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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Scared my partner will be taken from me

362 replies

Derrymare · 29/04/2022 21:46

Please don't judge me but I have been in a relationship for 6 years with a Pakistani national he has been in the country 10 years.
We have lived together 5 years and we are very close. He supports me emotionally as I suffer from depression adhd etc I can't imagine life without him.
The homeoffice refused him any kind of stay and its going to appeal but I'm so worried that the judge will refuse.
We was refused because they say our relationship didn't start at least 2 years before he seeked asylum and that he hasn't been in the UK 20 continuous years.
We don't have any children to help our case and I don't meet the financial requirements.

OP posts:
QuillBill · 30/04/2022 12:29

Derrymare · 30/04/2022 12:08

Well the appeal is also about our human rights so we shall see.

What are you going to say? He's 'suffering' from stress and you are 'suffering' from anxiety?

You need to stop suffering from anything and earn £19000 a year or whatever it is now. That's how you get a visa.

CoastalWave · 30/04/2022 12:31

I went out to Australia 10 or so years ago. I would never have thought I could just move there just because i like it and I got in a relationship with someone.

Everyone criticising UK law but in reality, it's the same everywhere. :S

I am sorry you are in this predicament, but it's very much of his making, surely? He's had 10+ years of trying to make himself legal.

Can you not go to Pakistan with him if you're in love?

GatoradeMeBitch · 30/04/2022 12:36

My partner has given me a sense of purpose in trying to help him.

If helping others helps you, there are many avenues you could explore. Charities always need volunteers.

His case does not sound convincing. He left a huge country because of a fallout with an acquaintance, and he even wants to go back for trips. That is not persecution. He was incompetent with his admin, is what it comes down to. He will probably be refused. His only hope is that he can persuade the authorities that your life and your human rights will be badly impacted by his leaving. Which means it's very much in his best interests for the two of you to be co-dependent. He may be genuine in his feelings for you. But the dynamic you have now is literally his last chance at getting to stay here, so I wouldn't fully trust it.

Do what you want to do in respect to helping him. Hopefully he at least does his share of domestic work while you are providing for him financially. But keep in the back of your mind that his appeal may fail, and you will still have a life to live if/when that happens. If he truly loves you he should be warning you to prepare mentally for losing him, because he wouldn't want your life to fall apart. If he only sees you as a ticket to citizenship he won't really care what happens to you once he's gone. So think ahead to what you'll need for support if you find yourself alone and how you'll care for yourself.

Original poster
Derrymare · 30/04/2022 12:42

Why is everybody so adamant he is using me obviously yes I am his only hope but the only reason I'm helping him.like this is because he cares for me. I already said its my gut instinct that he now wants to do what's right. It's a genuine relationship that is certain.

OP posts:
JanisMoplin · 30/04/2022 12:45

May or may not be a genuine relationship but he is an illegal and has no human right to stay here and no grounds for asylum.

SavoyCabbage · 30/04/2022 12:48

Everyone criticising UK law but in reality, it's the same everywhere. :S

I went to Australia with my Australian dh and applied for residency and got a passport as did my children. It couldn't have been a more different situation.

I don't think that people should just be able to marry foreigners and bring them into the UK but I do think that people think that you can just do that. It's actually quite hard.

And I do think people should have to financially support people they marry. In America, if you marry someone you are financially responsible for them for twenty years, including medical bills. They can't access even food stamps.

But I also think what happened in my situation, a one that lots of other people are in, was an outrage.

MountainDewer · 30/04/2022 12:49

So what’s your actual AIBU?

MountainDewer · 30/04/2022 12:53

@SavoyCabbage the rules used to be much more lax.
They became tighter because of chain migration (usually migrants from Commonwealth countries being forced to marry people from back home who spoke very little English etc…in the days where you could just move here as a Commonwealth country citizen).

Theres a whole historical context that’s not quite the same as other countries. Apart from France which has similar.

I think the rules are quite brutal (and I hope not to fall afoul of them) , the Windrush scandal etc was disgusting. but there has also been a lot of pisstaking….

Sortilege · 30/04/2022 12:55

Derrymare · 30/04/2022 12:42

Why is everybody so adamant he is using me obviously yes I am his only hope but the only reason I'm helping him.like this is because he cares for me. I already said its my gut instinct that he now wants to do what's right. It's a genuine relationship that is certain.

I think the point is responsible adults wouldn’t choose to be economically inactive and financially dependent on a new partner unless they had absolutely no choice.

Ditto most people keep their immigration status in order unless they have absolutely no choice.

Posters on the thread can’t see that a property dispute in Pakistan is a reason to claim asylum in the UK, so think that really he DID have a choice, as evidenced by the fact he didn’t make an asylum claim until he was caught as an overstayer. The timing of him forming a relationship with you looks convenient for him.

