Obese daughter 14 years old

[MochaShots]

As the title says, my 14 year old daughter is obese. She weighs 17 stone and I am so desperately sad for her.

I take full responsibility for letting it get this bad, but because of her poor mental health, I've struggled to be strict enough to see through any health changes we've tried to implement.

I know what a healthy diet looks like, what portion size she should be having, good fats, bad fats, enough protein etc. It is not that I am not educated. The problem I have is the lack of will power to stick it out. She is on the CAMH'S waiting list regarding her mental health, and I've requested a nutritionist, but the waiting list is so long.

She is so fragile mentally, that I always cave in and allow her bigger portion sizes or treats. But, even when I've tried to make adjustments to her diet, I cannot get her to increase her activity. Realistically now, she has gotten so big that she genuinely struggles to walk more than 10 mins without her legs chafing or her feet hurting. I cannot afford paid activities, and she also lacks the confidence. I've tried encouraging slow walks to build herself up to gradual fitness, but she refuses as I know she knows she will feel pain or discomfort.

Until she gets help with her mental health, I feel I'm fighting a losing battle.

Given that I eat a reasonably healthy diet, and am active and that I know about healthy eating and cooking- what can i do to help my daughter take steps to get healthy?

I've tried every approach I can think of including a delicate conversation - a blunt conversation about the negative effects on her heart (I try not to make it about her appearance). I've tried to make things fun and take the emphasis off of weight, but she doesn't like any activities at all. She goes to school, then comes home and sits around while I'm at work. Weekends she refuses to join us on bike rides, walks etc.

I have to be careful not to make it a battle by issuing sanctions as her mental health is incredibly fragile.

Please help!

You need to be the strong one here and change the meals you cook and her potions sizes. Get rid of all 'treats' in the house and do this as a family.

Thank you :-)

I have spoken with the school at length regarding her emotional wellbeing, weight and the bullying. They've been very supportive but their in school services are overstretched since the pandemic, so my daughter hasn't had any input from them yet.

I've had counselling and it has helped, but I think I'd benefit from more. Like most parents, I tend to put myself at the bottom of the pile, but I guess if I'm the root of the problem I should really look at getting more help.

As a lifetime long obese woman who was as large as your daughter at her age , do not make it about food, about how she looks, about health, about self esteem. Instead get her Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and treated for depression. Get her assessed for neurodiversity.

to help her feel more comfortable and confident I’d reccomend looking at the clothes on www.mannersldn.com . Made from great quality stretchy thick cotton, which supports your body without constricting.

look at the body positivity movement and Genuinely love her for who she is regardless of her weight.

Changing a diet is hard at that age and enforcing it, espcially with MH. My situation wasnt the same but when I was a pre-teen I had a raft of fillings due to weak enanel and basically the dentist forced me to go sugar free. My parents went a bit OTT with sugary foods / processed foods due to ignorance (this was 25yrs ago).

I was a very active child so that is probably why I didnt gain weight but it affected my teeth considerably. It was a shock to the system at first (no museli bars, jam, pop, chips etc) but I remember my mum taking me around the supermarket and I could decide (within reason) what healthy snacks I could eat, I started to learn home made baking and cook healthy foods. So my advice would be if you could start making meals together, even if its not everyday becuase you have other DC but it could help her see the benefits in healthy heating and cooking / baking skills.

These healthy habits have stayed with me for life and I am a good cook.

It sounds like you have had a tough few years

*aargh weak enamel

Just to echo what a previous poster put on about the right shoes. I’m overweight and following a walking holiday I had severe tendonitis in my ankles and was referred to a podiatrist. I was wearing sketchers at my appointment and he said however light and padded they were they were completely the wrong thing for my feet as the support was just not there. I was told to buy running shoes that will not squish in when you squeeze the back of the heel and are solid. I was told to get a slight incline rather than completely flat and to buy slightly bigger and get an orthotic insole to support my arch. I buy ASICS trainers and orthotics from Boots. I cannot tell you what a revelation this has been I can now walk several miles without any pain and have had no reoccurrence of the tendonitis

That's really interesting, as I have an ADHD diagnosis, but never went down the medication route. How did you get on with the medication in terms of side effects?

