TRIGGER WARNING Abortion - to think my mum handled this incorrectly?

[sanchezmanchez]

When I was 16 I fell pregnant, I was in a very toxic relationship at the time. I really thought I was ready for a baby and would fix my relationship so was going to keep it.

I grew up with a idyllic childhood, never wanted for nothing but my mum was pretty shut off emotionally. When I finally told her I was pregnant and my plans she said, 'if you're keeping the baby then you won't be able to live in this house anymore'. I had no money, no qualifications, and no where to go so had no choice but to abort the baby.

15 years on, my life is great. I don't regret the abortion as looking back, no way was I ready and I honestly don't think I would have coped. My life would be completely different if I'd had that baby and due to how happy I am now, I am glad I didn't.

However, I now have an 8 year old dd and although I'm thankful I went ahead with it, I often look back and think how badly my mum handled the situation.

The sentence above is all she kept saying to me, she never spoke to me about how I felt, before, during, or after the procedure.

AIBU to think she handled it badly or is that a fair enough reaction?

I mean she never explicitly said to me to abort the baby but she kind of left me with no notion. It was baby and go homeless or no baby and stay in the family home.

No. Ultimately it’s not the grandmother who has to live with the abortion.

ive seen some girls go on to have some really successful happy lives with babies in tow, if they are supported by their parents. But I know that’s a big ask both financially and emotionally.

You say yourself - toxic relationship and thought you were ready. Would anything but harsh reality from your mum stopped you continuing with the pregnancy?

But have you been the Mother in this situation ?
It's so easy to say I wouldn't do this or that.... until it's actually happening to you.

"Pro choice but only if you make the choice acceptable to me" when anyone gets pregnant as a teenager. The only acceptable choice is termination, naturally 😑

Sorry but I think your mum did you a favour. She would most likely have ended up caring for the baby. At 16yo the worst thing for you would be to have the baby and your mum gave you a sharp although cold push in the right direction. My mum also said the same. I can't imagine wanting my dc having children at 16yo and wouldn't be too happy if that happened.

I’m torn on this one.

I also had an abortion, but I wasn’t as young as you, I was in my early twenties, but I didn’t even tell my mum because I didn’t need her anxiety and disapproval on top of what was an incredibly difficult time and decision for me.

On the one hand, I wonder if she felt that by supporting you, you would have decided to keep the baby. On the other hand, as a parent, and learning from my own mother on how not to handle difficult and emotional situations, I can’t imagine not hugging my child and providing calm and loving guidance and reassurance to them, regardless of how I felt about their situation.

You were planning on having the baby with her doing all the effort and funding of it. She gave you a reality check.

agree - what were you expecting, OP? you were 16 - she would have had all the crap of a baby in the house, and a kid, and people judging her.

Your mum could have been more supportive, but it sounds better than my mums reaction when I told her I was pregnant at 16, which was to threaten to kill herself if I went ahead (more the shame I think and she had a long history of mental health issues). I didn’t abort and my son’s 28 now, my mum has always adored him. I don’t blame her for reacting badly, and she did come round. I know I’d be very upset for my daughter if she was pregnant but I’d talk to her about options and make sure she knew her life wasn’t over if she did go ahead.

OP, I mean this kindly, but you have to let that particular sentence go.

My 17 yr old DD was suggesting recently that she could just have a baby (despite not having a boyfriend). I said that if she did, that was fine, but she would be 18 by then and would have to work out how to support a baby. She was completely shocked at the idea that I wouldn't be looking after it.

I love her more than I can say. But I have done my stint of looking after children (I am 50 and she is DC5) without a second's help from anyone in my extended family. Now that she is almost an adult, this is my time. I am not going to spend it looking after a baby. I know it sounds uncaring and heartless - but nobody could have put more effort and energy into looking after their children than I did. If my DD wants to have children, she has to be willing and able to do the same.

The problem is that in this case, the mother (and it’s usually the mother) is expected to sacrifice to facilitate the daughter’s choice. The mother in this case didn’t deny her daughter a choice, she just spelt out the consequences.

The mother is allowed to say ‘no, I have my own life and I’m not prepared to do this’. Wanting to have a baby does not make it anyone else’s responsibility, and it’s not forcing you to terminate if they say no.

