Obese daughter 14 years old

[MochaShots]

As the title says, my 14 year old daughter is obese. She weighs 17 stone and I am so desperately sad for her.

I take full responsibility for letting it get this bad, but because of her poor mental health, I've struggled to be strict enough to see through any health changes we've tried to implement.

I know what a healthy diet looks like, what portion size she should be having, good fats, bad fats, enough protein etc. It is not that I am not educated. The problem I have is the lack of will power to stick it out. She is on the CAMH'S waiting list regarding her mental health, and I've requested a nutritionist, but the waiting list is so long.

She is so fragile mentally, that I always cave in and allow her bigger portion sizes or treats. But, even when I've tried to make adjustments to her diet, I cannot get her to increase her activity. Realistically now, she has gotten so big that she genuinely struggles to walk more than 10 mins without her legs chafing or her feet hurting. I cannot afford paid activities, and she also lacks the confidence. I've tried encouraging slow walks to build herself up to gradual fitness, but she refuses as I know she knows she will feel pain or discomfort.

Until she gets help with her mental health, I feel I'm fighting a losing battle.

Given that I eat a reasonably healthy diet, and am active and that I know about healthy eating and cooking- what can i do to help my daughter take steps to get healthy?

I've tried every approach I can think of including a delicate conversation - a blunt conversation about the negative effects on her heart (I try not to make it about her appearance). I've tried to make things fun and take the emphasis off of weight, but she doesn't like any activities at all. She goes to school, then comes home and sits around while I'm at work. Weekends she refuses to join us on bike rides, walks etc.

I have to be careful not to make it a battle by issuing sanctions as her mental health is incredibly fragile.

Please help!

I agree that really it should have been dealt with before - even with myself I notice when my jeans are a bit snug and it’s easier for me to get on top of it then than waiting until I can’t get the jeans on.

However, she’s already 17 stone. So it’s a bit of a moot point because she can’t go back in time and sort it then. And as for a dietician - they won’t be able to help if the child’s mother won’t actually follow it. They can set you a great plan but if you tack it up on the wall and ignore it then what use is it?

You've had a lot of advice and unless you are living under a rock or in the dark ages, everyone knows what they SHOULD be doing in 2022. It's getting your self to make the right choices is where the challenge starts.

Slimming work, Noom etc are a good part of the equation but making it happen is the hard part. It's stopping the overeating, it's stopping the trips to the shop after school, it's not going to the local Co-op on a saturday afternoon to get crisps and chocolate when watching films later on. It;s stopping yourself when every inch of you wants to eat the 4 twirl bars in a pack in 5 minutes.

Obesity, weightloss and dietary changes are about changing habits and the problem is very complex. Saying eat less and exercise more is grossly oversimplifying it.

Your daughter really needs specialist therapeutic help and you've taken the right steps but you have to take some more responsibility. What can you do to help your daughter in the meanwhile - what books are you reading, how are you tackling the psychological side of the excessive overeating? Have you found any kindle or books on amazon that talk about addictions? Are there any things you can quickly glean from books and apply to your life?

I'm currently reading:
"Beyond temptation" by Sophie and Audrey Boss
"Craving Freedom: The R4 Method for Overcoming Food Addiction" by
Dr Bunmi Aboaba

You are really going to have to start digging deep in relation to the role and responsibility you have towards your little girl. She has some work to do too. Do something now before it gets even worse, please - 17 stone at 14 years is getting very worrying indeed.

Maybe try going longer between snacks or eating and helping your daughter recording a diary of how she feels when she wants to eat - stress, agitated, restless etc. It's information gathering and it may help process the emotion/feelings side of her eating and work out what to do instead of eating.

You really to do something! Your daughter needs to do something too. You have to do something and do work - if you don't it will stay the same. The work has got to be done.

I say all this as an overweight child myself and as someone who has had a lower end of healthy BMI all my adult life until a couple of years ago. Im 12 stone now at 5ft 8 and am on the cusp of being overweight for the first time in decades and i need to work out why i'm eating all the time before it gets even worse.

Trigger warnings*

I feel for you i really do - we are in a similar situation with my 13yo DGS who is heavily overweight. He is ASD and has always had PICA tendencies and we managed it well until Covid - he coped really well with lockdown but going back out again afterwards caused his anxiety to go though the roof and his eating got really out of control. Then his Dad was seriously ill and left permanently disabled which obviously caused stress but also increased his Mums workload astronomically and she has not been able to watch him as much and had to rely on convenience food more often.

