Why are people on here so pressed about the existence of SAHMs?

[DaffodilsandCoffee]

It’s fair enough to point out the existence of certain downsides are risks, but there seems to be so much spite and resentment on here. Why are some posters do angry at the existence of women who prefer to do all the childcare themselves rather than outsource some of it? Also, are they equally as angry at SAHDs? (I know it’s not as common but I personally know 3)

@Louise0701 i think you are in a situation that few people are. I’m glad it works for you.

The only thing I find strange is the you must be jealous thing. Do women who think we’re all jealous of SAHM think their husbands are jealous of them? Or is it just other women?

Raising kids is hard enough. No need to argue - everyone’s situation is different and we have different strengths and weaknesses.

SAHM + caring for child or parent with health problems/disabilities may be harder than wohp + children with no additional health issues. If the parent has health problems themselves it can make the work harder.

also - not all jobs are the same stress, difficulty, hours - so kinda can’t say all are easier/harder than wohp. It’s not a competition - just play to our strengths, try and get most of our priorities satisfied (eg tidy home vs time to play board games vs sport vs extra help with homework vs yummy meal from scratch - everyone ranks these differently, few people will have the time/energy/money to do all of it).

I think so. My DP is probably more than me. He'd love more time with DC.
But he's never had time off. I think he'd run out of things to do & get bored.

I think it’s the emotive language used. In my experience in real life no one really gives a shit if someone gives up work, although they often won’t understand why and other working mums often don’t have anything in common with them.

on here though it’s all “ I did it to support my husbands career” “I wanted to raise my children myself” “why have kids to let someone else raise them” “we are raising the next generation” “I’m a full time mum unlike those who outsource” “they are all jealous of me” and loads of other quite unpleasant nonsense. Which then has people retaliating as it is nonsense. And much of it quite unpleasant.

the truth is some women do work because they have to.and would rather not.

Many many others work because they want to and do not perceive living off their husbands money, often on a budget as money is tight, no financial independence and doing all the domestic work as something they’d ever wish to do. But when someone says they would never do it, then they are attacked as being jealous and a liar.

it’s a vicious circle really.

I often read on here that sahm's won't be able to get back into their careers. It's not been my experience.

I spent years worrying about this but I've landed a great role after 14 years as a sahm Mum on similar professional role (plus inflation) to before I had kids.

I’m not sure if this is just a stealth boast? I assume so because it’s not really answering the op and I’m sure you know that that’s highly unusual unless you’re stacking shelves down Tesco. Most people. Male or female. Who are professionals and unemployed for 14 years will struggle to get back into thr work place.

Not a boast, I'm in a niche industry with staff shortages. Just answering the many comments on this thread talking about the risk sahms are putting themselves under.

Encouraging sahms that they may well be able to get back into work more easily than is often portrayed. I spent years worrying about this.

Well, on another thread about a similar subject, I said I supported both women who work and women who stay at home.

Apparently, that wasn't right either lol 🙄

I also think posters on MN tend to forget the very many women who do both: stay at home while their children are small, then go back to work when they go to school.

SAHM threads always blow up and most of the comments are from women who claim they would rather eat their arm than be a SAHM etc etc. But why bother to come on a thread just to say that?

Would they feel the need to go on a thread about people who work in insurance, just to state they wouldn't want to work in insurance (or whatever)? No. So clearly, something about SAHMs riles them enough to post. So what is it about SAHMs that unsettles them?

Its a combination of some or all of the below -

• jealousy - financial or lifestyle (often thinly disguised)
• insecurity - 'What is she doing with her kids all day that I'm not?'
• bitterness - why does her husband give her that choice when mine can't / won't?
• confusion - 'Why doesn't she prize her career as I do? Why does she have different priorities to me?'

So this all comes out in the usual snipes - sometimes dressed up as 'concern.'

Unfortunately, in the U.K. today, few women have the choice to become a SAHM. Either they need two incomes or the husband insists they work. Some men don't even have joint finances - with the mothers if their own children. Snd too many women accept snd facilitate this mentality in men - having been brainwashed it's all part and parcel of 'independence.' It's horrific really. What we are seeing is that too often, 'having it all' just means 'doing it all' for women and that's the sad reality. So no wonder so many on here are fascinated and unsettled by any woman who has choice in the matter. Choice is privilege basically.