I hear ADHD is usually hereditary, so I wonder now if there's a possibility my daughter could be? My youngest has ASD, so it could be possible?!

I agree with the PP who talked about adding things: more water, more veg etc.

You can also say to her that the pair of you will start to do HIIT together online. Some sessions are as short as 5 minutes. Start by doing a 5 minute session together every day for a week. then graduate onto a 7 minute session for a week, then 10 etc. After 2 weeks she'll be seeing and feeling the benefit which is an incentive in itself.

You could also look up This Girl Can classes nearby as they are designed ot encourage people who aren't normally fit or confident about sport participation.

Also try some Jessamyn Stanely yoga online. She is an obese yoga teacher who can even do headstands. She's a very positive encouraging role model for overweight people who want to get more active.

Maybe also stock up on lots of tiny non food 'treats' and reward your daughter and yourself with non-food treats every time you complete a fitness session. E.g. a magazine, lip balm, face mask, bath bomb, hair accessory, ear cuff, fluffy socks etc. You can pick stuff up from Primark and Poundland. Use the word treat to reinforce the idea that treats can be non-food based.

@MochaShots have you considered that your daughter might be neurodiverse too?

A lot of autistic girls also have ADHD which means they suffer from emotional dysregulation and this, as well as their impulsivity, leads to binge eating.

I've only recently been diagnosed as having ADHD and couldn't diet before this as I couldn't control my impulses. I lost a stone in the first few weeks of starting ADHD meds as my emotions where stable and I wasn't driven by impulse. I no longer binge eat on a regular basis but I understanding dieting will never work for me unless I am medicated.

Excellent posts from NeverDropYourMooncup

I so feel for your DD.

The GP slimming world suggestion was daft. There isn't any need to weigh weekly anyway.
It's more encouraging to notice your clothes are a little bit looser than they were.

I also think that low carb would help to get rid of the cravings.
Certain foods, no matter how much I eat, I'd never feel full.

Instead of giving more food when you know she's already eaten but still feels hungry, have her drink a glass of water and then get up and do something else to distract. Those hunger craving do go away.

The suggestions for heavy exercise right now aren't good. That's all she needs to to have an injury.

I've done this simple exercise when I had a sprained ankle and wasn't able to do much.
You just stand up, legs a little bit apart, soft knees, then start punching like boxing. She can look on youtube for the different types of punches, hook, jab, upper cut, etc. Then put on a song and punch away.

Best wishes to you and your DD.

You sound like you're doing the best you can by her. A few things:
1.No one can change every habit, all at once. Change one thing at a time, and start with what the easiest thing to change for her will be. Once that sticks, add something else. You write that you have tried to get her to change her diet AND add movement at the same time and for someone who isn't in a great mental place that may just be too much at once. Pick what's easiest for her.
2.She can't out-move the amount of fuel she is putting in. Apps, trackers, and websites almost universally get it wrong with the calculations on calorie burn -- anywhere from a modest 40% to over 90% overestimate on it. Until she finds something she likes to do, this should probably get less focus.

I'm very overweight, more than your daughter. I started using Noom last week to lose weight. I've lost 12.2 lbs. in the first week. I assume the Noom app is available in the UK, but if not there might be something similar. It focuses on calorie counting and the psychology of weight loss. She needs to exercise, because we all do, but weight is 80% diet. So I would focus on that first, then once she's got some weight off, she might feel better exercising.

You may also want to invest in a set of hand weights, just two to start. Lifting weights builds muscle and helps burn off calories, and you can do a lot of the upper body stuff sitting in a chair. You can start small, too, 3lbs or 5lbs, and build up to heavier weights once those become too easy to lift.

Is she binge eating? I’d recommend a book called brain over binge - really helped me reframe emotional eating.
Hopefully another tool along with the things that have been suggested. I think you’ve been brave to post. Honestly if my mum had helped me resolve my urge to eat at 14 it would have changed the course of my life

I have been very clear that my DGS has PICA tendencies and is more extreme, but that is not the major cause of him being overweight. It just makes it more difficult to manage.

