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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel sick with the shame

140 replies

Pumpupthejammin · 29/04/2022 22:37

I hit/smacked my almost 4 year old Dd today, never have before.
Her behaviour has been so so difficult for the last couple of months. Today she was shouting at me, her grandma, hitting and kicking me, she wouldn’t stop.
She cried afterwards and I held her.
Sitting here crying as I feel so horrendous, wish I could take it back

OP posts:
Original poster
Pumpupthejammin · 29/04/2022 22:38

Didn’t mean to enable voting.

Don’t know what I want from this thread. Had to write it down/tell someone. Too ashamed to tell her dad

OP posts:
GreenLunchBox · 29/04/2022 22:41

I wouldn't beat myself up about it

You've never hit her before but she figured out how to do it.

Maybe now she will realise hitting is not very nice

<Steps back to be flamed>

ChangeN · 29/04/2022 22:42

It was a one off and you won't do it again, talk with her tomorrow and don't be too hard on yourself.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/04/2022 22:45

Hopefully you won’t do it again. You know violence towards her isn’t going to improve her behaviour. She’s acting out because she’s struggling with something.

Focus on what support you can access for both of you to try and improve things.

NrlySp · 29/04/2022 22:46

It’s fine. We are all human. There are a lot lot worse things other parents have done. Forgive yourself, move on. Do no repeatedly apologize to your 4 year old

longtimelurkerfirsttimeposter · 29/04/2022 22:46

I think modelling how to put things right is the best way forward, you apologize sincerely and explain that wasn't the correct way to handle the situation, and explain what you would like to have done instead.

Original poster
Pumpupthejammin · 29/04/2022 22:56

I can’t stop thinking about it, can’t believe I did it, feel so shit 😪

OP posts:
Beer2bed · 29/04/2022 23:03

We all get pushed to our limits. You know that it wasnt the best reaction and it was a one off. Dont be too hard on yourself.
Speak to her tomorrow, try not to get upset and just explain to her that it was 100% not the right way for you to deal with the situation. Also explain that her dealing with her feelings by hitting out also isnt acceptable. Make a pact that from now on you will BOTH try and put into words and explain why/if you are upset.

ChazzaGirl · 29/04/2022 23:05

Go easy on yourself OP. I can understand why you feel awful but I’m sure you didn’t batter her! Whilst I don’t agree with smacking, I’m sure many of us were on the receiving end of the odd clout when we were kids but still turned out okay!

Original poster
Pumpupthejammin · 29/04/2022 23:06

I keep thinking what if it’s affected her or she’ll remember it

OP posts:
Original poster
Pumpupthejammin · 29/04/2022 23:07

@ChazzaGirl I don’t agree with smacking either.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 29/04/2022 23:08

She'll be fine. Its grand.

ValBiro · 29/04/2022 23:12

I did it once to my DD when she was messing around on a dangerous road crossing and once was enough for me to to never do it again, the shame and horror of what I'd done made sure of that. You'll get over it, she'll forget and you probably won't ever want to feel like this again so won't do it again!

You won't have been the first parent, OP. My youngest DD is 4 and she is hard work at the moment too, I feel for you!

ChazzaGirl · 29/04/2022 23:14

Pumpupthejammin · 29/04/2022 23:07

@ChazzaGirl I don’t agree with smacking either.

Sorry OP, I wasn’t trying to suggest you do, I just meant that these things happen sometimes, even though we don’t mean them to.

Original poster
Pumpupthejammin · 29/04/2022 23:18

@ChazzaGirl That’s ok, sorry

OP posts:
Whybot · 29/04/2022 23:19

I told my kids , when teenagers, that I lost my temper and smacked them a few times, but that it didn’t work to reduce the poor behaviour and we talked about why not. I also told them sorry at the time and when talked about it . One day they’ll be parents and like many parents may struggle with tiredness and anger. Is there anyone in real life you can confess this too? Your remorse suggests to me you’re a good mum. .

RoseLunarPink · 29/04/2022 23:23

Op you know it wasn’t good and you feel terrible - that shows you are not an awful parent. You were stressed and being hit and kicked, having your buttons pushed and you reacted, it happens. Now you know what can lead to that and work on ways to head it off, stay calm etc. - and though I’m opposed to smacking I also don’t think it’s the end of the world for your child to realise you are human and have your limits.

if it helps at all, both my DC were at their absolute worst for tantrums and hitting etc at nearly 4, and got better after that. And while I haven’t hit, I have pushed them away roughly, or pulled them too hard by the arm, in situations like this and felt really ashamed too.

I agree with saying sorry and explaining you were cross and should have handled it differently, but briefly and don’t keep talking about it or make it into a big thing. And work together on ways to calm down, read books about angry feelings etc - it helped my DD when she learned to describe it as a volcano exploding, so she could sense when she felt it building up and talk about it.

hope you’re feeling a bit better.

Mariposista · 29/04/2022 23:24

Ok, it wasn’t the best way to handle things but you were pushed to the limit by her bad, bratty behaviour. Give yourself a break. Next time you will know the triggers. Tomorrow is another day. Guaranteed you have not messed things up for good - but don’t now overcompensate and spoil her -she needs to learn that kicking and hurting are not ok.

PJsAndRainyDays · 29/04/2022 23:31

I think you would find, that if people were truly honest, a lot of us have done exactly the same in a moment of desperation.

You are a good parent, a bad parent wouldn't even care or feel bad. You know now how it's made you and her feel and hopefully it will never happen again Flowers

NewYorkCityDreamer · 29/04/2022 23:38

i was smacked as a child by both of my parents. My mam did it maybe 15-20 times when I was being ‘naughty’ (since diagnosed with autism and ADHD) when at the end of her tether.

My dad did it in a calculated way when my mam wasn’t home. I hate my dad and avoid him as much as possible, especially now I’m 23 and realise how much I was struggling with big feelings.

I forgive my mam and realise how hard it was for her. I know she was trying.

don’t beat yourself up too much but don’t do it again

babbi · 29/04/2022 23:38

You need to give yourself a break and be kind to yourself.
Youre finding things a bit challenging at the moment which is so typical when you have children that age .
Stop beating yourself up.. your DD will be fine . Take care

ladydimitrescu · 29/04/2022 23:42

NrlySp · 29/04/2022 22:46

It’s fine. We are all human. There are a lot lot worse things other parents have done. Forgive yourself, move on. Do no repeatedly apologize to your 4 year old

Sorry but it's not fine - it's not the end of the world and you obviously are distraught, but this comment is ridiculous. It's not fine, and of course you should apologise for hitting a small child.

Happymum12345 · 29/04/2022 23:45

I really doubt she’ll remember. You’ve said sorry & you’re genuinely remorseful. Everyone makes mistakes but not everyone is sorry. All will be well. I personally wouldn’t talk about it again unless she brings it up. E gentle with yourself.

LowlandLucky · 29/04/2022 23:47

Very few parents are "perfect" and very few have "perfect" children, you live a real life and you have reacted out stress and exasperation. I was smacked twice as a child, i remember it but it hasn't traumatised me, i don't hate my parents for it, in fact i really don't think anything of it.

trainnane · 29/04/2022 23:49

Truth is that we all break at times and do things we regret. Whilst I don't agree with hitting kids as they learn that behaviour, I've done the same when pushed the the limits

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