There was a recent thread on here with a mother who went with her teenage daughter to the clinic to get contraception as she told her mum she was going to have sex with her boyfriend, and she was absolutely ripped apart by a huge number of pearl clutchers as being irresponsible.

My personal feeling is that ignoring contraception in teenage girls leads to exactly the situation you found yourself in. I’m really sorry OP, it sounds like you needed more emotional support at that time and she didn’t give you that. I agree with you that she could have handled it better. I hope you manage to make peace with how it happened with her.

Be fair. I'm almost double your age and knew about contraception at 15/16. I had no sex education at school, my parents didn't discuss it and it was harder to obtain young than 15 years ago.

@CPL593H Good for you. Wasn't my experience.

looking back, no way was I ready and I honestly don't think I would have coped. My life would be completely different if I'd had that baby and due to how happy I am now, I am glad I didn't.

Your Mum knew this. Sometimes tough love is the best love. I wonder how she felt watching her precious child in the grip of a toxic relationship, and pregnant with no prospects?

Just as you think she handled it badly, maybe she thinks about the shock, worry and upset.

Maybe acknowledging to her that how ever it was effected, you are now glad that you didn’t go ahead with the pregnancy would be a good place to start to talk about this. And ask her how she felt when you told her.

IF you want to open it all up. That comes with risk as well as the potential for you to work through it.

Good luck - I hope you find equilibrium, one way or another.

OP, I think there are two different things at play here.

The first is her decision to tell you that you wouldn't have financial or physical support from her to raise the baby. That might not be everyone's parental decision, but it was a fair one for her to make.

The second is not to be there for you emotionally having made the choice to abort. That's not okay. You were a kid going through trauma. For the very same reason that it sounds like a baby wasn't the right call for you at that moment, she could and should have shown more compassion.

I think that chances are if you'd have kept it she wouldn't have kicked you out. However, realistically if you'd kept it you would have been imposing on her massively. She'd have had to have sacrificed a lot financially and practically. I don't think it's fair when teens have babies and effectively their parents are forced into parenting their grandchildren. She should have been more sympathetic but ultimately she did you a favour

Her dd was 16 and pg. Whatever happened was going to be hard. She made the reality clear so you could make an informed decision. Relationships with teens are really difficult and fraught at that age, I bet she wanted to hug you.

@whumpthereitis

Maybe I misread but didn't op say her choice was abortion or homelessness? Not much of a choice really, if you're being pressured like that.

I'm the UK there are enough resources around. If your in education, your child gets a funded nursery place as early as possible. University students get childcare grant for nursery fees. Perfectly possible to support your child without slaving away.

I get obviously why her mum wouldn't want it, but still not acceptable to force somebody's hand. Nor the place of others here to decide what the best choice is, really imo

You had no sex education in school? I'm 7 years older than you and we had it at school. It was a part of the learning topics. Sex education was made mandatory in U.K. under the 1993 education act. You can't blame your mum for you getting pregnant. Did you ask her about sex before you started having it?

I think she did it right. It wasn't just about you. Another life would've had to suffer for the choices of two teenagers.

No your mum was terrible and tbh you should raise it with her OP.

Had you left school? You would of found a job for a short while. My mum was 17 was she gave birth to me... I'm now 31 and I remember asking my mum what her own mum said. She said my nan cried! Both my and her sister fell pregnant young and they had a cousin that was 14!! The cousins dad had a heart attack and died... family swear it was the shock..

I think if your mum had issues with emotions that was probably a lot to do

Generation comes into play because when my mum had me she seemed to have several friends having kids also around 17.

Did you intentionally get pregnant to try to mend a toxic relationship? It is worded like you did. This would have been an awful relationship to bring a child into.

tbh I'm not sure what you wanted your mum to do. She told you if you had the baby, you're choosing adult responsibility. You chose not to do that. Your life is good now because of that.

All of this.

I had a termination age 19 (still with the father 21 years later but we weren’t ready) and my mum wasn’t overly emotional. She supported me as in took me and waited with me but not a lot of talking. I know it was hard for her. She lost my sister at 3 months old and here was I ending a baby’s life. I think expectations of parents can simply be too high. Parents have feelings too and there’s no rule book. If she’d said you could stay living at home and she’d support you you likely would gave kept the baby… how different your life would be linked to you ex for years through a dc.