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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner told me to fuck off

149 replies

stressedoutandannoyed · 29/04/2022 07:07

Our 1 year old isn't well. I was off yesterday with her. Trying to decide this morning if she's well enough for childcare - trying to discuss it with him. He said "I don't know, but I have to leave for work now". So I said (probably in a shitty, snappy tone granted because I'm fed up of it all being on me now as we both work FT): "great, so you're leaving me to deal with it all, then." He replied "oh fuck off". And walked out.

Am I BU to actually fuck off as I'm just done with this shit??? I'm so overwhelmed and I feel like he just expects me to pick up the slack and have time off when she's sick. Like my job somehow isn't important.

OP posts:
Jenniedontbehasty · 29/04/2022 10:02

You don’t want to put your daughter on a long car journey when she’s unwell but you’ve sent her in to her childcare provider. That’s not great. Nor was it wise of either of you to leave it until the 11th hour to make a plan b for if your daughter was unwell today.

It’s definitely a theme for men to leave it for the woman to do a lion’s share of the caring for children. You see it all the time, male friends posting on fb that they are “daddy day care” whilst their wives and partners are at work. I always reply with a “so you’re doing what x does on a daily basis (smiley emoji).

Telling you to fuck off was out of order. It likely shows his level of regard and respect for you. Hopefully you can resolve this and make a plan for what will happen next time your daughter’s unwell. Hope your little one is feeling better soon.

LittleOwl153 · 29/04/2022 10:04

You need to have a serious conversation about this over the weekend when you are both in a better position to function. It is unacceptable that he left you to it this morning especially knowing today was important for you at work and he needs to understand that. He also needs to understand that in order to maintain your job you need to out the hours in - you don't just get to cop out when you fancy because of the baby.

You need a plan going forward where he takes more of an interest and I'd say the next time baby is off it is default his turn as you have done this one. I'd also ask the childminder to ring him first if baby needs collecting today as work is important for you today - but I wouldn't warn him of that one!

And the bad language I'd absolutely go at him over. I don't live in a house where such language is normal and I assume from your comments you don't either. It is just really bad behaviour to treat people you supposedly love like that!

girlmom21 · 29/04/2022 10:06

You don’t want to put your daughter on a long car journey when she’s unwell but you’ve sent her in to her childcare provider. That’s not great.

Sending her to a relative isn't great. Repeatedly having to make sacrifices at work because your child's poorly isn't great. Missing a really important meeting isn't great. Telling your partner to fuck off isn't great.

The only thing that would've worked here would've been for her DP to take the day off.

Autienotnaughtie · 29/04/2022 10:16

You need to sit and discuss this when baby is not sick and have a rough idea of responsibility. So take it in turns unless one of you has a big meeting/project. If he refuses then you either have to accept, reduce your hours or leave him.

Yellownightmare · 29/04/2022 10:27

Brefugee · 29/04/2022 09:52

In hindsight you should have had a conversation last night about who would be off today if your DD was still too unwell for childcare, not wait until this morning to try and discuss it while you're rushing about getting ready.

Agree. And even if the baby only woke up 5 minutes before he left, you could have checked how they were before it woke up, surely?

You definitely need to have a calmer conversation about this. About expectations and both pulling your weight. Me and DH were pretty much 50/50 overall on things like this, but there were times when he did more because i had things i couldn't drop at work, and vice versa.

Can you go out all day on Saturday? preferably overnight? just leave him to it?

But why is it always her that has to have the discussion. Of course it's internalised misogyny because the assumption is that it's the woman's responsibility to sort it out when it's anything to do with childcare. But there's no actual reason why this should be the case. The OP earns more (despite other people's misogynistic assumptions that she would earn less) and she had an important day today, that he knew about. He should take equal responsibility. He's being an arse, and an apology wouldn't make up for that.

Brefugee · 29/04/2022 10:33

why is it always her who has to have the conversation?

She's not having it with herself, is she. And obvs her partner is the "fuck off to work before she can ask me to stay" variety, so if OP wants change, she has to be the agent for change.

