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Original poster

Why are people on here so pressed about the existence of SAHMs?

774 replies

DaffodilsandCoffee · 01/05/2022 18:21

It’s fair enough to point out the existence of certain downsides are risks, but there seems to be so much spite and resentment on here. Why are some posters do angry at the existence of women who prefer to do all the childcare themselves rather than outsource some of it? Also, are they equally as angry at SAHDs? (I know it’s not as common but I personally know 3)

OP posts:
CurlyBurley · 02/05/2022 20:01

Not if you're at work, no. A child minder, nanny or nursery worker cares for your child.

Topgub · 02/05/2022 20:04

@CurlyBurley

Well as @Louise0701 pointed outed, kids don't stop existing outside of work hours.

Plus there is such a thing as shift work. And shared care.

My kids have never been in paid for child care

ZenNudist · 02/05/2022 20:06

Once your dc get to a certain age its a minority choice round here.

Sahm is hard when dc are young.

Topgub · 02/05/2022 20:06

@ThatsBullshirt

I thought you said he worked the 2 jobs so you could be a sahm?

My mistake

SinaraSmith · 02/05/2022 20:06

It is the truth though. I didn't get paid, but it's still a job that needs to be done. I am not unemployed. It's a sad day when you can't say you do something out of love rather than money.

But it’s also the truth that you are unemployed.

A sad day? You missed my point. You complain you don’t like the language used then use emotive language.

You didn’t do it out of love. You would have loved your child exactly the same either way. You child would have loved you the same. You did it because you wanted to and it suited. That’s great. But it’s a choice. You live your child no differently to anyone else.

Blackbird2020 · 02/05/2022 20:07

@redskyatnight

Some people (me) slightly raise an eyebrow that she (she's one of the degree educated, motivated women mentioned above) has no desire to do something more worthwhile with her time

She might be the happiest person you know. That’s pretty worthwhile.

ThatsBullshirt · 02/05/2022 20:08

Topgub · 02/05/2022 20:06

@ThatsBullshirt

I thought you said he worked the 2 jobs so you could be a sahm?

My mistake

No worries. He took on the freelance work because it's what he would rather do day to day but it's a really hard field to break into so he's grinding just now while he works his day job. I could be, and was, a SAHM when he only worked one.

CurlyBurley · 02/05/2022 20:08

I don't want to argue with you or anyone on this thread. I think I just see things differently, and I can't help that. I'm sure we're all doing what we can with our personal circumstances. I'm probably a bit over sensitive about being called unemployed, as I do struggle to look after my mum, and it's very stressful. I hope I haven't offended anyone, if I have I didn't mean to.

Topgub · 02/05/2022 20:10

@CurlyBurley

No one called you unemployed

CurlyBurley · 02/05/2022 20:11

SinaraSmith · 02/05/2022 20:06

It is the truth though. I didn't get paid, but it's still a job that needs to be done. I am not unemployed. It's a sad day when you can't say you do something out of love rather than money.

But it’s also the truth that you are unemployed.

A sad day? You missed my point. You complain you don’t like the language used then use emotive language.

You didn’t do it out of love. You would have loved your child exactly the same either way. You child would have loved you the same. You did it because you wanted to and it suited. That’s great. But it’s a choice. You live your child no differently to anyone else.

Oh dear, I wasn't suggesting I love my child more than anyone else. I should have just said I loved doing it - apologies if it came across as offensive. It's been a long day..

SinaraSmith · 02/05/2022 20:11

CurlyBurley · 02/05/2022 20:01

Not if you're at work, no. A child minder, nanny or nursery worker cares for your child.

When my kids were small me and exh worked around the kids. Me days, him evenings. We didn’t use childcare.

then when we split and he disappeared I used wrap around at school. For one year. Da is 11 and dd is 18. I don’t use any paid childcare.

I, mainly, wfh but if I am in the office I take lunch at 3pm. Pick ds up, drop him home and go back. Then home about 5ish. Dp is home at 4pm

Caring for kids includes feeding, washing, housework food shopping etc. Working parents do all that too. But I don’t have to jobs.

Topgub · 02/05/2022 20:12

@ThatsBullshirt

Yeah my point stands..
I wouldnt be ok with my oh working 2 jobs while I was a sahm.

SinaraSmith · 02/05/2022 20:13

CurlyBurley · 02/05/2022 20:08

I don't want to argue with you or anyone on this thread. I think I just see things differently, and I can't help that. I'm sure we're all doing what we can with our personal circumstances. I'm probably a bit over sensitive about being called unemployed, as I do struggle to look after my mum, and it's very stressful. I hope I haven't offended anyone, if I have I didn't mean to.

It’s incredibly stressful. unemployed doesn’t really have anything to do with how hard caring is.

