TRIGGER WARNING Abortion - to think my mum handled this incorrectly?

[sanchezmanchez]

When I was 16 I fell pregnant, I was in a very toxic relationship at the time. I really thought I was ready for a baby and would fix my relationship so was going to keep it.

I grew up with a idyllic childhood, never wanted for nothing but my mum was pretty shut off emotionally. When I finally told her I was pregnant and my plans she said, 'if you're keeping the baby then you won't be able to live in this house anymore'. I had no money, no qualifications, and no where to go so had no choice but to abort the baby.

15 years on, my life is great. I don't regret the abortion as looking back, no way was I ready and I honestly don't think I would have coped. My life would be completely different if I'd had that baby and due to how happy I am now, I am glad I didn't.

However, I now have an 8 year old dd and although I'm thankful I went ahead with it, I often look back and think how badly my mum handled the situation.

The sentence above is all she kept saying to me, she never spoke to me about how I felt, before, during, or after the procedure.

AIBU to think she handled it badly or is that a fair enough reaction?

I mean she never explicitly said to me to abort the baby but she kind of left me with no notion. It was baby and go homeless or no baby and stay in the family home.

My sister had a baby at 16 and kept it, she moved out and got a council flat, back then she was priority for rehousing so got one very quickly, my mum wouldn’t have raised the baby ....

An ultimatation is exactly what it was.

Accept that your mum is human, we all have faults and don't always handle situations the way others think we should. Hindsight and different perspectives are wonderful things.

She made you realise the implications of having a baby. You weren't going to be able to leave it with her and go back to being a 16 year old. You'd have had to find home, finance it and care for your child. You decided this wasn't what you wanted and had a termination.

Exactly.

Some people are missing the point that OP was in a toxic relationship and the only reason she thought she wanted a baby was to try and mend her relationship - that’s not a good reason and her mum knew it.

I know many people who have been given an ultimatum like this and they keep the baby.
Her mum never said to do it she was just saying she’s not going to be raising it.

Agree with pp’s that this is unfair. I’m in my forties and went to a catholic school and knew all about contraception. Your mum may have handled this badly and unsympathetically and ywnbu to raise this with her, but I don’t see how you can blame her for the fact that you chose to have unprotected sex and got pregnant as a result. This comment alone is making me think that there may be more to the whole situation.

My mum was a great mum but I wouldn’t have dreamed of discussing contraception with her, and I definitely wouldn’t have wanted to have to tell her I was pregnant as a teenager. I made sure it didn’t happen. With hindsight I think she would likely have been angry but ok and would have supported me but the fact that it was clear she wouldn’t approve has probably served me well in the long run.

That being said, I can’t imagine saying that to my daughter, or not supporting her emotionally through the situation. But then I haven’t have to watch her on the brink of throwing her life away on a dead-end relationship. At the end of the day the abortion was the right choice for you and your mum helped you to make that decision. Focus on that rather than blaming her.

I'm really shocked by some of the replies and can only assume we read the OP very differently.

Was her mum wrong to pay out get boundaries? Absolute not. Was she wrong to do it the way she did? 100%

If my DD gets pregnant at 16, there's no way she'll be keeping the baby but laying down an ultimatum like that would come at the end of a conversation, where we talked about the toxicity of her relationship and the realities of having children. Not laid out before a conversation had even been had. And I certainly wouldn't refuse to talk to my child about her feelings even after the abortion had happened. That's monstrous parenting.

You wrote "my mum was shut off emotionally" sounds like she might have been emotionless in all aspects of your childhood not just this one? Is there a chance she married your dad after falling pregnant accidentally?

Until you're faced with that situation as a parent you don't know how you will react. When you have little kids you don't think how they will be when they are teenagers and have their own life and relationships. It seems a million miles away.

Yes as a grown woman with life experience you can point out all of the consequences and the impact the baby will have but equally it's not up to you if your daughter has the baby.

