Why are people on here so pressed about the existence of SAHMs?

[DaffodilsandCoffee]

It’s fair enough to point out the existence of certain downsides are risks, but there seems to be so much spite and resentment on here. Why are some posters do angry at the existence of women who prefer to do all the childcare themselves rather than outsource some of it? Also, are they equally as angry at SAHDs? (I know it’s not as common but I personally know 3)

I'm a stay at home mum because I am disabled, people don't like this at all. I get crappy comments all the time from people who work, I assume it's nothing but jealousy. To be fair I'd rather be well and working.

Lol, I’m not ‘viciously trying to defend my decision’, as there’s nothing to defend, I’m doing nothing wrong, but your post in particular made me do a massive eye roll because it’s so untrue that ‘a lot’ of other women are jealous and hate having to work FT. Interesting that ALL the FTMs you know hate having to work so much. Do they really, all of them, or have you assumed that?

if you need validation from other women about your choices, if you need them to ‘wish’ they were a SAHM mum like you, then that’s not something anyone else can help with I’m afraid.

Morning. Yes, I think it's very weird when people feel the need to post random newspaper articles. I mean, you could find any perspective on anything and post it. Imagine - just for one second - if this was a thread about women who go to work and I came on and posted some random article from some random bloke years ago saying, "Oh woe is me - my wife is always at work. She cares more about that then me or the kids. Woe woe woe.... blah blah blah." That would be a very stupid (not to mention spiteful) thing to do wouldn't it. It would almost be as if I had an agenda..., hmmm.

And as for the .., "I once knew a man in my office who was disrespectful about his wife and another one who said blah blah blah.,," Er, so what? Does it never happen that men are disrespectful about their wives who are working all hours and doing everything else besides? Clue - certain men are wankers. If they're not slagging off the wives for one thing, it would be something else.

What I'm saying is, any of us could think of some wondrous 'anecdote' or dredge up some newspaper article about practically any perspective on any type of marriage. But again, why do only some people feel the need to do this? It just comes across as a bit desperate, as if you're trying to justify something to yourself - but you don't need to! Live and let live. You only know yourself and your dynamic with your families and there's no accounting for anyone else - so don't worry about it.

And as for the .., "I once knew a man in my office who was disrespectful about his wife and another one who said blah blah blah.,," Er, so what? Does it never happen that men are disrespectful about their wives who are working all hours and doing everything else besides? Clue - certain men are wankers. If they're not slagging off the wives for one thing, it would be something else

I agree with this. Why are we validating the opinion of two faced arseholes? As if the worst thing that can happen to a woman is that her husband is unhappy about a decision he was part of

Yes but we still have the house chores to do and the cooking after we get home from work. The classes and the homework. People who stay at home do this during the day. A lot of working parents will be sorting these things out on a evening. Also sahm send their kids to school so they also have 5 days free UNLIKE the working parents. Babies don't stay babies and that hetic stage doesn't last forever like some make out on here.

All the FT working mums I know hate the fact they have to do it, but they do it for that reason; because they have to! They always look frazzled and stressed and seem to be rushing around
That was me exactly. More envious than jealous but yeah, certainly frazzled!

But so happy that was the case because I'm now secure in anyway, didn't go through depression when my kids left home as a few of sahm felt, planning retirement with a good bit of pension and most importantly, secure in the knowledge that if I were to find my husband cheating, or I certainly grew to want to get away from him more than anything, I could do so without much compromises to my lifestyle.

That to me made it all worth it!

I remember that article. It got me wondering if there are women who go to university to find high earning partners, rather than to maximise their own earning potential. The woman in the article appears not to have attempted to establish a law career of her own.

Yep, I’m still not buying that the Guardian letter is really representative of a common dynamic in marriages where there’s a SAHP. On any given day on MN, I could head to the Relationships board and find a post from a woman who is exhausted from working full time, doing 99% of the childcare and 100% of the housework, and her husband still complains that she doesn’t iron his pants / buy his favourite cereal / isn’t constantly up for sex. But I wouldn’t claim that’s representative of the family dynamic of both parents working, because that it isn’t. It’s representative of being married to someone who doesn’t pull their weight and appreciate their spouse, and the same is true of the couple in the Guardian letter.

And strongly agree with the above point about men at work who badmouth their wives. That’s not a reasonable argument against SAHPs, it’s just misogynistic arseholes being shitty about their wives.

Completely agree with this. I do find the 'ooh my husband loves me being home because he never ever has to even consider the home or children' posts a bit galling, but 'you must work lest your husband finds you DULL' stuff is absolutely no better. Either way it would be better if the whole shebang wasn't centred around the whinging of a twat.

And this is a huge thing; deciding together before you have children that you want an earner and a housekeeper.

I find it works so well because my husband can focus, and I can focus. And we both have much more down time due to one side of things being completely cared for by the other.

It's when you just find yourself in that situation somehow or when one tries to force it on the other that problems arise.

Exactly this!!!

That article represents very few marriages IMO, I’ve always known women to return to work when their youngest started school. Let’s not be tricked into thinking that just because a man wrote it that it’s of importance on a population scale

So do those people think that paid work is the only thing that makes them interesting?

