TRIGGER WARNING Abortion - to think my mum handled this incorrectly?

[sanchezmanchez]

When I was 16 I fell pregnant, I was in a very toxic relationship at the time. I really thought I was ready for a baby and would fix my relationship so was going to keep it.

I grew up with a idyllic childhood, never wanted for nothing but my mum was pretty shut off emotionally. When I finally told her I was pregnant and my plans she said, 'if you're keeping the baby then you won't be able to live in this house anymore'. I had no money, no qualifications, and no where to go so had no choice but to abort the baby.

15 years on, my life is great. I don't regret the abortion as looking back, no way was I ready and I honestly don't think I would have coped. My life would be completely different if I'd had that baby and due to how happy I am now, I am glad I didn't.

However, I now have an 8 year old dd and although I'm thankful I went ahead with it, I often look back and think how badly my mum handled the situation.

The sentence above is all she kept saying to me, she never spoke to me about how I felt, before, during, or after the procedure.

AIBU to think she handled it badly or is that a fair enough reaction?

I mean she never explicitly said to me to abort the baby but she kind of left me with no notion. It was baby and go homeless or no baby and stay in the family home.

She was 16, a kid in many ways, she needed to be told her options and discuss the consequences of each option.

A kid has no business having another kid. The op was in the worst set up and admits this was not a mistake. Her mother did the right thing.

Being forced into an abortion as she had no alternatives is not what a good parent should do.

Yes there were alternatives. op admits she thought a baby would fix the relationship. And doesn’t regret it. Op was too young to realise what a mistake it was. Probably didn’t really think about the impact on her mother when she decided she was keeping it and assumed she would remain at home with her mother financing them. Op definitely wouldn’t have known how hard a baby can be.

the mother made her own decision. She wasn’t willing to take in the responsibility of another child that she had no input into the creation of.

Ops mother may have done some things wrong. We all do. But drawing her line in the sand so Op could make a decision with all the knowledge isn’t one of them.

Sometimes a parent simply can not support their children making a decision they know will ruin their lives.

When I was 16 I fell pregnant, I was in a very toxic relationship at the time. I really thought I was ready for a baby and would fix my relationship so was going to keep it.

Just read that again. You were clearly in cloud cuckoo land and your mum had to get you to see reason somehow.

I was in a very toxic relationship at the time. I really thought I was ready for a baby and would fix my relationship so was going to keep it.

Your mum absolutely did the right thing because of the above.

As soon as she said you’re on your own you changed your mind - surely if you and your bf have a baby it’s up to you both to look after it, not your mum.
She knew you didn’t really want this baby.

If my DD is ever in this situation then I’d say the same.
If she wants a baby then it’s up to her to look after it.

If she chose to keep it still then I of course would fully support her but if anything happened to me I’d need to know she can cope with a baby on her own.

Your mother was thinking only of herself and not your well being and that’s a shame. Her cold cruel response will be something you will never forget. She should have spoken to you about having sex, contraception, making wise choices. Her job was and is to guide you, as a young child explain to you your personal boundaries no one has the right to invade, about romantic and sexual relationships later on, consequences of sexual intimacy, all of that. So many parents are like this, they don’t talk to their children. Then they get angry at their teen for their own failure as a parent.

Exactly!

I never had any of that chat, still don’t.

OP
You're an adult now. Can you look at the situation from her ( then) point of view? What was going on in her life? Was money tight? Was she close to her mum?
People do the best they can. You ( as a SW) deal with difficult things daily- perhaps she did the very best she could, which wasn't quite to your standard.

I can't believe so many saying she gave you a reality check, she didn't want to bring up another baby etc. Your mum did none of that she simply set an ultimatum. In my eyes she just didn't want the shame etc in her home. She gave you no choice and she knew that.
My mum is not a warm parent but she handled my teen pregnancy a hell of a lot better than that!
I'm glad you can see it was the best for you but I wouldn't be thanking her for that.

I have a 16 year old who is sexually active and when we spoke about contraception and then her choices if she were to become pregnant. Not judging and I told her I would support her with anything. She's my child and I love her and I would never threaten her to get rid of a baby. I would discuss things with her and ultimately it would be her choice.

sorry but the response was a dirt common textbook response from that period in time. most parents born in the 50's would say exactly that as a knee jerk response as that was routinely mentioned in movies books and hair salons.
as a matter of fact my mil (born in 32) made similar comments to friends and family.