I was obviously on MAT leave when DS was born, loved the first few months with him. I returned full time. I've never been so bloody exhausted in my life. When I was made redundant I tried to be a SAHM. Financially it was hard, mentally it was harder. Offers of childcare were few and far between as I mustn't of appeared to 'need' it. I found a part time job and now Financially and mentally I have a good balance. I respect all parents. At home, full or part time working. Each comes with their own difficulties.
I think the insulting can sometimes be from jealousy. Other times it's how SAHP describe themselves, such as full time parent, we ALL are. If you're working or not everything you do is for DC. Personally, if I was in a financial position to stay home I probably wouldn't. I find I need the adult company and working is actually a bit of a break. Each to their own, as long as everyone is happy with the set up it shouldn't matter.

Not a boast, I'm in a niche industry with staff shortages. Just answering the many comments on this thread talking about the risk sahms are putting themselves under.

In which you know you are the exception, not the rule.

I agree it's less common, but I know four families where the Mum's career is the main one and the Dad's are either SAHD's or working p-t.

@mijas

If my oh tried to give me that choice I'd dump him

Do sahms really think wm think like that 🤣

@Cameleongirl

Same in fact had the discussion with my husband this morning and we know a lot of families whereby the wife is the high flyer and the husbands career has taken a backseat and they’re more involved in school picks ups by working part time etc. I am pleased people are breaking down these norms. Whatever works for your family I guess.

@JollyWilloughby i agree, families should do whatever suits them best. Since posting I’ve thought of another two families I know where the Mum has the high flying career vs. the Dad’s p-t role. Perhaps society is slowly beginning to shift.

I did comment on the other thread. I was a SAHM for 3.5 years. I developed a neurological condition my DH had his head turned suddenly he changed into someone else. I was financially very vulnerable I did a master's and got myself a career but I'll never let myself be reliant on a man ever again.

I know right, she can't even comprehend that some people actively choose to work because they want to.

I could have given up my job, lived on DH's £22k a year plus top ups from UC. It would have been liveable, we have a small mortgage, could have cut everything else down to the basics only and survived.

I chose to work, I chose to actively pursue career advancement. Many women do.

Perhaps society is slowly beginning to shift.

I think so see also more paternity leave. DHs firm offers 3 months

I'd rather gouge my eyes out than hand my young child over to a virtual stranger who'll spend more time with them than I would.

Different strokes for different folks.

I try not to comment on those threads because I will happily admit I am jealous of SAHM's.
I can't see why people are always desperate to tell the poster multiple times that she must go back to work, even if she doesn't want or need to.
Just let people do what they need to do.

I'd rather gouge my eyes out than hand my young child over to a virtual stranger who'll spend more time with them than I would.

Do you home school?

In answer to your question, perhaps because they see what could happen in the event of a relationship breakdown.

I work FT, and other than maternity leave, always have. I've recently started working a 9 day fortnight, so I get an extra day off every 2 weeks. I enjoy my work (when I don't have an awful boss), and earn good money. My DC are in wraparound care.

When I left my EXDP, I was able to make that choice knowing I wasn't having to choose between which of emotional abuse or poverty was worse. I knew I'd be fine because I earned twice what my EX did, and still did the lions share of parenting and wifework.

Friends in similar situations who are SAHMs feel they cannot leave as they have no way of supporting themselves and 2 or 3 DC, so they stay and put up with whatever crap their DP/DH throws at them. It's a really precarious position to be in, as unless your DP/DH is a higher earner, maintenance isn't actually that much, and a lot of these abusive men will do as much as they can to hide money/assets.

@Superhanz

Ooooh wait till you hear about schools!

Jealousy.
I think a lot of the harping on about sahm being financially precarious position is false concern stemming from Jealousy.
I appreciate some may be genuine I.e from people who have been stung in this position.

however people make lots of financially precarious choices, taking less stable jobs, buying overpriced lease cars, having another child that will make things a squeeze. Yet there doesn’t seem to be the Pearl clutching concern faux? Concern that goes with it.

I also think some people deep down aren’t secure with their own choices to return to work so they attack or belittle those who make different choices.