Obese daughter 14 years old

[MochaShots]

As the title says, my 14 year old daughter is obese. She weighs 17 stone and I am so desperately sad for her.

I take full responsibility for letting it get this bad, but because of her poor mental health, I've struggled to be strict enough to see through any health changes we've tried to implement.

I know what a healthy diet looks like, what portion size she should be having, good fats, bad fats, enough protein etc. It is not that I am not educated. The problem I have is the lack of will power to stick it out. She is on the CAMH'S waiting list regarding her mental health, and I've requested a nutritionist, but the waiting list is so long.

She is so fragile mentally, that I always cave in and allow her bigger portion sizes or treats. But, even when I've tried to make adjustments to her diet, I cannot get her to increase her activity. Realistically now, she has gotten so big that she genuinely struggles to walk more than 10 mins without her legs chafing or her feet hurting. I cannot afford paid activities, and she also lacks the confidence. I've tried encouraging slow walks to build herself up to gradual fitness, but she refuses as I know she knows she will feel pain or discomfort.

Until she gets help with her mental health, I feel I'm fighting a losing battle.

Given that I eat a reasonably healthy diet, and am active and that I know about healthy eating and cooking- what can i do to help my daughter take steps to get healthy?

I've tried every approach I can think of including a delicate conversation - a blunt conversation about the negative effects on her heart (I try not to make it about her appearance). I've tried to make things fun and take the emphasis off of weight, but she doesn't like any activities at all. She goes to school, then comes home and sits around while I'm at work. Weekends she refuses to join us on bike rides, walks etc.

I have to be careful not to make it a battle by issuing sanctions as her mental health is incredibly fragile.

Please help!

MochaShots I am so sorry, this is so hard.

My child is also mentally ill, 17 and obese.

The bigger picture here is the mental health, as you rightly recognize, and the lack of exercise for your child.

I agree to more water, more veg, etc and the idea of an exercise bike.

It is, in my opinion, really important not to feel guilty or make her feel guilty. It does not help. My child has been suicidal and very physically ill for years and I have done all I can. I have battled my weight and my child's! Finally, potentially thanks to some Sertraline anti depression pills on my part, I have started to feel better and eat better after years of bad eating. I have started to lose weight

At the same time my child has started to feel feel physically better and has started to be more careful with food and trying to get a little exercise. Luckily, eating better and better exercise are leading (tentatively) to better mood.

It's a marathon not a sprint. We have treat a couple of times a week - sorbet or ice cream, chocolate etc. I've mostly cut out bread and sugar. i'm doing a bit of cooking from scratch. I would suggest you try and engage your daughter in helping you with limited shopping and cooking.

Even pushing the trolley round the supermarket with you is exercise and she can see healthier options. Stick to the fruit and veg and main meal aisles, avoiding the chocolate and treats (hard but doable). Make shopping visits short, no time to linger at the treats aisle.

If she feels embarrassed being out, go at times when it will be quieter. But don't mention it if she doesn't.

being overweight is not good but your relationship with her, her mental health and her long term health are the goals here.

Good luck. XXX

Snag tights also do good leggings, tights, chub rub shorts to keep her comfortable .

i have nothing useful to say that others haven't said better, but I too wanted to reach through the screen and give you a big hug. Your love for your DD is very apparent and you have a lot on your plate. I hope some of the suggestions here work.

Slimming World for a 14 year old. It's no fucking wonder this country has an obesity problem when that's the advice being handed out by GPs. Jesus Christ. (Sorry OP, not angry at you, just angry at our health system which does absolutely nothing to help obese people all while continually scapegoating and abusing them.)

I've been obese since an operation at 16 to remove a large cyst (I also have PCOS). I'm only just now getting on top of it at 37. I recommend the following for your daughter:

• See your GP about referral to Stage 3 weight management to get her on Saxenda/Wegovy as soon as she becomes eligible.
• Intermittent fasting - her fasting window should be shorter than an adult's but she should still be able to do, say, 13-14 hours.
• Low carb - this is so important for people with PCOS, and the less you have the less you crave. You should do this too. The recipes in the Fast 800 books are great.

