Why are people on here so pressed about the existence of SAHMs?

[DaffodilsandCoffee]

It’s fair enough to point out the existence of certain downsides are risks, but there seems to be so much spite and resentment on here. Why are some posters do angry at the existence of women who prefer to do all the childcare themselves rather than outsource some of it? Also, are they equally as angry at SAHDs? (I know it’s not as common but I personally know 3)

@atotalshambles is it different then if SAHMs are getting state support?

@mijas

Didnt you post anecdotes about the degree educated and motivated sahms you know?

Why is that allowed?

I find this martyring about being devoted to your children really fucking weird and regressive and BTW your children won’t thank you for being an overbearing weirdo when you’re older. I work, I enjoy my work and it’s an important job that makes a difference to people’s lives.

I really loved having a SAHM. I liked her being there to walk me to and from school, play with after school etc. I didn't find it overbearing. I was less close with my dad who did work, still loved him but did less with him due to time restraints. My mum would still go out and see friends etc. But the idea that kids won't like having an "overbearing" sahm isn't true. Some kids don't like having two working parents either. Some kids do fine at boarding school, others feel neglected. Different things work for different families, and the problem is that you can't really tell how your kids will feel about your work or sahm or school choices, until they are older.

@Silverswirl

Why don't as many men feel this sense of duty to care for their children without any 'outsourcing'

Are you calling SAHM’s overbearing weirdos?
Why is it ‘fucking weird’ to be devoted to your children?
You mentioned tearing down each other’s choices but then go on to say that your way is the way things SHOULD be.
Well maybe in your world but in mind, I am mummy and only mummy to my small kids. They don’t care that I go and get lashed on a Saturday night with the girls, or go on a spa day or do a job that leaves them with someone else all day. They really don’t care about me being something other than mum. All they want is mum. This will change of course when they are older and having an independent life away from me but that’s how it is for now!

I just think it's funny.

The sweeping statements only go one way, and also the assumption that if you are not employed then you are sat in a corner staring at a wall.

Then simultaneously that we do nothing?

Then there's the idea that your children won't respect you if you don't work.

It's sad because their lives revolve around employment - something that spits you out upon retirement and you never hear from again.

Unlike your children if you devote your lives to them.

Many reasons. Some biological and some from generations of the status quo of society.
But mainly stems from biology.
Men strong, testosterone and aggression, kill food, fight predators.
Women nurturing, child baring, breast feeding, hormone release to have greater attachment to child.
This is how humans have evolved. How most mammals have evolved. Our thin veneer of modern society can try to change that but it’s not easy to erase / change 200,000 years of human history.

I wasn’t saying SAHMs were overbearing (though did suspect someone would take it that way). I said that the attitude we should all only ever focus on our children and enjoy every last second of parenting can be very overbearing for a child and totally unrealistic.

I take my kids to school and play with them after school too. You don’t need to be a SAHM to do that.

Are you calling SAHM’s overbearing weirdos?

No. I’m calling the people who are completely bemused by what working mothers could possibly be thinking about overbearing weirdos

Why is it ‘fucking weird’ to be devoted to your children?

Its not. I didn’t say that. I said the people who martyr themselves about being devoted to their children are ducking weirdos. Please stop being obtuse

I don't need society to value me. I need my husband and child to. They are the ones who will be there for me until the end. Society's going to shit anyway.

Does society value you once you become sick and have to give up work? Or if you lose your job?

Where does being valued by society really get you?

You mentioned tearing down each other’s choices but then go on to say that your way is the way things SHOULD be.

Did I?! Where?

I said it was right for me. I didn’t do this faux wondering about why women don’t want to spend every waking moment with their kids. HTH

Well maybe in your world but in mind, I am mummy and only mummy to my small kids. They don’t care that I go and get lashed on a Saturday night with the girls, or go on a spa day or do a job that leaves them with someone else all day. They really don’t care about me being something other than mum. All they want is mum.

