AIBU to just feel like crying?

[Tryingnottocry22]

I was really looking forward to spending the day today with my BF and DD. We decided to go down to the beach. I suggested we get an ice cream and my DD could play on the beach.

So we planned to meet at 1pm. W were running a bit late and I let him know then messaged when we were leaving. The place we were meeting took equal time to travel to for both of us. My DD and I were waiting there. We were getting very hot as there wasn't any shade. We waited 20 min and then phoned to say he was so sorry the time on his Xbox wasn't working and he thought it was earlier. He said he was heading off but ended up walking the wrong way so we had to wait another 30min rather than 10 min! Not a good start. But once he arrived we began walking to the ice cream parlour. He then said he wanted to get a meal. So I said we could go to one of the nearby cafes. It was a bit annoying as I thought it was going to be a cheap day and the cafes are quite expensive but decided to make the best of it. So we went in a cafe and ordered some food. We came on to discussing why he was late. I couldn't understand why he didn't just leave when I said I was so we would be there at the same time. But he got exasperated with me keeping on reiterating the time on his Xbox was wrong.

Anyway, we changed the subject and had a pleasant chat. After our meal we went over to the beach, got DD an ice cream and were about to go on the sand. BF said he needed to buy cigarettes. There is no where on the seafront to buy cigarettes! So I suggested we walk further up the beach nearer the high st so we could go on the beach and he could go and get cigarettes. We finally got there and he decided actually he didn't want cigarettes. I snapped at him about this and he accused me of wanting to have a cigarette and that's why I was annoyed (I sometimes have the odd cigarette around him but generally don't smoke). Some cross words ensued and he stormed off. DD was a bit worried about what had happened, understandably and I'd had enough so after a short while we decided to go home. We waited for the lift to the top of the cliffs. When we were in the lift I could see him frantically running up the steps and we both arrived at the top at the same time. He was close to tears, said he'd come back looking for us. He apologised profusely.

By this point I just felt like crying. I feel like he is always so defensive. Like I was trying to figure out what happened with him being late, but I feel he is so ready to fight back he doesn't really listen to what I'm asking. Or like with the cigarettes he turns it round onto me. I just wanted my DD to have a nice day on the beach. I've apologised to her (as has BF) and BF got her some sweets on the way home so she was happy. We just don't seem to be able to communicate. Can things improve or is it best to just break up. I love him very much and he has a very kind heart. He had a bad childhood so I think never learnt healthy ways to communicate. I just feel so sad about it.

He sounds like another child, TBH. You'd have had a much better time if you just went by yourself with DD. My 13 year old DD could come up with a better excuse for being late than "My XBox wasn't working."

I'll also say it sounds like faults on both sides. When he was late, surely the thing to do was to say "well you're here now, let's get on with the day" and keep any explanations/discussions until later.

As for the rest you could have said no to a meal or just found a cafe where he could have a meal and you and your dd could have an ice cream, same as the cigarettes - find a spot on the beach and say meet us here when you have got some.

100%

Despite the flak you are getting here, OP, you are answering with good grace. All the best to you.
But please do get rid of this flaky man-child

As I said he wasn't playing a game (as I can see what he is doing as we are 'friends' on Xbox). But what the hell is wrong with gaming? I play games with my DC. BF, myself and DD have all played Minecraft together. People worry about what their DC are doing online - well maybe try playing with them! I don't really watch TV but wouldn't put someone else down for doing it. Lots of adults play electronic games or there wouldn't be 18 rated games! Even if he was gaming and loss track of time? So what? It was an accident. He's never normally late!

However, he didn't lie to me! He wasn't gaming! He was just listening to music. He got confused with the time and I couldn't phone him.

I agree

To me it sounds like he was too busy on his xbox, and forgot the time.
His xbox is taking priority over your relationship.
maybe in future just take your daughter to the beach.

He wasn't gaming! He was on You Tube listening to music as I said I could see so know that is the truth. Why would I lie about this?! I'm just trying to give a balanced view. He did wrong but this was not it! He did not gas light me!!

Absolutely nothing wrong with gaming, OP, I've always gamed with my DC. I think people are focusing on that despite you saying multiple times that he wasn't gaming!