I think it’s more that people say they aren’t financially secure if something should happen.

Being smug can go both ways, whether you work full time, part time or not at all. People have opinions and it’s an open Internet forum. 🤷🏼‍♀️So everyone is entitled to their say.

I think they can't think of anything to do other than work?

How bizarre.

And yet spending her day around these people was seen as preferable to spending the day with her own children..

Eh?? I don’t get it. Is this an attempt at humour?

imagine if a working parent asked a SAHM “I think all they can think of to do is look after their children? bIZzaRe.” 😂

That article represents very few marriages IMO, I’ve always known women to return to work when their youngest started school. Let’s not be tricked into thinking that just because a man wrote it that it’s of importance on a population scale

I know two women who never went back to work after their first (of several) was born, other than short lived stints in hospitality/retail and that was when their children were mostly grown up.

So fucking what if it is. Why should women worship at the alter of their children? Why should that be all we give a shit about? I’d much rather be at work than with a toddler all day (although mine are in school now). I’m still an excellent mum.

I find this martyring about being devoted to your children really fucking weird and regressive and BTW your children won’t thank you for being an overbearing weirdo when you’re older. I work, I enjoy my work and it’s an important job that makes a difference to people’s lives. I also have weekends away, nights out with friends and days out away from the kids - and I tell them about it because I want them to see me as a human with her own life and interests, not just Mum. Children SHOULD see their parents like that.

if you have a different stance then more power to you, we are all just doing the best we can, but if you have to tear down the choices of strangers to validate YOUR lifestyle the perhaps you shouldn’t be so smug as happy people don’t do that.

@woodenwindchimes

"I think they can't think of anything to do other than work?"

I agree that there's sometimes nasty rhetoric directed at SAHMs but I also think this attitude is quite nasty and insensitive.

Some of us have no choice but to work because we are the sole breadwinner. I have no one else to rely on for money. I have made a decision that because I have to work, and work hard, I'm going to bloody well make sure I enjoy my work and that it pays reasonably well.

That doesn't mean I "can't think of anything else to do", it means I'm trying to make lemonade out of lemons. And actually I'm proud that I've manage to do this, as a single mother. I make good money and I enjoy my job. This doesn't mean I don't have any other ambitions or interests, it just means that I'm determined to turn a bad job into a good one.

It's upsetting when someone who clearly has the luxury of more free time tips up to judge you for this.

Please, those of you who trot out the "can't you think of anything more interesting to do," line, give a thought to those of us who don't have the choice.

I don't think your description of your work colleagues was the brag you think it was.

I find it really sad that people feel that they have to comment on men or women deciding to stay at home and look after their own children (without help from the state). I mean if they are happy - then what is the problem? I have worked and have stayed at home and am currently a SAHM. For myself and my partner it works - if I went to work then I would have to pay a housekeeper/nanny (which I have had) and I currently choose to do those tasks myself. My own preference would have been to work part-time but the organisation I worked for always gave me roles which were full-time and I was expected to work on my non-working days. i just got fed up with it and actually I quite like being home while my kids are young to be honest. What are these amazing jobs that people have anyway - I had a high status professional role and it was complete nonsense. Writing pointless reports which no one would ever read - my team had about 20 people doing the same - all on high salaries in the public sector. it used to make me really sad seeing all this tax payer's money being wasted. When I no longer need any help , i will be straight back to work. I volunteer currently in my sector to keep my skills up. Many of my good friends work full-time - none of us ever feels it necessary to comment on our life choices. We are all different - we all need to make our own decisions for ourselves and our families.

It’s honestly not worth getting upset over comments from people who are deeply unhappy about their own lives

I think you must be mistaking me for someone else. I haven’t once mentioned work colleagues on this thread. Do you maybe want to look up who you actually targeting your bizarre comments at?

Society doesn’t value parenting. Raising your children full time with no outsourcing is considered lazy.
Lots of working parents who ‘would die of boredom and frustration’ as a SAHM don’t seem to realise that for lots of SAHM it’s not solely done by choice- many feel it’s their duty once they have chosen to become a parent, to do all child rearing and not to outsource.
Unfortunately with bringing choice to women (and obviously this is a good thing) that also brings the double edged sword that over the years 2 wages are often required to afford a house and food, bills. So what was meant to give women the go choice to work has now ironically gone the other way and plenty of working mums would love to be gone more with their kids but just arnt able to.
i find it really sad tbh.

I don't know. If I had the money, I would never set foot in work again, so if I don't have to work, I won't.

I'm a SAHM and I like being able to watch little one play around on mat with toys and have my TV programme on at same time, or have them curl up for a nap with me whole I read a book. I enjoy it, and wouldn't enjoy having to work all day and then come home she carry on doing childcare and home jobs. I like doing it throughout the day alongside my leisure time. I like that I don't have to rush in the morning, that I can nap when the baby naps if I need to. I just like not having to go to an actual job.

I also think if I were to work, house would be a tip. No way am I getting home at 6pm to have dinner and sort the child out for bed, just to have my only two hours of peace spent doing housework. Sounds like hell to me. Everything you need to do condensed into such a small window.