TRIGGER WARNING Abortion - to think my mum handled this incorrectly?

[sanchezmanchez]

When I was 16 I fell pregnant, I was in a very toxic relationship at the time. I really thought I was ready for a baby and would fix my relationship so was going to keep it.

I grew up with a idyllic childhood, never wanted for nothing but my mum was pretty shut off emotionally. When I finally told her I was pregnant and my plans she said, 'if you're keeping the baby then you won't be able to live in this house anymore'. I had no money, no qualifications, and no where to go so had no choice but to abort the baby.

15 years on, my life is great. I don't regret the abortion as looking back, no way was I ready and I honestly don't think I would have coped. My life would be completely different if I'd had that baby and due to how happy I am now, I am glad I didn't.

However, I now have an 8 year old dd and although I'm thankful I went ahead with it, I often look back and think how badly my mum handled the situation.

The sentence above is all she kept saying to me, she never spoke to me about how I felt, before, during, or after the procedure.

AIBU to think she handled it badly or is that a fair enough reaction?

I mean she never explicitly said to me to abort the baby but she kind of left me with no notion. It was baby and go homeless or no baby and stay in the family home.

You were planning on having the baby with her doing all the effort and funding of it. She gave you a reality check.

Have you tried to speak to her about since?

Your mum was honest.

On the face of it, yanbu. However, we have no idea of her motivation.

Its possible she knew you thought it would fix everything and she knew it would tie you to a man you didn’t need to be tied to forever and she just couldn’t support that.

Your decision to keep the baby and stay living there would have impacted her massively. I can understand why someone would not want to take that on.

From your description, you are not being unreasonable. Your mother sounds a lot like me. Do you get on with her now as an adult?

I guess he could have been a bit more empathetic but she was honest and, although blunt, many parents would agree with what she said.

Sorry posted without finishing my post - would you consider bringing up the subject if you get on with her well enough now a days?

It sounds a wee bit cold, but it was her job to steer your life on its best course and that's how she got you there.

We are very close but it's something we haven't spoken about since and I wouldn't feel comfortable bringing it up

I agree with this

I don't blame her for how she reacted. Presumably your 16 year old self would have been relying on her for money/childcare plus you sound like you were in a less than suitable relationship.

She could have been more concerned for your emotional welfare though.

yanbu to feel that way but I don’t think she was wrong either. She simply gave you a reality check, if you’re old enough to have a baby then you’re old enough to be responsible for their upkeep.
I honestly would have said the same thing, if I end up following through with it is another thing.

You mother was entitled to think about the life she wanted to have, and she wasn’t prepared to financially support, house, and at least in part raise a(nother) baby. She’s not wrong for this.

If wasn’t unreasonable for her to make clear to you what she was and wasn’t able to provide.

I fell pregnant at 16. My mom was more interested in drugs and drink than guiding me through a time where I needed it.

I ended up in a grotty flat with a baby and an abusive partner.

All these years on and I do not regret having my child but it's messed her up in ways. We are close but she didn't get the start in life that she deserves.

If I was ever put in the position my mom was I'd behave exactly like your mom.

She thought it was the best for you.

I would have done the same for my daughter.

At the same time, you are of course right to feel the way you feel. Hope you can clear the air with her.

Your mother did you the biggest favour of your life. She gave you a very sharp dose of reality.

I would never chuck my 16 year old out regardless of circumstances. I would have a good conversation with her about it - how she felt, if she knew what it meant to be a young mum etc, that she’d have to get a job and forget going out etc etc.

I cannot believe the number of people justifying the mums handling of it. By all means make your position clear but there was no need to be emotionally shut off from OP. The thought of a 16 year old going through an abortion with no emotional support and comfort is fucking horrible. I’m sorry that you had to deal with that on your own OP

My daughter and I are close. If she got pregnant or indeed my son got someone pregnant I would flush out all options she and he would have my full support WHATEVER they decided

I agree, I would be forever grateful to my mum.

And I know a previous poster has said the mum was horrible to emotionally shut off from her daughter and I do kind of agree with that, it would’ve been great if she emotionally supported her daughter. However maybe by doing that she would’ve ‘cracked’ and not held the position of ‘you have to move out’ and that wouldn’t have been the best thing for her daughter.

I agree. The abortion was the right choice for you, as you've stated. She sounds a little bit closed off emotionally, some people are just like that.

I don’t think your mum knew how to handle it tbh, she just didn’t want you to have a baby a 16. My mum would have said the same, she wouldn’t have wanted to leave me any idea that I should go through with it. Perhaps speaking to a therapist would help you with your feelings.

Presumably she didn't encourage you to get pregnant without any visible means of support?

No but she also never discussed contraception with me knowing full well I was sexually active.

I no longer speak to my mum. She didn’t agree with me keeping mine, she was vile during my pregnancy and after once the baby arrived.
on one level. I get it. especially as my daughter gets older.

on the other, I needed her, my daughter needed her.
watching her fuss and help my sister with her baby was the nail in the coffin for our relationship.

she should have supported you better. She should have talked to you more. I hope you can mend it in some way.

I'm suprised how many posters are saying your mum was right.
I could never that to my daughter. I would have given her the hard truths and I would probably strongly suggest abortion but I couldnt be so hard about it or threaten to throw her out if she kept it.