Feel sick with the shame

[Pumpupthejammin]

I hit/smacked my almost 4 year old Dd today, never have before.
Her behaviour has been so so difficult for the last couple of months. Today she was shouting at me, her grandma, hitting and kicking me, she wouldn’t stop.
She cried afterwards and I held her.
Sitting here crying as I feel so horrendous, wish I could take it back

My parents smacked me all the time as a child. It was 100% a rubbish way to punish us. I remember saying ‘ner ner that didn’t even hurt’ and being a little s* after they did it. But she wont be traumatised, I have a very good relationship with my parents

It's done it's over. You know how bad it is and tomorrow is a new day.
It's a lesson to you both.

She was hitting and kicking you, And you hit your limit. As long as it’s a one off it’s no big deal. She will be okay. Just walk away next time.

I think 4 years is a very difficult age -

They really know their own mind and want their own way.
But are too young to reason with and see anyone else's point of view.

They a beginning to have fewer naps, so you have even less time and space,
but they still need complete care and attention as they have no common sense.

It is exhausting mentally and physically

Don't be too hard on yourself OP.

But do read some useful books on coping strategies. Just walk off if you really think you may do it again. Shut the bedroom door. Count to ten. Breathe. Give yourself a few seconds to get calmer. It will also signal to your DD that such behaviour means they LOSE your attention and get no reaction. So it can help to defuse it both ways round.

I found The Wonder Years a helpful read. It suggests children go through particularly challenging behaviour just as they are moving on to a new stage of development. And then they will develop the next set of skills. It's a very interesting idea and I found it helped to think "it must be a wonder week!" When DS was being especially difficult...

I rekon that more parents do it than admit. At least you feel sad about it.

The Wonder Weeks

The Wonder Weeks - A Stress-Free Guide to Your Baby`s Behaviour: A Stress-Free Guide to Your Baby's Behavior https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/168268427X/ref=cmswwrcppapiii_BY4T019M7A03173KNSM0

PS - sorry OP i was sure that book went up to 4 years but I now realise it's more aimed at the baby years.

If this is the worst mistake you make between now and when she turns 18, you'll have done a stellar job. Smacking a child, while NOT what you want to be your go-to response, is not the end of the world if it only happens once.

“do not repeatedly apologise to your 4 year old”. I agree with that. There’s no need to distress a small child further by making a big deal of it.

Quite right.

We have all done things we regret.
Don't worry about it too much.
The perfect parent doesn't yet exist.

Tomorrow's another day OP

I’m sure this experience will help make sure that you never do it again. I don’t expect there will be any long term harm from a single smack. So no need to panic.

On the other hand I am surprised how relaxed some posters are being with the “everyone makes mistakes” attitude.
Since March smacking is physical assault in Wales. And I have to say I agree. If it’s not okay for an adult to be smacked, then it’s not okay for a child.
I’m not sure that many would take the “we all make mistakes” attitude if it was a husband who smacked his wife.

My mum smacked me, more than once and I must say every time I was truly misbehaving — and yes I remembered it and never repeated the very, very naughty behavior.

It didn’t scar me at all, but it did teach me that certain behaviour is unacceptable and that when Mum said “Stop it, that’s enough,” she meant it.

Move on. This won't break her. Giving her a complex about it, or making this into something bigger, due to your guilt might make things ten times worse.

You mean if the husband was smacking his wife who was smacking him? Since that's actually the equivalent situation here.

That was @Rikitikitardis

You need to give yourself a break, we’re all human and make mistakes. It’s sometimes really hard being a parent. Have a think about ways you could prevent it happening again if she pushes you that far next time. I’m sure you will get some practical advice on here, I used to sometimes make sure they were safe, walk away and take many deep breaths! This doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad parent, start afresh tommorow.

Um, well it’s not okay for wives to be smacking husbands either is it? Doesn’t matter which one smacks first!

And anyway, adult v adult is in no way comparable to adult v 4 year old child. If up in court for assaulting a toddler, arguing self defence and “they hit me first” would get you laughed out of the dock!

Giving reasons for why you were unable to control your temper is simply asking us to tell you it is okay.
it wasn’t
It is your job to negotiate all of the tiny terrorist times calmly or to leave the child safely until you are able to return and do so.
This is your problem not hers. It is good that you feel shame but not necessarily helpful. Better that you understand your triggers and when you feel emotionally aroused into a state when you might give yourself permission to hit a 4 yr old.
If in honesty you aren’t coping with your temper or response - get help. I wish more parents would do so.
I hope tomorrow is better and I know this must have been hard to read but it is meant to support safer parenting and a happier time for you both

She'll be absolutely fine OP. My dad hit me once as a child, I remember it only because he was so devastated afterwards (I was fine but did milk it a bit). I definitely wasn't affected by it, I doubt she'll even remember. We all have our limits, the fact that you're in bits about it shows you're a good mum.

“She cried afterwards and I held her.”

You’ve already demonstrated to her that in spite of what happened, you love her.

Did it have the desired effect, of stopping what she was doing and considering whether her own behaviour towards you was acceptable?

Probably.

The idea that any parent who ever loses their temper and lashes out is a bad parent is ludicrous. Obviously it’s not ideal, but none of us is perfect. You smacked her once, which stopped the unbearable behaviour in the moment, and while you presumably lost control a little, you only did enough to stop her, you didn’t beat her to a pulp or do any permanent damage.

I’ve seen dogs nip their puppies when the puppies behaviour became too riotous. I’m pretty sure mothers all through nature use limited very small, limited amounts of pain and shock to stop bad behaviour in its tracks. The current obsession with punishing ourselves for such behaviour is unrealistic.

She won’t hate you. She likely won’t remember, though next time she’s being truly horrible, perhaps she’ll think twice because that behaviour resulted in something unpleasant happening last time,

Children whose parents enjoyed hitting them, or did it too often or too hard, and in particular, without reason, or did it to the point where there was permanent mental or physical damage are those who will grow up resenting their parents. The reason all physical punishment is currently frowned upon is because drawing that line in the sand is very difficult, but in my opinion, you are a long way from crossing it and you sound like a good mum.

People born in the 1960s more likely than not got the odd smack growing up. We got strapped at school if we were naughty and so on. I'm not saying it was a good thing but I don't think generations were scarred by it. So I'd cut yourself some slack and work out some other ways to react in that situation in future.

We’ve all been there. I couldn’t risk smacking mine as there could have been considerable ramifications, and recall locking myself in the toilet for a while on several occasions when the little blighters realised they had got me to the edge of the cliff. Seriously, young kids can sniff out weakness and are like animals who know they have cornered wounded prey. It’s not always ‘big feelings’, it’s often sheer cunning and they are experts.

You over-reacted, you regret it. Please forgive yourself and draw a line. Honestly, we've most of us been in your shoes.