Having a young baby and both working full time is incredibly stressful, you’re probably both exhausted and stressed to the max and arguments are bound to happen.

You know when we go on threads with people who are planning to TTC and we say things like "be sure he is on board with what you want"? it doesn't just include having an actual child. It includes expectations of how you are going to parent as a team. If one will be forever taking days off, if one will think they're the most important because Higher Earner And so on and so on.

It is down to the partner who wants to have changes made to initiate the conversation, or to accept the status quo. But when you have children and both work (even if you don't both work) you need to plan. You need plan A, B, C, D and Ultimate Emergency Plan. Stuff ready for work/school the night before. When a child is ill it is IMPERATIVE that the scenarios of who will do what, are made in advance. Because in a rush in the morning words like "fuck off" can slip out.

differentnameforthis · 29/04/2022 10:37

Why are we defending a man who doesn't want to look after his family?

If OP can be late for/miss work, why can't he? Why is it always the woman's job to stay home with the kids? Kids are a career killer for many women. Why is it always us juggling things?

Why are we making sexist assumptions like "he has a demanding job" "he earns more" ... doesn't actually matter!! They both created a child, they both step up and look after said child.

Telling his wife to fuck off is verbal abuse. You may not think so, but it is. It doesn't have to be physical to be violent, remember.

OP, this type of behaviour can kill a marriage this is how it started in mine and my kids started to bear the brunt, and then it was only a matter of time before I left and he said (I quote) "My world fell apart" ... yeah, but you didn't care all those years I asked for a partnership from him!!

Only you can decide where to go from here, but him putting his career/life/needs/wants over yours & his baby is NOT acceptable.

grapewines · 29/04/2022 10:41

Bitterwounds · 29/04/2022 07:35

Really sorry you're in this situation. It doesn't bode well for the future. I'd leave him. There is no level of violence that's acceptable.

What thread are you reading? Telling her to fuck off is not being violent.

needmorethanthis · 29/04/2022 10:51

There’s a Facebook group called “Bridging the gap” join it. It’s full of women going through this exact situation and it’s a huge support system.

its not ok that you are default parent. You had a big day and he doesn’t. You took yesterday off, he didn’t. It was his turn.

Don’t have more kids with this man. Your story is the exact reason I couldn’t return to work after mat leave and it fucked my career. When your child is better and you’ve had more sleep this needs to be further discussed with him. If you lived near your parents/family would they help in these circumstances? I’m wondering if you could indeed “fuck off” and base yourself near them so that they can help you raise your child.

WhenDovesFly · 29/04/2022 10:59

Sadly it's typical for children to pick up loads of bugs when they first enter a childcare setting, as their immune systems are getting used to different viruses and haven't yet toughened up.

I'd definitely have that conversation about future illnesses, as it's almost sure to happen again.

MadeForThis · 29/04/2022 11:02

I would have a serious conversation tonight that this will never happen again. If she's sick you both need to take a sensible look at your work diaries and decide who can take time off.

worriedatthistime · 29/04/2022 11:38

You should really have a plan for who takes time off etC
When mine were young it was me as i only worked 4 days so could make up the time
If dh took time off we Lost a days wages so financially that wasn't feasible and also he earnt more than me and a day unpaid would of messed the month off
If a planned illness say an op etc then dh would book holiday as well as me and we would share
What works for one couple won't necessarily work for another
Now dh does some wfh so could cover Certain days but ours are older but still need to appts etc.
But asking 5 mins before he is due to leave , when he has got ready etc seems a bit late as was likely they would still be unwell today

worriedatthistime · 29/04/2022 11:42

Just read your update and as you earn more it prob should be more him , unless on occasion you can wfh
But certainly should be a better split
In my case it was a no brainer for me but not in your case
All i can think is you get ready first leave the house and hand him the baby and say back at 5 , see u later

girlmom21 · 29/04/2022 11:44

worriedatthistime · 29/04/2022 11:42

Just read your update and as you earn more it prob should be more him , unless on occasion you can wfh
But certainly should be a better split
In my case it was a no brainer for me but not in your case
All i can think is you get ready first leave the house and hand him the baby and say back at 5 , see u later