It's not my mum's fault that I'm obese. Blaming her would get me nowhere. Don't let your daughter think this is your fault, either. Yes, you can (and will) do more to support her, but she has to take responsibility for her own health, otherwise she will never succeed in tackling the issue.

Please also note that the above advice only works if she wants to lose weight. If she doesn't, she won't, and you can't make her, as heartbreaking as that is.

Sweepingeyelashes "I'm sorry and I know I haven't walked in your shoes, but how could you let your 14 year old daughter get so much food that she weighs 17 stone?"

It's actually very easy for a mentally ill person to put on weight, especially if they are not physically active. The key bit of your statement here is "I haven't walked in your shoes" if you had you would not need to ask how this could happen.

Please do not make the OP feel guilty, she is already carrying a lot already.

If I had not seen it with my own eyes, I would not understand how easy it is for mental health to destroy physical health.

OP please keep CAMHS updated with the issues as and when you can, she needs to be seen soon.

PS We had to keep contacting CAMHS, my child attempted suicide and you need to tell them of any issues as and when. Another friend's child was very ill and she also had to keep updating them. Mental health services are very bad at the moment, overstretched. The pandemic did lots of unseen damage to waiting lists, i think. One thing i always told mental services if I work from home and can come at short notice, we got cancellations and got seen for services quicker because we could come at short notice, worth a try.

One thing i always told medical services is I work from home and can come at short notice, we got cancellations and got seen for services quicker because we could come at short notice, worth a try. (If you do not work from home but have a sympathetic boss you can also say that!)

You've had a lot to deal with over the years eventually leaving you feeling smothered and helpless.

I'm glad you posted today, if anything it shows you are not alone and this isn't about food it is a very complicated situation.

Best of luck.

I also meant to add - are there any healthier foods that she sees as comfort foods - like chilli con carne, home-made rice pudding, breakfast porridge (or flapjacks - anything with oats), shepherd's pie, Thai curry made at home, soup with soba noodles? Anything with high umami. Part of the strategy might be to ramp that up a bit.

Slow cookers have changed my life, saving money, effort, fuel bills. I have two on the go right now - carrot and lentil soup in one, coconut milk rice pudding in the other. They even work for baked potato if you crisp them up in the oven or on a hob at the end.

Also - many cups of tea!

It's really hard by the time they're that age because so much of the daily food intake is outside of your control so it really has to be something she wants to do as well. You can do your best at home, but she has all day out at school and on the journey to stuff her face with other stuff. My daughter's school is the worst because they let you keep spending at the tuck shop even when you have no credit on your card, so even limiting the amount of money I give doesn't work, it just racks up debt.

Having said that, although the main focus should be on helping her to want to lose weight for herself, there are things you can do with the food while you continue to try to get MH support: as a start you need to not have any snack/ 'treat' foods in the house (better for your wallet as well!), because you both lack the control to make sure she only has a moderate amount, and cutting them out altogether is for many people easier than limiting portion size. The other children will complain, and she will be miserable, but you need to stick to it. See that as something that is about your self-control rather than her emotions and it might help you to see that you're doing it for her good. You can suggest a form of intermittent fasting, if you think it might work, but try for something that you can all do together as a family so she's not singled out to go hungry while everyone else eats.

After that, it depends on how much time you have for cooking. We try to always have a homemade soup on the go (they last a few days each), which can be eaten as a starter for supper, or as a snack when they first get home from school, which fills them up whilst being low in calories. We pack the veg in and use some lentils or other legumes to make it more filling. That way, when you get to the main course/actual supper, they're not starving and liable to binge. If you can't reduce overall portion sizes yet, you can change the balance of each food group so there's still a full plate but it's got fewer calories. And only cook enough carbs for one portion each. So measure out things like pasta and rice before cooking and serve them up so that everyone gets the right sized portion. That way, if she does absolutely insist on more, she'd have to wait at least 15 minutes for another portion to cook.

