Feel sick with the shame

[Pumpupthejammin]

I hit/smacked my almost 4 year old Dd today, never have before.
Her behaviour has been so so difficult for the last couple of months. Today she was shouting at me, her grandma, hitting and kicking me, she wouldn’t stop.
She cried afterwards and I held her.
Sitting here crying as I feel so horrendous, wish I could take it back

It's my opinion! Hitting children is bad.

I think you are massively over reacting and people's connects are not helping. Your child was behaving really badly and your job is to teach them right from wrong and that behaviour is not acceptable.
FWIW I don't think snacking is the best way but I think sometimes in in situations where they are repeating a behaviour that puts then in danger or doing something that is hurting others, then a short sharp shock can stop it immediately and yes.... you can then give them a cuddle and say you love them but explain why what they were doing was wrong/ dangerous/ harmful and that they must not do it again.
I don't know why people use the argument that it is the same as domestic violence.
Nobody says that when you send a child to their room, remove their treats, take away screen time or send them to their room. Would you do that to an adult and get away with it or would u be considered to be a controlling bully.
My grown up children are absolutely clear that we abhor violence. They have never even heard their dad raise his voice more than a handful of times in 20 years other than to say their meal is ready!
I asked them the other day off being snacks had made them think violence was okay. One could not remember ever being smacked, all 3 were clear that violence was not answer to anything.
I gather from your OP that the quick snack immediately stopped the bad behaviour, you immediately showed them how upset you were that you had had to do that and showed them you loved them and hopefully explained why it had happened with them being so naughty.
This is such a different scenario to a malicious beating, an alcoholic parent lashing out at whoever gets in the way for no reason, a controlling parent who takes pleasure in making the child wait hours for a proper smacking.
Can people really not see the difference in those scenarios?

short sharp shock can stop it immediately and yes

If kid-hitters had a pull string on their back ‘short sharp shock’ would be their top phrase. Along with ‘never did me any harm’ and ‘kids need to know.’

And I don’t see the relevance of it not being as bad as ‘an alcoholic parent lashing out.’ Well an alcoholic parent lashing out isn’t as bad as a sober parent punching a child. And a sober parent punching a child isn’t as bad as a sober parent kicking a child down the stairs. And that’s not as bad as locking a child in the cupboard for 6 months. And that’s not as bad as blah blah blah. It’s not a sliding scale of rubbish parenting where you justify your bad parenting moments by saying it’s not as bad as someone else’s awful and abusive parenting.

A child lashing out in a temper is not the same and it's still not ok

Ahh I still remember the one time I lost my temper with my eldest and smacked her, 11 years ago. It never happened again. Don't best yourself up. You're obviously a good mum or you wouldn't care that you'd done it. Constant difficult behaviour at that age is extremely stressful. Take care of yourself.

Another poster horrified at the apologism here.

hitting children for chastisement is morally dubious. Losing your rag and assaulting a child out of anger is domestic violence, plain and simple. It is abusive behaviour.

adults should never be violent towards children. Never.

The most bizarre part is the people who suggest that hitting a child will teach them that hitting isn't ok

I was smacked (rarely) as a kid and I hold no anger towards my parents. It did not damage my life. This website tends to get responses from puritans in the scope of particular things, smacking being one of them. So just resolve to try it differently next time and don't feel shame

I don’t think it’s fine and while I can certainly empathise with being pushed to the limit (my son is autistic and can have catastrophic meltdowns) I really feel strongly against it. What’s done is done though op, I hope you can stop yourself in the future. Accept that it was a lapse and move on.

For fuck’s sake. There’s nothing puritanical about thinking that assaulting children out of anger is wrong.

Genuinely interested here in why people think that if you smack a child it teaches them that violence is okay but all other forms of disciine do not teach that that is okay.
Pretty much all forms of behavioural control in children would be considered abusive in an adult relationship.
Shouting, removing treats, controlling screen time, banishing to room, sitting on naughty step. They would all be abusive to do to an adult you supposedly care about, so why are they better.
Many people have come on previous threads like this saying they would have found a snack less traumatic than having to go to their room or other forms of control.

I too smacked my DD and still feel guilty about it 10 years later.

I don’t agree with smacking as it just teaches them that that’s an ok thing to do. However many parents do smack their children and don’t see anything wrong with it. So your once is nothing.

Whats done is done and now you know you won’t do it again.

Don’t over compensate.
Think about how you are going to manage her behaviour in the future instead.

If she’s being physically aggressive and you’re going to lose your temper then putting her in a room with a baby gate so you can still see each other but you can ignore the bad behaviour until she calms down is a good idea.

I think the main problem here is the OP’s behaviour, not her child’s. perhaps she should focus on how she is going to manage that as well.

domestic violence often escalates.

Beating yourself up afterwards is still using a form of punishment, just on yourself. I don't think you can stop using punishment when pushed, until you learn to stop punishing yourself.

You've acknoweledged what you've done so now focus on WHY you did it. What clues were there that you were reaching breaking point and how can you avoid getting into that spot again? This will be much more productive as well as better for you all.

I got the odd smack as a child. I don't agree with it, it left me with less skills to handle upset and I don't think the woman my Mum is today would do it now. But we do still have a close relationship and friendship, so little has truly been harmed.

Do people really think I need help for this? Where from?

A child lashing out in a temper is not the same and it's still not ok
No two situations are exactly the same and the message that it’s ok to hit back to defend yourself if you’re getting hurt doesn’t seem so bad to me.

@thedancingbear the aggressive response suggests otherwise darling🙄

No OP you don't. People are just getting on their high horse, likening your smack to full on abuse. You were pushed to the limit by her bratty behaviour and the fact that you feel bad means that you are not a bad person. However, if her behaviour continues to be bad, you can ask for help managing her - but from people like her nursery teachers, etc to put a behaviour management plan in place. Please don't overcompensate today because you feel bad. Obviously praise any good behaviour, but she does not deserve extra treats/cuddles for what happened yesterday. At the end of the day it happened because she was naughty.

Shouting, removing treats, controlling screen time, banishing to room, sitting on naughty step. They would all be abusive to do to an adult you supposedly care about, so why are they better
For the same reason we do punish adults in a lot of those ways when we incarcerate then but we don't hit them.
Although I too don't think op should beat herself up for a one off mistake that she regrets.

I think OP that you have not been helped by the people who jumped to your defence trotting out the “we all do it” “it never did me any harm” line. Obviously this line of thinking has to be challenged.

I think that only you know whether you really need help.

If you have never smacked anyone before, did this as an automatic response, perhaps having been smacked yourself as a child and maybe didn’t realise until it happened how bad it is? If so - lesson learned.

If you really feel you lost your rag and all control and lashed out as a consequence of that (maybe you have felt this way with other people or in other situations too?) then it doesn't matter how sorry you are, you have anger problems and it could happen again, so you need to seek help.

Also for the same reason schools punish using the equivalent of those ways but not hitting. Presumably no one would be in favour of schools or prisons using physical punishment

What I find interesting is that on MN any time there is a thread on smacking everyone says it’s totally unacceptable and should be illegal yet anytime someone admits to smacking their child on here they get nothing but sympathy and told it’s fine? 🥴 MN logic

Next time you feel yourself getting to breaking point, if possible, leave her somewhere safe where she can't hurt herself, step out of the room and take some big deep breaths, calm yourself down, count to ten, twenty etc.. and then go back into the situation calmer. It really does help

Exactly