Maybe if you explained how he initially came to be in the UK
it how you met him, that would give more context?

You do sound very convinced he is genuine but MN is never very keen on non-working partners and it’s not hard to see why people are suspicious, is it?

UseOfWeapons · 30/04/2022 12:55

OP, everyone is telling you the same thing, that your partner does not have your best interests at heart. This is from the information that you have given. We are all concerned that in your current vulnerable situation, you are not seeing things clearly, and we’re trying to kindly help you to see this. As others have pointed out, his claim will likely fail, and he would know this, but instead of helping you to prepare for the inevitable, he’s playing on your insecurities, rather than helping you to gain the proper support that you clearly need. That’s not love.

He needs you…for financial assistance, and to support his claim. His human rights are not breached, and with the right help, you will get through this, when he is gone.

Please, seek whatever help you can for your mental and physical well-being, but do not rely on him for this. He’s using you. Keep posting so we can help you.

SinaraSmith · 30/04/2022 13:03

Why did you support his application for asylum? You knew he was lying because he intends to visit there with you. So you know he isn’t at risk of persecution in returning.

But you supported his lies?

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 30/04/2022 13:11

Most of us are saying the same thing, what does that tell you? Posters on this thread are all different people from different backgrounds, from different places and yet we're pretty much all in agreement that this man is not good for you and that you need to focus on looking after yourself and getting some proper support around you.

JanisMoplin · 30/04/2022 13:13

Am going to repeat again as a S Asian woman: do not go to Pakistan. Think of your son and stay here.

cuparfull · 30/04/2022 13:15

He wants to return on a visit to his own country? So he's not fleeing persecution, therefore he's not a genuine asylum seeker. He's using you.
Please look to your own wellbeing Flowers

NoviceNetwork · 30/04/2022 13:17

This reply has been deleted

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newbiename · 30/04/2022 13:23

Derrymare · 30/04/2022 12:08

Well the appeal is also about our human rights so we shall see.

Which of your human rights have been violated ? You and him ?

zafferana · 30/04/2022 13:53

This reply has been deleted

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AChocolateOrangeaday · 30/04/2022 13:54

He has no legitimate right to stay so the best thing to do is start facing up to the fact.

Lulu777 · 30/04/2022 13:58

This is a horrible thread, saturated in racist, ignorant assumptions.

Sortilege · 30/04/2022 14:01

Lulu777 · 30/04/2022 13:58

This is a horrible thread, saturated in racist, ignorant assumptions.

It’s not racist to see the problems with marriage-based migration claims. Lots of British Asian women have been used in this way. In fact British Asian women are probably the biggest victims of these situations.

Lulu777 · 30/04/2022 14:03

I have complained about this thread to MN and I hope it's taken down: "There are so many racist comments on this thread, implying that white women in relationships with men of colour from the global south are being used and abused. Please take this thread down, it is appalling, and will severely affect the OP who is already suffering from mental health issues."

Chilledchablis1 · 30/04/2022 14:07

Lulu777 ·
I have complained about this thread to MN and I hope it's taken down: "There are so many racist comments on this thread, implying that white women in relationships with men of colour from the global south are being used and abused. Please take this thread down, it is appalling, and will severely affect the OP who is already suffering from mental health issues."

Has the OP said she is white ?

I think most people are genuinely concerned as she is clearly vulnerable.

JanisMoplin · 30/04/2022 14:08

Honestly @Lulu777 your comment indicates how sometimes well meaning white people bend over backwards to cry racism. I don't think any of the S Asians on this thread have found this racist. Of course there's plenty of racism on MN, but on this thread posters are right to be concerned.

Sortilege · 30/04/2022 14:09

Lulu777 · 30/04/2022 14:03

I have complained about this thread to MN and I hope it's taken down: "There are so many racist comments on this thread, implying that white women in relationships with men of colour from the global south are being used and abused. Please take this thread down, it is appalling, and will severely affect the OP who is already suffering from mental health issues."

That’s just ridiculous.

When brown men are given an exemption from criticism, it is overwhelmingly brown women who suffer.

It is exactly the same way in which young British Asian women were told to shut up about so-called honour killing in the 80s and 90s; “Don’t criticise the Asian men. It’s racist.” (Translation “Asian women, lie down and put up with it.”)

There isn’t even anything specific to Asia about the concerns voiced in this thread.

Pinkdelight3 · 30/04/2022 14:13

will severely affect the OP who is already suffering from mental health issues.

In the OP's specific case, rather than the generalised comments, do you not think she needs to hear the outside perspectives? Most of which aren't racist, but are just working from the facts that she's given. It seems like this reality check is needed, especially as she's so cut off IRL and immersed in a skewed version which is creating this desperation and exacerbating suffering. Is that better for her? Has it been really been helping her - or him - to continue in the charade (of asylum seeking that is, no one can really speak to the truth of their relationship)?