For activities, a lot of clubs in London have discounts or supported places etc. for families who are struggling. My dd does a quite niche sport (luckily London has everything!) because there's no way she'd do a team sport or anything which required showing a lot of flesh, and even they have financial assistance available. It would be good for her to meet a group of people out of school. Even if it's not sport, something to take up her time and give her another focus outside school could be helpful.

You also will need to chase up the CAMHS and nutrionist referrals to make sure they know that she needs help urgently. Get the school and the GP involved. Ask the school if there are any other routes into counselling/ MH support (there are various schemes/ partnerships they might be part of), and if not then least try to get them to write more forcefully in support of the need for CAMHS intervention or chase it up with the team, some schools are much better than others at advocating for their pupils' referrals and it can make a difference.

💐 Just wanted to try to help with cheaper footwear. I'm very overweight but NHS so on my feet all day. Sketchers are no use as the soles are too soft to be supportive when you are heavy, if you can twist the shoe in the middle they won't work. For many years I've found the cheaper Nike trainers work for me (although did have the air soles ones once and they were great but too expensive now). I usually find cheaper at sports direct, just bought new ones for £45, and if you shop in the men's area they have a naturally wider fit than the ladies..... So long as she is a size 6 or over of course. You definately need ones with arch supports and plenty of cushioning inside, no totally flat inners like converse as they cause footpain if worn for any length of time.

Our local council swimming pool has an obese session (I think it needs a medical referral) when the pool is completely closed to all, apart from those taking part, so that they can get some exercise that doesn't need weight-bearing without feeling embarrassed at people staring. Long shot, but maybe your pool might have the same? Or how about referral to a hospital/clinic hydrotherapy pool? Swimming/being in water is such a liberating way to get exercise.

Love her. As she is.

help her access mental health support

help her find out we’re she is on the neurodiversity spectrum and help her get the appropriate support

help her feel comfortable and confident in we’ll fitting clothes/shoes

love her as she is

My daughter is nearly 19 and has become housebound due to mental health issues, she must have put on 3 stone over the past 3 years its heartbreaking. I just typed a very long message to you and lost it but I really just wanted to say there's an exceptional eating disorder charity called TalkED (also covers disordered eating):

www.talk-ed.org.uk - they have their own dietician who can give advice in the context of mental health.

Also just wanted to recommend the parents helpline here:
www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/

My GP said that putting on weight is not usually accepted as an eating disorder as they're only concerned with people who have anorexia and so may have a very low body weight.

These kind of thing might help with her feet pain when walking, I notice a fair difference with and without a support on.
Socks

All the best, op, definitely not an easy situation with a quick fix.

At 22 stone (and decreasing), I was never the largest person at;

The local council gyms (Better Gyms manage them in a lot of places) - and they're most likely to have a teenager membership
Solutions Health & Fitness
A ratty old kickboxing studio and gym
The Gym Group
Easy Gym
Pure Gym (the only potential problem there is they tend to have pod style entrances, although requesting pre-authorised access to the disabled slide door would avoid any claustrophobic complications for the widest of us). Pure Gym is 16+, so not suitable for the OP's DD right now.

I've never gone posh, but I would be perfectly happy to walk into a Nuffield as well. I have a slight suspicion that I'd hear 'unleash the hounds' if I went into a David Lloyd, but that's more on the basis of the cost of the things, rather than my size.

If all you do is hit the Concept II/Rowing machine for ten minutes warm up and then spend 20 mins doing non weight bearing leg work before a ten minutes warm down on the Concept again, never getting exhausted, never going near the heart pounding dizziness and pain of high impact exercise (after all, if you're larger, you're doing more weightbearing exercise than anybody else just moving during the day) - and manage that half hour or so 3 times a week, perhaps with one of those sessions having you do a few arm and back exercises instead, you'll see huge differences within a month. I promise. And if you have one with a pool (and steam room/sauna), you will feel amazing.