If they go to a clinic to discuss a termination they go in on their own to ensure the decision is theirs. No one can be frog marched down there these days and rightly so.

You can only control your own part in it, not hers. The OP mum probably thought she was doing her best, like the rest of us. Parenting is tough and no one is perfect.

What your mum said at the time and how she might have acted had you actually had the baby might be very different,nobody wants their 16 year old child to be a parent ,it's far from ideal ,your mother might have thought she was acting in your best interests ,making you fully aware a babywould have been your responsibility,she might have mellowed of course had you made a different choice and had the baby but it's all hypothetical, ultimately you made the right choice for you and your life is good .

If it still others I would suggest seeking therapy. I think your mum did exactly the right thing. She hasn't tried to force you to do an abortion, but honestly opened your eyes to the reality of having a baby. You made the right choice as a result. In regards to contraception... If you were sexually active you were old enough to think about it yourself.

I think women are increasingly moving from seeing pregnancy and babies as something that "just happens" to something you choose and plan based on what suits you. It only makes sense that this way of thinking will also apply to whether someone wishes to help raise a grandchild. It makes sense to consider what you could cope with and have boundaries.

That said there was nothing stopping her being more supportive afterwards.

So a) you are blaming it on your mum and b) also highlighting how immature you were which was probably another reason your mum took this approach.

I think your mum was also scared of how it would work and maybe had fears of becoming a very hands on grandparent.

Basically you're saying that you're happy how everything worked out you just wish she'd phrased it better?

YABU

I don't think it's the phrase it's the lack of support!

I wouldn't and couldn't do or say what your mum said to my DDs if they got pregnant. Although it sounds like things worked out for you, that it didn't shackle you to a terrible dad.

But I'd deeply regret not giving my DD a real choice so I wouldn't want to force my DDs into a choice they didn't want sue to lack of alternatives. I don't have much money but I'd always find room for DD and baby if one of my DDs got pregnant.

I've already had the "safe sex convos" with my older DCs and not long before I have same convo with my youngest (as will her older siblings !!) .. however contraceptive accidents do happen still.

So yanbu for looking back with some nostalgic regret at how your mum dealt with it. I can't comment on her decision making and maybe it was for the best in her and your life... I just couldn't do it that way. I'd blame me, even if my DD didn't.

Also hi fellow social worker! (I'm adults serviceso not CSD... )

I think other PPs have made good points though too
Like @Onwards22 and @LuaDipa

I'm only saying I can't imagine saying what OPs mum said and have thought about it.

As a teenager, my mum was the most effective form of contraceptive ever. I love her to pieces, had a great upbringing and she was and is a terrific parent, but she would have absolutely hit the roof. There would have been none of this "we will support you whatever you choose".

I was a teen in the 80's, and my mum would've eventually (having been pulled off the artex by Ddad) been kind, but the words your mother used would've definitely been said.

What should she have been supported to do?

She was supported. She was supported not to have a really ill advised baby in a toxic relationship, a decision she agrees with and maintains an excellent, enduring and close relationship with her mum.

It was the threat of removal of support for persisting with an entirely unreasonable plan of action that brought that plan to an end.

Good parenting imo. Unreasonable decisions don't get reasoned with

To everyone saying I am blaming everything on my mum - I take it you won't speak to your teenagers about sex and contraception since they are taught it in school? When they are too busy giggling than actually paying attention.

What do you think would have happened? How much responsiblity do you think she would have ended up having?

When you were 16, did you honestly not know you could get pregnant if you had sex?

We're not in 50s any more and it's not as though it's only taught in schools. It's in every teen magazine. In the news. On TV programs. In YA fiction. In movies. It's not just taught in furtive, embarrassing classes, it's common knowledge for most teens.

My mum didn't talk to me about contraception when I was a teen 40 years ago, but I knew that having sex came with the risk of getting pregnant long before the halting and poorly done sex education in school and that condoms and the pill were good ways to try and avoid that.