Partner told me to fuck off

[stressedoutandannoyed]

Our 1 year old isn't well. I was off yesterday with her. Trying to decide this morning if she's well enough for childcare - trying to discuss it with him. He said "I don't know, but I have to leave for work now". So I said (probably in a shitty, snappy tone granted because I'm fed up of it all being on me now as we both work FT): "great, so you're leaving me to deal with it all, then." He replied "oh fuck off". And walked out.

Am I BU to actually fuck off as I'm just done with this shit??? I'm so overwhelmed and I feel like he just expects me to pick up the slack and have time off when she's sick. Like my job somehow isn't important.

So, if you did LTB and your DD was ill on the days she was with her father, what would he do then?

I guess it depends. In my world being told to F.O would be grounds for divorce. I’ve never said or been told this by anyone in my family. If this is how you speak daily it may be entirely different how you relate to this.

Knowing that you had a meeting it should have been a given that he stayed home.

Seems that it was pretty obvious that your daughter wasn't fit for nursery as soon as she woke.

You should have told him & not asked his opinion!

Yes, both parents should be checking. Of course they should.
In this relationship it seems that OP is the one carrying the load. Knowing you have an important meeting, that your child is potentially sick and that your 'D'H won't do anything - what would you do?

I know that i would have started (and ended) the conversation the night before with a definite "i did today, you are doing tomorrow if it is necessary and that is an end of it".

We all know what should be the case, but time and time again we are confronted with OPs who aren't in the relationship they want to be where both parents step up and do what they should be doing. So what do you do in that case? LTB? possibly. Have endless conversations about it, leading sometimes to arguments? likely.

But what you have to do in the case that you are the OP in this scenario is be pragmatic and make sure that you get your fair bite at the working cherry, and DH steps up and shoulders his fair burden of being a parent.

That's not on.
You may both be frazzled due to an unwell child but still not on.

When he's home, you need to calmly discuss after bedtime and lay out expectations and reasons why.

Unless he is literally going to get sacked if he takes a day off, his job does not trump yours.

DH was made clear from the time my Mat leave ended that we both have days off in turns where possible (work meetings permitting) if DD is unwell. He is no more important than I am.

Massively unhelpful reply and really quite deriding to anyone who has left an unhappy marriage.

OP understandably annoyed and as pps have said marriage is a partnership and pulling weight and balancing responsibilities is key. That’s not to say the OP and husband can’t resolve satisfactorily.

He'd clearly have told her to fuck off though?

If it’s a one off I’d drop it. It isn’t ideal but you’re both tired and you snapped at him so he snapped back. It happens sometimes to all couples I’d imagine.

I have a deal with my DH that he looks after them when they are pukey - I do everything else. Works for me because I can't stand sick!

I've definitely told my husband to 'fuck off' or a variant of that during an argument. Having babies or little children is really stressful and can bring out the worst especially when trying to juggle work.

Like others have said, I'd say if this is isolated and he is generally good in other areas I don't think it's worth jeopardising the whole relationship.

My husband and I actually had this exact issue when our DD was just in nursery and i'd just returned to work. In the end I had to lay it out in black and white for him to realise that it isn't just my responsibility and for us to reach an agreement of how to deal with it in future. Is it possible it needs to be a conversation tonight for you to tell him firstly, please don't tell me to fuck off when I'm looking for your support but also, this is not just my responsibility so we need to come to a common ground on how to deal with it going forward?

Divorce is on the horizon ladies and gentlemen.

The point I'm making is that it's the cultural norm that the woman is the default parent. It's not just this couple. In that case it's almost always the woman that has to initiate change. This shouldn't be the case. If we had different cultural expectations, then men would be better at having these conversations because they wouldn't believe it's always the woman's problem!

He has apologised for saying what he said, and rightly so. I hope it's a one off.

I'm glad he's apologised, but use this opportunity to talk about sharing sick days more equally otherwise you'll get the same thing the next time.

You demanded an apology. Of course he apologised. It shows he is a reasonable person as I suspected all along.

Glad the day worked out. Hope your baby is ok.

And how about leaving and leaving it all too you and actually just heading off to work

That's how we know the OP is unreasonable. She has lost interest in the health of her child and the unfair division of child care responsibilities. She is only concerned that she received an apology for being told to fuck off.

Has he apologised for not pulling his weight and expecting you to cover all childcare?

😂
Or I was out socialising with my work colleagues and I'm not glued to MN or in constant contact with my partner. I got an apology about what he said. So I updated. We haven't had any other discussions as yet, but we will.

@Howeverbut

Actually, how fucking dare you accuse me of "losing interest in the health of my child"?!?"

You know literally fuck all about me so how about you take your shitty comments and shove them. 👍🏻

I'd need to be married to divorce, ladies and gentlemen.

YA both BU.

You should have discussed this last night. He shouldn't be expecting you to pick up the slack. You shouldn't be failing to communicate that instead of saying 'I feel he expects it' - does he, or not? Talk about it. You should have communicated properly this morning instead of being passive aggressive. He shouldn't have told you to fuck off.

Shit communication.

A 'oh fuck off' in itself would not be especially surprising in my house - we are both quite sweary generally and if one of us was being pass agg we might tell the other to fuck off, but that's because we don't have time for passive aggressiveness. It'd be used in place of "Can you go away now, because you're being ridiculous and this is unproductive" if you get me?

You have an issue if he thinks talking about childcare is ridiculous, but I imagine your sarky 'oh great' annoyed him - surely "Well, you're going to need to stay at home because I have a meeting I can't miss - we should have talked about this last night, that's on both of us for not thinking ahead, and I'm sorry for my part because I didn't make it clear if I definitely needed to be in work today. But I do, so can you make arrangements please" would have been more effective.

@housemaus

Saying what you suggested would have resulted in him saying "I can't stay home" and he'd have left anyway. So no, not more effective sadly. As I said this morning, he has a real issue with missing work. He is very reluctant to do it.

Subconsciously, I think my shitty response was pre-emotive. I knew deep down he wasn't going to help, no matter what I said.

@girlmom21

No he hasn't. I don't think he sees that as a problem so he won't apologise for that.

Or I was out socialising with my work colleagues and I'm not glued to MN or in constant contact with my partner

is the time to be socialising with work colleagues when your daughter is unwell?