Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner told me to fuck off

149 replies

stressedoutandannoyed · 29/04/2022 07:07

Our 1 year old isn't well. I was off yesterday with her. Trying to decide this morning if she's well enough for childcare - trying to discuss it with him. He said "I don't know, but I have to leave for work now". So I said (probably in a shitty, snappy tone granted because I'm fed up of it all being on me now as we both work FT): "great, so you're leaving me to deal with it all, then." He replied "oh fuck off". And walked out.

Am I BU to actually fuck off as I'm just done with this shit??? I'm so overwhelmed and I feel like he just expects me to pick up the slack and have time off when she's sick. Like my job somehow isn't important.

OP posts:
FlipFlops4Me · 29/04/2022 07:09

If it was me I'd tell him "OK then" - and do it. Whether permanently or until he understands that both parents are supposed to care for the children would depend entirely on the strength of the relationship in other areas.

Ponoka7 · 29/04/2022 07:10

What was the plan before and while you were pregnant? This needs to be discussed when you are both calm. Is he pulling his weight in other ways? Any financial hit to you, for time off should be shared.

Ponoka7 · 29/04/2022 07:11

You might be egged on, on here to leave but how will that work in practical terms?

spotcheck · 29/04/2022 07:13

Well, he WAS leaving you to deal with it, so you were right to comment.
Have you got somewhere else to go? What is your housing situation?

KangarooKenny · 29/04/2022 07:13

How come he’s gone to work ? If his child is ill you need to take it in turns to be off work.
And get him out of your life.

Original poster
stressedoutandannoyed · 29/04/2022 07:14

I've pulls his weight in other areas, yes. But always, always reluctant to have any time off work. Because he has "big important man job" apparently. 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedoutandannoyed · 29/04/2022 07:14

*he not I've

OP posts:
hoomae · 29/04/2022 07:18

If he isn't normally like this then I would let it go.

I can't even begin to tell you the amount of times I told my partner to fuck off (well, words to that effect) when we had a young baby. It is so stressful and you are not always rational and you say things you don't mean.

If he is always like this then that's a different story. Also, does he help with the baby? If not then yeah, It would be a big issue.

Allthe4s · 29/04/2022 07:20

This is not equal.

Good on you for retaining your job. Do NOT jeopardise your future success by having huge number of days off to cover childcare when both need to cover them. We used to either take alternative days if DC needed several days off, or alternate whose turn it was depending. Guess what - I had a “big important job”. Still took my share of the time off, still got promoted.

hoomae · 29/04/2022 07:22

Just seen that you have said he pull his weight in other areas. Just have a word with him tonight about it and sort it out. If it keeps happening then you've got a problem on your hands.

My partner assumed that I would take off time if one of our girls was ill but it was because my job was very flexible and I could have time off and just make it up, plus lots of holidays etc. He would lose a days wage if he took the day off. Is this similar in your situation maybe? My partner changed jobs and now has a flexible role and we take it in turns to take a day off if required.

x2boys · 29/04/2022 07:25

You have a young baby who might be unwell and you are both stressed, I really wouldn't listen to the hysteria of Mumsnet if it's a one off
If it's the tip of the iceberg than that's a different matter and you need to make proper plans .

girlmom21 · 29/04/2022 07:27

Were you trying to get him to decide whether she was well enough to go?

PiesMcPieFace · 29/04/2022 07:30

I think the "fuck off" comment is a bit of a red herring here. It's not pleasant but I know often in exasperation it's the only thing I can come up with too.

You probably need to have a talk about why the childcare is split the way it is and whether that can feasibly change. A lot of people on here will tell you it has to be split straight down the middle or your DP is not pulling his weight etc. but in the real world it doesn't always work like that.
Often one person does have a job that they cannot take time away from at the drop of hat. In my household DW has certain days throughout the month where she does reporting and cannot take AL. If DS is sick on those days I have to take all of the time off. This is unpaid leave for me, but I am able to go in to make up the hours at other times and DW takes over childcare then.... I am sure many on here would say it's not equal but it works for us. Find something that works for you too OP.

Shinyandnew1 · 29/04/2022 07:31

His attitude really sucks-that’s horrible.

You need to talk about this when both calm and explain that this isn’t fair.

I was fortune when ours were little/ill in that although I was a teacher with a very inflexible and unapproachable head teacher, DH could WFH/take days off much more easily, so he did more of them. Generally though, it’s not fair for one parent to carry that load alone. There will be lots of those days over the years so you need to discuss it now.

girlmom21 · 29/04/2022 07:32

Did you speak last night about who'd have today off if she wasn't well enough to go in?

carefullycourageous · 29/04/2022 07:34

There are two possibilities here:


  • he is an OK partner generally and you have had a tetchy row

  • he is not an OK partner generally and you have had a tetchy row

The comment fuck off' would not raise an eyebrow in my house, we are both sweary and when annoyed can say things like that. We share all the housework, childcare and money-earning.

'Fuck off' is not in itself an issue, to me.

DDivaStar · 29/04/2022 07:35

That is very disrespectful but why have you not discussed how you will deal with childs sick days....

5 mins before he has to leave is too late to have this discussion.

Bitterwounds · 29/04/2022 07:35

Really sorry you're in this situation. It doesn't bode well for the future. I'd leave him. There is no level of violence that's acceptable.

girlmom21 · 29/04/2022 07:36

Bitterwounds · 29/04/2022 07:35

Really sorry you're in this situation. It doesn't bode well for the future. I'd leave him. There is no level of violence that's acceptable.

Where's the violence?

carefullycourageous · 29/04/2022 07:37

Bitterwounds · 29/04/2022 07:35

Really sorry you're in this situation. It doesn't bode well for the future. I'd leave him. There is no level of violence that's acceptable.

There was no violence? He said 'fuck off'.

drpet49 · 29/04/2022 07:39

@Bitterwounds get a grip

Crochetcacher · 29/04/2022 07:42

He shouldn’t have done that, and there was no need for him to swear at you (I have nothing against swearing, just not to people, well to their face anyway).

it depends if this is a dealbreaker for you, but onl you can decide that, could you talk to him
About it, and decide what your boundary is and what you will and won’t tolerate?

x2boys · 29/04/2022 07:43

Bitterwounds · 29/04/2022 07:35

Really sorry you're in this situation. It doesn't bode well for the future. I'd leave him. There is no level of violence that's acceptable.

Violence??
He said "Fuck off"🙄

carefullycourageous · 29/04/2022 07:46

I think leaving a good partnership because someone says 'fuck off' would be really foolish.

'Fuck off' is just a phrase. You can be a decent partner and use the phrase 'fuck off' and you can be a selfish/lazy/whatever else type of twat who would never swear to someone's face.

When children are young it is common to feel quite a lot of rage with your partner, and them with you, because both are completely knackered and there is no time for fun. But the fundamentals of whether someone is a decent person or not should still be visible.

WhenDovesFly · 29/04/2022 07:47

In hindsight you should have had a conversation last night about who would be off today if your DD was still too unwell for childcare, not wait until this morning to try and discuss it while you're rushing about getting ready.

Your husband needs to understand that caring for your DD is a shared responsibility, and you have to have a plan in place for any future illnesses so that you're not bearing the brunt of it. I'd wait to discuss it over the weekend, not tonight when you'll both be tired

Swipe left for the next trending thread