If OP’s daughter is overeating due to a psychological issue, then she will find the food somehow.

Buying food would not make an anorexic eat – they become very devious and manipulative and will hide all the evidence – the same is true for over eaters

Honestly, I’ve had a lifetime of not Not being able to control my weight and it started when I was a child and even my family and mums well-meaning attempts to try and help me just made my mental health worse. Imagine the whole world and the ones you love dearest all just being centred on getting you to do something that actually isn’t mentally or physically possible for you. And that your self-worth and what everybody thinks and you is married to the thing that you can’t do. It’s only as an adult that I’ve realised that my ADHD and dyspraxia and my mental health issues that came from my parents divorce my father is abusive behaviour mean that controlling my way it’s near on impossible for me. I’ve enjoyed years of self loathing and paranoia and hatred from people around me for something that I can’t cope with I can’t deal with and I can’t affect. Please don’t give this to your daughter. Yes physical health is important but more important is letting her know that she is loved regardless of what she weighs what she looks like and that her self-worth shouldn’t be married to that and she can exist in the world is an obese woman and that it’s okay to be obese to make yourself feel comfortable to make yourself feel loved and not have to continually try and lose weight. Everybody just try and imagine that something that you actually physically mentally were not able to do was constantly demanded of you. That’s what happens to people who are obese I’ve had 40 years now of being obese and not being able to diet not being able to lose weight. surely by now people would think that I can’t lose weight I can’t diet but I still deserve to have a happy life and not constantly be harangued and scared and told off for this. But now every time I go to see a health professional I’m still told off and still made to feel like that shit teenager I was, that shit child, that horrible person can never try and control her weight. Please just love your daughter regardless of what she Weighs.

@MochaShots I missed your post when I was writing mine.

I take Elvanase, which at a high dose is also used to treat binge eating disorder. I found the first 6 weeks really rough but its worth sticking with it as I have all the benefits without any side effects now.

Look at the Right to Choose pathway (a private diagnosis funded by the NHS) and maybe Psychiatry UK as the private provider. There's also a neurodiverse mumsnetters board who can provide advice.

I was just coming on to post that if your youngest has ASD it is quite possible your daughter also just. It presents very differently in girls but issues with food are common. A lot of her mental health issues could also be due to ASD.
Not everyone with asd has a problem with what they will eat but I believe regulation of food is particularly hard. DH has ASD and he struggles not to comfort eat. I think he gets a sensory fulfilment from eating whereas others dislike the sensory textures and smells from eating.
I would ask your gp to refer her for an assessment. She may need specialist counselling tailored to someone with asd.
it is often hereditary. Obviously I don’t j let the full background some of the issues you mention with their father suggest it might come from his side of the family?

Sorry also just read that you have adhd so the comment about the father may not be relevant. Asd and adhd are very interlinked.

OP you're absolutely right that you can't get a handle on her weight until you get help with her mental health. OP I can't help much but I would advise that you can't wait. I have been waiting 84 weeks for help for something unrelated and am told regularly without any humour or apology that I should be soon. Every day you wait is a day less she has help and a day of more weight gain. She may get help soon or you may have a wait, but something needs to be done in the meantime. Best of luck with it all

If she suffers from foot pain due to her weight have a look at vionic shoes and trainers. They are orthopaedic without looking like granny shoes and the trainers come in a variety of colours and styles which will appeal to a teen. They really help with planter fasciitis. The website simply feet always has some good offers on vionics. They are the only shoes I wear and really help.

DC that have a sibling with ASD are 4 times more likely to have ADHD than DC from families with no history of ASD. If your youngest has ASD, there is also an increased chance that your DD may also have undiagnosed ASD, especially as she has always struggled to make friends. Have you looked at how girls with ASD present differently from boys and considered if your DD might also be on the spectrum? Hyperphagia, a need to eat that is more than hunger, can be a symptom of ASD as much as a restrictive diet. Your DD could be sensory seeking when she craves food, rather than hungry. There has also been research that suggests some people with ASD are hypersensitive to pain, which would make it even harder for your DD to exercise.

