To have a late night / early morning rant about how no sleep is ruining my entire life?

[Notsleepingandnotcoping]

Lying here unable to sleep as have toddler with me. He refuses to go in his cot.

I have a three hour window (you can almost time it to the minute) when he goes to bed where he will sleep. Usually 730-1030. Then he wakes and that’s it.

I can either try to sleep myself then, or get all the other shit done. Either way I’m exhausted but if I sleep I am in chaos. If I don’t I have literally no sleep.

I can’t see friends, have a glass of wine, there is no enjoyment or pleasure in anything at all.

rant and moan and misery, pure misery.

i wish I had never done this.

That's not all the help that's on offer at all. Your HV would be able to offer sleep support and tips. You're determined that you don't want help, you've had tonnes of suggestions over several threads. Either actually do something to change your situation, or don't. But complaining about it endlessly is pointless when you aren't willing to help yourself.

He is not here at this present moment in time and even when he is he cannot help

Why can’t he help?
You are making yourself a martyr. Your toddler will just have to get used to your husband. He will settle for him eventually, you can’t just let a toddler call all the shots.

I understand you are at the end of your tether, but please stop shouting at an 18 month old. Get your anger out in a different way, even shout at an adult if you really need to, but please stop shouting at your baby.

I get this entirely. You’re too tired for anything and in the middle of the night it’s just absolutely despair time, a sea of horror where you just want it to STOP and it doesn’t stop. So the only thing to do is purge the feelings on Mumsnet. Sorry that it made you feel worse.

This is why we go round in circles.

the problem is I’m not sleeping.

I can’t sleep through DS screaming.

if DH takes him he screams

I therefore don’t sleep.

I have lost count of how many times I’ve gone through this and I don’t know how to make it clearer.

I am really not an idiot and as I’ve said I have read the books and nothing makes any difference. Maybe people don’t like hearing that but it is true. We had absolutely dire sleep a few months ago, I lost the will to live, then it got better. Not perfect but improved. I suspect that will happen here as well in two months or so - if I haven’t had a nervous breakdown by then.

But when he is home why can't you go to a friend or family or even a travel lodge for a night or two and sleep? Do it on a night your DH is home. Your DH will cope for a night or two, he is not as sleep deprived as you are.

Then once you have slept for a night or two you will feel up to committing to sleep training for a couple of weeks if necessary.

Alternatively take a holiday from work, sleep during the day and sleep train at night , even better if you can do it with the support of a sleep consultant. The nights will be easier knowing you can sleep during the day.

You need to put your own oxygen mask on first. You won't be able to stick to anything until you are less exhausted.

Or you can just wait until it resolves itself , which it obviously will eventually but it may take a very long time.

Whatever you decide though you need to own the decision and not blame your toddler( hard though that is I know) . So posting for support in the middle of the night to stop getting angry is fine but not if you only do it when you have reached past breaking point and have lost it with your toddler.

i understand OP your need to rant, but this can be solved. Your DS isn’t a baby so there is no need to martyr yourself like this

You won't say what you've tried.

You won't say why your husband can't help.

You won't take any advice from either thread.

You say you start your threads to "release the horrible feelings" yet you still told your 18 month old you hate him.

How far are you going to let it go on before you actually do something about this?

I get it, I get your frustrations. I do have to say books are different to having a physical person there doing it and encouraging you through the screams.

I get your DH can’t help, but can you go stay at a relatives house whilst he sleep trains?

you can’t see the wood for the trees and people are wanting to help and provide suggestions, yet you stonewall the responses, your post is clear that this situation can’t continue, yes the solution you take will not be easy, but neither is continuing in this way.

You're expecting change literally over night without putting any actual effort in. Sleep training IS the answer, but it takes time, sometimes alot of it, and consistency. And it sounds like you probably don't let your husband help because you just assume he won't be able to do it. I don't think you're actually trying, you're just stuck in this 'woe is me' mentality and quite honestly it's not fair on your baby who is probably picking up on your negativity towards him which in turn is fueling the fire.

18 months I found the worst time with mine, as they were still not sleeping through, and it had gone on soooo long. My second in particular, as we couldn’t co-sleep, he would keep grabbing my nipples. My DH was also no help at all at night, nor at at sleep training. It was all on me. It was nightmarish as I have a very full on job. However he did do housework so at the least your house should not be chaos if you have a DH. By 2 years they were all much improved. I get full nights sleep now, I have covid at the moment and the fatigue feels like a breeze compared to 18 months of sleep deprivation…
Did you BF? I know you don’t seem to be wanting practical tips but I did get my second sleeping following a sleep book based on gradual retreat and careful timing of naps. It does also involve a lot of crying but I was desperate and he was never left alone. This will be a lot more difficult if your son goes to Creche (I could direct my minder when to put him down for his nap). How long is there between the end of his nap and bedtime?

