Partner told me to fuck off

[stressedoutandannoyed]

Our 1 year old isn't well. I was off yesterday with her. Trying to decide this morning if she's well enough for childcare - trying to discuss it with him. He said "I don't know, but I have to leave for work now". So I said (probably in a shitty, snappy tone granted because I'm fed up of it all being on me now as we both work FT): "great, so you're leaving me to deal with it all, then." He replied "oh fuck off". And walked out.

Am I BU to actually fuck off as I'm just done with this shit??? I'm so overwhelmed and I feel like he just expects me to pick up the slack and have time off when she's sick. Like my job somehow isn't important.

Because 5 mins before he left was the time that DD woke up. And she felt hot, began to cough and splutter everywhere and cry. So I said "doesn't seem like she's much better, does it? What shall we do?" .... and then the rest of the conversation happened as I've described

No. I was trying to discuss with him what we as parents should do.

It really should have been discussed the night before and a plan set up for what would happen if your dd was still ill the following morning. If one of you has a more flexible job it may be worth agreeing that that person does the first (unexpected) day and then you work out the rest of the days care by looking at who has the easiest schedule to juggle each day of the illness. Deciding just as your dh was going out the door and was rushing round was never going to end well.

@PiesMcPieFace

A lot of people on here will tell you it has to be split straight down the middle or your DP is not pulling his weight etc. but in the real world it doesn't always work like that.

Yet the rest of your post describes an equal distribution between you and your DP. In the real world women are left behind in the workplace because men try to pull the ‘important’ card. Put the word “self” in front and we have something closer to the truth.

In any case I agree with the sentiment and it needs to be equitable.

Well there was no need for you to snap like that, it makes you unreasonable too. She had a temperature and cough so you should have just told him it’s his turn to take the time of work.

I think you need to sit down and discuss scheduling. Taking it in turns to take unpaid parental leave to care for your daughter when shes sick. That's equal.

Oh OP you poor thing - I take it you need to take another day off.

A conversation is needed I think this evening about how it isnt fair that it is all on you and he shouldnt speak to you like this. You understand it is stressful but it is incredibly unfair for it all (the decision and the responsibility) to be on you and that it is never acceptable to talk to you like this

Tbh, you were both frazzled. Have a conversation later about a plan going forward. Hopefully he'll be in touch to apologise. I don't see it as massive if it's unusual. The very fact you consulted him, implies he might normally have been involved in a decision. Hope your little one is better soon.

No. I was trying to discuss with him what we as parents should do.

And he needed to leave for work. You said she woke with a temperature so surely the conversation should have been "she can't go in and I can't miss another day. You'll have to have the day off" or "have you got anything important on today? Shall i stay off with her?"

What are you respecting jobs? If he is a surgeon and your work is an admin role for the council for instance, sadly it would make sense that he is the one to go to work.

But you knew this was a possibility last night.

You also knew it was a possibility when you had a child planning to go go back to work. You need to discuss the best way to handle things together. Then you wouldn't be snapping at each other because your deciding what to do at the last minute.

Well for me it would be the thin end of the wedge.

Perhaps it should have been decided yesterday that you would work today in any event?

If you had just got up & gone to work, would you have trusted him to stay at home with your daughter if necessary?

Well does he have an important job?

Asking 5 mins before he leaves the house isn't going to help - there really isn't much he can do - and given what you describe of how she was feeling it was obvious she was still unwell so the answer was obvious? If you are best placed to stay home with her then it is what it is. No amount of calls from the MN rabble that a man should take equal time off with a sick child is going to help if

A) he earns more
b) it isn't a flexible job compared to yours
C) he doesn't get paid if he stays home compared to if you do
D) he can't work from home but you can

Unfortunately if your dh leaves at roughly the same time or before your dd wakes then the organising of time off is going to drop largely to you in the first instance. When my children were small I worked alternate shifts. If I had gone to work for a 6 am start then dh had to sort out any illness and I sorted out care when I had an afternoon start. We didn’t have particularly sickly children so wasn’t ever a common occurrence. Only problem really came up when two of my children had chicken pox back to back. Luckily dh works for himself and the second child to catch it was still a babe in arms so slept in his office in a pram until I was free to take over.

He would have refused and just walked out and left me to it.

Get a grip

Do you have anywhere you go could just for some time away with your DD

I agree it would have been better discussed the night before so although it’s too late for today, you know to have a conversation for next time.

If you both need your jobs and the associated income, then you both need to be prepared to take time off occasionally. In many families, the parent with the lower earning job will take the time off for childcare because the family is relying on the other income more, but it depends what the situation is in your personal circumstances.

As others have said, discuss this at a more relaxed time. Work out a structure of childcare between you, ie taking in turns. Morning time, before work is when ppl can be tetchy. It's certainly not a dumping offence! Make sure he knows how your job is equally important. If he doesn't accept that, then it's he who has the problem and that will be up to him to get over that. Not the other way round.

Yeah. That was the exact plan - to have that conversation. I opened it with "what shall we do?" - hoping to go down the route of the exact comments you describe. Instead I got "no idea but I need to leave now". In other words- you're on your own with it.

Oh, and I already know his schedule for today, and he knows mine. I have a meeting this morning that is a one off, once a year event. I can't miss it. He knows this. He had a usual run of the mill day at work. I also sorted yesterday.

He just very strongly views it as not his responsibility to be involved in a decision about childcare or take the time off himself. He's very sexist in that sense. Which is odd because he will happily do night feeds or cook meals. Just cannot possibly miss work. Ever.

He's actually phrased it this way before now, when we've discussed similar dilemmas in the past: "well it's up to you what you want to do", with regard to childcare issues. Why the fuck is it up to me?! Because I birthed her out of my uterus?

Sat waiting for my meeting to start and feeling awfully horribly guilty about the fact I've sent her to childcare when she's not fully OK (childminder was happy to take her on the proviso she may need to call me if she gets any worse). Meanwhile he's at work feeling not one iota of guilt or responsibility for the situation.

It's sexist bollocks and I'm sick of it.

A) he earns more
b) it isn't a flexible job compared to yours
C) he doesn't get paid if he stays home compared to if you do
D) he can't work from home but you can

A) no, I earn more by some way
B) I do have more flexibility yes
C) he does get paid, we both do
D) he can't no. I can - but not with a sick baby, obviously. I can do bits here and there if she sleeps. But her day time naps aren't amazing, so I'd get very little done. She's also clingy and (understandably) wanting lots of cuddles when she's unwell. Hence I'd not get much done. So whether I can wfh is a moot point, really.

Yes but family are some distance away and I don't want to take DD on long car journey when she's unwell.

Can't believe the number of people saying that telling your partner to "fuck off" is acceptable in a relationship. That's crazy.

It's disrespectful and contemptuous, and it's also a form of verbal abuse.

I don't know what to advise you here, OP, because you might be one of these people who thinks it's okay for adults in a supposedly loving relationship to verbally abuse one another. But if this is part of a pattern of his contempt for you and for your job, it sounds serious.

In that case he's a complete tosser and I can see why you're angry.
The sexism is so much worse than telling you to fuck off.

@beastlyslumber

I have sent him a message saying he owes me an apology for the verbal abuse. I view it as exactly that, there's no excuse for it.