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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Comment after oral sex (this may be TMI for some ppl)

655 replies

Limebazil · 30/04/2022 16:06

I am seeing a guy the last few weeks we are both early 30s. He seems like a nice guy, and things were going great. Last night we slept together for the first time, it was great he was very generous in bed but after he had gone down on me he said "I think you should drink more water you taste kind of strong". This was really hurtful to me, I'm sure he didn't mean it to be hurtful and maybe I'm overly sensitive but why would you say that when it is widely known that women/ girls are paranoid about how they look/ smell/ taste down there. He's not a gynaecologist so the health advice was not appreciated. He could see he had upset me and tried to back track saying "he didn't mean it like that" and "I'm crazy about you the last thing I want to do is offend you I was just trying to help" but now I'm just seeing it as a red flag. AIBU?

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 30/04/2022 20:04

He said she had a strong smell though, not that she had a grim fanny. Is it really the crime of the century?

Pairing "you've got a strong taste" with "I think you should drink more water" clearly implies he thinks it is too strong. Opinions differ on whether it's appropriate to say something like this to someone in the very early days of dating after you first sleep with them, personally I don't think it is, but it is plainly a criticism.

RitaFaircloughsWig · 30/04/2022 20:05

RicaDaVidaLoca · 30/04/2022 20:00

I personally don’t think what he said is that offensive. Would I like it? No. And I’d no doubt overthink it massively. He said she had a strong smell though, not that she had a grim fanny. Is it really the crime of the century? Ffs men say stupid shit all the time. Half of the AIBUs are about said stupidity.

I. wouldn’t rush to this conclusion that he’s clearly an habitual ‘gaslighty’ abuser either. It’s an extreme reaction and, IMO, if he were to read this thread I’m sure he’d consider himself to have had a lucky escape.

Also can’t help but laugh at OP trotting out ‘he gave me unsolicited medical advice’ in response to anything that she construes as a criticism, but by her own admission she needs to drink more water 😂

That all said, however, while I may disagree with your rationale in this particular instance OP, it’s great that you have boundaries. If you’re going to go to the effort of attending an STI clinic together before the first bang though, maybe have an actual discussion about what it’s important to you to feel emotionally secure after the deed’s done too? Just a suggestion.

He did not say she had a strong smell. Read the thread? Just a suggestion.

LadyLothbrook · 30/04/2022 20:05

Yes would put me off. Weird thing to say during the first shag. And I'm not shy with things like that, my husband told me I had 'bum smell' when we did it doggystyle the other day and we just laughed...but first time?...no it wouldn't sit right with me.

JollyWilloughby · 30/04/2022 20:05

@caringcarer

oh how ridiculous. Drinking more water just means you will piss more. It’s not going to change the natural smell of your vagina.

Also it’s not honesty it is shame inducing on a FIRST SEXUAL encounter.

They are not a married couple having an honest discussion about sexual issues. If he was truly THAT repulsed he would have ghosted the OP but he hasn’t has he?

He is pleading with her ….. yeah because he’s full of shit and she’s the one who SMELT it not him.

JollyWilloughby · 30/04/2022 20:05

Smelt the bullshit might I add.

WTF475878237NC · 30/04/2022 20:06

I see those later comments as back tracking when you've dug yourself a hole. Like I said I appreciate you have seen red flags. I'm just saying the original comment, though badly timed, seems honest to me. To him, you taste very strong. That was how he genuinely felt.

ldontWanna · 30/04/2022 20:06

Why is everyone still talking about smell, when it's clearly about TASTE?

Some kind of subconscious "vaginas are smelly" slip?

Goldijobsandthe3bears · 30/04/2022 20:07

I just can’t even with this site 🤣 if he felt comfortable enough to tell her she tasted ‘strong’ I don’t see how he wouldn’t have the balls t tell her if she stank like old piss 😆 how these two things have become confabulated is hilarious, one poster even comparing her to a man with a crust on his knob, I mean wtf!

Giraffesandbottom · 30/04/2022 20:07

unsolicited medical advice being used to describe someone recommended more water is absolutely hilarious and has made me laugh every time, harder each time due to the frequency of the usage.

it’s not really “medical advice” just because it’s to do with your health. Unsolicited, fine. Medical advice?! 😆

VladmirsPoutine · 30/04/2022 20:09

This thread illustrates really quite brilliantly why the dating scene is in the gutter.

RicaDaVidaLoca · 30/04/2022 20:10

Haha touché! I did mean ‘strong taste’. It’s all
these other smell comments permeating my subconscious.

I stand by everything else I said though.

VladmirsPoutine · 30/04/2022 20:10

'Let's have sex but please just grin and bear it otherwise you are a gaslighting walking red flag of a wanker'. Grin

Goldijobsandthe3bears · 30/04/2022 20:11

Grin and bear what though 🤦🏼‍♀️

JollyWilloughby · 30/04/2022 20:13

@WTF475878237NC

if he was that repulsed by her taste he wouldn’t want to see her again, oh except he does.

