Feel sick with the shame

[Pumpupthejammin]

I hit/smacked my almost 4 year old Dd today, never have before.
Her behaviour has been so so difficult for the last couple of months. Today she was shouting at me, her grandma, hitting and kicking me, she wouldn’t stop.
She cried afterwards and I held her.
Sitting here crying as I feel so horrendous, wish I could take it back

It’s unacceptable and should never ever be repeated but you obviously know that, hence feeling bad about it.

Maybe you can use it as a jumping point to seek help for yourself so you can manage her behaviour in a better way - a way that’s productive and non-violent, to improve both your lives. Lashing out in a temper isn’t going to improve her behaviour, it’s simply reflecting her own behaviour back at her and seeing a trusted adult also lose their temper and hit people isn’t exactly going to help her to stop doing it.

I had the odd smack when growing up. In fact I remember my mum throwing food at me when I was in my 20s because I came back drunk. They were not the best parents, but the snacking is not here nor there.

Apologise and acknowledge your mistake to your daughter. Explain why it was wrong and that you will work extremely hard to make sure it never happens again.

Remove yourself from the situation in future if it’s starting to get too much.

I did this once to my younger son who was a real handful, when I was very stressed and getting no support (not an excuse, just for context). I apologised to him the next day and explained I shouldn't have done it. He was fine and never mentioned it afterwards.

Many years later, I don't feel guilty about it now. I understand why it happened and I learnt from it and never did it again.

Cut yourself some slack. I'll ask my son tomorrow if he remembers it and report back!

Don't blame yourself, it can be very difficult and it's a one off.
I slapped my son once. He was a toddler and punched me in the face when I was asleep on the sofa. I lashed out without meaning to.
But he never did that again, neither of us was harmed, he's a perfectly normal teen now and we have a normal healthy relationship.
Put it down to experience and move on. We are all human.

@Pumpupthejammin I understand how you feel. I did the same once .
I was caring for my daughter alone(her father was working away )I was working and feeling exhausted. My daughter was 4 yrs old and pushing boundaries daily.
The day before she was to be a bridesmaid she sneaked a pair of scissors and cut her fringe off to the roots, I handled this quite well and kept calm.
The next day she painted her bedroom wall with blue nail varnish.I managed that fine.
The third day she got a knitting needle from a high cupboard and ran out to the garden holding the needle pointed at her stomach, she looked a the defiantly ,the grass was overgrown and the ground uneven then she started to run . I had visions of her falling and impaled on the knitting needle ,I was absolutely terrified ,I ran grabbed her by the arm and smacked her 3 times on the back of the legs ,she looked at me we horror . I immediately apologised and hugged her we both cried. I put child locks on draws and cupboards the next day. I felt as you describe about the incident for years .
My daughter is an adult now and we discussed it recently , we both believe smacking is not the best way and I still say im sorry I lost it that day.
My daughter ribs me about it occasionally and laughs.... I don't though it still haunts me.

Sorry, but yes!

My son is 23 and I've NEVER hit him, not even a tap on the hand.... punished yes, taken things away, yes, stuck to the punishment, yes (he always learnt from being punished).

My theory is, when you have a child and they hurt themselves, you want to comfort them, take the pain away, so why would you choose to cause that pain????

Maybe you can use it as a jumping point to seek help for yourself so you can manage her behaviour in a better way
Seek help? Wow, just wow!
OP, you know it was wrong, you feel awful and you've apologised to her and you don't deserve to get flamed on here. There would be a huge problem if you didn't feel bad about it but please don't be too hard on yourself. It's important to move on from it though or your daughter will sense that you were the only one behaving badly and that she was totally innocent. I slapped my daughter's leg 30 years ago when she was a similar age, in public outside a department store, and I've never forgotten it and what a terrible thing it was that I'd done. It never ever happened again, she has no recollection of it and we're best friends. Remember what happened and how you feel about it today and then it will never happen again. You're a good mum because you feel so bad about it.

yOU'RE being too hard on yourself.

Smacking is not your go-to, it's not your disciplining method.

You lost control. That's what scares you. You're a good person who aims to do things the right way and you lost control of yourself.

The ''antidote'' for shame is self=compassion and according to my therapis (!)t it will also make you less reactionary.

@alittlefickle for somebody opposed to causing pain and being a perfect mother and all, why are you trying to make the stressed OP who made a mistake feel so bad? Does it make you feel better about yourself in some way?

