AIBU to just feel like crying?

[Tryingnottocry22]

I was really looking forward to spending the day today with my BF and DD. We decided to go down to the beach. I suggested we get an ice cream and my DD could play on the beach.

So we planned to meet at 1pm. W were running a bit late and I let him know then messaged when we were leaving. The place we were meeting took equal time to travel to for both of us. My DD and I were waiting there. We were getting very hot as there wasn't any shade. We waited 20 min and then phoned to say he was so sorry the time on his Xbox wasn't working and he thought it was earlier. He said he was heading off but ended up walking the wrong way so we had to wait another 30min rather than 10 min! Not a good start. But once he arrived we began walking to the ice cream parlour. He then said he wanted to get a meal. So I said we could go to one of the nearby cafes. It was a bit annoying as I thought it was going to be a cheap day and the cafes are quite expensive but decided to make the best of it. So we went in a cafe and ordered some food. We came on to discussing why he was late. I couldn't understand why he didn't just leave when I said I was so we would be there at the same time. But he got exasperated with me keeping on reiterating the time on his Xbox was wrong.

Anyway, we changed the subject and had a pleasant chat. After our meal we went over to the beach, got DD an ice cream and were about to go on the sand. BF said he needed to buy cigarettes. There is no where on the seafront to buy cigarettes! So I suggested we walk further up the beach nearer the high st so we could go on the beach and he could go and get cigarettes. We finally got there and he decided actually he didn't want cigarettes. I snapped at him about this and he accused me of wanting to have a cigarette and that's why I was annoyed (I sometimes have the odd cigarette around him but generally don't smoke). Some cross words ensued and he stormed off. DD was a bit worried about what had happened, understandably and I'd had enough so after a short while we decided to go home. We waited for the lift to the top of the cliffs. When we were in the lift I could see him frantically running up the steps and we both arrived at the top at the same time. He was close to tears, said he'd come back looking for us. He apologised profusely.

By this point I just felt like crying. I feel like he is always so defensive. Like I was trying to figure out what happened with him being late, but I feel he is so ready to fight back he doesn't really listen to what I'm asking. Or like with the cigarettes he turns it round onto me. I just wanted my DD to have a nice day on the beach. I've apologised to her (as has BF) and BF got her some sweets on the way home so she was happy. We just don't seem to be able to communicate. Can things improve or is it best to just break up. I love him very much and he has a very kind heart. He had a bad childhood so I think never learnt healthy ways to communicate. I just feel so sad about it.

I do think YABU to have not prioritise your daughter in order to keep the manchild happy. And it sounds like he was testing you to see who you would prioritise.
You could have told him to meet you on the beach and taken your daughter straight there instead of making her wait for him.
You could have told him to sort his own food out and you stayed on the beach on with your daughter.
You could have told him to go and get his cigarettes while you stayed on the beach with your daughter.

Instead, you put his needs above her enjoyment every time. When you decided to leave and he realised you hadn't put him first, he tries to manipulate you by crying.

This behaviour will continue and if you don't ditch him soon, your daughter will come to think of you as the mum who didn't put her first.

I'm not buying the clock on the X Box story either. Sounds like he was playing and didn't want to finish his game early. Is there no clocks in his home? Nothing on the oven or the microwave? Why was it suddenly wrong now? He absolutely wasn't prioritising you or your daughter that day.

Exactly!

It was just because his phone was broken.

Yes, that definitely would have been a better plan!

And I agree about the weather! The funniest was someone insisting they knew where I was and it wasn't hot. Tell that to everyone down at the beach! 🚥

He sounds thick as shit, walking the wrong way.

I'd dump him. He sounds annoying and hard work

Thank you. I find it hard to know where my boundaries should be. As many have said he did wrong, but lists said I was as bad or worst and that I shouldn't have asked a question about his lateness.

Is he an actual "boy" friend? Because the behaviour you describe (late because of his xbox, can't work out which way to go, sulky, wants fans then changes his mind, spends money irresponsibly) is probably fairly normal for a 15 year old but fucking embarrassing for anyone out of their teens.