Now he is 13 he can break into the lock on the fridge and avoid the pressure sensor mats outside his room and in the pantry. Yes - we have had to go to this extreme to stop him eating secretly since he was 5. He will steal food from people's plates, sneak outside and eat the pets food etc. And no he does not have Prader Willi before anyone suggests it. As a younger child he had two major surgeries as he had a bowel condition.

Despite all the above issues we have - there is no real help out there! A dietician simply tells you about the eat well plate but in a bit more detail - they may produce a diet plan but they do not tell you how to manage when your child is scratching their face until they bleed or smashing their head against the wall because they cannot cope with life without another spoonful of potato. Or how you face the very real possibility that they will not leave the house again without the promise of a milkshake.

It sounds like you may have to face the fact your daughter has an addiction just as serious and all consuming as heroin or alcohol and you need to look at it in that way - and not treat it like she is just greedy or lazy. Look at addiction websites for how to support someone with an addiction and you may need to completely rethink how you are managing this.

How ever, some of the best advice we received was from support type groups - you need to try and figure out what it is that makes your daughter want to eat despite knowing the consequences. Is it sensory? Does she ever feel full or is her brain not recognising the signals? Is it purely comfort? Prader Willi websites have lots of ideas on satisfying the need to eat with alternatives to food.

Some things that can help include chew toys - if she has associated chewing with comfort then this can help. Chewing gum can also help with this.

If its sensory would extreme tastes help satisfy her palate - strong curries, really cold water this can offer a shock to the taste buds that can satisfy for longer.

Changing too much in one go will be a complete failure - look at portion size first and not bother about what she is eating - or focus on more veg in her diet without bothering about the rest. Make sure she is drinking water with her meals as this can help her fill up quicker without altering what she is eating - this will not work if her body is not interrupting the full signal though

Hang in there - but do not expect that getting referred to a service is going to be a knight in shinning armour - it almost certainly will not. CAMH's is notoriously hit and miss when it comes to actual help even when you do get to see them. Will your daughter keep a diary for a couple of weeks detailing how she is feeling? If you keep a corresponding one on what she is eating it may give you some insight into what is happening.

You do not need to be told what constitutes a healthy diet or how to make your daughter feel good about herself - you have that already. You need to know that whatever professionals you eventually see - 99% of getting through this is on you and your daughter, they may give some advice but you can find anything they are going to tell you online now. I would not think of doing anything about her diet for a few weeks - spend some time readjusting your thinking to 'managing' rather than 'solving' the issues and trying to figure out what is behind the behaviour before deciding what plan to take going forward. It hard to suggest anything without knowing your daughter and her motivations.

Just to let you know for years we focused on how strong my DGS was and he liked watching strongman competitions where all the competitors are on the large side and he imagined himself doing that - this encouraged him to think of strength rather than fitness and worked for a few years - he was still overweight and we had to monitor him closely but we managed it. But when life got in the way - in a major manner - it all fell apart and nothing we do now seems to work.

Good Luck and remember this is weight loss - once she decides to lose weight herself it is achievable - no matter if it takes several years and multiple false starts.

Ketones are produced when losing weight. Hence feeling crap.
There is no magical no suffering weight loss plan.

I've been supermorbidly obese.

As she is a child, she doesn't have money of her own to buy food. This means that if it isn't in the house, she can't eat it.

Trying to go straight to weightloss when she is actively gaining would be extremely difficult. I'd suggest that you look at maintaining as a first goal and then gradually adjusting what is available to just creep in under what she burns in a day. Weighing is not beneficial, especially if she doesn't want to do it.

She's using food - probably high carb, high sugar, high fat, easy to eat with the hands - to give her a calm high and to squash down unpleasant feelings, such as being tired or sad or anxious or angry or everything, really.

At that weight, it's certainly not starvation rations to begin maintaining and then losing. Which is actually a good thing, as it's less unpleasant when you feel that you're still eating well.