I've only read your posts, not the whole thread, so someone else may have suggested this. Rather than reducing portion size significantly, have you tried reducing the unhealthy parts of each meal gradually? If you just reduce them by 10%, the difference should be hardly noticeable. Then the next week you reduce by a further 10% etc. The same with replacing unhealthy snacks with healthy snacks. Start with replacing some of the unhealthy snacks, not all of them in one go.

My heart goes out to you OP. You’ve had a really tough time and so has your daughter. Can you see if there are any community based free or almost free counselling services which you can avail of? This is deeper than educating your daughter about good eating habits. She probably knows how she’s eating is dysfunctional. That being said, a radical overhaul of the diet is clearly needed and you need to lead from the front on this. You’ve gotten great advice here about limiting portion size as well as advice on shoes and clothing. It’s going to be very very challenging and it will not be solved overnight. Do you have any supportive family members nearby? Your daughter needs a lot of kindness and maybe an aunt or a cousin to help out and help her with her confidence levels. There’s more to her than her weight. She has value as a person no matter what size she is. I think little girls sometimes feel the impact of a lack of a positive father in their lives more than boys. She’s traumatised but her weight is making the situation more traumatic. Best of luck.

I want to reach through the screen and give you a big hug, which I know isn’t very MN!
You have been given a hard time by people on here who aren’t understanding this isn’t about healthy eating and exercise.
Taking exercise out of the equation, you say she doesn’t want to do bike rides or walks but what does she enjoy doing for fun? I wonder if you can start exploring some social activities that might just be fun for her. It’ll give her an opportunity to meet others, outside of school, and build her confidence. I wonder if boredom is playing a role too. I appreciate funds may be tight, but do have a look at any low cost activities. She’s probably lost all motivation, which is sad, she is so young.

I agree with your point about getting help from an external source like a dietitian. You’re right that she probably sees you as nagging mum because she’s at that age. A dietitian can work with her to
make a meal plan that’s personalised just for her and she can take some responsibility for what she eats. There’s no point in offering kale and lentils if she won’t eat it or stick to it.

Could she change schools, is that an option? Starting afresh can be a challenge but can also be the making of some young people.

I wish you luck. It sounds like hard work for you both but I think you’ll find a way to better health and more happiness for your whole family. It’s not an insurmountable task and you do sound motivated and ready for change.

@MochaShots - yes - I wondered, once you mentioned your son being ASD...

As you know, both ASD and ADHD present themselves differently in girls, and teachers in particular mightn't notice it.

ADHD medication isn't a magic bullet - I still struggle to do my tasks, but at least I'm more likely to do them!

The doctors do keep an eye on your blood pressure and so on because the medication adds further pressure.

Equally, Type II diabetes is serious, as is depression, and not being able to function normally.

In terms of side effects: my dose is pretty low. The main side effects at the start were mild insomnia (which passed), appetite loss (much less now) and jaw-clenching (which I made an effort to stop - that's now passed too).

The benefits were being more aware of time, and being able to do my tasks, and just feeling a bit more like a human being. I find it easier to cope with family life, rather than zoning out because I'm completely frazzled all the time.

I've also found that if I accidentally miss a dose for a day or two, I can tell the difference - but don't have cravings or jitters or anything like that. Coming off caffeine was much tougher!

@MochaShots i haven’t read the full thread but seen @NeverDropYourMooncups excellent post. Just to add another couple of recommendations for you - Ecco shoes have fantastic underfoot support and arch support. Most have a removable insole allowing you to vary the width of the shoe and to fit an orthotic if required. You’d be able to get some shoes for exercise and something comfortable for school if she needed to wear an orthotic.
Not sure if they’ve already been recommended but the Big Bloomers Company do fantastic “chub rub” shorts. They do various lengths and colours and are very thin and lightweight. They come in sizes 8-36 I believe! They’re light enough to wear under dresses or trousers 😊

As for exercise - does she enjoy gaming etc? Would anything like the Wii Fit or perhaps one of the old dance mats that were so popular encourage her to move a bit more? Maybe she’d feel more comfortable starting off exercising in the house in a fun way than going to any structured activity etc?