Seriously he sounds useless.

From what I can see, you did nothing wrong.

It doesn't matter if the time on his Xbox is wrong, he presumably has a phone too with the correct time on it, that he would have seen when he read the message from you to say you are leaving? He should have left at the same time as you do as it meet you when you get there, so should have left when he read the text.

The time on the Xbox is irrelevant. I don't think you were wrong to question him about it because it's a crap excuse. It makes no difference because you text him!

The cigarettes is so his fault. He should have made sure he had them beforehand, or when he made you walk to a diff part of the beach, he shouldn't have then changed his mind! Of course you were angry.

I can't see how anyone thinks you unreasonable. This is all his fault.

When I read this I thought this is a couple in there early twenties max. It’s all so teenage. So I was a little surprised when you said he was mid twenties. He’s clearly very immature for his age. Does he live with his mum and dad?

however I was shocked you were in your thirties and trailing about after this teenage acting boy. I really think it would be better going for someone more mature and more grown up.

that was a day out like two teenagers. Embarrassingly so.

Sounds like a very frustrating day - and hard on your DD - but the good news is you're not married to this man so you have the choice to make it work or say goodbye.

Sorting this revolves around one rule - DD comes first, always. Tell BF this. If he's not happy end the relationship.

If you were to do that day again how could it work better? It might be a really useful exercise for you to talk this through with BF so you understand each other and work better as a team.

So, for example,

   he's late, no phone. What's the best solution? Best for DD is you and she go and play on the beach. If he has trouble finding you it's on him.

   he's hungry, you've eaten. Can you drop your resentment, be good natured  and go with him? If so, sounds like fun for DD as she enjoys his company. She can have ice cream. 

 he want cigs. Bit of a trail along the beach so he goes and you and DD stay on beach and play. 

he apologises at top of lift. You're upset. Is there a better solution for DD than going home early?

And so on..

I agree I should have prioritised my DD which was why I was so sad when I realised I hadn't. I don't think he was testing me. He knows my DD comes (should have come) first. He is never normally late but I agree if I thought he might be the beach would have been a better place to meet.

I don't think he was trying to manipulate me by crying. He had no idea we could see him.

That's fine if you want to keep telling the story of him gaming. But I know for a fact that wasn't the case. I'm not sure there are other clocks. He things it was wrong as the WiFi had gone off. Why then? I don't know these things happen. I think he was sorting himself getting ready and didn't realise the WiFi had gone off.

Ok so it is ok for you to run late but not your bf.

She communicated she was late, and told him when she was leaving. He just didn't leave on time cos the Xbox said it wasn't the right time... Despite having a phone and receiving a text from her to say she was leaving .

Your poor dd.

Your bf can be flaky like this because he's childless but you should have prioritised dd imo.
You don't have to constantly do what he wants when he wants and it sounds like you and her were traipsing along doing what he wants which isn't how a family day out should be. It's one thing for your dates with him to be like that but dd shouldn't have had to tolerate all of the little incidents in one day like walking for cigarettes and him then changing his mind. You should have sent him to walk or drive to a place to get them tbh.

Personally as soon as I knew he was running late I would have changed the meeting point so dd could play or cancel him meeting you at all. Couldn't he have got a takeaway at the cafe ?

Surely the Xbox excuse isn't that complicated? The Xbox has the time saved on it and he was periodically checking the time while he played, he was too into the game like a child to realise that he was late.

I hope your trip on Friday is better and that the weather is good for you.