The binge trigger foods tend to be the ones you know aren't particularly nutritious - biscuits, cakes, chocolate, sweets, ice cream, desserts, sweet or savoury pastries - and easy grab and go things like sweetened cereal, bread, crisps (for the behaviour of taking and eating six packets in a row, not the actual crisps themselves), that kind of thing. And drinks - milkshakes, fizzy drinks, squashes/cordials. If they're not in the house, she can't have them.

However, the impact of not having them can be upsetting. So there would need to be some alternatives - she might not like them as much, but if she is genuinely hungry, she'll eat them (subject to the usual MN thing of excluding ARFID, Autism, etc, etc) - maybe in larger quantities than you'd prefer but probably fewer calories and greater nutritional value than a box of cereal and two triple packs of sausage rolls, for example. Things like six hard boiled eggs, cooked prawns, mini mozzarella balls, individual cheese packs, pitted olives, homemade potato salad with a small amount of mayonnaise, chopped spring onions, tomatoes and cucumber, artichokes in lemon and olive oil, cooked chicken in olive oil and herbs, cherry tomatoes, capers, that kind of thing, plus some 'I need something to be eating' things like celery or carrot sticks, as it's bloody difficult to overeat carrot sticks when you just want something to be physically chewing on. The other thing with this is that it slows her down - is she actually hungry, does she want to take the time to put some mozzarella on a plate with cherry tomatoes, olives and some other bits, or did she just have a craving for carbs again and can't be bothered with the effort? It's higher protein and greater nutritional value to the foods.

Then you provide full meals. You cook enough for a large portion - handfuls, not saucepan-fulls, to maintain or lose weight at 17 stone, she can eat well - potatoes, pasta (perhaps the gluten free varieties will help, as they tend to include higher protein sources such as lentils or chickpeas in them?), steamed rice without oils (and suchlike from packets) with lots of vegetables, meat, fish, seasonings, herbs, spices, lots of flavour. Rather than a high sugar pasta sauce, you can make one that tastes good and naturally sweet by taking 5 minutes to sweat onions, adding tomato puree and tinned tomatoes. Or by cooking cherry tomatoes. Instead of a cheese sauce to smother pasta so it slips down easily, you can use full fat cream cheese and melt it in the cooked pasta, adding frozen petits pois and small amounts of cooked bacon, topping with some grated Parmesan. Or do cauliflower cheese with white sauce and strong cheese instead - similar taste but you're getting the sauce without pasta calories.

Buying good bread but not huge quantities means she isn't completely cutting it out - instead of a loaf of white sliced a day, something that needs to be cut, can be in larger pieces, can be eaten with peanut butter or olive oil with balsamic, that tastes of something and has some structure will be more satisfying. If she'll eat them, avocadoes are great - avocado toast with bacon may have the same calories as a bowl of cereal or porridge, but will keep her feeling fuller without a sugar crash an hour later. Rather than having a cake or flapjack, full fat yoghurt and fruit will also give sweetness and nutrition.

Increasing the nutritional and satiety value of her food will help. If she's not going out, she's likely to be low on vitamin D for a start - supplementation could help - the fizzy vitamins (Berocca or Redoxon taste very much like a fizzy drink - other brands taste like crap) can help here.

If she starts feeling healthier, this might encourage her to move more. Rather than crappy school PE, there are thousands of things that feel good - strength training, yoga/pilates/ballet barre, aquafit or swimming with a leg suit rather than a standard costume. She's not going to want to be thundering around to an exercise video. It'll hurt. What could help there is supportive leggings - there are cheap ones on Amazon that do the job better than crusty cotton ones that rub and blister. Decent running shoes with orthotics will help support her ankles and encourage her to use her leg and core muscles. A good sports bra will be more comfortable and doesn't have to be limited to exercise. Any movement beyond walking to the fridge and back is a result.

And sleep. She needs sleep - decent bed, decent bedding, fresh air and darkness to get the best out of it.

She might decide that she actually starts feeling better and wants to lose weight/be healthier - that would be wonderful.

She may not be the slimmest person, she may choose as an adult with her own income to go back to eating foods that increase her weight - but if a rejig of what you provide and support her with (and it's perfectly possible to lose weight on 2000+ calories a day without really feeling it if you're large, just so long as you're just a few hundred under what it takes to move yourself around) can give her a hint of a healthier and happier feeling, it won't hurt to try.

Finally, I would say one thing about money. Bluntly, if you're buying enough snacks and foods to facilitate a child reaching 17 stone, you've got enough money to fund healthier foods and activities.