It's not fine. If OP posted her husband had hit her you wouldn't say "it's fine, it was a one off."

OP maybe consider some parenting classes if you're struggling to manage her behaviour?
Talk to her dad if you're at the end of your tether.

If this was a woman who say their partner had hit them this thread would be LTB-central. I’m a bit shocked at all of the ‘don’t be too hard on yourself’ responses. You hit your child. Feeling shame is a good reaction.
But what’s done is done, what’s matters is what happens next. How are you going to improve your reactions / parenting to ensure this never happens again?

I don’t understand d these comments, if a man posted that he found his wife’s behaviour challenging and he lost control so he smacked her one, no one would be saying oh don’t worry about it, the fact it’s a little child doesn’t change that.

and to say oh well it would only be the same if his wife was hitting him is shameful, this is a four year old, not a grown adult.

op, I think you need to understand how you can get further help if you are struggling to cope like this . I understand why you don’t want to tell your husband but this can’t be some secret you both keep, you need to find ways to ensure this situation doesn’t arise again.

Sorry but it's not fine - it's not the end of the world and you obviously are distraught, but this comment is ridiculous. It's not fine, and of course you should apologise for hitting a small child.

^This. If a man came on here saying he did this he would be labelled as abusive. Funny that.

She will be fine. My parents smacked me, my teachers smacked me, I smacked my children (now in their 20s). None of us are emotionally traumatised by it. I know times have changed and most people now consider it unacceptable. Berating yourself and getting upset, especially infont of your daughter, will achieve nothing.

Erm, yes? There’s no shame in seeking help if you find your child’s behaviour unmanageable. Whether that he help in the form of books/behavioural resources, or parenting courses etc. And if it gets to the point that you’re driven to hitting your child I’d say the behaviour has become unmanageable for you.

I never understand this "it never did any harm" attitude. You think hitting children is ok. That's clearly done you some harm because that's not a healthy attitude.

Don't beat yourself up op. It happens. My son pushed me to my limits once and I smacked him on the leg. He went into school and told his teacher who took me to one side and informed me it was a safe guarding problem. And he would have to inform someone. I felt absolutely awful and ashamed. I had recently had a baby and was terrified he would be taken off me and all sorts. Nobody ever contacted me. I never raised a hand to him again. He can still be a very difficult boy to deal with. Its hard work being a parent.

If this is real then you need to get a grip op. This is why so many were against an outright ban on smacking. If your dd was as being as bad as she sounds then an age-appropriate light smack now may well have been the quickest and most effective way to “explain” that it is not appropriate or tolerable behaviour. Young children need inducting into society by effective parenting, and they do not have the communication abilities of university professors yet.

If smacks - and I mean smacks - are saved for extremes then you are fine. Relax.

Hitting children isn’t an effective way to ‘explain’ that hitting isn’t acceptable.

I was born in 1975 and was smacked occasionally. I also was smacked by a head teacher for writing on the chalk board during lunch break. Nothing bad just writing on a chalk board.....beggars belief really. Only the headteacher one has stayed with me.

Hitting children isn’t an effective way to ‘explain’ that hitting isn’t acceptable.

Neither is a 5-page article in some fancy journal by a professor of child development. What do you think a 4 yr old is going to do while in the middle of a ‘violent’ (highlighted because I don’t have another word for the violence level of a 4 yr old) tantrum? Stop immediately to listen to a lecture and respond with “ Why yes mama, I see the error of my ways now and I shall immediately cease and desist from here on after”?

I work with older kids and teens who haven’t had any discipline and you can tell.

My kids can remember various occasions when I lost my temper, but the extremely rare time I smacked them (once, maybe?), they don't recall that at all.

It's not fine. If OP posted her husband had hit her you wouldn't say "it's fine, it was a one off."

except that if the husband had been hitting and kicking his wife, I don’t think many of us would blame the wife for retaliating.

Who has suggested reading a 5-page article from a fancy journal to a misbehaving child? If you think that’s the only alternative to hitting children I’m disturbed that you claim to work with kids.

And by the way all that ‘oh what are you supposed to do, read a fancy journal to the child or give them a fancy pants lecture’ is just defensive nonsense from parents too lazy to consider that hitting kids is bad parenting.

I also work with kids by the way - somehow we manage behaviour without hitting them or reading them articles from ‘best childcare practices of the 21st century.’ Funny that.