TRIGGER WARNING Abortion - to think my mum handled this incorrectly?

[sanchezmanchez]

When I was 16 I fell pregnant, I was in a very toxic relationship at the time. I really thought I was ready for a baby and would fix my relationship so was going to keep it.

I grew up with a idyllic childhood, never wanted for nothing but my mum was pretty shut off emotionally. When I finally told her I was pregnant and my plans she said, 'if you're keeping the baby then you won't be able to live in this house anymore'. I had no money, no qualifications, and no where to go so had no choice but to abort the baby.

15 years on, my life is great. I don't regret the abortion as looking back, no way was I ready and I honestly don't think I would have coped. My life would be completely different if I'd had that baby and due to how happy I am now, I am glad I didn't.

However, I now have an 8 year old dd and although I'm thankful I went ahead with it, I often look back and think how badly my mum handled the situation.

The sentence above is all she kept saying to me, she never spoke to me about how I felt, before, during, or after the procedure.

AIBU to think she handled it badly or is that a fair enough reaction?

I mean she never explicitly said to me to abort the baby but she kind of left me with no notion. It was baby and go homeless or no baby and stay in the family home.

To everyone saying I am blaming everything on my mum - I take it you won't speak to your teenagers about sex and contraception since they are taught it in school? When they are too busy giggling than actually paying attention.

Yanbu. If either of mine had been pregnant at 16, I would have hoped they’d choose abortion. I would have discussed the options and reality of parenting and encouraged them towards not keeping it. But I would never want them to feel my support, let alone their home, was dependent on doing as I dictated.

Abortion is a perfectly good choice for any pregnant woman, particularly so for a 16yr old with an unplanned pregnancy. But it’s a choice, not something that someone should feel they have been forced to do.

I also think your mum did you a big favour. You would have been tied to a toxic man forever. Perhaps you would have also stayed with him and your life would have been very different.

Maybe she handled it badly, I don’t know really as you were on a path of self destruct and she had to remain strong. Perhaps being aloof was necessary for her to take her seriously. Idk. You were so very young. Please try to make peace with this however you are able.

If you weren't sure, why didn't you approach her? You need to take responsibility, you had unprotected sex and got pregnant. She told you she wouldn't support you and you made your decision to abort. You seem to be hell bent on blaming your mum for you actually getting pregnant and the abortion.

My mum would have done exactly the same thing. She would have been right.

I will absolutly give my children the sex talk with very clear knowledge that should they get pregnant that is a them problem and I will fully help with an abortion and not with a baby.

Nobody is buying that at 16 you didn't know how babies were made and that it could be prevented. Some things just can't be blamed on parents

No your mother didn’t handle it well, she handled it terribly. Apparently so would lots of mothers on here.

Funny, because I’ve seen the total opposite reaction when it’s a man/the partner basically forcing abortion. (Or making it difficult to make any other decision but abortion.) Somehow it’s ok if it’s your mother? 😐

I have 3 daughters, I could NEVER put them in that position. Textbook bad parenting.

Your mum should be ashamed of herself. She could have made it clear that she thought an abortion was your best option without cutting you off emotionally. It's sad to see all these people saying she was right, doing nothing whilst your child is in pain is disgusting

The man is a willing participant of the creation of that child. Fully responsible for its existence

The mother did nothing to create it and does not have to shoulder any of the responsibilities for its life.

Surely, no one should be having a baby expecting and trying to force someone (other than one of the 2 people who made the baby) to take responsibility for it.

Op wasn’t forced. Her mother just made clear she wouldn’t be taking on the responsibility for it. Op had other options and decided not to pursue them.

I do think her mum should have discussed options with her. But I don’t believe she should have had to take responsibility for the baby.

@AskingforaBaskin her mother just wanted to control the situation and ensure she made the decision she wanted.

Can you not see there is a huge difference in saying ‘if you have this baby you can’t live here, end of.’

or ‘I cannot support you financially in this, I cannot house you and a baby but I will support you emotionally. These are your options. This is what I think is best for you. Blah blah blah….

By handling it the way she did she was making sure her daughter had no other choice. Rank!

She had options. But they weren't to stay at home and have her mother look after the kid/contribute financially.

No because she doesn't have to support her emotionally. That is a tax the mother may not have been able to provide at that time.

OP had many options of which she could have researched. The mother did a brilliant job of not setting her child up to fail by making false promises or allowing her child to think she had a get out of jail free card.

Well no she doesn’t have to, but that’s the whole point in the discussion really isn’t it?

You think she did a brilliant job & I think she did a shitty one. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I’m not saying having a baby at 16 would have been the right decision but it should of been OPs decision & she shouldn’t of been pressured.

She did make the decision. The mother didn't gag her and force it on her. She had options and she chose.

She doesn't have to like what happened, but it was her choice.

Maybe. But I think you are still greatly influenced by your parents at 16 rightly or wrongly. Fear of disappointing them or fear of being completely alone. Doesn’t leave much room for choice, does it?

I think she wanted you to make a strong descision. My parents made sure I knew that if I kept mine it would be my baby and they weren’t going to do it for me. Because I needed boundaries. She obviously finds it hard opening up and that’s not her fault. My parents helped loads once my son was born but I’m glad they made me step up and didn’t give me an easy ride. Parenting is hard I would try and give your mum the benefit of the doubt and let sleeping dogs lie. It all worked
out for the best x

And that's why OP was not mature enough at that moment.

Her mother knew better and ensured everyone was protected and safe.

@AskingforaBaskin If you like, but I wholeheartedly disagree. Whether OP was ready for a baby or not isn't the question, whether the mother handled it the right way is. The OP’s mum is lucky that it turned out ok for OP & she wasn’t completely screwed up by it. It could of ruined their relationship forever. That’s not a risk I’m willing to take with my children!

Apparently you don't have to emotionally support your own child (making their own choice)... and having a child is setting yourself up to fail😒

Yeah, you would, wouldn't you, if this is what your mother was whispering in your ear. Sad that this is some people's reality - and that others think inflicting homelessness as the penalty for continuing a pregnancy is a good thing.

Whoops, in response to @AskingforaBaskin

I was pregnant at 16 and there was never any discussion with my parents about having the baby.
My parents were actually very kind and swiftly organised the termination.
I have never regretted that decision and can honestly say that I am thankful that my parents dealt with it how they did.

She was in a toxic relationship and wanted her mother to shoulder the responsibility. This is not a functioning adult asking for a grandparents role in a usual way.
This would have financially and emotionally affected the mother and she was just drawing her boundary

Being forced into an abortion as she had no alternatives is not what a good parent should do.

She was 16, a kid in many ways, she needed to be told her options and discuss the consequences of each option.

To carry the emotional weight of the consequences of being pretty much given no other alternative and to live with it at 16- could have seriously messed you up forever.

I had an abortion later on in life which I do not regret but I feel guilt, pain, hurt still and it was years ago. It will never leave me. My mom wasn't the best either she told me to never tell my father and basically that she was disgusted with me. Shame and secrets aren't good parenting either.

@Littlepaws18 so who should then shoulder the responsibility if a 16 yo wants to have a child 'yes mum I promise I want this' then when it's the stressful toddler days and all the other 18yos are out clubbing and they don't want to do it, who picks up?