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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just feel like crying?

330 replies

Tryingnottocry22 · 02/05/2022 18:48

I was really looking forward to spending the day today with my BF and DD. We decided to go down to the beach. I suggested we get an ice cream and my DD could play on the beach.

So we planned to meet at 1pm. W were running a bit late and I let him know then messaged when we were leaving. The place we were meeting took equal time to travel to for both of us. My DD and I were waiting there. We were getting very hot as there wasn't any shade. We waited 20 min and then phoned to say he was so sorry the time on his Xbox wasn't working and he thought it was earlier. He said he was heading off but ended up walking the wrong way so we had to wait another 30min rather than 10 min! Not a good start. But once he arrived we began walking to the ice cream parlour. He then said he wanted to get a meal. So I said we could go to one of the nearby cafes. It was a bit annoying as I thought it was going to be a cheap day and the cafes are quite expensive but decided to make the best of it. So we went in a cafe and ordered some food. We came on to discussing why he was late. I couldn't understand why he didn't just leave when I said I was so we would be there at the same time. But he got exasperated with me keeping on reiterating the time on his Xbox was wrong.

Anyway, we changed the subject and had a pleasant chat. After our meal we went over to the beach, got DD an ice cream and were about to go on the sand. BF said he needed to buy cigarettes. There is no where on the seafront to buy cigarettes! So I suggested we walk further up the beach nearer the high st so we could go on the beach and he could go and get cigarettes. We finally got there and he decided actually he didn't want cigarettes. I snapped at him about this and he accused me of wanting to have a cigarette and that's why I was annoyed (I sometimes have the odd cigarette around him but generally don't smoke). Some cross words ensued and he stormed off. DD was a bit worried about what had happened, understandably and I'd had enough so after a short while we decided to go home. We waited for the lift to the top of the cliffs. When we were in the lift I could see him frantically running up the steps and we both arrived at the top at the same time. He was close to tears, said he'd come back looking for us. He apologised profusely.

By this point I just felt like crying. I feel like he is always so defensive. Like I was trying to figure out what happened with him being late, but I feel he is so ready to fight back he doesn't really listen to what I'm asking. Or like with the cigarettes he turns it round onto me. I just wanted my DD to have a nice day on the beach. I've apologised to her (as has BF) and BF got her some sweets on the way home so she was happy. We just don't seem to be able to communicate. Can things improve or is it best to just break up. I love him very much and he has a very kind heart. He had a bad childhood so I think never learnt healthy ways to communicate. I just feel so sad about it.

OP posts:
Octomore · 03/05/2022 18:02

I'm not saying what you're saying is untrue - maybe this is specific to your phone or something. But it doesn't tally with my experience at all.

And when I say 'out of range of signal', I'm talking spending 3 weeks in rural Kyrgyzstan in the Tien Shan range, that sort of thing.

Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 03/05/2022 18:13

Octomore · 03/05/2022 18:00

I have often spent a fair bit of time out of range of both wifi and mobile phone signal (i.e. remote areas where only a satellite phone could be used). This has been over the course of the past 2 decades, and I've had a variety of makes/models of mobile phone in that period.

Having no access to signal/wifi/data has literally never affected the clock on my phone.

It was probably a long time it happened on my phone but it definitely did. The date was wrong and it sent the wrong texts to the top. Anyway, we are talking about an Xbox, which is different. More like an Alexa, as only works on WiFi not 4g or whatever. If the internet goes off my Alexa shoes the wrong time.

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 03/05/2022 18:16

JoeGoldberg · 02/05/2022 19:23

He's a spoilt child having a tantrum. He's ruined OP's day - and her DD's - with his disorganisation, demands & petulance.

Spot on. As I said upthread he made it all about him. Unfortunately OP, you let him.

Yep. He sounds very immature and self centred. Changing his mind about buying cigarettes and then saying he thought she wanted them is a way of blaming her. After all his silliness he then runs up all tearful and apologetic, so that she feels sorry for him. I can imagine how bad this relationship could get if he continues to act like this.

angieloumc · 03/05/2022 18:50

How does he make sure he gets to his work as a doctor then?

SpindleInTheWind · 03/05/2022 19:13

He doesn't seem quite cut out for junior doctoring.

justfiveminutes · 03/05/2022 19:18

"Changing his mind about buying cigarettes and then saying he thought she wanted them is a way of blaming her."

