Why are people on here so pressed about the existence of SAHMs?

[DaffodilsandCoffee]

It’s fair enough to point out the existence of certain downsides are risks, but there seems to be so much spite and resentment on here. Why are some posters do angry at the existence of women who prefer to do all the childcare themselves rather than outsource some of it? Also, are they equally as angry at SAHDs? (I know it’s not as common but I personally know 3)

Apologies, I didn't mean it to be insulting.
For many years I was a carer for one of my children, and later on shared in the care of my elderly parents with my other siblings.

I was just very interested in the idea that labour/work only seems to be recognised/valued/respected when it involves payment.

To me that seems very wrong.

Unfortunately in my small town being a SAHM mom was the default for those girls who lacked ambition, drive or personal interests. Best way to set yourself up if you didn't fancy education or working.

This sort of comment is just so so horrible. You’re implying lots of women have children as it’s easier than working, yet there are countless messages on MN about how hard people found being a SAHM. Raising children is important, if it wasn’t working parents wouldn’t need to pay through the nose for childcare (and that’s with very low wages paid to the people who do it, imagine if we were paying these workers what they actually deserve for a very skilled job). I think most people on MN seem to operate in a world where everyone earns a six figure salary (supposedly) the reality is most women on low wages simply can’t afford to go back to work. I’d say NOT being a sahm is more a luxury tbh. IRL all the professional women I know with pretty well paid jobs have made no money or very little extra in the pre school years and they find it very hard. Obviously they have chosen to take the short term hit for a longer term career but for anyone in low paid unskilled work it’s obviously not worth while for them to work to pay childcare fees. There’s something I find a bit uncomfortable on MN about skilled well paid women slagging off those that aren’t, who changes your kids bums all day (and feeds them and plays with them) and cleans your homes? You’re being facilitated by low paid workers. Bit of a cheek to slag other women off for facilitating their parters to work.

And the vast majority of those low paid workers won’t have a pension or any job security either. Plus they will be reliant on UC to top up low wages.

I used to be really jealous of SAHPs until I actually had children. Now I just think you do what is best for your family. I'm no longer jealous of sahps, the ones I know really enjoy it but it just wouldn't work for us.

I always worked but for the last 12 yrs from home. My XH always refused to work and now I've ended our marriage he is forced to do whatever he can to earn a living. Obviously he had a good settlement too.

He didn't take any of the opportunities offered to gain qualifications and could have worked anyway as I was based at home. Now he's paying the price for his choices. He preferred not working. Avoiding the pressure.

I always used to feel inferior as a SAHM but I was the provider. I didn't ever have the choice to not work. But people would use emotive expressions like primary carer (to describe DH). But I was never a part time parent.

I've always been a working mother and never related to those who chose not to. I look at them now and don't see those choices have made a dramatic difference to their children or marriages. They seem bored and unfulfilled and unhappy.

But it's a hot topic like BF or politics!

I don’t know why people can’t seem to understand that each and every situation is different. Even in my own life things have been different at different times that have made an outwardly identical situation a completely different experience.

I despise all the “wohms are farming out their children, sahms are lazy, wohms are jealous, sahms aren’t a good example to their children” stuff. It’s so petty and shortsighted

I think people only notice the negative comments about their own situation. Working mothers feel looked down on by smug SAHMs. While SAHMs feel patronised by smug working mothers.

It’s a bit like the bbc. The Tories see it as a hotbed of socialism. Labour sees it as an instrument of the conservative establishment.

I’ve only ever been a parent that WOTH. I’ve never regretted it. I have been on the receiving end of many pitying comments by SAHMs though in RL.

I'm sure most people do whatever suits their family circumstances and their personal ideals at the time. I've done both.

I found the actual time during the day I was with my children as a SAHM 'harder' than the hours when I am working while employed. However, I find my overall life harder being ft employed (rushing around trying to do housework etc when kids in bed, trying to organise childcare, the panic when kids are ill).