I agree. OP you need to stop enabling her. You aren't doing her any favours by allowing her to eat as much as she wants. You also can't sit around and wait for CAHMs before making changes. You are her parent, so parent her. CAHMs can only do so much when they are available, you need to help too.

Think of it as healthy eating which is more positive. Could you get a dog or borrow a dog to encourage walking with a distraction? You could get the bus to somewhere and walk back. Headphones and fave tunes or whatever is a great suggestion from a PP. I use the Pinch of Nom cook books which are really tasty calorie counter recipes. They have many, many recipes online too with a huge social media following which helps when tweaks are needed. You could get your daughter involved in cooking them with you so she is learning life skills and health habits with a positive outcome of a lovely meal at the end. My DS 9, made the double sausage and egg muffins for us for breakfast from scratch. They had 14g less fat than the drive through version! He was buzzing at having cooked for the family which all help with MH endorphins etc. There are many small diet changes that all build up to a big impact. It’s great that you’ve asked for help. It’ll be hard but keep going!

What about swimming as an activity that you could do together? It will ease any pain or discomfort she may feel in her joints.
Or if she interested in animals? Perhaps borrow my doggy website to get an interest and a reason to walk? Or cinnamon trust and through that she would be helping others.

A bit outfield, but would your daughter try yoga or tai chi ? I’ve got no coordination whatsoever but went to a short tai chi course and enjoyed it. There are loads of videos on YouTube, you don’t need any equipment, it’s easy to follow and you don’t have to be exact in every move. It might help her MH and reset her attitude to exercise. Try getting a swing ball on EBay or marketplace and play it yourself , she might join in. Are there any park tennis courts near you?

Another vote for eating veg only as a first course ( raw, cooked or a mix) and only fruit as dessert or snacks. Fruit salad as just mixed fruit with low fat yoghurt is filling.
It’s a long haul, she’s not going to lose weight overnight but stick with it.

I have been where your DD is OP and some of the responses on here have been harsh and unhelpful IMO. To say don't give in or don't feed her this, that or whatever is unhelpful. The girl is 14 so perfectly capable of getting whatever food she craves by going to the shops herself.
The first step to helping her is to listen to her and for her to understand why she feels the need to eat so badly.
Encourage her to keep a journal and every time she eats between meals, to write down how she felt before and after eating. What made her want to eat what she did (stress, anxiety, pain , pmt feelings of self hate, etc), . There may be a pattern forming and she will be able to see in writing what triggers her and together you can work to minimize those. See if there are any on-line support groups she can access that could help both of you whilst you are waiting for her MH assessment.
Finally to those pp suggesting that all that's needed is healthier food and more exercise I ask you this,. If the child was undereating and over exercising would you suggest all that's needed is for that child to eat a couple of packets of crisps and sit still? No you wouldn't you'd all be seeing that for what it is and offering sympathy to the OP. A 14 year old who deliberately overeats and one who under eats are 2 sides of the same coin, both need to address the reasons as failure to do that results in them just repeating the pattern.
I'm now in my mid 50's and some days the urge to shove the entire contents of the biscuit tin down my throat is overwhelming, but I've learnt to recognise why I feel like that and, hard though it can be at times, resist that urge.

You are so absolutely right. This is great wisdom.

My 14 year old is a swimmer and was chafing badly in her neck a while back. I can’t remember why - maybe a combination of a particular type of swimmers and kickboard placement.

anyway, this stuff was excellent. My DH does triathlons and uses it too. Might be cheaper than sports gear if the budget is tight

This is a great post.

I'm going to add something else in - the speed of weightloss. She doesn't need to lose 2lb/1kg a week just because it's what some adults do. If she lost a kilo a month or every other month, this will add up over time;

Losing 1lb a month, so just 4oz a week would mean 48lb - 3 and a bit stone - by the age of 18. Moving to 8oz a week would result in her being somewhere around 11 stone when she reaches official adulthood, easily within a healthy weight range when you take into account that she might grow taller.

It's the long term change to a healthier diet that she needs, not the quick fix shite that triggers feelings of deprivation and binges that adults seem to think is the only way to lose weight. Could you find it easier to think that you're facilitating the loss of just over a tablespoon of unhealthy weight a day?

