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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner told me to fuck off

149 replies

stressedoutandannoyed · 29/04/2022 07:07

Our 1 year old isn't well. I was off yesterday with her. Trying to decide this morning if she's well enough for childcare - trying to discuss it with him. He said "I don't know, but I have to leave for work now". So I said (probably in a shitty, snappy tone granted because I'm fed up of it all being on me now as we both work FT): "great, so you're leaving me to deal with it all, then." He replied "oh fuck off". And walked out.

Am I BU to actually fuck off as I'm just done with this shit??? I'm so overwhelmed and I feel like he just expects me to pick up the slack and have time off when she's sick. Like my job somehow isn't important.

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedoutandannoyed · 29/04/2022 19:08

Giraffesandbottom · 29/04/2022 19:07

Or I was out socialising with my work colleagues and I'm not glued to MN or in constant contact with my partner

is the time to be socialising with work colleagues when your daughter is unwell?

I knew someone would pick up on the first time since her birth over a year ago that I've been for a few drinks with friends.

She was with her Dad and she had picked up a bit by tea time.

That ok with you?

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedoutandannoyed · 29/04/2022 19:12

Fuck me you really do get judged for everything on here don't you!

Would anyone ever say to a man "should you really be having a few drinks after work when your child is home sick with their mother?"

Would they fuck.

Sexist as fuck.

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedoutandannoyed · 29/04/2022 19:12

Yes I swore a lot there. 😂

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 29/04/2022 19:13

stressedoutandannoyed · 29/04/2022 19:12

Fuck me you really do get judged for everything on here don't you!

Would anyone ever say to a man "should you really be having a few drinks after work when your child is home sick with their mother?"

Would they fuck.

Sexist as fuck.

They're the same people who state everything should be 50/50 and you should get the same free time too Wink

But obvs not when it suits you...

newbiename · 29/04/2022 19:13

Bitterwounds · 29/04/2022 07:35

Really sorry you're in this situation. It doesn't bode well for the future. I'd leave him. There is no level of violence that's acceptable.

What violence?

vipersnest1 · 29/04/2022 19:18

Don't stress about it OP, I'm sure all of those posters are very comfortable on their pedestals.
I think this is something you need to have out with him.
I would hate you to get to the situation I ended up in - where now XH wouldn't even come to the doctor's with me, or the hospital the day after (when we had both agreed we thought our DC may well be blind), because 'I didn't need him there'. Basically his job was too important or he was a fucking coward. That may be projecting a bit or even a lot, but you need to nip that in the bud.

Giraffesandbottom · 29/04/2022 19:21

Would anyone ever say to a man "should you really be having a few drinks after work when your child is home sick with their mother?"

if I didn’t have the context that she was with the mother (just like I didn’t have the context that she was with her father here), then absolutely I would say that to a man! Not sexist at all in this instance.

girlmom21 · 29/04/2022 19:22

Giraffesandbottom · 29/04/2022 19:21

Would anyone ever say to a man "should you really be having a few drinks after work when your child is home sick with their mother?"

if I didn’t have the context that she was with the mother (just like I didn’t have the context that she was with her father here), then absolutely I would say that to a man! Not sexist at all in this instance.

Where did you think the child was then? At home fending for herself? Don't be so obtuse.

Apricote · 29/04/2022 19:24

Howeverbut everything you've posted on this thread is so goady.

Giraffesandbottom · 29/04/2022 19:24

@girlmom21

it is not obtuse, I thought she was still with the childminder!

the context of the thread is the husband being a deadbeat and refusing to look after his sick child. On what planet would I naturally assume the mother is now having a nice time out and about and the father is being responsible with the child?

girlmom21 · 29/04/2022 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Giraffesandbottom · 29/04/2022 19:27

@girlmom21

i didn’t realise you and the rest of MN had bandied together and had a discussion 😃

Original poster
stressedoutandannoyed · 29/04/2022 19:27

Giraffesandbottom · 29/04/2022 19:24

@girlmom21

it is not obtuse, I thought she was still with the childminder!

the context of the thread is the husband being a deadbeat and refusing to look after his sick child. On what planet would I naturally assume the mother is now having a nice time out and about and the father is being responsible with the child?

No. Wrong.

I said very clearly that he steps up in many other areas. He just refuses to miss work. That's it.

After finishing work he's more than happy to do childcare. Which is what he's done for a few hours this evening.