Good for you? I’m just saying, I consider MY feelings about my life not just my children’s. I’ll never, ever only just live for them and their perception of me. I care about what I do on a Saturday night. My feelings matter too, and I let my children know this.

I never understand the ‘your kids won’t respect you if you don’t work’ argument.
Kids (esp younger kids) don’t care about you going to work. Children only want stability, security, routine and reassurance. They want to feel secure and whilst that is perfectly possible with the right childcare, they most certainly don’t have ‘respect for you going to work’
Children are inherently self centred. It’s all about them and their needs. They just need stability and a main ‘someone’ who is always there for them. They really don’t care about you going to work.

Who's martyring? Martyrs cause themselves suffering.

The ideal situation for me imo:

• Be a "SAHP"


• But enough family income to be able to pay for two live in nannies


• Enough individual assets to draw a liveable investment income if required


• Sporadic bits of "work" on enjoyable desirable projects with all the boring parts outsourced to other people


• Most time just spent enjoying arts and culture, socialising and learning interesting things with no specific purpose

Everything else is a compromise with necessity.

Who said SAHMs just stare at a wall??

innever said children won’t respect you if you don’t work. They won’t respect you however if you only ever live for them and never yourself - wether you’re a SAHM or working mum, if you subscribe to the belief that only good mums always want to be around their children I’m afraid you’re wrong.

@Silverswirl

Very few of those things apply to me or my oh.

Wonder if we're broken.

Testosterone doesn't prevent my kids dad from caring for them. Thank fuck.

I've never really understood why some sahms can't grasp the concept of balance. And of doing more than one thing and having time for and enjoying all of them

Some of the comments are hilarious

Wow this thread has turned deeply unpleasant.

Nasty shit being thrown both ways.

Though I think it answers the op original question. Sahm are treated badly in MN. Some poster just like to try and make others feel shit. Doesn’t matter whether they work or don’t. Some people just really think this shit is ok.

So it’s not Sahms that people get ‘pressed’ about it. It’s just some people get pressed about people who do things differently and feel the need to try and those who choose something different down.

That is true but I was just pointing out that it’s not the way it should be for everyone. Some people do live for their children and enjoy doing so and that’s ok too. It’s not being a martyr or a weirdo it’s just different peoples choices and life experiences.

I never understand the ‘your kids won’t respect you if you don’t work’ argument.
Kids (esp younger kids) don’t care about you going to work. Children only want stability, security, routine and reassurance. They want to feel secure and whilst that is perfectly possible with the right childcare, they most certainly don’t have ‘respect for you going to work’

I didn’t say they wouldn’t respect you if you didn’t go to work. Where has that come from. I said they wouldn’t respect you if you had no interests outside of them (and work).

And again I don’t just take my children’s opinion into account about my life. I woman should - men certainly don’t.

Personally I think children should see all parents pursue their own life and interests outside of work, if they do work - I don’t think that’s a nasty or unreasonable comment.

And of doing more than one thing and having time for and enjoying all of them

I guess because I don't work, but I can't imagine fitting everything in with a FT job. I can feel myself start to stress just thinking about it. I don't think working FT is very balanced anyway, it means the majority of your healthy life you are spent working or sleeping.

TBH I’ve only seen shot thrown at working mums because they don’t offer their childrens company 24/7 over that of other people 🤷‍♀️ and some obtuse bemusement about “Wow what do they even THINK about but work”.

still dying to know who @woodenwindchimes thought I was

Lots of working parents who ‘would die of boredom and frustration’ as a SAHM don’t seem to realise that for lots of SAHM it’s not solely done by choice- many feel it’s their duty once they have chosen to become a parent, to do all child rearing and not to outsource
It is still a choice, felling it's a duty or not. Not a bad one, but a choice.

There is a difference with judging sahm for their choice and judging them for saying it is not a choice, be it at the time or in retrospect.