Partner told me to fuck off

[stressedoutandannoyed]

Our 1 year old isn't well. I was off yesterday with her. Trying to decide this morning if she's well enough for childcare - trying to discuss it with him. He said "I don't know, but I have to leave for work now". So I said (probably in a shitty, snappy tone granted because I'm fed up of it all being on me now as we both work FT): "great, so you're leaving me to deal with it all, then." He replied "oh fuck off". And walked out.

Am I BU to actually fuck off as I'm just done with this shit??? I'm so overwhelmed and I feel like he just expects me to pick up the slack and have time off when she's sick. Like my job somehow isn't important.

Being sworn at is not acceptable. There is no place for this behaviour in a healthy relationship.

He does owe you an apology and I hope he recognises that. Really he shouldn't need to be prompted to apologise for this - he should be appalled at himself and keen to make amends. Maybe when you are both feeling calm there's a bigger conversation to be had about the way he needs to step up as a dad and partner. Leaving you to deal with things by yourself is not okay. You're supposed to be a team. I'd suggest get yourself some counselling, too.

During maternity leave, we hadn't discussed this issue either. My DH was pretty surprised when the situation came up and I expected a 50/50 split of us taking time off. It wasn't that he thought 'she's a woman, that's her job', just genuinely hadn't considered it, but he is a bit of an idiot like that.

However, your partner has had time to consider this, and still thinks it's not his problem. I would probably go in all guns blazing, but that's probably not very constructive. I think you need to sit down with him in a quiet moment and ask him what he thinks the plan should be when your baby is ill, because this will come up time and time again for the next 16 years. His response will tell you all you need to know.

I really wouldn't listen to the hysteria on Mumsnet

Internalised misogyny much! Or do you realise how sexist that comment is and just don't care? Either way it's a horrible comment.

You are definitely owed an apology OP! And a conversation about how this works going forward.

*No amount of calls from the MN rabble that a PARENT should take equal time off with a sick child is going to help if

A) he earns more
b) it isn't a flexible job compared to yours
C) he doesn't get paid if he stays home compared to if you do
D) he can't work from home but you can
E) The Op has just returned from mat leave so he has to deal with absences until her job re-established.

"He earns more isn't relevant".

Op, I'm sorry you're dealing with this as know how stressful it is. Only you know if his attitude is symptomatic of his selfish behaviour. At best he may have been focused on leaving so couldn't consider an alternative but if that's the case he will be contrite later and work with you to agree he steps up in future.

However as you alluded to, he is of the opinion that "his job is more important" and this speaks to an entitlement and grandiose beliefs which never gets better.

A true partnership is where a couple discuss childcare and no parent is overly sacrificing their job. I hope you can get there with him.

This is an example who women are held back from earning- yet on divorce there is no recognition of the career sacrifices mothers make

Well it depends on the context we don't all live perfect lives with perfect relationship, sometimes people get stressed and tell their partner to "fuck off" I have and so has my dh.

The bigger issue here is the division of labour re. sick kid care. Do you feel like it's fair? Is your job more flexible or is it just that his is more 'important.' The fact that he pulls his weight in other areas is beside the point because this is the area that has the biggest potential to impact on your job/career/earning potential, so if you want the setup to be different you need to address that. And maybe also tell him to fuck off.

Just read your response at 8.19. Really sorry to read this. What an awful, awful attitude. He's not going to change so you have some decisions to make. I couldn't stay with a man who had so little respect for me and my job. And told me to fuck off.

Please quote my full quote if you are going to throw around terms like misogny .
I have seen so many threads ,where hysteria from some posters have turned a situation into some thing it isn't maybe you haven't but I have .

My job is probably more flexible, yes. But I've also been out of the loop for a year on mat leave so having to work hard to bring myself up to speed etc. Having time off with a sick baby here and there isn't exactly helping. Doesn't help that she's sick quite often, with various different things. It seems never ending.

That's awful. Sorry to hear that. Relationships don't have to be perfect to be good, and any couple can argue, but to treat one another with contempt is a very bad sign. Contempt is the number one indicator of marriages that will end in divorce. Something to think about, maybe.

I have a meeting this morning that is a one off, once a year event. I can't miss it. He knows this. He had a usual run of the mill day at work. I also sorted yesterday.

He just very strongly views it as not his responsibility to be involved in a decision about childcare or take the time off himself. He's very sexist in that sense. Which is odd because he will happily do night feeds or cook meals. Just cannot possibly miss work. Ever.

He's actually phrased it this way before now, when we've discussed similar dilemmas in the past: "well it's up to you what you want to do", with regard to childcare issues. Why the fuck is it up to me?! Because I birthed her out of my uterus?

This is utterly unreasonable of him - absolute ingrained sexism. It’s not at all ok. Completely unacceptable. I can see how hurried quick decisions in the morning can go badly, but if it’s part of a set of underlying assumptions, there’s no excuse.

Your DC is going to be ill again at some point - it’s just what happens. Can you have the conversation much more upfront - next time she is ill, we have to take turns. Or “I can cover Mon and weds but I can’t do Tuesday “. He won’t be reasonable and discuss in a sensible way so you may have to do it in advance - and be prepared to get up and out before him and pre warn your childminder if she’s not well enough to come in.

Youve got potentially years of this ahead of you. Dads have to take time off too. I have big important job, and there are loads of dads at my work also with same big important job, and they also take time off for kids - it’s not unheard of. Plenty of them take several months paternity leave too. The tide is changing in places. Not fast enough, but I think it’s critical that you and he sort this out as early as possible - or I wouldn’t be able to stand the resentment.