Times were different I guess.
Not to justify it though.
At least you are now a mum too with a dd. So you can change the path if you are ever in the same situation. I have no idea what i would do or say when my 16yo was pregnant from her toxic teenage lover....

for everyone saying DM was wrong to shut off emotionally - I read OP AS dm was shut off emotionally throughout childhood - not that was her reaction to the pregnancy.
I'm sure we'd all like perfect parents - but being shut off emotionally is just the way some people are.

Your mum didn't want a baby in the house, that's fair enough. It's hard enough just living in the same house with a baby when it's your own much loved and wanted child. The screaming and crying at all hours above all else is a massively unfair thing to impose on someone you live with, even if they never have to lift a finger to provide any care. Add on that your mum would have probably had to provide significant financial help, and you'd likely want babysitting if not full on shared responsibility for everyday care, i 100% agree with her to tell you that if you kept the pregnancy, you would have to find elsewhere to live.
It's her home, she had the right to want to live her life in her home without a baby present. She didn't take the option of keeping the baby away from you, you could have looked into council housing, gone to live with the boyfriend whose baby it was, or gone to another family member or friend if any were willing. All she did was make it clear keeping it and living with her, wasn't an option.

If you thought you were old/mature enough to be having sex, you were old/mature enough to take responsibility of having safe sex, and the consequences of potential pregnancy and how you'd provide for the baby if you chose not to use contraception.

Sometimes people say things with out thinking or wording it right just from the emotions of it. She said what she thought, you did what you did and are glad you didn't have it. You're happy now, can't you just be happy? What would stirring it up now do and what do you hope to gain from it?

Sometimes I think as adults we go looking for things in the past that we think our parents did wrong especially when we become parents and think we would never handle a situation the way they did, for some mistreatment that's justified but in this case just let it go. I can't imagine what's to gain from it.

She made you realise the implications of having a baby. You weren't going to be able to leave it with her and go back to being a 16 year old. You'd have had to find home, finance it and care for your child. You decided this wasn't what you wanted and had a termination. I'd say this was a pretty good example of parenting under the circumstances. Maybe she wouldn't have followed through if you had gone ahead, but she gave you the reality check you needed.

I think it's really sad that your mum was not there emotionally for you must have been so hard to go through that and at such a young age too with no support and made to feel almost shamed and even bullied into it because it was not what she wanted,she could have done it in a more supportive way even still being clear that living at home wouldn't have been possible and could have discussed the other options available with you like looking into alternative housing, benefits, adoption etc and getting you counciling prior to it as sounds like she made the decision for you

Exactly. OP knows it was the right decision not to continue the pregnancy. At the time she wanted to have a baby, whilst in her m mums house, with her mums financial support. Her mum said no. OP could have looked at other options herself if she really wanted to have a baby on her own. The mum can't be blamed for not encouraging a teen pregnancy to continue, I wouldn't either.

It sounds like you were living in a cloud cuckoo land when you were 16. An abusive boyfriend who you thought having a baby with would fix the relationship.

I suspect your DM was exasperated and had no idea how to help you come to your senses, so all she could do was, effectively, force you into making the choice that was in your best interests by making the reality of that choice as real to you as she could.

I think, if she was not prepared to support you (and that is certainly fair enough), she was absolutely right to make that clear to you. It sounds like you could have used a more emotionally skilled parent in the years leading up to that point - helping you develop the skills you needed to not get into an abusive relationship and to not get pregnant. But you don't automatically get those emotional skills as a parent.

I agree with this.

Is your mum still shut off emotionally?
maybe at 16 she spoke with u the best way she knew how and made it blunt because she knew u would listen?
Maybe she has delt with all kind of trauma in her past or something similar that meant she couldn’t be there emotionally for u?
I think it is time for u to forgive her but maybe explore with her her past?

So at 16, you knew enough about sex to plan and to keep a baby, in order to save your relationship, and that you felt ready for one - yet somehow you blame your mother for not teaching you about contraception?

There's a lot of people at 16, that think they know it all. Sounds like you lived a privileged life, and that baby wasn't just going to impact you. Your mum gave you the reality of your choice to get pregnant. Take responsibility for that.

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If she's a 'kid' why is this acceptable?:

i 100% agree with her to tell you that if you kept the pregnancy, you would have to find elsewhere to live.

Not sure how you can on the one hand claim someone is too irresponsible to have a child of their own (likely true) and simultaneously, essentially blackmail them. Because saying a 16 year old will need to live elsewhere (they can't rent) and have to drop their education (due to no family support) is not a free choice. And it's also abandoning your child and potential grandchild.

If they're too irresponsible to raise a child, why would chucking them out help in any possible way besides manipulating them to do what you want

I'm glad it worked out, but these methods are really not good and surprised people think this is ok. 16 is a 'kid' only when it suits, apparently.