I am not suggesting that caring for a relative or children is not hard work. It really is. But it’s not employed. That doesn’t make it easier to do.

ThatsBullshirt · 02/05/2022 20:15

Topgub · 02/05/2022 20:12

@ThatsBullshirt

Yeah my point stands..
I wouldnt be ok with my oh working 2 jobs while I was a sahm.

Great. Good for you. Don't do that.

My DH and I are happy with our arrangement right now. All that would happen if I was to seek work outwith the home right now is we would have to pay for childcare. He would still work his two jobs.

Topgub · 02/05/2022 20:17

@ThatsBullshirt

Yeah its not the you working thats the issue.

I expect dh to be an equal parent. I wouldnt have had kids if he hadn't been willing to look after them as much as I was.

ThatsBullshirt · 02/05/2022 20:19

Topgub · 02/05/2022 20:17

@ThatsBullshirt

Yeah its not the you working thats the issue.

I expect dh to be an equal parent. I wouldnt have had kids if he hadn't been willing to look after them as much as I was.

Again, you do not know our situation. He is an equal parent, he's a fantastic dad who is involved with parenting and his children. His second job is worked in the evenings once the children are in bed. Can't really do much parenting when they are asleep.

Topgub · 02/05/2022 20:22

Its funny that some sahm argue that its impossible for wm to do an equal amount of parenting as them

But others will argue that their ohs are, in fact, equal parents to them.

OfstedOffred · 02/05/2022 20:25

I always find it odd when people argue that most working mothers are "jealous" but don't really have a choice but to work (financially), and really would stop if they could afford it.

Where I live this just doesnt ring true. The women who work are generally high earners, and married to other high earners. Lots are in senior roles where they have negotiated "best of both worlds" type flexibility - part time, wfh, several days a week being "school hours" etc. DH and I being an example.We can easily afford a SAHP but choose to both work. We both earn over 6 figures, I work 90% from home and can drop & collect the children from school 3 days a week. My WOH means we've got university fees banked already, and have been able to pay for some private medical care for DD that has hugely sped up her getting treatment.

The SAHP in our area tend to be low earners, who have ended up as SAHP after a second child because they essentially could not afford childcare. For quite a few, while they might be happy as SAHM, it really hasn't been a choice. They are largely skint, lots are in the benefit trap where earning more won't bring the household a huge amount more, it will only reduce reliance on benefits.

Most people end up where they end up because one way another, they judge it to be the best decision for their family.

Namenic · 02/05/2022 20:35

@SinaraSmith it’s all terminology though. Neither the label employed or unemployed reflects how hard someone is working. Not all caring is the same, not all jobs are the same (have done a part time job that required the same hours out of house as a FT one - including commute and over time, plus more stress).

@WarmWinterSun - I don’t know the situation, but could it be that the mediocre men promoted quickly are not necessarily more wealthy, but have just picked a different strategy? The tax system does favour 2 working people compared to a high wage earner + sahp (in terms of tax free allowance, some hours of free childcare). To be better off than you in terms of take home pay, the wohp has to earn quite a bit more?

Louise0701 · 02/05/2022 20:39

Topgub · 02/05/2022 20:22

Its funny that some sahm argue that its impossible for wm to do an equal amount of parenting as them

But others will argue that their ohs are, in fact, equal parents to them.

This! Such a double standard!

ThatsBullshirt · 02/05/2022 20:49

Topgub · 02/05/2022 20:22

Its funny that some sahm argue that its impossible for wm to do an equal amount of parenting as them

But others will argue that their ohs are, in fact, equal parents to them.

I think the key word here is "some". It is a double standard to make working women seem lesser (can't think of the right word) for being out working and "outsourcing" childcare while claiming that their OH's are equal in parenting.

At the same time, if we are breaking down the time spent with kids, even both working parents can't necessarily claim equal parenting though. It will fluctuate for everyone but, for me, it's as close to equal as it possibly could be.

Topgub · 02/05/2022 21:02

@ThatsBullshirt

Sorry I dont know what you mean by last bit?

if we are breaking down the time spent with kids, even both working parents can't necessarily claim equal parenting though. It will fluctuate for everyone but, for me, it's as close to equal as it possibly could be.

mijas · 02/05/2022 21:05

"Out of 100s none of them could manage to earn a significant amount?!"

Yes they could. My point was, that they don't NEED to and they don't WANT to. They have other priorities in the context of their specific family.

mijas · 02/05/2022 21:06

Sorry that was replying to @Topgub

Topgub · 02/05/2022 21:09

@mijas

Doesn't that strike you as thoroughly depressing?

That these 100 degree educated motivated women are happy to live off their ohs?

Or that none of these well educated men don't want to be with their children? Or to support their wives in a career?