Earnings don't come into it. Your career isn't worth less because you're the lower earner.

worriedatthistime · 29/04/2022 11:45

@Yellownightmare well it takes two to discuss but the OP dh is happy with the arrangement and rightly so OP isn't so yes she will have to start the discussion, nothing to do with being sexist just in this situation

worriedatthistime · 29/04/2022 11:46

@girlmom21 they very much did for us as a day of dh wages lost compared to mine meant we would struggle with the bills and struggle that month

worriedatthistime · 29/04/2022 11:48

@girlmom21 i mean dh loosing £150 a day and me £40 at the time was a huge difference, plus as I said for me I was able to make time up so could do that , my dh job at the time was 7-5pm onsite no room for negotiation
He know has a better job that Has more flexibility but kids are older But still have appts etc so we can share more equally now
Everyone has different circumstances

girlmom21 · 29/04/2022 11:52

@worriedatthistime the Op said neither of them would lose money

worriedatthistime · 29/04/2022 11:57

@girlmom21 in that case you take it in turns or by who has most important day etc

Giraffesandbottom · 29/04/2022 11:58

I bet as it’s a Friday he will apologise and say he understands and next time he will have her. Next time she’s sick he will do the same thing.

Onwards22 · 29/04/2022 12:04

I thought I was going to say YABU as instead of getting straight to the point to wanted a conversation with him just as he was walking out the door.
Instead you should have said I don’t think she’s well enough to go in today and as I’ve got a meeting you’ll have to stay home.

However it doesn’t sound like this is a one off situation.
Im not sure why you’ve texted him about the verbal abuse when you have way bigger issues.

I couldn’t be with someone who is sexist and doesn’t see or treat me as their equal.

lemmein · 29/04/2022 12:20

Posters saying you could've checked on her before she woke, or you should have had a conversation last night are missing the point I think. The DH could have done these things too - it's the assumption from his part that no discussion is needed because it is the OPs job which is infuriating. It's these situations which highlight how unequal your 'equal' relationship is.

You both need to discuss this OP and come to a solution you're both happy with. Nothing kills a relationship quicker than resentment.

Grumpybutfunny · 29/04/2022 12:36

The F word is commonly used in this house (used it twice today over decorating) but if it's unusual for you I think he owes you an apology.

With regards to childcare it also always falls on me despite us working together. Personally I think it's because I'm the soft one where as he would send DS to school unless he was sleeping on the sofa

ImTheFuckOffCar · 29/04/2022 12:37

I have a meeting this morning that is a one off, once a year event. I can't miss it. He knows this. He had a usual run of the mill day at work. I also sorted yesterday
YANBU to expect him to share the sick days, even more so given the above. You need to have an agreement going forwards so that he does his share.

Sorry OP but I do think you were unreasonable to send her to the childminder unwell.

Knittingchamp · 29/04/2022 12:53

OP I can't get over how dismissive some posters are of how your H treated you with no respect in this one specific case.

For me it really smacks of a 1950's 'little woman at home' scenario - you treat him like an equal, he tells you to fuck off. Clearly dealing with baby problems are your responsibility in his mind and he was vastly offended that he was expected to be bothered by it, given how Busy and Important he is. Like you have a job but y'know, little woman job. Or that he couldn't care less about you being left in a really tough spot juggling everything while he just walks off issue free.

Marriages aren't mandatory. They should be partnerships - and if someone you were in a business partnership with told you to fuck off when you bought a joint issue (& time pressured one) to them - you probably wouldn't accept it (or you'd dissolve the partnership if the problem persisted). So why think you have to put up with it from a romantic partner?

I hope he has a huge apology for this one instance and acknowledges what an asshole he is. If not and this is a pattern then he's a bad partner and you'd do better on your own.