I genuinely believe that if, as a society, we placed more value on all the labour (including domestic) often done by women, the world would be a better place. Imo capitalism is not all that compatible with feminism.

What do you think I wanted? I’m a current SAHP and was shocked at how nasty that other thread was

Almost the first words to come out of my SIL mouth (I met her when I was pregnant) was ‘I don’t approve of working mothers’. Knowing full well I had to work .

Fast forward 26 years. SIL has had an affair and would like to leave her DH but has no income of her own and no means of earning any.

SILs kids are in shitty low paid jobs far from home (despite being graduates) in my opinion because of the rubbish example she set them. Which was basically to sit on your arse and not bother with a proper job because you will be a mum and a rich bloke will come along to help you out. Whereas my kids have graduate jobs because they know they have to rely on themselves.

So, no. I don’t have any respect for
someone who decides to sit on their arse and not work. Especially when they hold themselves up as somewhat superior.

@Dillidilly I hear what your saying and I believe the SAHM saying it's relentless especially whilst children are young and in the summer holidays who ever stays at home is wishing for the school gates to open as the kids are arguing round the house and complaining they are board many of us can relate..

I still think though it's a touchy subject. If anyone has williningly choose to be a SAHP to school aged children people will loose sympathy to some degree. You have chosen that choice and working perhaps are baffled because we do the same as a SAHP the only difference is a SAHP has more time to do certain tasks and doesn't have to adere to a time schedule. That is just the reality.

I've gone to work exhausted with DS. I think each role has to except what comes with their roles. Just like the working parents do.

A SAHP is rosy whilst the going is good. Until it comes crashing down your self esteem and the sense of who you are has gone. I go to work for the rest sometimes and I like talking to adults to it's not about job hierarchy here. It's about what money can't buy... I don't think having no form of adult conversation is healthy at all!

There's more drawbacks for a stay at home woman than a man. A woman saying how she built her husband up whilst looking after the kids.... I believe they supported yes but I also believe that men are in a different league and they would still have their carers either way. After all it's mainly the woman who the the children live with when relationships break down...

The fact your sister in law was a huge bitch doesn’t mean childcare is sitting on your arse, or that you can dismiss people as not worthy of respect. That just makes you like your sister in law.

Careers**

@GalactatingGoddess your SIL seems to have a rough deal and that wouldn’t be for me.
My children are at school & nursery so I’m in the very privileged position of having my time to myself to spend how I please.
I have an income independent of my husband from assets solely in my name and my husband pays into pensions for me.
I do a hell of a lot of volunteer and charity work alongside things I enjoy such as yoga, running and take courses which take my interest.
We also have a cleaner so I don’t feel I fit this frazzled mental image of a SAHM that some seem to have.

I think it’s important to note, as I said upthread, there are many different lifestyles under the SAHM umbrella.

I'd rather gouge my eyes out than hand my young child over to a virtual stranger who'll spend more time with them than I would
I have no issue at all with women who choose to be sahm.

I have an issue with those who post things like the above who end up on the divorce board years later going on about how they sacrificed their career so that their husband could be a high earner when the truth is that they never had a career to start with and always ever wanted just to be a sahm.

I’m planning to work again when my youngest is 3 or 4, but I do think if all my kids were at school I’d have time to keep the house very clean and tidy, cook and bake more exciting things and probably take up a hobby or exercise a lot or something.

I think it’s probably possible to make any tasks fill any amount of time you have, though. Some stay at home parents might develop really high standards for home cleanliness, cook very extravagant meals for their families and so on. I 100% agree it’s a privileged position to be in but I can see how you end up a bit clueless.

Someone said up thread that they found the actual experience of looking after younger kids during the day harder than their job was (which I also find!) but that being a working parent was more stressful overall as they had to cram so much into their time off work, get kids places at a certain time, figure out days off when they were sick and so on. That makes sense to me. The day to do with a toddler and baby can be exhausting (though right now 2.5 is playing independently and 4 month old is napping, and I’m having a coffee…) but the thought of having to get them both ready and out at 7.30 is extremely daunting.