It sounds like you were both a bit stressed and it all just got a bit on top of you. I can see how the lateness thing could easily have happened and how it was made more difficult because you couldn't update each other by phone once he'd left the house, and he was probably really flustered and so on by the time he got there, while you'd been wondering where the hell he was. I can also imagine that he didn't really think it was a big deal to go to a cafe and couldn't really see why that would be a problem.

The cigarettes thing is annoying; if he wanted a cigarette he should have gone to get them by himself. But he can't have wanted one that much anyway, given that he changed his mind. So yes, he was being a twat there and I can see why you were annoyed.

Overall, though, unless this sort of thing always happens when you go anywhere with him, it sounds like maybe just 'one of those days'. He obviously does have communication problems and is probably also really insecure, hence him feeling attacked when you question/criticise him - but that's not your fault. The fact that he was almost in tears when he came to find you suggests that he knows he messed up, I think.

You mention you both work in hospitals - I'm guessing that means you both might deal with some really difficult situations quite often? Is he maybe struggling a bit and finding it hard to decompress?

Maybe buy him a clock for Christmas. Seriously though if him being late didn’t bother you, why go on about it so much?

I think this is very spot on thank you.

He definitely was a pain in the arse, yesterday!

Agree. Gaming is one of those things that Mumsnet is really weird about. To fixate on it when the OP has said a billion times that he wasn't gaming is absurd.

Xbox is an entertainment centre, not just a gaming console. I rarely game on mine. It's for watching Netflix and YouTube on the "big TV" in my house.

I'm definitely not worried about the gaming aspect, I'm more worried that he relies on his XBox to tell the time and I couldn't get past that. Worst excuse for lateness I have ever heard, he sounds about ten years old.

It's like a broken record now - there was no gaming! Xboxes can be used for all sorts not just gaming!

But yes, I don't think there was any problem me raising it, but maybe I could have chosen a different time. And of course he would have been quicker if he hadn't walked the wrong way! He does have a bad sense of direction.

I agree with those red flags as we can't communicate if not done calmly. Thank you for the advice.

Well, he didn't need to come up with an excuse as he had a legitimate reason. I could just go along with these theories but I know he was telling the truth about this. No issue at all.

That does make sense. I should have discussed it with him later. And yes, your other comments make sense too.

Thank you so much.

That could well of been the case (though not gaming!), but as he isn't usually late, I can give him the benefit of the doubt that it wasn't intentional.

I thought this. OP, you could have been playing on the beach for that hour. When he went to get cigarettes you could have stayed somewhere with DD and just got on with playing or doing something fun. He’s the one tagging on with you and DD but it seems like it’s DD doing the tagging along (my brother is like this with my niece and his new GF and it’s infuriating seeing her tagging along and traipsing around with what they want to do).

Also why are people querying the weather? ‘It was raining here in X where are you that’s it sunny?’ (In a disbelieving tone) It was lovely and warm where I was too, there isn’t homogenous weather for the U.K. you know, that’s why we have a weather map for the U.K. and the presenter doesn’t just say ‘it’s raining in the U.K.’ today 🤣🙄

Sorry for making yet another reference to gaming. :) Doesn't change it for me - listening to music, watching something whatever. Context is everything here. I am a person who is frequently late for stuff. But when you're dating, you're usually in "best foot forward" mode - I feel like those red flags (the inability to discuss without rage, the storming off in the presence of a young child) in a grown man during the dating stage indicate much much more strife for you down the road. I don't know how long you've been together, but again, I believe you can do better. Be really really wary of your inner voice saying things like "I could have chosen a different time" as "explanations" for emotionally abusive behaviour. That's a very slippery slope that you don't want to go down.

Yes, this is a good summary. It was 'just one of those days', I think! But yes the cigarette thing was super annoying. And we definitely have some communication problems. I hadn't though of him feeling insecure, thank you. And yes, he knew he had messed up and apologised to myself and DD. I accepted his apology but obviously I wouldn't want that sort of thing happening again especially round DD.

Yes, we do deal with some difficult things. I do think he was perhaps a bit stressed and finding it hard to relax.

Ha it's birthday soon - a clock could be an ideal present!!

The lateness bothered me when we were waiting, but as it was an accident and he's not normally late, when he finally arrived I was just pleased to see him!

It just came up when we were at the café and I wondered why he hadn't just left when I told him we were. I think he felt I was criticising him. But I really didn't mean to. He just comes across as not always having the best common sense!