Feel sick with the shame

[Pumpupthejammin]

I hit/smacked my almost 4 year old Dd today, never have before.
Her behaviour has been so so difficult for the last couple of months. Today she was shouting at me, her grandma, hitting and kicking me, she wouldn’t stop.
She cried afterwards and I held her.
Sitting here crying as I feel so horrendous, wish I could take it back

It was you trying to make the comparison 🤨

Also though, and I’m saying this for the benefit of others reading, not just you OP, smacking a child and then hugging them to show you still love them, does not ‘put it right’. It is potentially setting them up for unhealthy future relationships. Done repeatedly it will teach them that smacking is okay if you love somebody. That it’s okay if you say sorry afterwards.

What is the answer- don’t hug them after? No, the answer is to never smack them.

And to those saying “they won’t remember”, maybe not, but their brain will be learning it and making the connections. The early years of childhood are crucial development wise.

For every poster here saying “it never did me any harm” there will be another asking about how to make her abusive partner love her and ignoring all the pleas to LTB.

OP, a one-off and out of character incident won’t do any harm, but it is not good parenting.

Oh dear..

Don't be so hard on yourself. The fact that you feel so awful is punishment enough. I wouldn't keep apologising to your DD. What's done is done and she will soon forget about it! Just maybe now look at ways to understand why she is behaving so badly and explore how to perhaps solve it in a different way. Children can test the patience of a SAINT!

Have to agree

It's seems ok on here for the dc to continue to hit their dps. I wouldn't put up with that in the first place

Have you heard yourself, she knows it wasn’t good ffs, she is a parent who has made a mistake! True abusers would give a shite and certainly wouldn’t post on here and now you are talking about her child being set up to accept abuse for life 😱

Anyway hope you are ok OP

What does your dm think?

Seriously OP, no you shouldn’t have done it and your reaction suggests you’ll never do it again, I agree with other posters not to over apologise as that will be upsetting for her to deal with. My parents smacked me and whilst it wasn’t great and we have learned from their mistakes I’m also not traumatised or seeking out abuse.

I don’t think you read my post properly. I made it clear that I was speaking generally and not specifically to the OP.
And I did not call her an abuser. I said that this style of parenting can make children vulnerable to future abuse. Which is different.

As an aside though, I’m interested to know what you mean by “true abusers”?
There are deliberate abusers- the cruel and sadistic, and then there are those who are coerced, damaged and who act out of rage and deperation. I’m sure we can all think of news stories about parents in both categories, but the impact on the child is just the same.

You do NOT need help for one event. No judgement here, the exact reason I decided not to smack back when it wasn't really considered wrong the way it is now (20 years ago), was because I knew I had a temper and I worried I might smack too hard or more than once. I have walked away and closed the door to get hold of my temper before going back to address poor behaviour. And, yes, I once lost it and smacked, and felt terrible afterwards. He doesn't remember. Swallow your guilt, and move on. Her behaviour does seem a little extreme for a 4 year old though, if it's a regular thing you might get advice from your HV about coping techniques for you both, even at 4 she can learn exercises for coping with her temper. My DD has learning difficulties and we use techniques for her sensory overload reactions to try to prevent meltdowns, such as walking away and counting her steps, taking deep breaths and counting to ten, pressing her thumb and each finger tightly together one by one, or making slow circles on her palm (like 'round and round the garden') and counting those. It helps us both.

Ahh thanks for the dose of patronising, it’s good to get one daily. You are going way over the top and it’s unnecessary and unhelpful in this particular situation. If you aren’t speaking to the OP then your input is moot surely 🤦🏼‍♀️It just feels like you are trying to kick someone when they are down but maybe you just like pontificating.

Except it isn't the same. Children are children and parents are there to bring them up properly and that involves discipline. The behaviour of kids now is a result of this ridiculous parenting that asks children to behave nicely and involves no actual parenting or discipline.

@Goldijobsandthe3bears None of this is personal. I’m making the point precisely because we don’t know who is reading these posts and because I think it’s really important to challenge the narrative of “we all make mistakes” “kids push us all to our limits sometimes” “it never did me any harm” “feeling bad about it means you’re a good parent”.

Who knows how many others (“true abusers” - intentional or otherwise) could be reading this thread and using people’s well-meaning replies to the OP to justify goodness knows what.
.

I think that’s a huge stretch of imagination, and every time you put ‘true abusers’ in quotes you are suggesting the OP is an abuser of sorts so stop being coy and own it. I don’t smack my children but now I’ve read some people trying to help the OP get some perspective I think next time they annoy me why not bash them up…

I’ve clarified my point, you still disagree with me - that’s fine. I suggest we move on, and let this thread do likewise. Have a lovely day.

Yes let’s, thanks you too.

@Pumpupthejammin - if you find you are doing it a lot and can't control it and it escalates then yes. Your GP would probably be first person to talk to.

If it is a very infrequent thing and you leave no marks that remain on your child (as a gauge of how damaging the hit is) then it is still not ideal but no I do not think you need help.

My brother and I once covered each other in poster paint. I was 6 he was 3. We then went to look at ourselves in the long mirror in my Mum’s bedroom. It was so funny to us that we rolled around on her bed covered in paint.

Paint on the stair and landing and bedroom carpets. Paint all over the bedding.

Unsurprisingly she was utterly furious with us. And I got a really bad smacking. She was a consultant paediatrician. It was a one off though.

So I think it can happen to the best of us.
But if you feel really worried that you are getting so angry you can't control yourself and your child is in danger, then I would talk to your GP as a first step. You may be depressed or have anger management issues that can be addressed.

This is another classic piece of nonsense. The behaviour of ‘kids now’ is no worse than the behaviour of kids any other time. And the alternative of hitting your kids isn’t just weakly asking ‘oh please don’t stab your sister darling baby bunny.’ That’s just something people say to justify hitting kids.

My mil smacked my dh once when he was a child. Literally once. She felt guilty still as an old lady. Dh has no recollection of this at all. Forget it and move on.

I think the behaviour is worse tbh

She'll probably remember it. How awful for her.

You need to seek support and I'd suggest a parenting course/anger management. If I knew you in person id report you to social services.

I agree with you @Kanaloa there is totally a middle ground. There have always been soft parents, overly harsh parents and with inbetweenys being the norm. I saw a dad let his ten year old punch his sister in the face the other day and just got told ‘that’s not nice’ 😱 I would have let her go to the club and taken him home over smacking him one though and this isn’t indicative of how most people parent I’m sure.

🎣

@Goldijobsandthe3bears how strange.
are you quite alright? Or are you okay with assaulting children?

Yeah and they'd tell you they're too busy dealing with real parenting problems!

Do you have many real life friends?