TRIGGER WARNING Abortion - to think my mum handled this incorrectly?

[sanchezmanchez]

When I was 16 I fell pregnant, I was in a very toxic relationship at the time. I really thought I was ready for a baby and would fix my relationship so was going to keep it.

I grew up with a idyllic childhood, never wanted for nothing but my mum was pretty shut off emotionally. When I finally told her I was pregnant and my plans she said, 'if you're keeping the baby then you won't be able to live in this house anymore'. I had no money, no qualifications, and no where to go so had no choice but to abort the baby.

15 years on, my life is great. I don't regret the abortion as looking back, no way was I ready and I honestly don't think I would have coped. My life would be completely different if I'd had that baby and due to how happy I am now, I am glad I didn't.

However, I now have an 8 year old dd and although I'm thankful I went ahead with it, I often look back and think how badly my mum handled the situation.

The sentence above is all she kept saying to me, she never spoke to me about how I felt, before, during, or after the procedure.

AIBU to think she handled it badly or is that a fair enough reaction?

I mean she never explicitly said to me to abort the baby but she kind of left me with no notion. It was baby and go homeless or no baby and stay in the family home.

Same, and I went to a Catholic school with nuns and we did still get taught about it. Not in great depth, but still knew what there was out there.

Are you saying op that at 16 in 2005? You had no idea about sex, pregnancy and contraception?

If my 16yo announced they were pregnant, the first thing I would do would be to set expectations about how much support I was willing to offer (money, babysitting, housing) so they could factor that in when deciding whether to continue with the pregnancy. I don't think that's unreasonable.

Bless you OP, I'm sorry you're still looking back and processing what was obviously a really tough time. I had a termination myself when I was younger, though my situation wasn't the same as yours, and I found counselling really helped me to get some peace of mind about how I felt afterwards. I wonder if counselling might help you get some closure? You could ask your GP for info about self-referring local counselling services.

FWIW I think your mum was very harsh and I certainly wish for you that you'd had more support - every 16 year old deserves some love and compassion from their parents, whatever happens. You were still a child and she was your parent.

However, I also think that if you weren't mature enough to make informed decisions about your relationship, or using contraception, then you were not likely to be mature enough to be a good mother to that child, if you'd had it. So although what she said was not kind, and her lack of support to you was rubbish, it's probably true that the decision you made was the right one.

I wish you all the best and hope you find some peace about the past.

I am sorry this is still bothering you OP. It may not have been the perfect reaction, but ultimately we are imperfect humans and she gave you a reality check that stopped you being attached to an abusive man. I understand why it was disappointing to not get more emotional support but i can see why the situation happened, maybe she was scared to be supportive in case you ended up kerping it. Really shit and difficult for you primarily, and her as well im sure.
And yes, she should have talked to you about contraception. But, as other posters have pointed out, you will have had it multiple times at school so maybe she thought it was covered?

YANBU yes her motivation was correct. You weren't in a position to have a child. But you were still her child, who she didn't give the correct education and means to avoid pregnancy in the first place, or to avoid toxic relationships, and she provided no emotional support. You needed her on many levels and she failed you. Sorry if that's harsh but if your child gets pregnant when they're a child you really need to look at yourself. And if your child of any age is going through something as difficult as a toxic relationship and an unwanted abortion you damn well support them.

She may have been struggling with her own emotions as well - perhaps she didn't want to get into the emotional side of it for fear that she might make things worse.

(I remember my cousin was sent to stay with auntie the other end of the country after her abortion - and it was left to said auntie to educate her about contraception, too.)

Your mum did the right thing. If she’d been supportive and offered you help etc your life might be very different now. You would be eternally linked to a ‘very toxic’ partner/ex partner. It sounds like your mum didn’t offer any comforting words but maybe she found the situation hard to talk about too.

If you are thinking it over and have confused feelings on the topic then you need to find the strength to speak to her. I think she gave you a reality check. I wouldn't want my dd to be pregnant at 16 either and definitely wouldn't encourage her to keep a baby.

She could have provided you with emotional support but may have felt that would sway you to change your mind or soften her stance.

You can choose to be different if you ever find yourself in that situation.