I'm really angry on your behalf OP

The 'I've got to go', from your updates it sounded like you also had stuff you had 'got' to do and more so than him if you had a once a year meeting and he had a standard day at work

Unless he is a doctor or something where he is letting a load of sick people down then his behaviour is disgusting.

And people suggesting that it was tit for tat. You said 'great, you're leaving me to deal with it again' or similar. That's factual, the only slightly controversial bit is 'great' which is a bit sarcastic. I don't think a bit of sarcasm when someone has dropped you in it, warrants being sworn at. I think he deliberately over reacted so he could justify storming out

Don't be foolish enough to have another baby with him.

@stressedoutandannoyed You and your husbands primary concern should be your sick Childs care and that care should be your joint responsibility.
Did you previously decide it was solely your responsibility ?
Does he not care what the arrangements are for caring for you sick child or just thinks thats your responsibility alone?
You need to discuss and clarify this .

I'd be really angry if my dh said this. However, I think you both need to have discussed this the night before, given dc had been sick that day. I'd have said- 'so if dc still sick tomorrow what's the plan?' And come up with one. It's poor parenting on both your sides to leave it until the last minute. Your set up sounds similar to mine- I earn more, have more flexibility and can work from home some of the week. But I have set times for clinic that are booked months in advance so I would expect dh to cover the second day of I covered the first.

"He's actually phrased it this way before now, when we've discussed similar dilemmas in the past: "well it's up to you what you want to do", with regard to childcare issues. Why the fuck is it up to me?! Because I birthed her out of my uterus?"**

If it's up to you then tell him that what you want is to work & him stay off!

I agree with this.

We do split any sick time but it is based on whose needs with their job are most pressing at the time.

There are lots of calls to LTB but talking to him about it first when you are both calm is probably a more measured response

so he knew it was a big day for you, that he could take a day off and be paid and he still chose to leave whilst verbally abusing you

A serious conversation is needed that you cannot keep on taking the time off. Earnings are relevant I think in that if you continue to push your job without him pushing his that could affect your job.

And if he isnt prepared to listen to it then I think some decision making needs to be done

And your childminder sounds amazing

Yuck. I have a small, seriously looked down upon especially on MN kind of job. But funnily enough my husband discusses with me what we are both trying to juggle.

He's got a job, but he's not really got a handle on his adult responsibilities. Very unattractive I'd be asking him when he's going to pull his weight. He's useless ballast looking from the outside

Well you certainly are being unreasonable; demanding apologies for verbal abuse is a mistake. What a certain way to prolong a row about a really important problem that needs solving.

I also think you are being unreasonable about expecting your DH to shoulder your irrational guilt. Children occasionally 'suffer' when both parents work. Don't get me wrong, I am hugely in favour of both parents working, but there will be occasions when far from perfect solutions have to be found to urgent problems. There was one here and it is the solution you have eventually gone with.

I wonder if what happened this morning was similar to this: DH wanted your daughter to go to the child-minder and you didn't. You wanted to discuss the matter until you managed to change his mind. He couldn't discuss the matter as he had no time. You tried to make him feeling guilty by incorrectly implying that there was no other solution bar your career suffering, when there was the imperfect option of the childminder. You weren't being completely straight or fair with him and you spoke to him in a shitty and snappy tone, understandable given the stress of a sick child and an imminent important meeting. You implied he was a bad father and husband and he told you to fuck off. You sure you want an apology?

In hindsight you should have had a conversation last night about who would be off today if your DD was still too unwell for childcare, not wait until this morning to try and discuss it while you're rushing about getting ready.

Agree. And even if the baby only woke up 5 minutes before he left, you could have checked how they were before it woke up, surely?

You definitely need to have a calmer conversation about this. About expectations and both pulling your weight. Me and DH were pretty much 50/50 overall on things like this, but there were times when he did more because i had things i couldn't drop at work, and vice versa.

Can you go out all day on Saturday? preferably overnight? just leave him to it?

We would have had this conversation but the default understanding is if I was off today, he’s off tomorrow. It’s taken him a bit of time to get his head around stepping forward to parent instead of waiting to be asked (& hoping I won’t) but I absolutely don’t accept it’s anything other than equal commitment and it really would end my marriage if he thought it was my job. For those saying jobs are different, Dh works on site not from home so simply can’t do his job the same way at home, I’m wfh so in many mumsnet examples I would see women say oh he works out of home so I have to do the sick days. I say wfh is just as important work and Dh needs to share the parenting with me.

You could leave, inevitably make yourself financially worse off, cause your child to spend the next 16/18 years traipsing between homes, potentially fitting in with kids who just happen to be kids of the woman your ex has picked, you and your husband trawling through available other spouses and step parents/siblings

or alternatively, you could sit down when both calm and discuss

up to you really

I think you would be unreasonable to actually just fuck off.

Having a young baby and both working full time is incredibly stressful, you’re probably both exhausted and stressed to the max and arguments are bound to happen.

I don’t know who these people in perfect relationships who never swear at each other in stressful situations are! Must be nice!

However I would be be pretty pissed off with him and want an apology….as others say a discussion when you’re both a bit less tired/annoyed about how to share the childcare when baby is sick is needed.

Also need to accept babies get a lot of illnesses in first year or so and sometimes you just have to pack them off to the childminder when they’re not 100%. Also talking to your partner in the morning in a shitty tone isn’t really going to help….probably makes him feel pretty annoyed as well.