And you don't need to live in a mansion, get some ear plugs like all the rest of us do!

Instead of screaming at a 18 month old that you hate them maybe ask yourself why you wont get proper help?

this is really important, op.

you do not have the skills to deal with this yourself. Just because you cannot deal with this, it doesnt mean other people cannot help.

you urgently need to call your GP practice for help.

and now he is a parent, your dh doesn't have the luxury of leading the same life he did before his child was born. He needs to make changes so he parents more.

Thanks for saying that @Puppalicious

i do agree that the house stuff is difficult, one of the problems is there just aren’t enough hours in the day.

@MissMaple82 no. Stop trying to argue.

I had such a baby. She refused to sleep overnight for more than 2 hours at a stretch and did this for 3.5 years. I also worked full time after a year of maternity leave in a pretty full on job and my daughter went to a childminder from 8:30am to 6pm. She was also terrible at eating. I know how painful it is and I have gone through the misery of having no sleep for three and half years. I know what it does to you.
My husband (her father) couldn't help as she would outright refuse him.
I have no advice for you. This ordeal stopped for me after 3.5 years. I don't know if you'll be luckier.
But now I have a very well behaved little girl who has absolutely no tantrums and is an angel when I take her out anywhere. She has a mature woman's head on a little girl's shoulder.
What my experience absolutely did do is got rid of any semblance of broodiness I might have ever felt. When I see little babies, I don't see cute, little squidgy things most people see but I see torture machines. That's good for my daughter because she gets all my time, resources and full on attention which helps her thrive. And I know that I am doing the best for her and I'm not cutting any corners for her because time and resources need to be shared with more siblings.
So if you can plod through a torturous long time, there will be a happily ever after.

😆 But your problems DO have a solution hun! You just don't want to hear them/do them! You just want to scream at your child that you hate him and he's ruined your life. And we are supposed to say awww poor you, yes nothing at all can be done, just struggle on, continue to scream at your child, have a mental breakdown, there is absolutely no help out there at all for you or your child.
If that's what you want fair enough. Poor child.

But you've never tried anything consistently, have you? He's only 18 months old so you couldn't have possibly tried 'all those books' for more than one night at a time.

The fact you think sleep training will work does not mean it will.

@SugarAndSpiceIsNice thank you. I’m glad it worked out. DS is delightful in daylight hours … usually!

I’m hoping that your pissy attitude is down to your lack of sleep. There’s a lot of good advice in here but you seem determined not to take any of it on board. You’re not the first parent to go through this and you won’t be the last

And the fact you think it won't, doesn't mean it won't.

@roadsweep yes, of course we have or I have. He’s 16 months not 6 weeks.

what does tend to happen is that something works and I think great … then it stops.

I suspect teeth are playing a part here but it doesn’t really make it any easier for me (and he does have calpol etc.)

I would probably cope better if my days weren’t so full on but as it is the trouble is I have no real down time at all, even overnight. I can cope stoically enough with night wakings but it’s not so much the wakings it’s the fact I can’t get him in his own bed after them.

*This is why we go round in circles.

the problem is I’m not sleeping.

I can’t sleep through DS screaming.

if DH takes him he screams

I therefore don’t sleep.

I have lost count of how many times I’ve gone through this and I don’t know how to make it clearer.*

What is clear is you are being purposely difficult in your answers. You don’t actually go into any details about what you have tried. You made it sound like you are a single mum with no support even though your husband works from home! Honestly that allows you much more opportunity to catch up on sleep.
Sure he might be working away this week but that isn’t your reality most of the time.

If your toddler is 18 months and goes to full time nursery then he actually doesn’t only rely on you for sleep as he must nap there in the day. So the idea that your husband can’t possibly settle him is just rubbish.
There will be resistance at first as your toddler doesn’t like change and he is used to you doing it but there is absolutely no reason for him to not to get used to his own father.

Even my breast fed baby got used to her dad going in to settle her at night once I weaned. Does it happen quickly and easily? No but it will happen.

You need to have 2 nights off when you husband comes back from work. Go to your mums, a friends, a sister, a cheap hotel and get 2 nights of sleep. Then come home and with your husband find a sleep consultant and start a program.
You need to be as rested as possible to start so you don’t just take him into bed with you at 10pm.

Then there will still be plenty of nights when your son will wake but he should settle faster and easier and you and your husband can take alternate nights.

I now think it sounds like a safeguarding issue if you won’t seek help. It’s not fair on your child. Please seek medical help for you, and HV support.

Your DH usually WFH, so he is available to help. Your initial post made it sound like you were completely on your own with no support whatsoever. You say he won't settle for anyone else, but he won't settle for you either will he. At all. If you took it in turns to have the baby at night at least you would be getting sleep every other night. Thats how millions of families manage. Get some earplugs, take yourself to another room and get some sleep.

I’m not being purposefully difficult at all. I’m telling you what it is like!