I suppose, I just feel by going along with lunch etc I was communicating it was fine, and ultimately I am DD's parent not him. A lot of posters said I was as bad as him or worse too. I take your point about him being around her a long time. He has days where I feel he is just copying his childhood (where no child was ever prioritised), he has had quite a steep learning curve with DD

Sorry OP, I feel you are getting a hard time on here and my post was not meant to criticise you. I don't think you are creating a drama. you planned a nice day out and bit by bit he consistently turned it into a drama and as a result you feel let down.
What I was trying to say was that its not your job to instruct another adult how to behave on a day out. He should know that already. Even if he had a difficult childhood and it sounds like he alludes to this, that's not really an excuse to just repeat poor behaviour since he claims to be aware of how awful it was to experience this as a child. And he's not a child. He needs to wake up or grow up.
So I don't think you were "as bad as him or worse."
I would probably have gone along with the lunch too, so as not to spoil the day, but even though you did that, he was still carrying on. As I was trying to say earlier this was a series of small things that eventually added up. It's easy at the end to say, Oh I shouldn't have said this or that, but when you are only on event 2 or 3 it's harder to call out smaller things.
However, now that you've recognised the pattern, it has given you food for thought and makes it easier for you to draw the line and decide when not to put up with the behaviour.
Of course you can as you've suggested take your DD out and give her a much nicer day and one less than perfect day out ( and we've all had those as parents) isn't going to be a permanent memory. You are a good parent to realise that it wasn't great for her and seek to put it right. A day out didn't go to plan, but there are many more that will. Best of luck

How does he get to work on time ? He must have some sort of alarm to wake up?

He hasn't a good sense of direction! He's not thick, though - he's a doctor.

I feel so sad for your dd - she stood and waited for 50th a in the sun to go on the sand, then ate a meal before she went in the sand, then walked for fags, with another empty promise she would be able to go on the sand.

In your position I would have arrived and gone straight on the beach and told your boyfriend he could meet you there. I would also have sent the selfish fuck off to eat a meal by himself and then to fetch his own fags.

Also, since it was your birthday, I bloody hope he paid for the meal for you and your dd?

And then, having behaved like a big, petulant baby, he ran up a hill and cried. Jesus Christ. The only person allowed to cry in that situation was dd.

You just seem to be making excuses for him; 'he dropped his phone in tea' 'his Xbox had a glitch' (funny that when he was meant to be meeting you) 'he was faffing' 'he's got no sense of direction' 'he ran up the steps nearly crying' 'he bought sweets for DD' 'his lateness was an accident'. It sounds like very hard work and certainly not much fun for a ten year old, ice cream or not.
You're clearly going to carry on with things as they are so not sure what you want from your post.

What are you teaching your dd about relationships here? You're showing her how to interact in a relationship, she is absorbing what she's seeing. In this case the females being subservient to the man, going where and when he wants to go for something that's just for his benefit and entirely disrupting the whole day for his sake because he comes first. Imagine this was your dd when she's older, trailing around after a man, putting him first, doing what he wants to do even though it doesn't suit the other people in the party. Putting her needs and that of her children last. Him being late and disorganised and accepting that as being ok, when it meant you and your dd were waiting around for him. Totally accepting these bullshit reasons why he can't get a watch and turn up on time. I bet he manages to get to work on time.

You just seem so passive.

Um, he's an adult yes! He lacks common sense (like many doctors) and he has a bad sense of direction. He does it when we're together - tries to lead us the wrong way! I can forgive him for that. I wouldn't say he is sulky. But the whole fags wild goose chase was super annoying!

It was in hindsight but isn’t everything! At least you’re self aware enough to realise now this wasn’t right and you can do things differently next time 😊

People are weird, I have a watch mark where I caught the sun so it was definitely warm enough.

The fact that you're now defending him tells me you're 'over it' and will carry on seeing him. Which is of course your prerogative. Only next time this happens (and it will because I married a bloke exactly like this), you'll be like ahhh maybe some of those posters were right after all..

Oh the wifi went off, sure thing

Many doctors lack common sense? How strange.
I find it really bizarre that the only thing in your boyfriends home where he can tell the time is an Xbox. How does he set his alarm to get up, or see when he actually has to be at work?

As I explained his phone was broken - that's what made it so tricky that he was late! I sent the message to his Xbox. But I agree he should have left when I sent the message - I was just trying to find out why he didn't when I brought it up!

Thank you for validating me,re:cigs! I think he was in the wrong there. But others told me I should have enjoyed the walk as part of a date!! And that I smoke a cigarette around him sometimes to look cool!! I was feeling like I was going slightly mad!