I don't think your mum did the right thing at all, @sanchezmanchez. Not because of what she said, but because you felt unsupported. That's obviously something you feel sad and torn about.
I suppose your mum felt she was helping you to make the 'right' decision given your age at the time.
If you feel like she is supportive and helpful to you now, it might be time to let it go, with the help of a counsellor if you feel you can't do that alone.
I'm sorry it weighs so heavily on your mind.

I was 16 in 2003 we absolutely did do sex ed at school and not just in year 11. The subject was mentioned in every year at high school and we even learnt the basics at the end of primary. It isn't your mums fault you were careless or didn't use contraception. You need to accept your actions and she is not to blame for you falling pregnant.

Op you've said "notion" so I can assume you're irish. Is your mum quite traditional? Would a 16 year old having a baby out of wed etc brought a shame on the family? This is maybe why she acted this way. Doesn't make it right but you won't get much closure if you don't talk to her about it.

Your mum did you a favour.

I also have no idea how you didn't know about contraception...I'm 20 years older and was brought up in a family where stuff like that was never mentioned and I was fully aware of it.

I can see where you're coming from, and also offer a perspective from the mothers side.
My daughter had a baby at 16. She knew all about contraception, choices, sex etc. They just weren't careful enough, that's the long and short of it.

When she told me she was pregnant I was shocked and worried. Nothing prepares you for that and I expect most parents don't handle it as well as they would like to.

I told her it was her decision, but that she would be responsible for the baby and ultimately miss out on her teenage years and that life would be more difficult.
I wouldn't have told her to leave or that I wouldn't support her. I also said that if she chose to terminate I would equally support her decision.

I'm sure she would admit she has missed out on things her peers have done but equally she's a good mum, she's doing a brilliant job, working, and in her own home.

I can't lie there were some tough times at first and I did shoulder a lot of the burden but that's in the past and my little DGC is the apple of my eye.

You should probably discuss it with your mum and put it to bed. None of us are perfect and it was a difficult situation all round.

My mum pretty much insisted on me having my abortion at 17. I dont know what the hell I would have done tbh. I was in no way ready for a baby. She pretty much marched me down there. Kindly though. It was the right thing to do. I dont think she handled it perfectly. Shes not perfect, but it was for the best. I dont blame her.

I went through similar with my DS he told us at 16 almost 17 his slightly older girlfriend was pregnant. We were hugely supportive, won’t go into details here but helped a lot financially and even had her to live with us. So we did all the things you were hoping your mum would do, but if my son had been a daughter, too right I would have tried to encourage her to consider an abortion and put obstacles in her way to make her really think about the reality. Needless to say our grandchild’s mum split up with our DS and he is going to be attached to her, through their child for years. He tries to be a decent dad but it’s not the life I wanted for him and I don’t think any parent would tbh. Good for you making it work, but I work in SW and see many young parents struggling as it’s so hard.

It sounds a bit cold, but she had to let you know that if you're old enough to have a baby, you're old enough to feed and clothe and house it yourself. And 16 isn't old enough for any of that. But could have been said in a better way and over several conversations. Children having children is never a good idea.

I agree, your mum should have handled it better.

I have no idea how I would feel or react if my daughter told me she was expecting at such a young age, but I know I would be supportive however I felt.

She gave you no option, and that wasn't ok.

She could have said you would have to get a job and support yourself and the baby if you went ahead with the pregnancy, not that you would have to leave home.

She should have delved further into your feelings and guided you properly.

Presumably foster care, rather than homelessness. A deeply unpleasant concept, but not actually one that couldn’t be taken.
Not liking the option presented isn’t the same as denying a choice.

What’s the alternative for you? Forcing the mother to house and finance a baby she doesn’t want? What of the mother’s choices as to how she wants her own life to be?

I'm also a social worker. Hello from one to another

My mums reaction would have been pretty much the same. And she told me in no uncertain words. No discussion about sex or contraception, I learnt it all from friends and Just 17 !
I made sure at 16 that I used double contraception (his and hers) until I was in a position (many many years later) that if I did get pregnant, it wouldn’t be the end of the world.

Another option was having the baby adopted. ie having the baby but NOT KEEPING IT.... like she said.

She could have said that and still looked after you emotionally. It’s not either/or. YANBU.

Wow, you're blaming her for everything, aren't you? It's her fault you got pregnant now!

If you were adult enough to consider having a baby, you were adult enough to hear the truth from her.

What else could she have said to you?

I've always thought that sounds much more traumatic than having a termination