Incidentally I'm now home cuddling my baby to sleep as he's back out to work a night shift.

OP posts:
Giraffesandbottom · 29/04/2022 19:29

@stressedoutandannoyed

Now you’re feeling defensive about your husband but I stand by what I say in my summary. Today, he was being a deadbeat and refusing to look after his sick child. That’s why you posted a thread. I did read that he does other things, but your post was about today. Where he was being a deadbeat.

Original poster
stressedoutandannoyed · 29/04/2022 19:29

Giraffesandbottom · 29/04/2022 19:21

Would anyone ever say to a man "should you really be having a few drinks after work when your child is home sick with their mother?"

if I didn’t have the context that she was with the mother (just like I didn’t have the context that she was with her father here), then absolutely I would say that to a man! Not sexist at all in this instance.

You'd say to a parent "is now a good time to go for a few drinks" when the child is being adequately cared for by the other perfectly competent parent? Just because the child had a bit of a cold? Why is looking after a child with a cold a two man job?

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedoutandannoyed · 29/04/2022 19:33

Incidentally, not that I should need to justify myself to anyone on the internet, but this is the first time since my baby's birth that I have let my hair down a bit and had a nice few hours out with friends. DP has done this on around 4 occasions since her birth. Why? Because the guilt of being away from her and doing something for myself has eaten me up to an unhelpful degree. Today, I decided no more. I did my work meeting, and I agreed to a few drinks with my colleagues whilst DD was collected by her father. Totally against what I normally would have done.

And I'm so fucking glad I gave that bit of time back to myself, despite the judgemental randoms on the Internet.

Now I'm enjoying lovely cuddles with my baby.

😀

OP posts:
Giraffesandbottom · 29/04/2022 19:33

@stressedoutandannoyed

Can you read?! Can you actually not read?!

“IF I DIDN’T HAVE THE CONTEXT THAT THE CHILD WAS WITH THE MOTHER” (JUST LIKE I DIDN’T HAVE THE CONTEXT THAT SHE WAS WITH HER FATHER HERE)”

just to help

Original poster
stressedoutandannoyed · 29/04/2022 19:35

Giraffesandbottom · 29/04/2022 19:29

@stressedoutandannoyed

Now you’re feeling defensive about your husband but I stand by what I say in my summary. Today, he was being a deadbeat and refusing to look after his sick child. That’s why you posted a thread. I did read that he does other things, but your post was about today. Where he was being a deadbeat.

"Deadbeat" is not my word, it's yours. He is not a deadbeat. He is a good father in many other ways. He just refuses to miss work to look after her. It's an issue - of course it is. It fucking infuriates me. But he is by no means a "deadbeat".

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedoutandannoyed · 29/04/2022 19:35

Giraffesandbottom · 29/04/2022 19:33

@stressedoutandannoyed

Can you read?! Can you actually not read?!

“IF I DIDN’T HAVE THE CONTEXT THAT THE CHILD WAS WITH THE MOTHER” (JUST LIKE I DIDN’T HAVE THE CONTEXT THAT SHE WAS WITH HER FATHER HERE)”

just to help

No I've had too much Prosecco to read

😂😂😂😂

(joking before anyone calls social services)

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedoutandannoyed · 29/04/2022 19:42

Thanks to all those who were helpful and empathic this morning. Much appreciated Smile

OP posts:
InstaHun88 · 29/04/2022 20:20

Remember how good it felt to go out, do your meeting, let your hair down and all the while your baby was fine. Don't be a martyr. Don't fuck up your career and friendships because of a shitty partner and mom guilt, it will do you no good in the long term. Take time for yourself, prioritize yourself. It's important.

Paq · 29/04/2022 21:28

You sound lovely and brilliant OP. Your P needs to step up. You are not married so you need to be really selfish about your financial security.

OhamIreally · 30/04/2022 09:51

Agree with @Paq you really need to focus on your career. That's what he's doing after all.

Your partner sounds like my ex actually. Is he a police officer?

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 30/04/2022 10:08

Maybe explain to him he has three options moving forwards, he can


  1. be a 50/50 parent and you stay together, or

  2. he can be a 50/50 parent and you split up,

  3. the final option is he see's his daughter twice a month and pays out 20% of his salary to you in child support.

That pretty much covers the available options if you take staying together and you doing more than him off the table.

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