Crikey there's some shit advice on here ("join a rugby team" or "ignore the chafing"). I assume these posters have never had any weight issues themselves. It's really really not as simple as eat less, move more.

I recently weighed around 17 stone (I'm in my 40s, so am probably a larger frame to start with) and exercise is bloody hard at that size. Your knees hurt, you get out of breath just walking, especially upstairs or uphill. Your thighs DO chafe and it hurts! Sometimes even wearing jeans make your thighs chafe.

So suggesting a child who struggles to even walk without her feet hurting or who gets out of breath join a rugby team is really short sighted. She'll need to lose a little weight before upping the exercise (I have lost a stone and it's actually made a huge difference - I still get out of breath but I can now go up he stairs without my knees killing me).

I actually think one of the best pieces of advice you've had is to help her fill her time, as if you're busy, you're not constantly thinking of food. I've definitely found this helps me.

Anyone who has struggled with over eating will know that it's a quick fix comfort - you feel bad about how you look, but you also know that losing 7 stone is going to take a long time, and so to make yourself feel better a sweet treat will give you an instant endorphin rush, making you feel better for a very short period. And then you feel guilty for having done it and feel even worse about yourself, so need something to make you feel better, and so the cycle continues.

The other thing I think is good advice is not to remove all the snacks, as from experience she will probably find other ways of overeating. It probably isn't the food per se, it's the action of eating. I've been known to just eat plain bread if there's nothing else to eat, just anything to get that "full" feeling.

So maybe just very gradually increasing the veg and decreasing the carbs on her plate (and everyone else's) so it's imperceptible. And try and keep the sugars to a minimum, as they are addictive and will give you a high, followed by a crash.

Good luck though OP. It's really hard, and I totally get why you'd not want to tip her over the edge. Having lived with people with MH issues, it can be a difficult line to tread.

@Upamountain43 's post is absolutely brilliant and really insightful.

Also PP who said that one would not advise a massively underweight child to just eat crisps and sit still. You'd recognise the undereating as a sign of mental distress. It is the same with morbid obesity.

The lack of understanding from some posters who have responded as if the DD is just a bit greedy and OP has let the greed get out of hand, is just shocking. With all the supposed awareness of mental health, how can people still think like this?!

@MochaShots
That must be so upsetting, but you are the adult ( at the moment) and are the one buying the food and feeding her calorific food.

The weight will never come off if you keep shovelling fatty, sweet food at her.
It isn’t helping her, it is just a “Pacifier”

It would be like giving an addict their drug of choice to keep them quiet short term, while not addressing underlying issues.

Exercise, even just a small increase a day can really help shed weight.

Only she ( And and at the moment you) can change this- There are no easy solutions.

Gastric bypass could be an option??

17 stones will be putting a huge strain on her joints and heart, but you know this.

Stop buying calorie rich food.

If it’s not bought, It can’t be eaten.

It is extremely hard as an adult to lose weight/think about being physically health when your mental health is suffering. I am sorry you and your daughter are going through such a difficult period. I'm sure you've tried anything I could suggest, but walking really is the best (and cheapest!) exercise. Do you have a park nearby, or even a garden, that you could walk around together? Start off with once around the park, three times a week for the first week, then twice around the park in the second week (or towards the end of the second week if you/she things that's too much too soon). It may not seem like much, but little changes over a long period are what is most likely to make a difference.

In terms of meal planning, a registered dietician is what you need to request, rather than a nutritionist. You can read about the difference between the two here:

www.bda.uk.com/about-dietetics/what-is-dietitian/dietitian-or-nutritionist.html

Are there any weight management services for children in your area? I’d go to the GP and request a dietitian referral.

There are ways around chafing. Wearing well fitting cotton leggings or shorts for example, that are big enough to pull all the way up so that her thighs don’t touch. If she’s wanting to wear a dress then cycling shorts underneath.

Lanacane also make an anti chafing gel which is pretty good.

Does she binge? How tall is she?

Are you suggesting walks in your local area? My ds is the same age and is much more relaxed being seen with me in public if we are miles from home because there's no chance of being spotted by someone he knows

I'd also tailor your cooking so any seconds to meals is mainly veg rather than carbs. Buy less (or no) treat stuff so you can't be tempted to give her more.