That's not what happened. When op got cross that he'd changed his mind about them, he asked whether she was cross because she was hoping to have one.

justfiveminutes · 03/05/2022 19:19

"How does he make sure he gets to his work as a doctor then?"

He uses his phone to tell the time. But it was broken on that day. He's replacing it today I believe.

Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 03/05/2022 20:08

angieloumc · 03/05/2022 18:50

How does he make sure he gets to his work as a doctor then?

Uses his phone, like everyone else I know!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 03/05/2022 20:09

SpindleInTheWind · 03/05/2022 19:13

He doesn't seem quite cut out for junior doctoring.

How can you tell from this snippet? He's doing very well, thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 03/05/2022 20:11

justfiveminutes · 03/05/2022 19:18

"Changing his mind about buying cigarettes and then saying he thought she wanted them is a way of blaming her."

That's not what happened. When op got cross that he'd changed his mind about them, he asked whether she was cross because she was hoping to have one.

Yes, I agree this is a leap.

OP posts:
angieloumc · 03/05/2022 20:11

Absolutely. But you say his phone is broken.
This is a really strange thread. Your first post says how unhappy you were but since then you've made excuses for him. If you're happy with the way he 'appears' to treat you that's fine.

SpindleInTheWind · 03/05/2022 20:18

Tryingnottocry22 · 03/05/2022 20:09

How can you tell from this snippet? He's doing very well, thanks.

Show quote history

You're the one moaning about him on Mumsnet

JoeGoldberg · 03/05/2022 20:20

OP you may as well just say that you're over it now and you've moved on, the thread isn't really going anywhere anymore. People have given their thoughts, you've resorted to defending him which, to me, means you're ok with how he is really.

Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 03/05/2022 20:28

SpindleInTheWind · 03/05/2022 20:18

You're the one moaning about him on Mumsnet

Show quote history

Not about that, am I? And actually 'looking for advice' is not the same as 'moaning'. Just because I posted about him doesn't make it a free for all to make judgements on all sorts of things you know nothing about. I don't think that is fair atall.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 03/05/2022 20:38

JoeGoldberg · 03/05/2022 20:20

OP you may as well just say that you're over it now and you've moved on, the thread isn't really going anywhere anymore. People have given their thoughts, you've resorted to defending him which, to me, means you're ok with how he is really.

To be fair I was told by many posters it was all my fault or we were as bad as each other. It would be those posters complaining that I wasn't accepting responsibility by continuing to blame him. But actually people are just arguing about minutia that was nothing to do with my issues. I'm not going to go along with things to try and make him seem worse if they are not true. I'm not going to agree he must be a terrible junior doctor who is late everyday because he doesn't have a clock on his wall! Those things are not true. You know, people are not generally all black or all white, but usually grey. So yes, I wrote about my problems with him - that doesn't mean there aren't good things about him too and by acknowledging that it doesn't take away from the issues we have.

OP posts:
latetothefisting · 03/05/2022 20:42

@justfiveminutes, from someone who deals with them every day, it is definitely possible to be both thick AND a doctor, or, to give them the benefit of the doubt, for a doctor to lack all common sense, basic ability and knowledge outside of their specialist field.

OP You're right that people don't 'get' the console telling the wrong time thing, because a) it does sound a bit odd (none of my devices have ever got the time wrong when the wifi has disconnected), and b) it's unusual to only rely on one form of timekeeping.
I don't think it's an age thing as DP & I are similar ages to you and in the house we have a laptop each, tvs, a big wall clock, clock on the cooker, on the gaming system, a phone each plus work phones plus spare old phones for if our main ones break, kindle, work laptops, clocks on the car....a 'nice' watch each plus every day fitbit/apple watch, alexa....
Obviously I believe you but I just don't think it's very usual for a grown adult with a responsible job to rely solely on an xbox to tell the time, which is why people are doubting it!

JoeGoldberg · 03/05/2022 20:50

And actually 'looking for advice' is not the same as 'moaning'

The advice was that he's made it all about him and you should rethink your relationship. Those posts far outweighed the ones about gaming (which was annoying because you'd already said he wasn't!) and a few others very early on in the thread saying you'd overreacted. But by and large the majority of advice has been that you need to stop pandering to him.

Also I'm not understanding the clock on the Xbox thing. My WiFi is terrible and always disconnecting from the Xbox. Easily a couple of times a day, and it's never once affected the time. So that's a strange one.

Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 03/05/2022 21:21

latetothefisting · 03/05/2022 20:42

@justfiveminutes, from someone who deals with them every day, it is definitely possible to be both thick AND a doctor, or, to give them the benefit of the doubt, for a doctor to lack all common sense, basic ability and knowledge outside of their specialist field.

OP You're right that people don't 'get' the console telling the wrong time thing, because a) it does sound a bit odd (none of my devices have ever got the time wrong when the wifi has disconnected), and b) it's unusual to only rely on one form of timekeeping.
I don't think it's an age thing as DP & I are similar ages to you and in the house we have a laptop each, tvs, a big wall clock, clock on the cooker, on the gaming system, a phone each plus work phones plus spare old phones for if our main ones break, kindle, work laptops, clocks on the car....a 'nice' watch each plus every day fitbit/apple watch, alexa....
Obviously I believe you but I just don't think it's very usual for a grown adult with a responsible job to rely solely on an xbox to tell the time, which is why people are doubting it!

BF doesn't have much common sense, I'll give you that!

I get people may not understand about the Xbox. But there has to be a point you take the OPs word for it. Otherwise it's just arguing over things for the sake of it which is a waste of time for everyone. When my WIFI goes off the time on my Alexa stays at the time it was when it went off. When it connects again it refreshes and shows the right time. I have had it on my tablet and phone too (although phone not for a long time) so I am aware it happens. I also know there have been problems with his WiFi so it made sense. I have no reason to believe he was lying about this.

As has been said so many times this was an unusual one off as he'd dropped his phone in his tea! He has laptop etc but didn't have it on as he had the Xbox on. He didn't realise the WiFi had gone off so thought it was telling the time correctly. I mean, I take it you would ask Alexa what the time was for example. And then check if it was correct on your laptop, cooker, work phone and of course your fancy watches just in case it was wrong? Really?

If people think he relies solely on a Xbox for time keeping and therefore doubt it...all I can say is read the thread!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 03/05/2022 21:26

JoeGoldberg · 03/05/2022 20:50

And actually 'looking for advice' is not the same as 'moaning'

The advice was that he's made it all about him and you should rethink your relationship. Those posts far outweighed the ones about gaming (which was annoying because you'd already said he wasn't!) and a few others very early on in the thread saying you'd overreacted. But by and large the majority of advice has been that you need to stop pandering to him.

Also I'm not understanding the clock on the Xbox thing. My WiFi is terrible and always disconnecting from the Xbox. Easily a couple of times a day, and it's never once affected the time. So that's a strange one.

And I took that on board early on. As I said I'm not going to agree with untruths to bolster myself. I got some great advice which I'm following.

Does it reconnect quickly? I don't know but my Alexa and tablet do it too. My phone has too but to be fair that was probably many years ago.

OP posts:
justfiveminutes · 03/05/2022 21:45

I think you've probably learnt a lot about posting for relationship advice on AIBU op. Next time, I suggest you try the 'relationships' board. I don't believe all of the pp implying that he's a loser that you should dump immediately would follow their own advice after a single bad afternoon out.

Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 03/05/2022 22:02

justfiveminutes · 03/05/2022 21:45

I think you've probably learnt a lot about posting for relationship advice on AIBU op. Next time, I suggest you try the 'relationships' board. I don't believe all of the pp implying that he's a loser that you should dump immediately would follow their own advice after a single bad afternoon out.

Thank you for the tip!

OP posts:
Everydayisabadhairday · 03/05/2022 22:19

So what you going to do to make sure you're modelling healthy relationships to your daughter? Because this isn't one. This is her watching you running after this bloke and people pleasing to her detriment.

Chilesstanton · 03/05/2022 22:40

Your poor DD, this sounds awful

Original poster
Tryingnottocry22 · 03/05/2022 22:45

Everydayisabadhairday · 03/05/2022 22:19

So what you going to do to make sure you're modelling healthy relationships to your daughter? Because this isn't one. This is her watching you running after this bloke and people pleasing to her detriment.

I am going to work hard at communicating clearly and setting boundaries. Also will work on my distress tolerance and emotion regulation.

OP posts:
JoeGoldberg · 03/05/2022 22:58

Does it reconnect quickly? I don't know but my Alexa and tablet do it too. My phone has too but to be fair that was probably many years ago.

No, sometimes it's off for ages (rubbish Internet don't even get me started on that one!) but when it does come back the time hasn't altered at all. There's no reason why it would.