@Louise0701

Defintely different lifestyles. If I won the lottery I would technically fall back into the SAHM category. I enjoy my work but I certainly don’t need it in my life. I could happily fill my days with activities that were meaningful to me.

The competition over who has a harder time seems silly tbh. There’s going to be some in each category who have it harder than some in the other category, for various different reasons.

I think the thing that is actually hard and draining is having kids, whatever you set up. Anyone comparing their pre and post-children lives is going to feel that they’re run ragged now.

I mean, being rich sounds great! We’re definitely comfortable compared with the median family, but not affluent enough that when my kids are school age the benefits of me not working are greater than the benefits of me working, from our perspective.

Mumsnet has also made me aware of the risks to me personally if I didn’t go back ever, and my relationship broke down. The fact you don’t have that risk makes your set up seem especially attractive.

@JollyWilloughby thank you. I find it hard to believe quite odd when people can think of nothing else they would rather do than work if money were no object.

I take the view that you shouldn't judge other people and a "you do you" stance in life.

Personally, I have a two year old daughter who is the light of my life. With our current finances, there is no way I would be a SAHM as honestly, I would be bored out of my mind as I love a mental challenge. This doesn't mean I love her any less, it's just me acknowledging my own faults and knowing I wouldn't be the best, happiest mum I could be. Plus her childminder is basically a fun auntie to spend time with.

Now if I won a ridiculous amount on the lottery, I would like to think I would still work at least part time. If that wasn't feasible, then I would probably still enjoy being a SAHM more as I'll have the finances to go out and do anything I wanted to feel our time. I could even still keep her childminder for a couple of days a week and get 'me time'- which I don't get now as I'm either working or looking after my daughter.

Selfishly my happiest life would probably be part time work/lady who lunches me time and part time SAHM.

I admire SAHMs as I know it is a difficult job and I have the financial choice to not have to do it.

If my daughter grows up and she wants to be a SAHM, then as long as she is happy and fulfilled with that choice I will support her 100% of the way.

At the end of the day, as long as people are happy with their choices and acknowledge their faults, there should be no judgement.

It’s snide, but it was a response to someone saying they’d rather gouge their own eyes out than stay home.

Tbh I think I’ve got a pretty clear understanding of how these conflicts play out and what people on each side are provoked by now. I’m glad I asked.

@DaffodilsandCoffee completely understand that I’m in a privileged position.
i agree with you that this competitiveness over who has it harder is silly. As has been said many times, we all do what is best for us or our families and that should be enough.

Why so defensive? It’s not horrible, it’s true. Just because you don’t like something, doesn’t make it horrible. It is true that a generation of girls from a certain socioeconomic background had one one ambition - to get pregnant to have an easy life (how wrong that perception that was). Getting huffy about poor aspirations doesn’t actually raise those aspirations.

Yes it's the rushing and the sick days.. its a emotional pressure. Its relentless especially if you are the only parent at home to do everything! It's the homework and the after school clubs.

I just want to add when I said about adult conversation that is not a dig at anybody individual choice. I think as a mum it's very easy to loose yourself because kids are the priority. I think some on this forum think it's a slanging match or competition.

I do not have a daughter but even if she struck upon extreme wealth my opinion remains the same I would wish that she has her own job and independence weather that be to study or work in a super market.

I think husbands do loose respect weather the wife's are unaware of this because at the start of this agreement they was sold that they are doing a wonderful job but once your children start school I think it's very uncessary to be dragging cooking and baking over 5 days a week and cleaning as though working parents don't do these things. It sounds like a poor excuse to me.

I over heard a surgeon at work speak upon his own ex wife 4 kids... he himself said his own wife was lazy and never wanted to work!!

I wonder what he used to tell her at the time.