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AIBU?

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Original poster

Why are people on here so pressed about the existence of SAHMs?

774 replies

DaffodilsandCoffee · 01/05/2022 18:21

It’s fair enough to point out the existence of certain downsides are risks, but there seems to be so much spite and resentment on here. Why are some posters do angry at the existence of women who prefer to do all the childcare themselves rather than outsource some of it? Also, are they equally as angry at SAHDs? (I know it’s not as common but I personally know 3)

OP posts:
SinaraSmith · 02/05/2022 21:12

Neither the label employed or unemployed reflects how hard someone is working. Not all caring is the same, not all jobs are the same (have done a part time job that required the same hours out of house as a FT one - including commute and over time, plus more stress).

that exactly what I said. Just because your aren’t employed doesn’t mean you don’t work hard.

PaperTyger · 02/05/2022 21:19

Unfortunately woman are at a disadvantage When they stop work to look after a child.
Esp a woman's whose not married.

Incredibly vulnerable.

However it's also a very tricky subject to navigate.
I remember at NCT a very " no nonsense" go go go getter was rareing to get back to work because she had too . Turns out her had too was because they had a new kitchen and they wanted the best taps, floors and appliances.

Then a new extension, sold house, kitchen's again.

People have different have too and people have different values.

People are not honest and some people have too for money or Just a break.
It can make people feel guilty.
I work now but was a sahm and I never felt comfortable saying how absolutely broke we were but in the long run it was worth it and now we have joined the world of new taps.
Its becoming rarer to stay at home.

Topgub · 02/05/2022 21:25

@PaperTyger

I often find the lie of sahm as ideal is what makes women say they have to work

Its accepted that (look at this thread and accusations of jealousy and why would you work) women dont really want to work. They might force themselves into it but really their rather be at home because that's the ideal.

While no one ever questions why men don't think that.

Well fuck that. I dont think its the ideal.

Id work even if I didnt have too. And I dont feel even a tiny bit guilty either.

mijas · 02/05/2022 21:27

TopGub - I think you need to stop thinking in such binary terms. It's not about men 'not wanting to be with their children.' What a strange thing to say. If you want to call my life 'living off a husband' then go for it if that's the only way you can comprehend relationships and families. But that concept has never occurred to my husband or to me. We simply don't think like that. If anything, he would see himself as 'living off me.'

I'm not in a sort of competition with my husband to be and do exactly the same as him in all areas. We are very different people, but we balance each other out, so it works.

Yes, when I was working it was all fine and there were some parts I kind of enjoyed. But I suppose I always knew that when I had kids I would want to do it myself and not involve nannies or childminders or nurseries - or even relatives. I just did not want that and I can't help how I feel. It wasn't like this big decision to SAH - more that I couldn't have imagined doing the alternative. That's just me. I have no regrets about being a SAHM and would do the same again. My husband totally understands and respects what I've dine over the years . He wouldn't have had it any other way. I guess if you know, deep down you want to be around for your kids, you are more likely to gravitate towards a man who is happy to provide / facilitate that. Or if you're a man who wants a wife who more inclined that way, then that's what he'll gravitate to. What difference does it make anyway in any family who makes the money and who does x,y,z? All families are on different income levels and work different hours between them and there are as many variations of family as there are humans in this world. I totally get the 'SAHM set up' is not for everyone and that's fine. But when it works, it works and it's great for everyone. If it didn't work, I wouldn't do it! Trust me on that.

Topgub · 02/05/2022 21:34

@mijas

It makes a big difference in reinforcing sexist ideals as you've just described.

As your social circle adheres to

If it didn't make any difference it wouldn't be a 98% / 2 % split.

I dont want my kids to think you cant work and have kids.

I especially don't want my son to think a womans place is at home.

Gives me the actual shudder that in 2022 women are describing looking for ken to provide and men wanting a little sw.

I want him to want an equal partner. To want to be with his kids

Why would that be reserved for women?

mijas · 02/05/2022 21:42

Di you would insist all women leave their kids with someone else and get a job - even if it makes them unhappy - just so you don't "shudder"

I'm not going to pretend to be something simple nor just to fit into your prescriptive and frankly, depressing, definition of 'feminism.' You only get one life you know. Women need to be honest with themselves about what they want - and also that we are all different. Shocker! We may even want different things from life. Who could have guessed it?

PaperTyger · 02/05/2022 21:43

Top gub

I try my not to do anything reactive to what other people say.
I think from a child's pov it's often the Ideal to be looked after for the main part by a parent?

Topgub · 02/05/2022 21:45

@mijas

You seem to be happy insisting on all men leaving their kids with someone else

🤷‍♀️

Topgub · 02/05/2022 21:47

@PaperTyger

Not sure what working has to do with that

PaperTyger · 02/05/2022 21:48

I agree your terms are too narrow.
I stayed at home with DC and now they are in primary they see me going to work and they know I work?
Their dad is as hand's on and involved as any can be and now he works from home it's him they see in the home.
I can't understand the logic of your argument?