By the way, for anybody suggesting ordering trainers online through a plus size shop - DON'T. You need actual shoes that are the correct size, width, with removable insoles to enable the use of orthotics and designed to support you through exercise, not the casual shoes the other places flog because they're a bit wider (or at least want you to think that).

Running shops are great, they aren't scary, they're all about getting you what you need rather than judging - after all, if they keep your feet/body and you happy, they're going to see you come back in six months to a year to get your next pair. And they can see you're heavier without drawing attention to it, recommending something more fit for purpose.

Quick brag: We just went to the gym, by the way (hence not being on here after posting). I've just knocked 3 and a half minutes off my 2000m rowing time. Fastest I have ever done and it didn't even feel that bad, just needing a couple of seconds to get my breath back normal afterwards. I am so chuffed about this! Which is one reason why it's so good to do - I achieve something worthwhile every time, whether it's as spectacular as that or just the fact that I went.

Dieting is shit. Avoid fast 800s, why we eat too much (as that's by somebody who ultimately says there's no point and only gastric bypasses work once you're obese - the way he makes his living, coincidentally), Slimming World, Weightwatchers or any such restrictive and punitive shit. But doing stuff that makes you feel good? Fantastic. Eating food that tastes nice, looks nice, makes you well? Fantastic. Knowing that you are achieving something, doing something healthy, something that is purely for your benefit and nobody else's? That's the best bit of all.

OP wrote The problem I have is the lack of will power to stick it out.,........... I've requested a nutritionist............. I always cave in and allow her bigger portion sizes

So, there's no point talking to a nutritionist, is there? You have to take responsibility for yourself.

DD is just a child, YOU cater for DD, provide whatever food and temptation is put in front of her.

<www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-antidepressant-diet/201110/is-someone-in-your-life-enabling-you-gain-weight>

""If we really want people to reach and stay at a healthy weight, we must make eating enablers aware of what they are doing and convince them to stop. This approach has worked successfully with families and friends who are supporting people in their recovery from alcoholism."

Having large pieces of exercise equipment at home can be a bit of a battleground sometimes, they are expensive and if your DD isn't enthusiastic about using them or her initial enthusiasm turns to rejection, then it can be a bone of contention, lots of the 'look how much I paid for that and you won't use it' type. Been there

There are lots of small and varied pieces of exercise equipment that you can use at home, like a Pilates ring, twist board, resistance bands, rollers etc. to encourage fitness alongside walking. They can be picked up and put down anytime, used in the home or in the garden, used for just a few minutes or built up into a regime. Have a look on 66fit.co.uk/ as they include instruction videos.

Do you have stairs with a handrail? Something like using the bottom step, one step up forwards with both feet, then one step down backwards with both feet using the handrail for balance can be a very good exercise.

Callanetics is a deep muscle exercise that uses few props, so again easy to do at home. I have the book from the 80's and wondered if it's outdated now, but it's still going strong, lots of videos on youtube. Like everyone else I was drawn to the only moving muscles half an inch for a superb toned figure, don't underestimate how much it can hurt until you get used to doing it

Lots of people think exercise is expensive, or something you need to go to a venue to do, but there's a lot you can do at home.

You've had some great advice here, let's hope your DD's soon on the road to a healthier future.

This is really interesting and something I will definitely look into. I think there are a whole heap of mental health problems to unpick, which is what I hope CAMH'S can help us get to the bottom of. I know for me having ADHD, I can be impulsive but also incredibly disorganised and never able to finish tasks. I suspect a big reason I never stick to my guns with my daughters eating, is because I find it really difficult to stick to many things in general and because she is so resistant, I give in too easily and feel sorry for her- which is ridiculous as it would be more beneficial to her if I was stronger.

