnt want to come at all a court wont force her

then again doesnt sound like he would be that bothered

Dillydollydingdong · 03/05/2022 19:13

He's a lazy father. He'd rather do anything in preference to entertaining his dd. Tell him he could have a takeaway delivered and put a film on that they could share. My ds does this with his DC. It's Film Night. There are all sorts of good films that would suit a 12 yo old girl and her father.

Mfsf · 03/05/2022 19:14

have they always been like this ? Do you think something happened that he feels he cannot connect with her anymore ?
eoukd you be able to organise a outing for them ? Cinema and meal , something they both like maybe ?
min the meanwhile you need to have a proper chat with him . Tell him what he is doing is wrong , no excuses

Feckingfeck · 03/05/2022 19:15

Perhaps you should take your own “reflective time” or go to get milk?

that phrase really grates on me 😂

toomuchlaundry · 03/05/2022 19:40

Does he have other DC?

NamechangeFML · 03/05/2022 19:47

Is it her age? Does he not know how to communicate with her anymore?
Do you think hes out of his depth a bit?

all you can do , is as others have suggested- advise he takes her with him/pull him up on disspearing acts etc.
can you make a rule that say, Tuesday when she is over is family film or game night? They pick them together? A film wont be much
effore for him, but if they make popcorn and sit together- itll be something?
it must be exhausting to have to entertain her and go on at him
and this may be unpopular- can you talk to the Ex about it? Do you have an ok relationship?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 03/05/2022 19:56

KettrickenSmiled · 03/05/2022 16:47

It is majorly annoying me . I feel I spend the quality time with DSD . So right now I’m typing this in the bathroom ! He is laying in the bedroom with baby who is alseep. I feel so guilt as DSD is downstairs alone . She only comes 2/3 days a week . So I’ll go down and see her - I just wish DH could see his behaviour from
an outside perspective.

This is what puzzles me.
You are furious, & sad for DSD. But you are just passively allowing it to happen!

Instead of lurking in the bathroom, go to the bedroom, scoop up your baby & ask H why his daughter is alone downstairs.
If he pretends not to understand you - tell him to stop fucking about hiding from his child for a change, & get downstairs & give her his undivided attention.

This...

Gunpowder · 03/05/2022 20:17

YANBU. I don’t know the solution to this, but I think you are a wonderful stepmother.

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