Man is a clown. 🤡

Honeymint · 30/04/2022 20:17

@Limebazil My DH made a comment similar to this the first time we were together. I hadn’t really planned for anything to happen so soon and he asked me if I’d consider shaving more down there 🤦‍♀️
(I actually had a wax booked in but I suppose he wasn’t to know that at the time)

I couldn’t help taking offence to it, I wasn’t sure whether to count it as a red flag at the time.
As it turns out, he was just trying to have an open dialogue in the bedroom and is a perfectly lovely guy.

I think if you feel this guy is alright otherwise, then I’d talk it over with him and give him the benefit of the doubt. Being able to be open and honest with each other about these sorts of things is important afterall!
But if you’re getting bad vibes off him then go with your gut, nobody likes to be made to feel ashamed.

myeyesneverstoprolling · 30/04/2022 20:17

Limebazil · 30/04/2022 18:10

He just sent me this..... this is gaslighty right?

"Please don't throw away what we have over a stupid comment which I honestly don't even remember saying. If I said it I'm sorry I never meant to hurt you, you came so hard last night we have amazing chemistry I think you are just scared of getting close to someone so you're picking fault where there is none. I'm a good guy. Just let me come over and make you come like that again, I'll make it up to you and you'll forget all about the comment that I supposedly said"

Now he's denying that he said it? Like wtaf.
BLOCKED.

This is 💯 % gaslighting. Now he's trying to make you doubt yourself.
Good that you blocked him. Stand firm.

Goldijobsandthe3bears · 30/04/2022 20:17

JollyWilloughby · 30/04/2022 20:13

@WTF475878237NC

if he was that repulsed by her taste he wouldn’t want to see her again, oh except he does.

Man is a clown. 🤡

Precisely

RealBecca · 30/04/2022 20:18

I cannot believe anyone thinks what he said was ok!

You dont say that after sex to someone.

Especially someone you've been seeing less than a month.

You especially dont bring it up in the bedroom.

You certainly dont advise they should drink more bloody water!

Why would he think it was to do with water drinking? Where would he have heard that? From cosmo??

He deserves dumping for lacking any tact at the very least.

SaltBaesPonytail · 30/04/2022 20:18

@Limebazil I think we often know deep down if a comment is weird/not from a kind place but sometimes we doubt ourselves and try to get other perspectives - perfectly healthy.

There’s so much nuance to tone and timing that you, having been there and knowing yourself and your vagina, are the best judge of whether his comment was out of place. We can only ask questions to help you sort through your thoughts, rather than make judgements.

I think you did the right thing in telling him that you’re not seeing him again. You don’t owe him any more than that. Your gut instinct was flagging something here. Hopefully this is a learning experience for him!

RealBecca · 30/04/2022 20:22

Never mind the appalling follow up text.

Pebbledashery · 30/04/2022 20:22

I don't know.. I think I would value the honesty but not in quite such a cutting way. He perhaps said it wrong. Would you rather not know instead of him just stopping it altogether?

LetHimHaveIt · 30/04/2022 20:28

ldontWanna · 30/04/2022 20:06

Why is everyone still talking about smell, when it's clearly about TASTE?

Some kind of subconscious "vaginas are smelly" slip?

Because biological/organic things with a strong taste nearly always also have a strong smell?

myeyesneverstoprolling · 30/04/2022 20:29

Fit50 · 30/04/2022 18:35

Why do people feel the need to berate me? Sex to me is about both parties having multiple orgasms. I’m not romantic. I don’t like kissing. I don’t particularly like giving or receiving oral sex as I feel the orgasm I have during these are not as intense as the ones I have with penetrative sex. If I am to partake in oral sex I would never do it after penetrative sex anyway and I would always make sure that mine any my husbands acidity levels are as optimum as possible (hence the pineapple and fruit diet) and shower before hand too or do it in the shower. Why do some of you feel the need to make fun of me for this?

Because they're keyboard warriors hiding behind a screen.

I'm an each to their own kind of girl. Just because people don't agree doesn't give them the right to berate and try to tear you down.

You just keep doing what you're doing and don't let people, especially random strangers online try to make you feel bad for it.

myeyesneverstoprolling · 30/04/2022 20:29

Fit50 · 30/04/2022 18:35

Why do people feel the need to berate me? Sex to me is about both parties having multiple orgasms. I’m not romantic. I don’t like kissing. I don’t particularly like giving or receiving oral sex as I feel the orgasm I have during these are not as intense as the ones I have with penetrative sex. If I am to partake in oral sex I would never do it after penetrative sex anyway and I would always make sure that mine any my husbands acidity levels are as optimum as possible (hence the pineapple and fruit diet) and shower before hand too or do it in the shower. Why do some of you feel the need to make fun of me for this?

Because they're keyboard warriors hiding behind a screen.

I'm an each to their own kind of girl. Just because people don't agree doesn't give them the right to berate and try to tear you down.

You just keep doing what you're doing and don't let people, especially random strangers online try to make you feel bad for it.

lemmein · 30/04/2022 20:30

Pebbledashery · 30/04/2022 20:22

I don't know.. I think I would value the honesty but not in quite such a cutting way. He perhaps said it wrong. Would you rather not know instead of him just stopping it altogether?

But what he said was pretty useless info for the OP wasn't it?

'Your vag tastes a bit strong 2 hours after I've cum in it!'

'well yeah, no shit Sherlock!'

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