Sugar and carb (and carb is sugar as that is what the body converts it to) makes the brain produce huge surges in dopamine which makes the brain feel pleasure and happy. It can also contribute to mental health as high or even low levels of dopamine are associated with several mental health problems. And it is worded as the more dopamine the brain produces the more it want and that’s why cravings are so hard to control. But the good thing is the less sugar and carb you eat the more your dopamine levels will stabilise and the less you will crave these foods.
You need to start cutting the carbs. Limit potatoes, rice and pasta. If it comes in a box or packet don’t buy it. A diet of protein so meat, fish and eggs, leafy green veg and low GI fruits like berries and good fats like avocado, fish, nuts, olive oil and flax seed as fat in itself isn’t bad just the type of fat so you need the good ones and not the bad ones of saturated fats and trans fats. No soda even zero are not good but can be reserved for treats and rewards.Plenty of water and if she doesn’t like plain water add lemon juice or even no sugar ribena.
It is not a diet but a complete lifestyle change and so she doesn’t feel singled out do it together with the whole family.

Thank you so much for all of your replies. I'm overwhelmed by the responses, and grateful to those who have offered genuine advice/tips (which I've screenshot and will look into). It's unfortunate that there are still a few that have either not fully read the OP, or are telling me that it is as simple as reducing calories/portion size, or that I'm enabling - I do realise this. But there has been more kindness, so thank you.

To answer a few questions and give some more background...

I have three children, she is the middle child. The two boys are healthy weights. The eldest is very health conscious and regulates his weight well. The youngest is slim, but has ASD and is fussy to the extent that he only eats certain foods and not very much of it - so a whole other issue I'm dealing with.

8 years ago, we fled my from my ex, their dad, and I put all of my energy, money and what little mental strength I had into starting a new life for us and somewhere new to live. We live in a run down estate in a less than desirable part of London. We don't have a garden, or friendly neighbour's who would want their dog walked, and we couldn't afford a dog of our own, nor would we have the space.

A lot of my daughter's mental health I believe, stems from her relationship with her dad, and the horrible environment we lived in where we would all walk on eggshells. There was no physical violence, just emotional. I finally had the courage to leave, and in many ways, life is better for us all. I did plead with social workers in the early days for involvement, and to my surprise, they said I didn't qualify as in their eyes, the children still have one fit and able parent.

The boys are thriving now (although they've had their problems with mental health in the early days), but my daughter keeps a lot in. I too have struggled, which I guess is a reason I've not been able to effectively get a grip on my daughter's weight.

My daughter has no friends, and has endured bullying since primary school. She has no one to go places with, and this adds to her MH problems. She has no confidence to join free afterschool clubs, and is definitely a few years younger mentally and struggles to fit it. Obviously I've tried to address this, and have tried to help, but I think its deep rooted and will take a professional to unpick.

My daughter is in denial about her weight. I know she knows, but she won't admit it, which makes it very difficult then, for me to get her on board. She will say things like "ah mum you've shrunk my clothes again" or, "I need a bigger size as I'm getting taller".

I've taken her to the GP who recommended Slimming World. We attended for a couple of months, but on the times she gained or stayed the same, she would be heartbroken and have meltdowns. I decided I didnt want to fixate on weighing her, and the group was just making her feel more of a failure when she would see the other people achieving awards etc.

She does eat veg, and fruit, but just never seems full. So even if her plate consisted of mostly vegetables and proteins, she would still be hungry.

I'm thinking if I can make her as comfortable as possible, then I may be able to convince her to get more active. Is there anywhere I can get specialist shoes made? She has wide feet, a high in step and obviously a lot of weight bearing down on her. I've tried sketchers etc, but her feet always hurt in the end. I will definitely look at the anti chafing shorts - so thank you.

I understand diet is key, but I also know how good I feel after being active, and I want her to get that feeling, in hope it will make her want to make better food choices. I also need to work on keeping the momentum going and not cave when trying to get her to eat less junk.

It might be worth noting, that her weight gain increased a lot over the lockdown period. She was still very overweight before, but gained rapidly over the lockdown period.

A nutritionist may help us as she is more likely to take on board advice from somebody other than me, her mum. I know I'm clutching at straws, but I'm desperate.

How about both attending a slimming club (assuming you would also be eligible). That takes away the personal aspect to it and it becomes something that you both follow rather than you impose.