Blackbird2020 · 02/05/2022 21:48

*I dont want my kids to think you cant work and have kids

I especially don't want my son to think a womans place is at home*

You know you can choose to live your life how you want, and instil that sense of choice in your children. And they can then go on to respectfully choose a different life to yours.

What if your son’s gay? And you’re in a heterosexual relationship. You don’t need to suddenly start dating the same sex to show him that hetero isn’t the only way. You just talk to him about it, right?

Topgub · 02/05/2022 21:53

@Blackbird2020

Yeah folk really buck the trend dont they.

Must be all those do as I say not as I do talkings to.

Why would you teach your kid to do something you dont think is the ideal?

Topgub · 02/05/2022 21:54

If my don was gay I wouldnt be teaching him how to be gay anyway.

I can model a healthy equal relationship without being gay.

That works for everyone

Namenic · 02/05/2022 21:54

@Topgub - I guess it depends on your/our kids’ skill sets. Sometimes people are good at the caring/home-making side that doesn’t pay much in society (- I mean being a nanny can pay a lot, but may not be compatible with having a young family yourself). If they fell in love with someone who was less good at caring but good at some other thing that is valued in society - then why not do an asymmetric split of work (providing they take the appropriate precautions of having insurance, assets in own name etc)? It is becoming more common for us to see sahds in the caring role - hopefully it will continue (and hopefully they will also take all the precautions advised to sahm’s)

me and DH are actually pretty ‘equal’ in that we both work and do housework etc. but within the house I do more childcare stuff and he does more admin stuff coz we are better at those things.

Topgub · 02/05/2022 21:57

@Namenic

You know that's because of all the sexist shite we teach boys and girls right?

Its not innate?

We dont have to teach girls to want to be mummy's and boys to want to be scientists

mijas · 02/05/2022 22:05

TopGub- What do you even mean?

My husband is a different personality type to me. Just as many women freely admit they're not cut out to be with kids all day, he knows he's not cut out for that either. Fair enough. However, it happens that I am cut out for it and I think I've done a good job. We had 4 kids, by the way, not one or two. Do you think we'd have done that if I wasn't prepared to SAH. No.

it's about playing to your strengths and motivations. I used to work in a role with children / mental health anyway. I am motivated by people - so why in earth would I find focusing on my own children boring or demeaning? To me, it's the least boring or demeaning thing there is. It's fascinating and, like anything else, it's what you make if it. Sorry you see it differently.

My husband equally 'parents' to me - despite working. His parenting is focused on enabling his kids to have the education they have; to give them opportunities they have; to pay for our home; and for their mother to be available for them. That's his role and I respect him for that as he respects me for taking on the 'headspace' of the kids more and all that comes with that. Anyway, my husband doesn't really work full time these days and has sold things off and is gradually stepping back from various roles and being more selective about what he takes on. Life goes in phases.

Namenic · 02/05/2022 22:06

@Topgub - I mean some people are better at caring just like some people are better at science. Some people are good at both. Some people are good at sport? those people could be boys or girls.

I was a tomboy as a kid, good at science, in a stem career (male dominated). Things don’t have to be symmetric for them to work.

Topgub · 02/05/2022 22:10

OK we can just pretend that its just a coincidence that its women and not men on the whole doing the childcare. Just different personality types that just randomly occur in 98% women and 2 % men.

And nothing at all to do with sexism.

And it just randomly works that way in most families.

Bopping298 · 02/05/2022 22:11

I don’t know why you’d roll your eyes at people complaining their husband doesn’t respect or value them though. That’s something people deserve from partners regardless of whether they do paid work.

Well said.

Namenic · 02/05/2022 22:13

personally I would say that for many people a symmetric split would be less risky in life (especially as many people end up being partnered with someone similar to themselves) plus having individual tax free allowance.

BUT that doesn’t mean I don’t understand that having an asymmetric split of duties can work and people can be happy.

Blackbird2020 · 02/05/2022 22:14

*Yeah folk really buck the trend dont they.

Must be all those do as I say not as I do talkings to*

My parents both chose to work throughout my childhood.

I was a SAHM. One of my brother’s was a SAHD, and my other brother’s wife is a SAHM 😉

Topgub · 02/05/2022 22:14

@Namenic

I understand people can have an unequal split and be happy

They're conditioned to think its right

Doesn't mean it is.

Topgub · 02/05/2022 22:16

Anacdata?

Great.

Come back to me when we have an equal number of sahds to sahms

mijas · 02/05/2022 22:17

@TopGub - look whether it's 'nature or nurture' that makes me want to be around for my kids, ultimately, it makes no actual difference because at the end of the day, I am who I am and I know how I feel and that's the end of it. I am 47 years old. I know who I am by now. Life is too short to be trying to talk yourself into something you think it are told you 'should' feel or be doing. Better to just be honest with yourself, own it and get on with it. If you can't be honest with yourself, what's the point?

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