I'm glad you managed to get yourself sorted :-)

I get the outrage, I really do, especially for people like yourself who haven't been in this position. I imagine it's very hard to comprehend- I get that. But you have either not read the full thread, or are ignoring the fact that I've already stated my reasons for wanting a nutritionist. I am hoping that by having a professional on board, my daughter is likely to listen and respond if it is someone other than myself.

I have already stated that I take full responsibility for where my daughter is at. I feel awful, I know I need to put in more continuous effort- I really am trying. I didnt make this post out of boredom today, I was seeking help and advice.

I have been given some wonderful advice and lots to think about. Comments like yours really aren't helpful.

Thank you to everyone who has made suggestions. I am working through all the messages and have made notes of all the links and recommendations. It has helped more than you realise. So even if I haven't personally replied, I can assure you I'm grateful for everything x

Again, thank you for the support and suggestions. My mum has kindly offered to buy my daughter some new specialist shoes and some anti chafing clothes. I'm working around the clock at the moment to make ends meet so I do not have spare money (I'm self employed and used my savings in lockdown for bills). I'm really hoping if anything this will improve her quality of life in that she will feel more comfortable and prehaps more willing to come on walks with us.

Sometimes mumsnet can be a blessing or a curse! And I was very nervous to post my thread this morning. But I'm so glad I did now, as it seems others have benefited from the good advice on here too.

I will seek some help for myself too, and prehaps get medicated for my ADHD to see if it has a positive effect on my ability to see things through.

So much to think about and do, but I'm feeling much more positive :-)

That's lovely of your mum to do OP. I can't speak for your DD's position, but from my own perspective I found engaging in exercise so much more enjoyable when I felt comfortable in appropriate clothes - nothing fancy, just not feeling that 'sweaty jeans ick' by wearing workout leggings to go for a walk. And keep walking for the mental health benefits until she's ready to find something that she enjoys of her own.

I know you've had a lot of diet advice here. I'm not going to chime in to that side of things because I think a lot of the advice, while well meaning, isn't necessarily immediately helpful as it's not you who is trying to lose weight. What I will say (and I hope it's reassuring!) is to bear in mind that larger bodies need more calories to maintain that larger size, so creating a calorie deficit for your DD doesn't need to be as drastic as people often think it needs to be. It won't take much to have a positive change

This is really good advice. Its called crowding, with the idea being that eventually the healthy foods crowd out the unhealthy ones. It's much more positive than eating changes based on denial and encourages the idea of loving one's body enough to feed it the very best. This worked very well for me. Although I was not obese I needed to lose weight and change the negativity I had around weight and my body.
Best of luck to you and the OP.

Just from reading here the big issue in your daughters life is how lonely and socially isolated she is, lots of people are fat I was fat in school but I had an albeit small group to become young adult with , she’s at an age where she needs to branch out away from you but she can’t,

does she have any aquaintances op? Maybe moving schools is an idea or even homeschooling if she’s too fragile for that maybe finding social connection online so she can discover some self worth and maybe distract from food.
I can’t imagine how hard it is OP big hugs and solidarity, you are trying everything sometimes obesity is a symptom rather than the reason.

I became quite overweight as a teen (had been slim as child) due to binge eating sweets and chocolate. It was a symptom of being sad, not clinically depressed but definitely dissatisfied...I had bad skin and although I was never without friends, I was socially awkward and never saw myself as fitting in. Lots of people have given well meaning advice about the practicalities of adopting a healthier lifestyle, but I think you need to help her find that "click" moment in her head where she has the determination to see through any changes (which she will certainly be desperate to make). This definitely doesn't come from a position of feeling down about yourself in general or - especially - embarrassed about your weight. Build her confidence, help her identify and resolve specific things that might be bothering her, reassure her that whatever rubbish time she's having won't last forever. Make it known that you are there to support her with healthy changes but don't railroad her. Once you get to 17 stone, there is certainly a mental element to be tackled in the first instance - she is probably binge eating in secret and small lifestyle changes are like papering over the cracks. Fwiw I started losing the weight in my early twenties when my self confidence improved and have kept it off without much effort ever since! Good luck.